Saturday, November 29, 2008

Christmas shopping with President Bush

Not many folks realize that from time to time, President Bush goes into public as just "regular folk", kind of like the Prince in The Prince and The Pauper book. Naturally he goes incognito. One of those occasions was the day after Thanksgiving, known to American shoppers as "Black Friday". If it never occurred to you, the President has a lot of gifts to buy before Christmas.

This year, President Bush arranged for me, his lowly intern, to take him shopping at a Baltimore mall, popular with African Americans who would least be likely to recognize him. I picked up the President at the airport at four in the morning. He had just flown in from Crawford where most folks thought he was spending all Thanksgiving weekend.

He hopped into my 1998 Corolla and we were off, followed by 12 Secret Service agents in three black Buicks. The President wasn't recognizable at all since he was dressed like a Hasidic Jew with a long black beard, dangling sideburns, a big black hat that wasn't a Stetson and a long black silk coat. Only the cowboy boots seemed out of place.
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"I swear, Mr. President, even your mother wouldn't recognize you," I said as I drove quickly on the near-empty roads.

"I think she would," the Presdent said. "This is the outfit she wore on Halloween last year."

By the time we got to the mall, there was already quite a line-up at Wal-Mart. "Do we have to get in line?" the President asked.

I said that we could ask the Secret Service to butt in for us but folks might get suspicious of federal agents using their authority to get a religious Jew to the front of the line for Christmas shopping. He agreed, so we got into line with a lot of folks, mostly dark-skinned who looked at us kind of strange.

When the Secret Service agents, who I suppose might be mistaken for policemen, got out of their cars and started approaching the line, a lot of folks for some reason decided to step out of line and leave. So we moved up a lot quicker than we expected.

When the doors to Wal-Mart opened at six, the President and I were in the first wave to make it into the store. Unfortunately, the 12 Secret Service agents were being held back since the store had reached its limit. I'm not sure exactly what happened but I did see two elderly Wal-Mart greeters lying on the floor and the agents were soon surrounding us.

"Where do you want to start?" I asked the President.

"I reckon I ought to get Laura's present first," he replied.

"What kind of gift were you thinking of?" I asked.

"Something frilly. Something sexy. Some kind of lingerie to get a man interested, if you know what I mean. Ever since she made those nasty remarks about me at that Correspondents' Dinner—'asleep at nine every night'—I figure I better get back in the saddle, if you know what I mean."

I could feel my face burning red. The President continued,"But it's been hard to get excited about Laura since she goes to bed in these nightgowns that look like they're made of horse blankets. Do you think Wal-Mart's got a good lingerie department?"

"Maybe we should save that particular gift for later," I said. "I think there's a store in the mall that might specialize in that kind of item."

"But will the prices be as good as Wal-Mart's?" the President asked.

"Sir, I doubt it." So we went to the Wal-Mart Ladies' Department where the President, dressed like a Hasidic Jew, elbowed his way past what looked like the offensive line of the Dallas Cowboys and into a discount bin of see-through nighties.

"At this price," he shouted, "I'm getting two!"

"Okay," the President said enthusiastically. "Now for the Twins. I need something hip for them. Something really fashionable."

"This may not be the store..." I started to say but the President said, "I didn't fly all the way up from Crawford just to miss out on the great deals. Find me something hip and priced real good."
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We fought our way through the throngs. The Secret Service made some effort to clear a path for us, pushing and punching a few shoppers. "Oy vey," the President said from time to time to maintain the illusion.

"How about those?" the President said pointing to a rack of Daisy Mae blouses, made in China for about a quarter a piece. "They look kind of pretty, Oy vey."

He grabbed two blouses, both red.

"Don't you think Jenna and Barb might want different colors?"

"Heck no, they're twins" the President replied. "They love dressing up alike."

"Now I need something for that old bat of a mother. I don't supposed they sell enema kits here, do they?" He waved a secret service agent over and asked him to check the pharmacy for enema kits. "Get the one with the widest hose, even if it costs more."

"What about your father?" I asked.

"Don't worry about him. He's starting to get forgetful. I'll just tell him that I just gave him whatever sweater he happens to be wearing. That'll make him happy."

For some reason, the shopping spree with the President of the United States wasn't turning out to be as much fun as I had expected.

To make a long story short, I left the mall carrying a small shopping bag with the President's gifts while the President pushed a shopping cart holding a 50 inch plasma screen TV he'd bought for himself that we put into my trunk and bungeed closed. I guess it was a successful shopping trip because the President seemed very happy. He was singing something that went "If I was a rich man" and he offered to buy me knish for lunch, whatever that is.

11 Comments:

Blogger The Musket said...

Hi,my Name is Jason Andrews,a teen in TN and I blog too.And to be honest I'm not sure if I believe you,for a few simple reasons.If you are whom you say you are you have the Presidents comlpete trust in everthing.Also I'm not sure you would really tell a few things for security reasons.Knowing very much about his secret service from articles and everything else.I thought it'd be more.So I'm not sure if I believe you but since thats what you say you are I'll assume it.If you want you can try to persuade me other-wise at valleyforge2006@gmail.com

4:30 PM  
Blogger Christine Brannan said...

ROFL!!!!

2:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's sattire. Not the best effort I've ever seen but decent.

3:11 PM  
Blogger Nancy Jo said...

Not the best spelling of satire I've ever seen, but decent.

5:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Me thinks this is a recycled tale. But it was funny the first time and it is still funny. Pity George isn't. Funny that is. His mind (Ha!) is as sharp as a bowling ball

7:59 AM  
Anonymous icnorth via Smirking Chimp said...

Hi Nancy Jo,

Good to see you back after your hiatus. Sure missed the "insider" reports I've become accustomed to. B.T.W. have you discovered where Big Dick has holed up these past few months,or is he on the turkey tour to Iraq incognito.

Wishing you a great holiday.

8:56 AM  
Blogger 興奮 said...

yes ~i want
..................................................

1:59 AM  
Blogger 裕瑤 said...

快樂的微笑是保持生命康健的唯一藥石,它的價值千萬,卻不要花費一文錢..................................................

9:14 AM  
Blogger OdiliaRWynne said...

好的部落格就要和好朋友分享--感謝分享........................................

8:12 AM  
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7:50 AM  
Blogger sachin said...

We are one of the leading slotted angles manufacturers and exporter in Delhi (India). Buy today from our various slotted angels including steel slotted angles, iron slotted angles etc.

6:12 AM  

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