Wednesday, July 27, 2005

What's wrong with "Turd Blossom"?

I suspect the Liberal press simply can't stand it when President George W. Bush expresses himself in ways that make him the most lovable, human president of the 21st century.

Naturally, I'm no fan of the Communist comic strip, "Doonesbury". So there are a million reasons why newspapers should cancel it. However, the reference to Karl Rove as "Turd Blossom" is not one of them.

(For those of you not familiar with Turd Blossom, it's the national flower of the State of Texas, next to the yellow rose. You see, when cows relieve their digestive systems, they leave droppings. Soon flowers grow from those droppings. Hence the name.)

President Bush, when he nicknamed Mr. Rove "Turd Blossom" wasn't suggesting that the Deputy Chief of Staff grew up in dung. Mr. Rove grew up a bastard. But as good Christians, we in the White House can forgive Mr. Rove the indiscretion of his mama.

Turd Blossom suggests that even a bastard baby can grow up to be a beautiful Republican. So you can see, there's nothing wrong with the name that Liberal editors are desecrating by removing from their newspapers.

Of course, being the fun-loving, jovial president that he is, Mr. Bush has nicknames for virtually everyone at the White House and folks who support him.

Vice-President Cheney is "America's Heart Throb". President Bush always offers the Vice-President a Big Mac and fries whenever he walks into a room. Always gets a big laugh.

Mr. Rumsfeld is lovingly referred to as "General Custer".

I'm not sure why, but the President likes to call Condi Rice "Ragtime".

The President calls Robert Novak his "Retarded Secretary for Misinformation".

Rush Limbaugh is known as "Cheech and Chong". I don't get it.

He refers to Ann Coulter as "My Friend Flicka". He used to call her "Lassie".

He likes to call Bill O'Reilly "Charlie McCarthy". Before my time, I think.

The Bush Twins are known as "Roe vs. Wade".

Jeb Bush is known around the White House as "Ballot Box".

The President likes to call his wife Laura, "You're no Barbara".

He calls his Daddy "One-Term Loser".

When he sees me wandering around the White House, President Bush sometimes jokingly calls out, "Hey Monica", but I don't think that's very funny.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Presidential clarification

As some of you may know, there's been an investigation into the release of the identity of a covert operative working for the CIA. Robert Novak, an alleged journalist, splashed her name all over the media like cheap perfume on a smelly sheep.

Anyway, here at the White House, there's been a lot of discussion about President Bush and Karl Rove. It seems that last year, President Bush said something to the effect that he would "fire anyone who had leaked such information." And now, Democrats are pointing their finger at Mr. Rove, as though he had something to do with it.

It turns out that President Bush may have spoken a bit too hastily.

According to the Bush Family personal attorney, what the President meant to say was, "I will suspend for one week without pay anyone who names a male CIA agent with the rank of G-9 or greater who has served 30 years or more and is currently involved in covert operations that directly affect our efforts in winning the War in Iraq and endangers the lives specifically of foreign agents with CD-2 or higher status who have been active for a minimum of five years in the European theater of operation.

Although what President Bush said last year and what he meant to say are virtually identical, it's apparent that by clarifying his statement, it shows that no one in the administration did anything wrong.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Reality TV at the White House

Although I personally find it hard to believe, President Bush's popularity numbers seem to have been slipping a mite.

So a committee has been formed to strategize concepts to enhance the President's poll numbers. The Republicans Advancing Presidential Effectiveness committee is looking at ways to deliver to the American public a true picture of the greatest American President of the 21st century.

One idea I really like is turning the White House into a reality TV program — like the Osbornes but without the cussing (unless Vice-President Cheney shows up).

The problem with this concept, according to a consultant to the R.A.P.E. committee, is that most Americans will easily get bored of a family that goes to church and prays a lot and goes to bed at nine.

One suggestion was to turn Barbara Bush, the President's mom, into the crotchety old White House cook so she can stick her two cents in wherever things get real boring.
In the draft script that I saw, they had Mrs. Bush saying funny things like, "George, if your father wasn't stupid enough to go after Saddam, how'd you get so dumb?" and "George, I just hope when history looks back, it don't confuse you and your father. I don't think his heart could take it."

Also under consideration is "Who Wants to Marry The President's Daughter?" In the pilot, Jenna is arrested drunk at a Chippendale's show (whatever that is) and the President agrees to bail her out of jail only if she agrees to marry a good, Christian Republican. (Log Cabin Republicans..are you reading this?!!)

The show will feature twelve of the most eligible Republican bachelors in Washington who will accompany Jenna to church socials, AA meetings and anti-abortion rallies. Over twelve weeks, Jenna will whittle down the selection to the man she will marry in the season finale.

To get the new family off to a good start, the new groom will get an administration job. Secretary of Defense is the most likely position.

The final concept that I kind of like is "Survivor—Iraq". The entire Cabinet is dropped off in Fallujah and the winning Survivor gets to live. They haven't worked out all the kinks yet but President Bush has already said, "Bring 'em on."

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

I'm applying for a full time job at the White House

It's the dream of every intern at the White House to get a real paying job working for President George Bush.

So you can imagine my excitement when I walked into the staff cafeteria today and saw a great job opening posted on the Help Wanted board. It read:

Needed Soon!



-No criminal record
-Ability to carry out strategy without getting caught
-No known affiliation to Robert Novak

Heck, that's practically my entire my resume.

I suppose Mr. Rove is being promoted or something because he's practically President Bush's best friend. Interesting enough, I went over to Mr. Rove's office to ask his advice on applying for the job. I was about to knock on the door when I heard this really loud sobbing coming from inside.

Then I heard this shouting which can't be repeated in fine company. It went something like...

"F--k that prissy Bob Novak."

F--K Time Magazine. Can't those f--kers hold on to their f--king notes like other f--king journalists."

Then there was more loud sobbing.

I decided to apply without Mr. Rove's help.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

President Bush prepares to write his autobiography

Now that President Bush is in his second term — the home stretch as Karl Rove likes to say — the President is starting to think about writing his autobiography.

It's not the $10 million dollar advance he cares about. He simply wants the world to know how he evolved from the son of a dirt-poor sharecropper into one of the greatest presidents of the 21st century.

Since Bill Clinton, who had nothing important to say in his long-winded, boring autobiography, sold over 2 million copies in hard cover, it's likely that a popular president like George Bush with his untold military tales, successful business operations and astute statesmanship will be able to sell twice that number. Because his wife Laura is a professional librarian, writing a book should be a snap.

Currently, President Bush is looking for a unique angle.

According to talk in the interns' lounge, President Bush is considering a pop-up book to appeal to a younger readership than most ex-presidents get.

I love the idea.

Imagine a chapter on Pesident Bush's struggle against terrorism and Saddam Hussein. Open up the next page and up pops Weapons of Mass Destruction.

Imagine a chapter in which the President describes his fight against alcoholism and his born-again Christianity. Open the next page and up pops Christ on a Crucifix smiling down on George Bush.

President Bush is also leaning toward a section in which readers can color — for instance, red states and blue states — using Crayons or Magic Markers. He feels an interactive book will bring his readers closer to him. I agree.

President Bush also feels that his readers might enjoy puzzles as part of his autobiography. I suppose there could be skill-testing questions such as:

When exactly did George Bush serve in the military?

Why was it so important to invade Iraq immediately?

Another section under consideration is called "Where's Osama?" It's a really complicated drawing of sheets and towels on laundry lines as well as haystacks everywhere and somewhere in the picture is Osama, dressed in a sheet, a towel on his head, his face looking like a haystack. I think everyone will try to find him.

President Bush can be seen writing his first chapter with a little help from a few staff advisers.

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