Saturday, April 22, 2006

Another honor for President Bush

I'm not sure that I ever mentioned this but my uncle, Jimbo, is in the oil business back home in Waco. He's got a couple of wells and lately he's been doing real well, income-wise. I can't wait to see the ice rink he just installed in the basement.

Anyway, Uncle Jimbo's on the board of the Texas Oilmen's Association and he just called to let me know that my boss, President George W. Bush is receiving the Association's annual Man of the Year Award.
oil well

I'm not surprised people want to honor our President but I asked how the Association selected George Bush.

"Real simple," Uncle Jimbo said. "When Dubya got into office, oil was priced at about $23 a barrel. Now it's over $75 — more than triple. Dubya always promised to look after his ole buddies here in Texas and he's really come through."

"President Bush doesn't set oil prices," I said.

"Heck Nancy Jo, for a Texas girl you're sounding kinda dumb," Uncle Jimbo said. "Dubya's been workin' overtime for his ole buddies in the oil bidness. Nobody could have destabilzed oil flow like Dubya. Before we attacked Iraq, oil was gushin' outta that country like pus from an infected udder. Then Dubya called up and said get ready to start makin' some real money. We're goin' into Iraq and we're gonna mess with Iran. Dubya figured he could get oil up to $120 a barrel before he leaves office. I think he's gonna do it."

"But $120 a barrel for oil can't be good for America," I said.

"What's good for Texas is good for America," Uncle Jimbo chuckled. "Jest remember that the purpose of politics is to look after your own. And no one does that better than Dubya."

"That's a very cynical view, Uncle Jimbo," I retorted. "President Bush became President to return moral values to America." It took a while before Uncle Jimbo stopped snorting and laughing.

"That could be true Nancy Jo but here at the Texas Oilmen's Association, we don't give a damn if nuns are having a harder time gettin an abortion or folks with MS and Parkinson's have no hope for a cure. All we know is Dubya is makin' us rich."

Then Uncle Jimbo said, "We're so sure that Dubya's policies are going to affect America for decades to come that we're thinkin of making him our Man of the Century. But first, let's see if he can get the price over $80 by Memorial Day".

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Some very good news from the White House

As you might guess, things have been kind of depressing around the White House lately considering all those traiterous generals who don't know a damn (sorry about the language) thing are suggesting that Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld should resign and the President telling his trusted aides that they ought to consider resigning. And then there's Tom DeLay sacrificing himself for the good of the party. And the other Congressmen and Senators wrongly under investigation just for trying to be nice to that lobbyist who is barely American.

I suppose if I were being paid anything, they might be considering letting me go too.

Despite the depressing talk, Easter was still a joyous occasion around here. I understand that President Bush found the most Easter eggs of anybody in the family.

Antway, now for the really good news.

It seems somebody high up in the administration has been reading my blog and he read the part where I reported that America should take credit for the Civil War in Iraq. It just makes so much sense. After all, the United States had a Civil War and look at us now — big screen high definition TVs, Lexus SUVs and cute little doggie cookies that cost more for a bag than the cost of feeding an African family for a month. If it takes a Civil War to achieve our standard of living, then I say, let's get it started.

I can't believe it but President Bush himself heard of my recommendation and he was intrigued. So he called me into the Oval Office just before his scheduled bike ride.

"You're that intern I like to call Monica, aren't you?" the President asked.

"Yes sir," I replied, "but I'm not very fond of that nickname."

"Don't worry about it Nancy Jo," the President said. "From now on, you've got my respect."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I'm promoting you," the President said. "As you know, my staff are dropping like flies. I'll be lucky if I have a butler left by the end of the month."

"What are you promoting me to?" I asked with a very excited voice.

"Haven't made up my mind yet," he said. "Rummy's doing a heck of a job but if those generals keep stirring things up, I might need a new Secretary of Defense. You got any management skills?"

"I was class treasurer at the DeVry Evangelical Institute," I said making sure to remember to add that to my resume.

"I'd say that kind of experience puts you into the top ten percentile of this administration," the President said. "Anything else that might be helpful to this administration."

"I'm a very devout Christian," I said solemnly.

"That and a quarter will get you two dimes and a nickel. Quite frankly, I'm up to my butt in Christians who can't seem to do anything right and then tell me it's God's will. What else you got Nancy Jo?"

"Does virginity count?" I asked.

"I been a virgin since practically when the twins were born. It ain't all it's cracked up to be," the President said.

"I believe you mean celibate," I suggested.

"I'm not a Catholic," the President stated. "By the way, don't tell Laura I said anything, virginwise."

Then the President said, "Nancy Jo, I like the way you think outside the box. Heh heh, taking credit for the Civil War like we planned it. Great idea. Let me give it some thought. I can see you somewhere in the Cabinet pretty soon."

The President put on his helmet and headed out the back door.

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