Monday, May 30, 2005

Reflecting upon the personal sacrifices of President George W. Bush

Since today is Memorial Day, I believe it is appropriate to look upon the many wartime sacrifices that our President, George Bush, has made for America.

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George Bush is a Vietnam-era veteran who served courageously as a pilot in the National Guard. George Bush patroled the skies of Texas. During his tenure, not a single Vietnamese terrorist made it into Texas.

Because he served his country between his studies at Yale and Harvard, he sacrificed getting the high grades he deserved. We can only imagine how much greater a president he would have been had he not been placed into the position of sacrificing his studies and only being able to earn a C average.

President Bush, along with many Vietnam vets, suffered post-partum stress syndrome. To deal with his stress, he turned to alcoholism and drugs. Being the man he is, he does not blame the war in Vietnam but we can surmise that without the war, he would never have been caught driving drunk or taking drugs.

During the first Iraqi war, Desert Storm, George Bush was at the forefront of boosting the morale of all American service personnel by ensuring professional baseball continued to be played on the fields across the United States.

As young Americans are currently fighting and dying in Iraq, George Bush continues to make numerous personal sacrifices that few people are aware of.

You'll probably remember the President giving up his own personal Thanksgiving to be with the troops in Baghdad prior to the last election.

However, on many occasions, he has left Washington for the Crawford Ranch hours later than planned to deal with the Iraqi insurgency. On several occasions, he has competely canceled a mountain bike ride because of the war. And hardly a weekend goes by when he doesn't get a phone call or two about the war.

I've even heard it said within the White House that if President Bush had had sons instead of daughters, he'd have made sure they did military service.

There's a reason that Presdent Bush was selected by the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth as their ideal soldier. Without men like President Bush, Americans would never make the kinds of sacrifices needed to fight for the freedom of peoples like Iraqis.

Thank you President Bush for all your personal sacrifices.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Arlen Specter — Enemy of the Culture of Life

We in the Bush Administration are defenders of the Culture of Life. That's why we support the execution of murderers or those likely to have murdered, but got off because of lack of evidence. That's why we ousted Saddam Hussein: so no innocent Iraqi would ever have to die again.

President George Bush has made it clear that embryonic stem cell research represents the Culture of Death.

Embryos are part of God's living human creatures. They're just one uterus away from being born, growing up and voting Republican.

The concept of destroying embryos just becuase they are unwanted is unthinkable. We'd be treating embryos like puppies and kittens at the pound. We'd be treating embryos like all those Africans dying of AIDS who can't afford quality American drugs. Destroying embryos does not represent the Culture of Life.

Which brings me to Senate legislation to expand federal support of embryonic stem cell research and those treacherous Republican Sentors who find themselves on the side of the Culture of Death — particularly Arlen Specter.

Sen. Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania is the Republican chief sponsor of the Senate bill. He is currently being treated for cancer.

"I look in the mirror every day, barely recognize myself," said Specter, whose hair has been lost to chemotherapy treatment. "And not to have the availability of the best of medical care is simply atrocious."

Have you ever heard anything more selfish? Talk about conflict of interest. Unlike President Bush who stands on principle, Sen. Arlen is in no position to understand the concept of the Culture of Life.

President Bush opposes the bill because it would open the way for federally funded research that could create life to destroy it.

(Currently, the administration is looking for ways to create more minority life since military recruiters are not meeting their targets.)

All I can say to Sen. Arlen Specter is that if you want to be part of a killing machine, just join the Democrats.

But if you care about millions of zygotes sitting in freezers throughout America ready to become Tommy and Jane, ready to go to school and go on picnics, ready to graduate, get jobs and pay taxes (but not much), then support your Republican brethren.

Monday, May 23, 2005

Intelligent Design: Another name for BLASPHEMY

Have you been reading what's going on in the education systems of places like Kansas and Dover PA.? School boards are attempting to tear down Darwin's Theory of Evolution (about time!) with something called "Intelligent Design".

For those of us faithful Christian Republicans, Intelligent Design is just a lot of bullroar.

If you want to say God created the Universe, then just say it!

Intelligent Design patronizes God. It's condescending to Our Lord. God isn't intelligent. He's superduper smarter by a billion times than anyone in the world.

Those Intelligent Design folks are trying to say there is science to back up their theory. But God doesn't need science to say He exists. God is like Popeye. He is what He is.

I've been reading up on this Intelligent Design nonsense because I thought it might induce some heathen Democrats to return to the truth of God. But if anything, Intelligent Design may well scatter potentially good Christians into directions no one can imagine.

Proponents of Intelligent Design are willing to accept that the world was not created in six days. BLASPHEMY!

Proponents of Intelligent Design are willing to accept that God's creatures may have evolved on their own. BLASPHEMY!

Proponents of Intelligent Design are willing to accept that the universe may be more than 12,000 years old. BLASPHEMY!

In fact, some Intelligent Design folks refuse to say out loud that God created the universe or that the fossil record was deposited during Noah’s flood. BLASPHEMY!

So what's the point of Intelligent Design? Did the son of an Intelligent Designer die on the cross for our sins? Did Jesus say, "Forgive them Intelligent Designer for they know not what they do?"

The Intelligent Design people say that living cells are too complicated to have arrived through evolution; that only an Intelligent Designer could have created them. But how intelligent was it to create cancer cells? It wasn't intelligent at all. Only God could have created them for His own mysterious reasons.

Liberals think that the Intelligent Design people are trying to get God back into schools through the back door. Well, I say to those Intelligent Design folk, don't do God any favors. If God can part the Red Sea, He can surely get back into any school He wants to through the front door.

In other words, what America needs is more old time religion in school. Perhaps three hours in the morning, every morning, should be devoted to the teachings of God and His son, Jesus.

In George Bush's America, there should be no Intelligent Design or Intelligent anything for that matter.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Iraq demands restitution from Saddam Hussein

The Bush government has come under fire this week because a slimy British newspaper has printed photographs of Saddam Hussein in his nearly altogether. People figure President Bush should be personally responsible for what goes on in American-controlled prisons, like Abu Ghraib.

The thing is, people have made a mountain out of a molehill regarding Saddam. Saddam wanted his picture taken. Here's the official White House explanation...

As most folks know, Saddam Hussein stole billions of pesos (or whatever that Iraqi currency is) from his people.

Investigators have searched high and low looking for the money, but haven't found a red centavo.


So the Iraqi government has made a deal with the old dictator. If he starts to repay the money he stole, Saddam will receive leniency at his sentencing. (We already know he's guilty.)

Saddam has claimed that he doesn't know where any money is, but he's willing to work off his debt. Unfortunately, as a prisoner, there are limited opportunities to get work that pays big dollars.

In this photograph, he can be seen auditioning for Calvin Klein. No word yet on whether the Saddam underwear ad will be up in Times Square.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

An apology to all Muslims

That liberal Newsweek sure screwed up. What were they thinking when they reported that U.S. interrogators flushed the Quran down the toilet.

Even if it were true, the editors ought to have known what would happen among those hot-tempered, uncontrollable Muslims once they heard how their God's Holy Book was desecrated.

We in the West have to understand that Muslims are basically a backward people, really just children who are easily stirred up into a frenzy any time they are insulted. It's in their blood. They're like Latinos. They can't control themselves like us Westerners.

Now, as Americans we don't want to be condescending to Muslims. But someone ought to have known that a single sentence in a single magazine could be used to stir up a firestorm among people of a lesser god.

(When I say "lesser god", I don't mean to disparage the God of Muslims. I'm sure He's an adequate God. It's only that their God tends to provide them mud huts, a camel and a couple of goats while the Christian God provides spacious homes, SUVs and big screen high-definition TVs, not to mention military might.)

I can only hope that this episode serves as a lesson to the media. We in the Bush administration always check our facts before we move ahead. For instance, we checked to see if Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. When we realized they didn't have WMDs, we knew it was safe to invade. American lives are important to this administration.

So to all Muslims, please accept the apology of all Americans. From now on, you'll no longer hear about any abuse.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

President Bush does more in one hour than most folks do in a week

That was quite the scare yesterday with that potential terrorist Cessna buzzing the White House. (Fortunately, the Vice-President keeps fresh underwear in his desk drawer.)

Around noon the Secret Service told us to start running and I don't think I stopped until I got to West Virginia. Thank God, Homeland Security had worked out this great plan for just such a threat.

Of course, what was interesting and what a lot of ordinary folk don't know is that President George Bush is a master of time. For instance, during yesterday's threat on Washington, the President was mountain biking in Maryland.

A lot of people might wonder what the President is doing in the middle of a business day, in the middle of the week, in the middle of a War on Terror, riding his bike.

The thing is, President Bush doesn't need to be in the White House that much. Every morning, he reads a summary of something or other, makes a decision and then others carry it out.

For instance, one morning he received a summary that showed Saddam Hussein had Weapons of Mass Destruction and the potential to build nuclear bombs and he decided to invade. No wasted time. By 10 o'clock, he was out skateboarding.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

It's official...Poor people are responsible for rising gas prices

This morning, I had some important documents to drop off at the office of Vice-president Dick Cheney. Along with the VP's Halliburton bonus check, I delivered a white paper from the Treasury Department, which states categorically who is responsible for the rising gas prices in America.

It turns out poor folk are the reason it costs you $60 to fill up the tank of your Navigator. Here's the official administration explanation.

Poor folk shop at Wal-Mart.

Wal-Mart is the largest corporation in America — in fact, in the world. Its revenues make up 2 percent of America's GDP (whatever that is).

Wal-Mart has 6,000 suppliers. Of those suppliers, 5,000 or 80% can be found in one country. CHINA!

Recently, China has become the world's second largest consumer of energy and third largest importer of oil. It is the competition for oil that's driving up the prices on our God-given right to cheap gas.

Why would a backward Third World communist country need all that energy for?

Because it's busy making stuff for Wal-Mart.

So, if poor folk would start shopping at Nordstrom and Saks, energy prices would finally turn around and start dropping. But you can bet, those Democrat-voting, poor folks are too darn selfish to think about what's best for America.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

No hard feelings against the Saudis for 9/11

I know what a lot of you are thinking: 15 of the 19 terrorists who slammed into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon were of Saudi Arabian origin. So America ought to be keeping a careful eye on Saudis traveling to America.

The question President Bush has been asking himself according to Trish, one of my co-interns who often listens at the door to the Oval Office, should we be holding an entire nation suspect for the crimes of just a few bad eggs? Besides, everyone knows Saddam Hussein was behind the 9/11 attacks. We have verifiable reports that an Iraqi once met with someone from Osama bin Laden's organization. So let's stop pointing fingers at Saudi Arabia.

For the past three and a half years, we've made it tough for Saudis to get visas to enter America. Some of those rich princes and businesssmen have had to wait days and even weeks to get a visa while they go through background checks.

So what does that say about America? That we can't trust one of our closest allies. After all, it's not every world leader that President Bush will hold hands with. President Bush never held hands with Tony Blair or Pierre Trudeau or Vince Fox or that Israeli leader, Sharon something or other.

With the recent visit of Crown Prince Abdullah to the Crawford Ranch, President Bush has decided to look at the positive side of Saudi Arabia instead of just focusing on the negative.

For instance, the Saudi Royal family supports a lot of religious schools, something that we in the Bush administration would like to do.

al Qaeda 2
The Saudis also pay for a lot of summer camps throughout the Arab world where underprivileged boys have adventures and learn new skills. There's been some talk that the National Rifle Association might lend some technical support to these camps.

And, with the cooperation of the Saudis, America has managed to keep gas prices to reasonable levels.

So as a reward to one of America's great democratic, freedom-loving friends, President Bush has lifted those unjustified tightened visa restrictions for Saudi nationals. As we say down in Waco, the Saudis are good folk.

Monday, May 09, 2005

From the next President of the United States...Stand Your Ground Bill

As Florida Governor Jeb Bush prepares to assume the United States presidential office in 2009, he is already impressing the conservative base with his common sense and affirmation of the "culture of life".

Recently, Gov. Jeb Bush signed a bill giving Florida citizens the right to use guns or other deadly force in public. It's about time Americans stopped sissifying themselves by first trying to escape when confronted by a criminal.

The Florida measure, known as the "stand your ground" bill, lets people use guns in public much the way they're already allowed to use guns in their homes against intruders such as hobos and Halloween pranksters.

As Gov. Bush stated at a National Rifle Association Mother's Day breakfast, "What's the point of carrying a concealed weapon if you can't air it out once in a while?"

Simply stated, the measure lets a person "who is not engaged in unlawful activity and who is attacked in any other place where he or she has a right to be" use deadly force without first trying to flee.

Supposed you're at McDonald's buying a Quarter Pounder and the man next to you who is carrying one of those dangerous plastic knives decides to push you away from the napkin dispenser. In the old days, you'd have to walk away. But in Florida, you can shoot that so-and-so right between the eyes. No Floridian should have to feel humiliated at McDonald's ever again.

Suppose your child is in the school yard and a bully picks up a stone to throw at him. Instead of running away, your kid can simply open up his lunch box, pull out a revolver and blow that bully away. If that doesn't improve your child's self-esteem, nothing will.

Suppose you're a 90-year-old retiree in Miami Beach strolling along in your electric wheelchair when a purse snatcher threatens your life. Instead of trying to roll away, you can run your wheelchair over the assailant, hopefully killing him.

Suppose you're in the middle of a crowded street and some psycho attacks you. And suppose you shoot at the psycho and accidently kill a couple of folks just walking by. In the old days, a Floridian might find himself in hot water. But now, those innocent dead folks are just considered collateral damage, kind of like your everyday Iraqis.

Let's face it, if on 9/11 everyone on those four planes was carrying a concealed weapon, do you think those terrorists would have stood a chance of flying into the Twin Towers or Pentagon?

With Jeb Bush as President, I'm convinced that carrying weapons will become mandatory ensuring criminals no longer have the upper hand. While this won't have much effect in my home state of Texas, it'll sure make Massachusetts a lot safer.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

The Washington Post values my opinions

There are over 7 million blogs floating around in cyberspace. On Thursday, May 5, Howard Kurtz of the Washington Post chose my blog as representative of the feelings of people who found the First Lady Laura Bush's "performance" at the Correspondents Dinner reprehensible and disgusting.

Although Mr. Kurtz works for a liberal newspaper — the paper that misguidedly forced President Nixon from office — nonetheless Mr. Kurtz is one of the few mainstream journalists who has the mettle to publish the views of a conservative, God-fearing employee of the White House.

Now that the Washington Post has found me, I can only hope that they continue to publish my views from time to time. Here's a sprinkling. Mr. Kurtz, feel free to cherry pick any that you like.

ON THE TOPIC OF DEFICITS: It seems to me there's a lot of waste in our education system. For instance, we spend a lot of money to teach biology, anthropology and paleontology. However, we in the Bush administration recognize that the creation of the universe as described in the Holy Bible is less than 12,000 years old. So why waste time and money studying about things that some "professors" say took place millions of years ago, but couldn't have.

And lets dump that stupid Hubble Telescope that claims to bring in images that are millions of lightyears away. It just can't be. You can't have a million lightyears in a God-given universe that's only 12,000 years old.

ON THE TOPIC OF IRAQ: Since President Bush declared "Mission accomplished," fewer than 1,600 U.S. troops have died keeping the peace in Iraq. Heck, that many Americans are murdered each month in the United States, just with hand guns.

ON THE TOPIC OF CAPITAL PUNISHMENT FOR JUVENILES: I'm all in favour of the death penalty for adolescents and toddlers. Without the death penalty on the table, there's nothing to deter 12-year-old suicide bombers.

ON THE TOPIC OF PATIENTS IN A VEGETATIVE STATE: I believe vegetative patients have the right to run for public office. A lack of brain function should not be a determining factor in selecting America's representatives. Wasn't John Ashcroft beaten in his Senate race by a dead man? The Democrats set the precedent.

Mr. Kurtz, any time you need the opinion of an average Republican American, just drop me a line.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

I am shocked and appalled

I have never been so disappointed in anyone as I am in the First Lady, Laura Bush. Mrs. Bush, speaking at the recent Correspondents Dinner took it upon herself to embarrass and humilate President Bush in the eyes of the entire world.

How can President Bush stand up to those North Koreans and Iranians now that they know his manhood is suspect? Mrs. Bush made it clear that the President goes to bed every night at 9 p.m. without doing anything "exciting".

Well, perhaps saving the Free World from terrorism all day long just makes a man tired. Perhaps Mrs. Bush in her dowdy nightgowns just doesn't appeal to a man who can have any woman in the world — assuming he weren't a righteous Christian.

So what if President Bush isn't interested in sex. He's got other interests like putting tinpot dictators in their place. You don't need a big penis (excuse the expression) to invade Iraq. In fact, if President Clinton hadn't been having sex with anything that moves, maybe he would have had the time to invade a country or two.

Mrs. Bush was implying that she along with Lynn Cheney watch "Desperate Housewives" because their husbands are incapable of performing in bed. That is among the most cruel things I've ever heard.

Can you imagine Vice-President Cheney having sex? That's just a heart attack waiting to happen. Not to mention that all the heart medication the Vice-President takes obviously keeps him from attempting to procreate. I suppose with industrial strength Viagra, he might be able to get an erection. But you can bet his next erection would be a tombstone.

Although I've always assumed that Mrs. Bush and Mrs. Cheney were good Christian women, I now find that hard to believe knowing they watch such satanic trash as "Desperate Housewives" and go out with Condi Rice and Karen Hughes to watch male strippers. I was so embarrassed for the President when I heard the First Lady admit it in public.

You can bet that back home in Texas, when a wife says she's out watching male strippers, those concealed weapons Texans carry become unconcealed quick enough. If my Momma ever said anything like that about Daddy in public, you can be sure I'd be half an orphan with a father on probation.

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