Sunday, November 25, 2007

The liberalization of Saudi Arabia

As you probably know, Saudi Arabia is among America’s closest friends and allies. So you can imagine the disappointment that President Bush felt when he heard that the victim of a gang rape, a 19-year-old woman, was sentenced to six months in jail and 200 lashes for being raped.

Being the compassionate conservative that he is, President Bush requested that the Saudi Ambassador to the United States come to the White House for a little informal gab. The President was going to use the opportunity to press for leniency for the young rape victim.

“Mr. Ambassador, I’ll come right to the point. We in American think it’s a little barbaric to punish the victim of a crime.”

“Are you suggesting we liberalize our laws?” asked the Ambassador.

“Well, I wouldn’t want to use the word ‘liberal’. Just make them a bit more democratic.”

“But the reason you like Saudi Arabia so much is because we’re not democratic at all. All the democratic countries in the Mideast hate America.”

“Yeah, you got me there. Still, I can’t be seen being close friends with folks who whip the living daylights out of girl who was gang raped. You’ve got to see this from my point of view.”

“Of course, Mr. President. We are not the Philistines you think we are.”

“I didn’t say you lived in Gaza.”

“That’s Palestinians. Philistines are, well never mind.”

"All I'm sayin', Mr. Ambassador, is that 200 lashes is too high a price to pay for being a victim."

"May I point out, that like America, Saudi Arabia has mandatory sentencing."

"I wasn't aware that you people are usin' our initiatives to model your justice system after."

"Yes, we are great admirers of American justice. We've always been impressed by your record as Texas governor. What was it? 145 executions and no reprieves."

"You're makin' me blush," the President said. "It's 147 by the way."

"Mr. President, there was a time in Saudi Arabia when a woman such as this would have been executed for being raped. Today, she will live a full, happy life, once out of prison. Here in America, your young people have tattoos and piercings. Our young woman will have welts. Not much difference."

"I reckon you've got a point. So you're sayin' you folks are gettin' more lenient in your justice system."

"Oh, absolutely. I remember once years ago, a school teacher said that not all Jews were the children of Satan. In those days, we dropped that teacher into a vat of boiling oil. Today, that same teacher would simply be beheaded."

"Very progressive," the President said.

"I remember a friend's sister as a child. She crossed the road on a green light but was struck by a driver going through a red light. A girl has no business being on the road without a male relative. Although she wasn't killed by the driver, the driver had the right to run her over again until she was dead."

"Did he? Run her over again."

"Of course. The law is the law."

As the ambassador was leaving the Oval Office, President Bush shouted out, "Maybe when you folks whip that girl, you can count by twos." The President is always thinking of ways to make the world a little bit better place.


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