Halloween at the White House

Today's Halloween and even though as a Christian I realize I should not participate in this heathen celebration, as a White House staffer (unpaid), I felt obligated to join in the festivities with my co-workers.

It's been a tradition in the George Bush White House that every Halloween, just about everyone dresses up in fun costumes for the day. Here are some of the better costumes that I remember.

Harriet Miers was dressed in a black bathrobe. I reckon she was pretending to be a Supreme Court judge.

Donald Rumsfeld stuck a knife into a box of corn flakes and wore the box around his neck. He was supposed to be a cereal killer.

Somebody left a hat suspended about six feet off the ground using fishing line from the ceiling. "Who's that supposed to be?" I asked. "That's Scooter Libby," was the reply. "He came as a ghost."

Condoleezza Rice showed up at the White House wearing a man's suit. She had come as Colin Powell.

Laura Bush came into West Wing wearing a white wig and she had stuck a large pillow under her dress making her butt look huge. Everyone immediately guessed Barbara Bush.

Karl Rove came dressed in a prison uniform and claimed to be Scooter Libby.

What was really great was that President Bush and Vice President Cheney got together to create a theme. They came to work dressed as characters from The Wizard of Oz.

Vice President Cheney came as the Tin Man and wandered around the offices singing "If I only had a heart."

And President Bush dressed up like the Scarecrow and he went around singing "If I only had a brain."

I dressed up like Madonna — the mother of Christ; not the slut.


The President's Secret Service
detail dressed up too!

The White House girls take Scooter Libby out to lunch

Today was Lewis "Scooter" Libby's last day working for Vice President Cheney. Even though it was kind of short notice, a bunch of us girls working at the White House got together and invited Mr. Libby out for lunch as a going-away party. We reserved a large table at Sam 'N Ella's Cafe in Georgetown.

(Actually, until today I had no idea that Mr. Libby was unhappy working at the White House and was even considering leaving.)

Although the mood started out kind of somber, after Mr. Libby and the other girls had a couple drinks (I drank diet 7Up), they loosened up quite a bit and started playing games.

Debbie in Communications suggested we all play "Name the most CIA agents". Everyone really got into it. Even I could name three agents based on confidential memos that I've delivered. Bernice at Homeland Security Liaison named seventeen. And Mr. Libby did an impression of Sgt. Schultz from Hogan's Heroes, "I know noth...sing." Some of the older girls laughed. I guess I didn't get it.

After everyone had named all the CIA agents they could think of, Barbie, the President's personal secretary suggested we play "If you can only take one personal item to prison for 30 years, what would it be?"

I said that I would never do anything to get myself arrested but if I were going away, I would have a hard time choosing between a Bible and my autographed picture of President Bush in his Mission Accomplished uniform.

The other girls said stuff like Ipods and photo albums and hack saws. When it was Mr. Libby's turn, he said he wondered if they made chastity belts that fit over the butt. The other girls laughed but I guess I didn't get it.

After we got tired of playing games, I asked Mr. Libby what it was like working for the Vice President. Mr. Libby thought for a while, then said, "Like working for Saddam Hussein but without the laughs."

"Will you miss the White House?" I asked.

"Oh, I suppose I'll miss some things. Starting wars whenever we felt like it. Lying for Christ. That kind of stuff."

"So what will you do now?" I asked.

Mr. Libby said, "The Vice President gave me a glowing letter of reference and he's still got some friends over at Halliburton. I guess I'll make ends meet." Then he chuckled.

Why Harriet Miers withdrew from the Supreme Court nomination

Harriet Miers learned only yesterday, weeks after accepting President Bush's nomination for Supreme Court Justice, that she will no longer be able to bill at $600 per hour for her time.

"What do you mean, Supreme Court judges are paid a flat salary?" Ms. Miers was heard to say to Andrew Card, President Bush's Chief of Staff. "I didn't work my ass off all these years to get by on a couple hundred grand a year."

"We assumed you knew that judges on the Supreme Court don't necessarily get rich," Mr. Card said. "Haven't you ever seen how Clarence Thomas dresses under those judicial robes. We're all pretty sure he shops at Goodwill."

"If that's the case," Ms. Miers said, "then you can just withdraw my name from consideration."

When notified of the decision, President Bush told Mr. Card that he was "sorry about losing the most qualified person in the United States."

A few minutes later for some reason, Champagne corks were popping throughout the White House. I don't drink alcohol so I didn't bother asking why.


Ms. Miers can be seen carrying the
President's luggage for which she
earns $600 per hour.

President Bush got a little upset

If you've been reading the liberal newspapers, you've probably come across some story that goes: "Facing the darkest days of his presidency, President Bush is frustrated, sometimes angry and even bitter." Then there's something to the effect that he has been yelling at junior staffers.

Here are the actual facts behind that slanderous story.

The other day, I was on my usual route at the White House delivering confidential memos when Barbie, the President's personal secretary called me over. The previous evening, she'd been eating at a Mexican restaurant and I reckon I don't need to paint a picture. Anyway, she wanted me to answer the phone for a few minutes while she answered the call of nature in the restroom.

As soon as I sat down at Barbie's desk, the phone rang. I answered it and it turned out to be the President's mother, Mrs. Barbara Bush.

"Can I speak to my son?" Mrs. Bush asked and I said certainly.

I hit the intercom and said, "Mr. President, Mrs. Bush is on the line." And then President Bush took the call.

A few minutes later, a real angry looking President Bush charged out of the Oval Office and came up to the desk.

"Who are you?" he asked.

I've got to admit I was feeling kind of scared right then. "I'm Nancy Jo. I'm an intern."

"You the one I like to call Monica?" he asked.

"Yes Sir," I replied meekly not about to say how much I hated that nickname.

"Why the hell didn't you tell me my mother was on the line?" the President asked.

"Sir, I told you it was Mrs. Bush."

"I thought you meant Laura. I don't mind speaking to Laura. She's a tolerable Mrs. Bush. My mother on the other hand, I can't stand talking to that woman. She don't worship me like Condi and Harriet and Karen do. She still talks to me like I'm her little boy instead of the most powerful human being in the universe."

"I'm sorry, Sir," I said. "I didn't know you don't take calls from your mother."

President Bush pointed to a framed sign sitting on the desk by the phone — a sign I hadn't noticed until then.

"What's that say?" he asked.

I read it out loud, "Under no circumstances say that the President of the United States is in when Mrs. Barbara Bush calls."

"Ain't that plain enough?" the President asked.

"Sorry Sir, it won't happen again."

"I swear," the President said, "that if we were paying you, I'd have you fired. But since you're working for nothing, I guess we're getting what we pay for."

Then the President turned on his heels and returned to the Oval Office. Before closing the door, he said, "I don't want to be disturbed. It's my after-lunch nap time."

I admit that I made a mistake and President Bush had every right to be mad at me. But that's the only time I've ever seen the President less than totally chipper. And why shouldn't he be happy? He's got another three years to do God's work on earth and a great bunch of people advising him.

Ben Bernanke—A good second choice for Federal Reserve Chairman

Ben Bernanke, a former economics professor, was chosen Monday by President Bush to be the next chairman of the Federal Reserve, the most influential economic policy job in the world.

Although most folks in the financial markets seem to be pleased with the selection, Mr. Bernanke was not President Bush's first choice.

That honor goes to Ted (Pencilhead) Spivak, the President's personal accountant. How do I know this? I happened to accidently overhear a discussion between President Bush and Vice-President Cheney.

BUSH:...and so that's why I think Pencilhead ought to be the next Fed Chairman.

CHENEY: Are you f--king nuts? Why would you pick a motherf--king bookkeeper to run the Fed? The f--king markets will drop 5,000 points if you announce that.

BUSH: I did a thorough search. I asked Harriet who she thought might be good and we agreed that Pencilhead is a good Christian accountant who's good with money. Remember that tip he gave us to get out of Bill Frist's family's business.

CHENEY: I'm not saying that Pencilhead can't find his way around a spreadsheet. But the Fed Chairman is the most powerful economist in the world. Pencilhead isn't even a chartered accountant.

BUSH: That's the kind of thing I'd expect to hear from the elites. Pencilhead's got street smarts. And remember, he was the first non-Jew to become director of the Texas Accountancy Association.

CHENEY: But Mr. President, Pencilhead is a dumba-- bookkeeper. He has no experience setting interest rates or fighting inflation.

BUSH: Well, Harriet's got no experience as a judge and she going to be a jim-dandy Supreme Court Justice. Besides, I know what's in Pencilhead's heart.

CHENEY: Mr. President, Pencilhead will be replacing Alan Greenspan. The man is practically a god on Wall Street. Shouldn't you aim a little bit higher than just another friend from Texas?

BUSH: But I already promised Pencilhead something big in the administration.

CHENEY: Hurricane season is almost over. You could make him Acting Head of FEMA until next June and then maybe, Ambassador to Baghdad.

BUSH: Sounds good. Know anyone who might work out over at the Fed?

Sometimes, the best way to judge the quality of a president is by the way he treats the people close to him. And no one treats his friends with more loyalty than President Bush.

Hurricane Wilma hits close to home

I've got some fine relatives who live in Bonita Springs, Florida. Today, they sat through the worst hurricane to hit the United States in a hundred years. Sadly, one of their neighbors died this morning when a tree fell on him as he was checking to see how much damage there was to the golf course.

I feel certain President Bush will ensure emergency relief reaches the Naples area immediately. My uncle tells me they can really use bottled water, preferably mineral water with bubbles.


Hurricane Wilma turned out to be even more
destructive than expected as it tore through Florida.
Here's my uncle's deck.

My cousins, Ava and Eva Braun, are professional singers who will be giving a concert at the Bonita Springs Dog Track this Saturday night to raise funds for victims of the hurricane who are members of the Daughters of the American Revolution.

You may already know Ava and Eva from their debut CD, How White I Am on which they perform their hit singles God made me white for a reason and White is the only color that don't clash.

If you'll be in southern Florida this weekend, do stop by and support the Florida chapter of the D.A.R.

President Bush bravely fights illness

This morning, Walter Reed Army Medical Center sent over its report on President George Bush's health following his semi-annual check-up. It seems the stress of presiding over the world's most powerful nation, 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, is finally taking its toll.

In glancing at the report prior to dropping it off outside the Oval Office, I noticed that President Bush has fallen victim to a relatively rare illness: Adult Onset Attention Deficit Disorder (AOADD).

Back home in Waco, for a while doctors thought my baby brother Rick Bob might have had ADD. But it just turned out that he's retarded.

According to the report, President Bush may have had Adult Onset ADD for many years without anyone knowing it although after checking the symptoms of the illness at a medical Web site, I don't see how the President matches any of the symptoms.

From DoctorCribSheet.com, these are the symptoms of AOADD:

-Starts but cannot finish projects
-Easily distracted
-Cannot juggle several projects simultaneously
-Disorganized
-Makes poor decisions
-Unable to articulate simple thoughts
-Cannot prioritize
-May suffer from delusions of adequacy

Doctors recommend placing the President on Ritalin.

Knowing that the President is a victim of AOADD only makes me admire him more. To have a mental illness and still lead the Republican Party better than anyone before or after just shows how great President George W. Bush is.

President Bush wants guns back on airplanes...Hooray!

Daddy still talks about the good old days when a man could carry his sidearm onto any old commercial flight he wanted to.

"In those days, we had a fighting chance against terrorists with box cutters," Daddy has pointed out on numerous occasions.

And thanks to President Bush and the Republican Congress, those "good old days" may be returning.

Thanks to the fine work of the National Rifle Association (member since 1991), Congress today passed a bill protecting the firearms industry from massive crime-victim lawsuits.

"Our laws should punish criminals who use guns to commit crimes, not law-abiding manufacturers of lawful products," said President Bush as he prepares to sign the bill.

President Bush went on to say, "For too long, gun manufacturers have been the victims of class action lawyers and litagators out to squeeze every nickel out of law-abiding manufacturers of lawful products."

"Law-abiding manufacturers of lawful gun products should have the same rights as law-abiding manufacturers of any other lawful products such as laundry detergent or automobile tires," the President said.

"If a criminal uses laundry detergent in the commission of a crime — you know, money laundering or some such," President Bush pointed out, "we're not about to persecute the folks at Tide."

When asked if the President could foresee the time when handguns would once again be allowed onto commercial airliners, the President said, "I think the time is right around the corner. What better security is there than 200 passengers, each armed with a Beretta or Colt, ready to shoot some threatening terrorist?"

"I know I'd feel a whole lot safer sitting beside some swarthy foreigner knowing my trusty six-shooter is dangling from my shoulder," President Bush said.

In summing up, the President stated, "There's one thing I learned from Hurricane Katrina. Guns save lives. Not a single American carrying a gun in New Orleans after the storm was raped or robbed. What does that tell you?"

Is Karl Rove seeking an appointment to the Supreme Court?

I thought that Karl Rove was fully committed to the President's choice for the Supreme Court, Harriet Miers. But I'm not so sure anymore.

This morning, I passed Mr. Rove's office. Although the door was shut, I could still hear Mr. Rove. He was talking about the Constitution of the United States. Except it was more like he was practising a speech he intended to give on the Constitution.

I kind of assumed he was getting ready for a confirmation hearing.

He kept repeating, "I wish to invoke my Fifth Amendment right under the Constitution. I wish to invoke my Fifth Amendment right under the Constitution."

I didn't even know that Mr. Rove was a lawyer. But if President Bush wants him as a back-up to Ms. Miers, I put my full trust into any selection the President makes.

Harriet Miers — Have God Will Travail

Here's why I LOVE President George W. Bush. He is the first president to make it clear that Christianity counts in America when it comes to picking people for important jobs. No more Ruth Bader Ginsburgs, if you get my drift. And certainly no Hindus or Muslims or Democratic athiests.

Before naming Ms. Miers, the President had her sign the standard Republican Loyalty Oath in which she outlined what she intended to do for Christians, the Republicans and America. Ms. Miers's Loyalty Oath is proudly displayed in the foyer, just outside the Oval Office. He are some of the more interesting parts:

I, Harriet Condoleezza Miers, solemnly pledge to President George W. Bush and Jesus Christ that once confirmed to the Supreme Court, I will undertake the following:

I will have Terry Schiavo's body exhumed and put back onto life supports until the Lord sees fit to awaken her.

I will make it illegal for people of the same sex to touch in sexually explicit ways. For instance, female babies will have to be breast fed by their fathers.

I will lessen the penalties for rape so that rapists have the opportunitiy to take responsibility for the babies that they father in lieu of aborting the blessed little babies.

I will ensure that the Ten Commandments, as amended by the Bush administration, are displayed in all public buildings and schools. Also in schools, the Lord's prayer will be said at the start of every class and when entering the cafeteria and before gym.

I will have the word "evolution" removed from all text books and dictionaries used by school chrildren. In its place, I suggest "Godolution".

I will have 3-day waiting periods for gun purchases outlawed as I am sure Christ would never have waited.

The death penalty will be applied to children 8 years of age and over, thus discouraging young would-be suicide bombers.

Amnesty will be available to all Senators and White House staff who are currently under investigation for campaign funds irregularities, stock fraud and leaking confidential information in the name of doing the Lord's work through Republicanism.


There were some other pledges but they were mostly boring legal comments about the justice system. You can always read them if you take the White House tour.

Karl Rove swears to God and James Dobson that Harriet Miers is "one of us"

As you probably know, the highly respected group, Focus on the Family, is regarded as "Christian values in action." That is to say, we believe that anyone who performs abortions should be put to death.

James Dobson, the founder of Focus on the Family, for some reason had concerns about Harriet Miers selection by President Bush to the Supreme Court. So he met with Karl Rove, the President's Turd Blossom, and Mr. Rove was able to convince Mr. Dobson that Ms. Miers is "one of us."

Since the conversation between the two of them was recorded (it's surprising how much of that still goes on), I was able to read the transcript as I delivered it to the White House archives. Here's a bit that should convince you too that Ms. Miers shares our opinions on important issues.

DOBSON:"You understand our concern, don't you? We're focused on families and you folks are appointing a single woman, practically one of the characters from Sex and the City, not that I've ever seen that degenerate Jewish-focused, New York-focused, gay-inspired program."

ROVE:"Harriet may be single in the secular sense. But she's like a nun. You know, nuns consider themselves brides of Christ. Harriet, just like Condi, consider themselves brides of Bush. Although not actually married to the President, they devote themselves to him, more so than even Laura."

DOBSON:"I don't care if she's the bride of Frankenstein, what I need to know is her position on Christian concerns."

ROVE:"Don't you worry about that. Harriet's as Christian as they come. Although she's never said so publicly, she is adamant about overturning Roe vs. Wade. She has told me that no matter what case is pending before her — antitrust or a murder appeal or anything — she's just going to keep voting against abortion until the other justices get sick of her tactics and vote with her."

DOBSON:"Can she do that?"

ROVE:"Damn...er sorry, darn straight she can. She'll be a Supreme Court judge. She can do as she pleases. And she aims to please you, Jimmy boy."

DOBSON:"So where does she stand on evolution?"

ROVE:"She's a hundred and ten percent against it. Just the other day, she was remarking on how much the world has accomplished in the last 9,000 years, since the world was created. And she's not talking about no Intelligent Designer. No sir. She wants God taught in every science class whether it's biology or physics or mathematics. Harriet believes God created numbers. Yes sir."

DOBSON:"I'm liking what I hear so far. But how do we know she won't become another Souter or O'Connor going liberal once she gets her seat."

ROVE:"I swear to God that she won't."

DOBSON:"Coming from a man of your integrity, I guess I'll have to accept what you say."

It's time we took credit for the Iraq civil war

Remember, you read about this first right here.

Vice-President Dick Cheney asked me to proofread a memo he has written. (He didn't say it was confidential or anything.) Except for a few misplaced colons and excessive foul language, which I was told not to clean up, the memo is extraordinarily enlightening.

I had absolutely no idea that the Bush administration was purposely creating an environement in Iraq that would lead to civil war and de-stabilization of the entire region. For all who doubted that the Bush administration knew exactly what it was doing, this memo should change your minds, once and for all.

From: Vice President Dick Cheney
To: President Bush, Donald Rumsfeld, C. Rice, Sean Hannity

As it now appears that civil war in Iraq is inevitable, it would be foolish of this administration not to take credit.

F--K the freedom and democracy bulls--t and let's just state categorically that it was always our intention to de-stabilize Iraq and any other Muslim country that f--ks with America.

When President Bush said "Mission Accomplished", he wasn't premature. Our mission to begin a civil war in Iraq was indeed accomplished.

Why a civil war? It keeps those Muslims occupied. They're like children. If they don't have each other to kill, they start looking at us.

So let's look at the positive side of taking credit for the Iraqi civil war.

1. We can now pull our troops out immediately since we actually want the Sunnis and Shittes at each other's throats.

2. We no longer have to put up with that "no WMDs" bulls--t. We'll just say we always knew that Saddam had nothing. Finding WMDs was a red herring. Starting a civil war was always our intention.

3. De-stabilizing the Mideast causes energy prices to rise, which is GOOD! Cuts down on driving which is good for the environment; increases revenue for America's energy companies which is GOOD since it makes our own companies stronger so we'll depend less on foreign energy companies. "What's good for Texaco is good for America!" I think the public will buy that.

4. Because it's a "civil war", we can leave the Iraq mess in the capable hands of the United Nations. (Our base will really like that.)

5. As a foreign policy success, our presence in Iraq was well worth the $400 billion and 2,000 or so American lives.

6. The Democrats in Congress who voted in favor of the War in Iraq will be left humiliated since they voted for something they didn't know was happening.

7. We no longer have to hold hands with Muslim leaders in public.

By the way, if this works as well as I think it will, I'm pretty sure we can convince the public that the administration allowed Hurricane Katrina to destroy New Orleans as part of our Urban Renewal Program.

There are no lack of opportunities to demonstrate that our administration is always planning well ahead.

President Bush and God take a meeting

It's a sad state of affairs in the United States of America when the White House spokesman, Scott McClellan, has to tell the American people that it's "absurd" that President George W. Bush talks to God. Of course, President Bush talks to God. What's more, God talks back.

I remember Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld explaining to us new interns how America went to Iraq. According to the Secretary, "President Bush looked up to the Heavens and said 'Lord, I intend to invade Iraq. If you don't think this is a good idea, give me a sign like a hurricane in Texas.' Since God sent no hurricanes during the entire month of March, it was obvious that President Bush was doing God's work in invading Iraq."

(This isn't quite as dramatic as God dictating the Ten Commandments to Moses or parting the Red Sea, but it's still mighty impressive.")

On another occasion, I was picking up confidential memos to be shredded and I came across the President's agenda for the day. Naturally, it was a too good a souvenir to throw away. (When the President writes his memoirs, he may thank me for keeping this vital piece of information.) Here's part of that agenda:

Agenda for President George W. Bush
Monday, September 26, 2005

7:00 - 7:45 a.m.—Breakfast - Choice of Trix or Cap'n Crunch, chocolate milk, banana, surprise treat

7:45 - 7:55 a.m.—Defense Briefing - Don Rumsfeld to detail why War in Iraq is going well

7:55 - 8:00 a.m.— Tom DeLay Meeting - Discuss contributions for next year's Congressional election; ask DeLay to lose your phone number

8:00 - 9:30 a.m. — Talk to God - Discuss deficit spending, dealing with Hurricanes Katrina and Rita, War on Drugs, War in Afghanistan, War in Iraq, War on Poverty, Supreme Court selections, energy shortage, drilling in Alaska, helping Karl Rove, an appropriate Christmas gift for Mrs. Laura Bush, and if time permits, whether a vacation in Crawford is warranted for the last two weeks in October

9:30 - 12:00 a.m.—Free Time- Skateboarding in Maryland

Needless to say, the agenda goes on and on. But you see my point. President Bush devotes a significant portion of his day getting advice from our Lord.

Holy smoke...there's a spy in Vice President Cheney's office

As I walked past the office door of Vice President Cheney this morning, I heard him screaming at the top of his lungs: "Kill that f--king Filippino wetback a--hole. Put his (anatomical part) in a vice and squeeze his f--king (squirrel food) until blood comes out his motherf--king eyes."

I guessed the Vice President was angry but didn't know why.

This afternoon, all White House staff received a memo from Brenda, the VP's secretary explaining the VP's outburst.

To all staff:

You may notice that Leandro Aragoncillo, the U.S. marine who used to be on Vice President Cheney's staff, is no longer employed here.

It seems that Leandro, who we all remember from the staff Christmas party as the Filippino wearing the lampshade on his head, was a spy.

The White House continues to frown upon those employees who leak confidential information, Karl Rove and Scooter Libby excepted.

Leandro worked at the White House for about three years and those of us who knew him will miss his wry sense of humor and those tasty little cakes he'd bring in around Easter.

Leandro's espionage only involved matters pertaining to the Phillipines, so any damage was minimal. (President Bush thought the Phillipines were in Pennsylvania, so you'd think Leandro wouldn't be in too much trouble.) Still we can't have employees, other than Mr. Rove and Mr. Libby, divulging Top Secret material.

So let's wish Leandro well in his future pursuits that are likely to include a visit to Leavenworth.

Brenda

Why Harriet Miers is my choice for the Supreme Court

When President George W. Bush nominated Harriet Miers (or Oscar Miers as the President calls her) to the Supreme Court, I was thrilled. You just can't do better than a woman lawyer from Texas, my home state.

A lot of folks have been complaining that she has no judging experience. That's simply not true. A few months back, the White House held a contest for fourth graders asking them to write an essay on "Why I would make a great Republican president." Harriet Miers was among the judges and she did a dandy job of picking a winner. (That child is now in our Republican training program.)

There are other folks complaining about cronyism because Ms. Miers had been the personal attorney of the President. But what better way is there for a President to select a Supreme Court judge than to she her in action? And President Bush was mighty impressed with the way Ms. Miers kept his drunk driving conviction out of the 2000 Presidential electon.

She also did a bang-up job as Texas Lottery Commissioner, appointed by Governor Bush of Texas. During her time as Commissioner, there wasn't one single incident of too many ping pong balls popping out of the machine. (I must admit I'm a little disappointed that she took a job of promoting gambling among weak-willed, degenerate Texans but as a lawyer, I reckon she took on all kinds of distasteful tasks.)

I realize there are a lot of good Chriatian folk like Rush Limbaugh who are concerned that Ms. Miers does not have a public record of condemning to hell all abortionists and gay people. But trust me, Ms. Miers stands with us on these important issues.

I can remember when one of the Cabinet undersecretaries got one of the White House secretaries pregnant. The White House secretary was contemplating an abortion and I heard Ms. Miers say, "Oh, isn't that just awful." And on another occasion, Vice-President Cheney brought his gay daughter Mary to the White House and Ms. Miers who was standing near to Mary move a few steps away.

Ms. Miers is a devout Christian, a long-time member of the Valley View Drive-In Church in suburban Dallas, a church I happen to know has no tolerance for abortion or homosexuals.

A lot of follks have been wondering about Ms. Miers' personal life, which isn't any of their business. But she does have a boyfriend, a Texas Supreme Court judge, with whom I'm sure she has never had pre-marital sex because she isn't that kind of woman!

Aborting black babies—a concept whose time has not come yet

In Ronald Reagan's administration, William Bennett was Secretary of Education, so we know he's smart. In the George Bush the First (#41) administration, Mr. Bennett was Drug Czar, so we know he's aware of the effects of drugs. Mr. Bennett has written extensively about morality based on his own experiences as a degenerate gambler. Like the President who was once a degenerate alcoholic and drug-abuser, Mr. Bennett has reformed.

Nowadays, William Bennett, also called Uncle Willie by the current President, is a Republican whose opinions on Fox News are regarded as gospel.

This past week, Mr. Bennett said the crime rate in the United States would go down "if all black babies were aborted."

This week, the White House will issue a clarification. Here's a rough first draft I found by the shredding machine.

From the Office of the President of the United States:

In regards to the recent statement of William Bennett, an independent individual with no association to President George W. Bush, to anyone in his administration including Condoleezza Rice (who has never had an abortion, and may never have had sex with a man), or to anyone at the Republican National Headquarters, we wish to set this matter of "aborting black babies to reduce the crime rate" straight.

As Republicans, this administration is firmly against all abortion. If black babies, once born, happen to have an exceptionally high infant mortality rate, that's between God and the dead black babies. If a high infant mortality rate leads to a reduction in crime, it is certainly not due to Republican policies of reducing taxes for the rich and minimizing services for the poor.

Although Mr. Bennett used an example of "black" babies, we do not believe selecting a single group was racially motivated. We believe Mr. Bennett was referring to babies of many colors such as brown.

We would also emphasize that Mr. Bennett stated that aborting all African-American babies "would be an impossible, ridiculous, and morally reprehensible thing to do," even though the crime rate would go down. We agree.

It would be "impossible" because many black people are mulatto or just light-skinned, so you can't always tell if a black baby is on the way.

It would be "ridiculous" because the United States does not have enough doctors trained in abortion to handle the millions of abortions needed each year. And, again, we're against abortion.

"It would be "morally reprehensible" because if someone like Condoleezza Rice or Halle Berry ever gets pregnant, we couldn't bear to harm them.

While William Bennett was instrumental in making American education the best in the world and winning the War on Drugs, his opinions on the matter of abortion and black babies are not necessarily those of this administration.