Wednesday, August 31, 2005

God working in America

As most of you know, I'm a graduate of the DeVry Evangelical Institute with a degree as a Registered Divinity Assistant. So naturally when co-workers in the White House have questions about God, they come to me.

As you might expect, there were a few questions about Hurricane Katrina that has devastated a big chunk of the South (although my prayers were answered when God did not turn the hurricane toward Texas).

Trisha, my co-intern, wondered why God would punish America when we are fighting in His name against the evil in the Muslim world.

I explained that God did not punish America. He punished New Orleans and Biloxi — two of America's most evil cities. New Orleans is known for its debauchery and drunkedness while Biloxi has moved from Christianity to gambling.

So Trisha wanted to know why God punished so many innocent people, many of whom are good, God-fearing Christians.

I pointed out that you can't do good without collateral damage.

Why would God have collateral damage? Trisha wondered. She pointed out that God can do anything, so why not save innocent people?

My feeling here is that God did not want to embarrass President Bush. Although America is working so hard to create a better Iraq, we still have to inflict collateral damage to get our work done. If God shows that He too can't help but inflict collateral damage, President Bush becomes more in God's image.

Then Trisha wanted to know why God would even send a hurricane in the first place?

Having studied Intelligent Design 101 and received an A+ on my essay, God: What's the point of having power if you don't use it?, I was able to explain that natural disasters are God's way of saying, "Hey folks, don't forget about me."

But why doesn't God just use His power for good things? Trisha wanted to know.

I said that if God only used His power for good things like killing abortion doctors, gay couples and liberal Supreme Court judges, then we Christians would lose our appreciation of the good things He does.

I could tell that Trisha was still having trouble understanding the relationship of a killer hurricane and the benevolence of God. So I said, look to the Bible.

About five or six thousand years ago, God brought a Great Flood upon the earth survived only by Noah, his family and a bunch of animals. Had it not been for the flood, the earth would still have dinosaurs roaming about. Can you imagine the kind of damage those animals would do in downtown Waco or Washington? Can you imagine how much food they would eat leaving a lot less for us humans?

The Great Flood got rid of the dinosaurs so that we Christians could live a better life.

I think Trisha finally got it.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Stroke of genius

The "Terrorism in Texas" has come to an end, thank the Lord. That awful mother of a dead U.S. soldier, Cindy Sheehan, has finally left Crawford and now President Bush can finally relax on his vacation.

As I pointed out in my last entry, folks here at the White House were trying to figure out how to get that woman away from the President. It turned out charging her with prostitution, even in Texas, wouldn't work.

Then Vice-President Cheney came up with a great idea.

"We've got that fat-assed preacher Pat Robertson praying for vacancy on the Supreme Court," Vice-President Cheney pointed out.

Perhaps you've seen the Reverend Robertson (I don't believe the term used by the Vice-President is really appropriate) on his television program praying real hard to the Lord asking that someone like Ruth Bader Ginsburg or that Souter fellow dies so their seat can be taken by a true Christian Republican.

"Lord," the Reverend Robertson says, "can't you just smite a liberal judge so America can serve you better. Lord, can't you grow a giant tumor in Ruth Bader Ginsburg's head so she would have to resign. Lord, can't you have a Palestinian terrorist blow up Justice Ginsburg (while making sure no Christians are hurt).

So far, Pat Robertson's prayers have not been answered although there are some in the administration who believe Sandra Day O'Connor's resignation may have been the work of the Reverend Robertson.

Anyway, Vice-President Cheney personally called up Pat Robertson.

"Pat, you old miracle worker you. How's the prayer business going?"

"I've got a few good contracts," the Rev. Robertson said. "Tom DeLay has me praying that Bill Frist become paralyzed, now that he supports stem cell research. And of course, I have the annual contract from Focus on the Family to pray that Hillary Clinton suffer from ovarian cancer."

"Can you handle another prayer contract?" Vice-President Cheney asked.

"For you, of course," the Rev. Robertson replied. "What do you want God to do."

"I suppose you've seen that f--king Sheehan b--ch on TV terrorizing President Bush. It seems we've got no f--king legal means of getting that c--t out of Crawford. So we want you to pray to the Lord, or Allah to whoever the f--k you pray to and get that c--t out of Crawford. And make sure to tell God it's a priority."

"It sounds like this could require simultaneous prayers to Jesus and God. That's ten thousand dollars an hour," the Rev. Roberston said.

"Make it happen and we'll toss in a fill-up at the gas station of your choice," said the Vice-President.

I guess you know the rest. Mrs. Sheehan's mother had a stroke, thanks to the work and prayer of Reverend Pat Robertson, and Mrs. Sheehan finally left Crawford.

I heard President Bush broke 90 for the first time in a week. He's taken quite a few strokes off his game. Ha ha.
Thank you Jesus.

Monday, August 15, 2005

The Patriot Act in action

Usually, I don't work on weekends — especially since I don't get paid. But this past weekend, the White House was hopping with a pressing emergency and everyone who is anyone had to show up.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales was there and so was Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff, along with the usual White House regulars.

The subject: Terrorism in Texas.

President Bush is being terrorized by Cindy Sheehan and other parents of dead service personnel.

The question under discussion during the White House confab was whether Ms. Sheehan could be labeled a terrorist and therefore locked up at Guantanamo Bay, at least until President Bush's vacation is over.

"Has she threatened the President?" Mr. Chertoff asked.

"I believe implicit in her actions of peaceful protest outside the President's Crawford Ranch is that she is threatening to ruin the President's vacation," Mr. Gonzales replied.

"Are President's vacations covered by the Patriot Act?" Mr. Chertoff asked.

"Again, it's open to interpretation but the Patriot Act does provide a significant amount of latitude to enforcement agencies to ensure the security of the President and I saw President Bush on TV yesterday talking to reporters and he didn't look too secure," Mr. Gonzales responded.

"Are there any other instances of mothers of dead U.S. soldiers being labeled as terrorists?" Mr. Chertoff asked.

"I think we could get away by labeling the mothers of John Wilkes Booth and Lee Harvey Oswald as terrorists," Mr. Gonzales suggested.

"Is there any chance we could strap a suicide bomb belt on Mrs. Sheehan while she's asleep and arrest her for putting lives in peril?" Vice-President Cheney piped up.

"Too much media coverage," Mr. Gonzales said. "I really think we'll have to go with the usual Texas standby."

"What's that?" asked Mr. Chertoff.

"Soliciting the President for purposes of prostitution," said Mr. Gonzales. "We'll drop the charges after Labor Day."

"I hope it works," said Vice-President Cheney. "I heard the President had four triple bogeys yesterday."

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

President Bush checks in for messages

This morning as I was walking by the Oval Office, Barbie, the President's secretary asked me to take over the phone while she dashed into the ladies' room. Seems she had eaten at an Indian restaurant last night. I think it's about time our native people started fending for themselves and opening up businesses in Washington.

While I was at the desk, the phone rang.

"Collect call from Crawford," the operator said.

O my gosh, it was the President calling to pick up messages. Although a lot of folks in the media have been scoffing at President Bush for taking a 5-week vacation, his 50th since becoming president, President Bush never leaves work far behind. He always calls in once or twice a week to see how the war's going or if Vice-President Cheney is under doctor's care.

"I accept the charges," I said without even getting authorization from anybody.

"Who's this?" President Bush asked.

"Nancy Jo. I'm an intern."

"Ain't you the one I nicknamed Monica?"

"Yes Sir," I replied coldly. "I'm not really fond of that nickname, Sir."

"Would you prefer to be called Turd Blossom?"

"No Sir. Monica is fine." Then I asked, "How's the vacation going, Sir?"

"Not bad. I got some little old maudlin lady sitting at the bottom of my driveway whining about her son that got killed in Iraq and how I should pull out the troops. Mostly I jest ignore her but she's always looking at me funny as I drive off to the golf course. Kind of puts a damper on my day."

"Sorry to hear that Sir," I commiserated.

"Laura and I saw The Wedding Crashers at the drive-in last night. What a hoot that Vince Vaughn fella is. The movie got me thinking about another funny idea for a movie. A couple of uninvited fellas go to the United Nations and start a war with some country for no good reason. I haven't worked out all the details but I think writing that script might be fun after I leave office."

"It sounds like a dandy idea, Mr. President."

"You got any messages for me," the President inquired. I looked around the desk and found a pile of pink slips.

"There are a few messages for you Sir. Got a pen handy?" I asked.

"Shoot," he said.

"Tony Blair called and would like to speak to you as soon as possible."

"I can't stand talking to that fella. All that spineless weasel ever wants to talk about is getting his troops out of Iraq. I think I'll jest blow him off til I get back to Washington."

"There's a call from a Prime Minister Paul Martin."

"Who's he?" the Presdient asked.

"Don't know. He didn't leave a country."

"The heck with him. Could be the leader of some white-sounding African nation asking where's our money to fight AIDS. Tell Barbie, next time, get the name of the country."

"Yes Sir." I made a note. "There's a message from Ken Lay."

"Who? I don't know no Ken Lay. Rip it up."

"There's a message from your mother. It says, 'Remind George to wear a hat when he goes outside.' Are you wearing your hat, Mr. Presdident?"

"Yes, I'm wearing a hat. Obviously Dad is away from home and Mom's got no one to bother so she has to call the White House. This is exactly why I never gave her the phone number to the ranch."

Then the President asked, "Anything from Rumsfeld or Condi?"

I riffled through the remaining messages but saw none. "No Sir."

"I reckon that means all's going well with the War. Good. Tell Barbie I'll be checking in next week, maybe Monday or Tuesday. Anyway, nice talking to you, Monica. Heh, heh."

"Nice talking to..." He hung up.

All I know is that when I go on vacation, I never think of work.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Victory in Iraq is just a declaration away

You know the old saying: When the cat's away the mice will play. Well, President Bush is currently tied up on vacation in Crawford. However, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld and Vice-President Dick Cheney have been meeting here at the White House quite a bit.

From what I can tell from some torn-up notes I found in the wastepaper basket, the War in Iraq is almost over. Hooray!!!

With the recent increase in marine casualties and insurgency attacks, I was personally concerned the war might go on for another 12 years as Secretary Rumsfeld predicted a while back.

But from what I read, Mr. Rumsfeld and Mr. Cheney are recommending to the President to simply declare victory and pull the troops out.

There's no downside.

The Democrat-Liberals won't object because they never wanted America bringing freedom and democracy to Iraq in the first place. And Republicans will be as happy as flies on a turd blossom knowing that America stood up to tyrrany and defeated it. The families of dead American soldiers can rest easy knowing their sons and daughters did not die in vain. And the Iraqis...well they're free. They've already had an election. What more could they want?

There was one cryptic remark in Mr. Cheney's handwriting. "Civil war?"

But I figure that's the beauty of democracy and freedom. The Iraqis should have the freedom to have a civil war if they want. America had one and we became the richest country in the world (although I believe if the South had won, our labor costs would be a lot lower now).

Although Congress must approve wars, it turns out the President doesn't need Congress to declare victory.

So this is how things are likely to play out.

Remember how the first President George Bush waited a while, and let the first Iraqi war go exactly 100 hours before declaring victory. Historically, a 100-Hours War has a real nice ring to it. And it's easy for future American students to study the war in high school. (The whole Bush clan is real thoughtful and considerate.)

Of course, the first President Bush declared victory and left Saddam Hussein in power thinking Saddam wouldn't spend every minute building up weapons of mass destruction. And as we all know, this is the mistake that led to our current war in Iraq to free the people and bring them democracy. If the first President Bush had gotten rid of Saddam, we wouldn't have had to give a darn if those Iraqis were free or not. They'd be just regular Arabs like Saudis and we sure as heck don't want those folks getting democracy and wrecking our oil relationship with the House of Saud.

Anyway, according to the Cheney-Rumsfeld notes, our current President George Bush is going to let the War in Iraq run for exactly 1,000 days, which makes for a nice, round number.

On December 14, 2005, President Bush will declare victory in Iraq ensuring that Iraq's Muslims will get to enjoy Christmas, worship Jesus Christ and exchange gifts with no more war in their backyards.

I'll bet Christmas in Baghdad will really be beautiful this year.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Postcard from Crawford

One of the great traditions of the George Bush administration is that every time President Bush goes on vacation, he sends the interns a postcard that we place on our bulletin board. The picture on the card generally contains a cow, cowboy or both.

We just received our 50th postcard from a very thoughtful president.

Here's what he wrote:

Deer inturns,
It sure is relaxin being away from all that war and terror goings-on. I'm keepin my mind active though. Played 6 games of checkers in an hour against my secret service agent and won them all. I jest don't understand how I never can beat Laura. See you all in 5 or 6 weeks. Don't start any wars without me. Ha ha.
Your president,
George W. Bush
P.S. If Dick Cheney tries touchin anything in the Oval Office, jest shoo him away.

I love you President Bush (in an avuncular way).

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Potpourri...tying up loose ends

As we all know, charity begins at home. And the bigger and more luxurious the home, the better. That's what Republican tax cuts are all about. Charity.

But to make our tax cuts permanent, it's essential that President Bush finds ways to cut costs. For instance, it's cheaper to keep our troops in Iraq than in America because the cost of living in Iraq is so low. In Iraq, an AK-47 costs like $10.

Lately, President Bush has been working on another great money-saving idea. Perhaps you've heard that the President appointed John Bolton to the U.N. without the Senate's consent. And he just appointed Peter Flory as assistant secretary of defence, again without the Senate's consent.

What all this shows is the Senate is not that important. By cutting out the Senate, the United States government could easily save a billion dollars a year in salaries and expenses. Then there would be the huge savings in less pork-barrelling.

To many in the White House, President Bush has already expressed how much more efficient government would be if he could rule without those busybodies of the Supreme Court and the moochers in the House of Representatives. All he really needs is about 50,000 really loyal soldiers and America could run like clockwork.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Today, Wednesday August 3rd, 14 marines were killed in Iraq doing the democratic, freedom-loving work assigned to them by President George W. Bush. In the past 10 days, 43 marines have been killed in Iraq.

Within the last month, over 50 Londoners (America's allies in Iraq) were killed by despicable Muslim terrorists.

Then yesterday, Tuesday, August 2nd, a planeload of French people crashed at a Canadian airport — and not one, single person was killed or even badly injured. As you may know, neither the French nor Canadians are our allies fighting for freedom in Iraq.

Although I would never, ever question God and his Master Plan, I must admit I'm a little curious as to why cowardly French people and useless Canadians would walk away from a disaster when God-fearing Americans and brave Englanders are felled in the prime of their lives.

God's work on earth would certainly be so much more understandable if a few of those Frenchies had perished.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

People seemed shocked that President Bush says he believes Rafael Palmeiro when the baseball player says he has no idea how steroids got into his body.

President Bush is a man of trust. So it's his nature to believe people.

When Ken Lay said he had no idea how $5 billion was removed from Enron, President Bush believed him.

When Karl Rove said he didn't reveal the identity of a CIA agent, President Bush believed him.

When Hans Blix said there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, President Bush believed him. But the cost of living in Iraq was just too good to resist.

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