President Bush watches Brokeback Mountain

When it comes to movies, it's well known around the White House that President Bush favors Westerns.

I remember the President once saying, "That Robert DeNiro fella can't hold a candle to Clint Eastwood and a big monkey." I don't know what that means.

Last Christmas, Mrs. Bush (Laura) gave the President a boxed set of Roy Rogers DVDs. According to my co-intern Trish, it's rumored that the President has always taken a shine to Dale Evans. On nights when the President watches his DVDs, according to Trish, it's also rumored that Mrs. Bush wears something alluring to bed in case the image of Dale Evans does the trick. I'm not sure what the "trick" is.

Anyway, there's been a dearth of cowboy movies in recent decades. After John Wayne died, there probably hasn't been more than a handful of Westerns made worth watching.

So when the President heard that a new cowboy movie was being released and it already had a lot of good reviews, he was dying to get a sneak peak. One of the privileges afforded the President of the United States is a private screening of movies before they are released to the public.

So the other night, I was invited to attend the official Presidential screening of Brokeback Mountain. Actually, I was invited to hand out popcorn and make sure the President's diet Coke cup was always filled.

For a while, the President really seemed to be enjoying the movie. He said stuff like, "Ain't that scenery mighty pretty," and "Those cowboys really know how to ride," and "Those two cowboys are mighty handsome looking fellas." Mrs. Bush agreed as did Vice President Cheney who had also been invited.

After a while, the President started getting a might uncomfortable. He was squirming in his seat. I figured he had to go to the restroom but was too polite to stop the show just for his own needs. Then I looked up at the screen and those two cowboys were kissing.

"What the f--k are those motherf--king fags doing?" screamed Vice President Cheney. "I come from Montana and I can assure you all there are no f--king kissing queer cowboys."

"Calm down," said Mrs. Bush. "Being a librarian, I understand allegory and metaphors and such. These boys aren't really kissing. It's just a dream sequence to explain the isolationist tendencies of American men." She then stared at her husband.

A minute later, Vice President Cheney blurted, "That boy's got his f--king c--k up that other boy's a--hole. What kind of cowboy movie is this?"

Then President Bush said,"Cowboy movies are supposed to be about shootin' and killin'. Not lovin' like a Sodomite. This is the most unChristian thing I've ever witnessed."

At this point I expected the President to announce the end of the movie but instead he continued watching transfixed.

"Dick," the President said to the Vice President, "did you know that's what men do to each other when they're sinning?"

"Mr. President," the VP replied, "I had a pretty good idea."

"You ever done that, Dick?"

"No sir," the VP announced.

"So how do you know so much?" the President asked with his eyes glued to the screen.

"My daughter sir," the VP said. "She does that kind of stuff with women and then tells the whole d--n family about it at f--king Christmas dinners."

Eventually, one of the cowboys in the movie marries a woman and being a good Christian, President Bush accepted his redemption.

As they were leaving the screening room, Mrs. Bush asked the President if he'd like to watch some Dale Evans and he seemed pretty enthusiastic.

Dick Cheney entertains the troops in Iraq

My Daddy used to tell me about a fellow named Bob Hope who every Christmas used go to wherever American troops were stationed and entertain them, bringing along pretty actresses to remind the troops of what they were missing back home.

This year, Vice President Dick Cheney made a surprise visit to Iraq to entertain our troops. (Look for It's a Very Dick Cheney Iraqi Christmas Special coming to a local TV station soon.) At the White House, a bunch of us got to see a rough cut of the program. It's pretty good.

There were thousands of troops seated out in the desert in front a large stage. Then the Vice President appeared on stage wearing an army uniform and carrying a golf club to the cheers of the troops.

CHENEY: This is the uniform I always wanted to wear but those d--n student and family deferments kept getting in the way of my going to Vietnam and sharing in the joy of killing f--king gooks for my country.

CHEERS!

CHENEY: I know it's politically incorrect to refer to those chinks as gooks, especially since they're doing my dry cleaning and I sure as hell don't want Ding Dong Tran burning my pants.

LAUGHS!

CHENEY: Anyway, I just want to say I get too much respect. I go into the Oval Office and I say, why not invade Iraq and the President of the United States says "okey dokey".

LAUGHS!

CHENEY: I get too much respect. I tell the blowhards at Fox News that al-Qaeda and Saddam are in bed together and they f--king believe me like I'm Oprah Winfrey.

CAMERA PANS OVER TROOPS AS THEY LAUGH HYSTERICALLY.

CHENEY: I get too much respect. I tell Scooter, my little hand-puppet to f--k with those s--theads who don't agree with our policy. So he outs a CIA agent.

LAUGHS!

CHENEY: Anyway, I'd like to introduce a pretty young lady who's come all the way from Washington and Texas — that is one very large lady just kidding — to sing for you. Put your hands together for Harriet Miers.

CHEERS AND WHISTLES

Ms. Miers walks on stage wearing a slinky top with a plunging neckline and Hot Pants.

MIERS: Thank you, Dick. I thought I might come out here and sing the Diana Ross version of "Baby Love" but I was told to stay away from the Supremes.

LONG PAUSE AND SILENCE

MIERS: Anyway, it's a pleasure being here in Baghdad. If I bomb, well you're already used to it.

LONG PAUSE AND SILENCE

MIERS: Anyway, I'd like to do my rendition, oops sorry, can't say rendition anymore. I'd like to do my version of "Jesus loves me, yes I know".

I'VE NEVER HEARD IT DONE AS A RAP SONG BEFORE. INTERESTING.

Later in the show, Vice President Cheney introduced a local Iraqi entertainment troupe — The Flying Saddams.

It turns out that after the real Saddam Hussein was captured, the six fake Saddams no longer had any work. So they formed a dance troupe based on Riverdance.

Only there weren't any pretty girls with shapely legs, just six women covered head to toe in black burqas. And for that matter, the men dancers couldn't actually dance. However, it was kind of funny watching six men who all looked identical to Saddam Hussein hopping around on stage like they were running barefoot on hot coals while six women stepdanced with covered legs, which kind of defeats the purpose.

Anyway, it seems that no expense was spared to ensure our troops in Iraq have a very memorable Christmas.

Thoughtful gift-giving for Christmas

Christmas is a time for giving, a time to remember those less fortunate than ourselves. It's a time to be compassionate, to remember those who are persecuted and offer whatever relief we can.

When the spirit of Christmas moves you, here are a few tax deductible gift-giving suggestions from the Republican National Committee.

Since many of you already live in Republican Congressional districts, you can choose to donate to your own Representative's Legal Defense Fund. (Believe me, if your Representative is Republican, he has one.)

If you live in a Democratic district, donations are kindly welcomed at the following charities:

—Tom DeLay Legal Defense Fund

—Bill Frist Legal Defense Fund

—Scooter Libby Legal Defense Fund

—Randy "Duke" Cunningham Legal Defense Fund

—Karl Rove Legal Defense Fund

—Bob Ney Legal Defense Fund.

You can also buy a Legal Defense Fund Plan from the Republican National Committee making it easy and convenient to contribute to whichever Republican Senator or Representative happens to be unjustly persecuted at the time. A simple bank pre-authorization for whatever affordable amount you wish to contribute (minimum $50 monthly) is all that is required.

Perhaps you'd like to help out victims of Hurricane Katrina who remain officeless.

The Republican Party headquarters in New Orleans was completely ruined. Republican staffers have been operating out of six FEMA trailers since three days after the hurricane. It's unconscionable. Donations are welcomed at the Let's Rebuild New Orleans (Republican) Organization www.makingneworleanswhite.com.

Although George W. Bush cannot run for president again by law, you can still choose to contribute to the Re-elect George Bush Campaign. One percent of all contributions go to buying phone cards for our troops in Iraq, so your contribution is really important.