Thursday, March 31, 2005

Loyalty oaths for all Americans...about time!

As I deliver memos from office to office in the White House, I've been getting a real good understanding of how this great country operates. For instance, this morning I was taking a memo from Karl Rove over to Vice-President Cheney and couldn't help but notice a really great idea that this administration is considering.

I only hope it goes through. As best as I can recollect, the memo said something like...

During the election campaign, Republicans were able to keep pesky protesters away from town hall meetings with the President by making all attendees sign a loyalty pledge to George W. Bush. Mr. Rove has realized a loyalty oath could have lots more value in running the administration.

For instance, all federal employees should sign loyalty oaths or lose their jobs. That makes sense since nobody should work for a boss they don't like. If a postal worker cannot be loyal to the President, he can deliver newspapers.

All White House correspondents should sign loyalty oaths since reporters have a knack for twisting the news when they're covering somebody they're not loyal to. Had Dan Rather signed a loyalty oath, he would not have screwed up his career.

All judges should sign loyalty oaths. If judges question executive decisions, nothing gets done in Washington.

All senators and congressmen including Democrats should sign loyalty oaths to the President. How can democracy thrive in America if seditious legislators are undermining the democratic work of this President?

It's fabulous ideas like loyalty oaths that separate America from Godless Communist countries.

Only when all Americans have signed loyalty oaths to President Bush will this country be free to discuss important issues with the President present.

Please let me be first to sign.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

It was just a coincidence

A lot of my Washington co-interns have been smirking a lot lately. Yes, I was in Waco last week. And yes, President Bush was in Waco last week. And no, nothing happened between us.

President Bush spent his time pretending the President of Mexico and the Prime Minister of Canada were important. Oh, I suppose they're important in the same way a mechanic is important in keeping your Hummer rolling. But ask 10 people in America who Paul Martin is and eleven will say "I don't have a clue."

There's a lot of upset here in the White House about the recent Colorado court ruling allowing a murderer to beat the death penalty because jurors used the Holy Bible from their motel room to help them decide to kill the fellow. Where's the justice if God's word cannot be used to electrocute someone? God said, "Thou shalt not kill." We as Americans should be guided by what God said. So if someone kills, we've got to kill him back. Spare the chair and spoil the criminal, that's what God says.

On a happier note, we southern Republican Christians have those Hollywood atheists on the run. Can you imagine that there are people who wanted to show a movie about volcanoes and claim they're over 12,000 years old? Heck, the whole universe as created by God is only 12,000 years old at most. I wouldn't mind them showing a movie like that as science fiction but when they try to sell it as fact, well that kind of thinking is dangerous for the minds of America's youth.

It's unGodly thinking that leads to things like Islamic terrorism.

At the DeVry Evangelical Institute where I attended school, there was only one science worth learning — Creationism. It's the only science with the Bible on its side, so it's the only one that can be proved with facts.

It's heartening to see that the new Iraqi democracy is working hard to work God into its new government. With God as the center of its new constitution, we can only imagine how well Shiites, Sunnis and Kurds will get along.

Friday, March 18, 2005

Let us honor our holy furball

I was expecting to return to Washington this week but something real exciting happened back home in Waco. My cat, Spiro, threw up a furball. It wasn't just any furball. As I was bending over with a paper towel to clean the thing up, I realized that it somehow looked familiar.

I called my Daddy into my bedroom to examine the furball and darn if he didn't notice that it was the spitting image of the Holy Mother of God, the Virgin Mary breast-feeding the Baby Jesus.

Daddy picked up the Madonna and Child furball gingerly and set her into a velvet-lined jewel box for safe keeping. Since Easter's just around the corner, we figure the furball is a special gift from God.

Daddy told our pastor at the Ronald Reagan Memorial Baptist Church and pretty soon we had the whole congregation flocking to our home to worship the miraculous little furball. Somebody was mentioning his dog had dropped a turd with a resemblance to a crucifix but I thought that was just so inappropriate.

Anyway, for the last couple of days, people have been driving up from as far away as Oklahoma City to gaze upon our unique homage to the Virgin Mary. furballWe had a special plexiglass case built for it. Regular folks can view the spiritual furball between noon and five. Mexicans are invited between six and seven.

Folks have been telling us to sell our gift from God on eBay since cheese sandwiches with the face of Christ fetch about $35,000. But before I'd sell my furball, I'd need a sign from God that it's okay. I think $75,000 would be a good sign.

The dean of my former school, the DeVry Evangelical Institute, has invited me to bring the furball to school and describe the miracle of its creation to the students. I've accepted the offer.

So I won't be entering anything in my diary until after Easter.

I hope President Bush doesn't do anything interesting while I'm away.

Monday, March 14, 2005

In Waco with Lay and DeLay

Over the weekend, I went home to Waco for the first time since I became a White House intern. It was a heck of a good reunion.

RickBob, my lovable but sadly retarded brother, had just been released from Guantanamo Bay, so it was a sort of homecoming for him too.

The Justice Department after several weeks decided that mentioning the United States Constitution during an FBI interrogation should not constitute a crime. So RickBob was sent home to Waco on a private charter plane that according to my dumb brother went via Kosovo, Baghdad and Kabul. I think RickBob just got on the wrong plane.

The big treat of the weekend was a big family and friends barbeque. When Republicans get together, you can bet there's going to be plenty of pork.

Ken Lay arrived in handcuffs and that got a big laugh. I feel mighty sorry for Mr. Lay because so many Americans think he had something to do with the downfall of Enron and I just know he didn't. People are accusing him of stealing billons of dollars. I've known Mr. Lay all my life practically and he's just not smart enough to do what he's accused of.

People expected him to know the accounting at the company was bad. From my experience, Mr. Lay would have been too darn lazy to be looking at all the accounting. It makes no sense for him to have known what was going on since he spent so much time vacationing and all. When you're earning as much as Mr. Lay, you just don't have the time to be in the office. Spending millions is very time-consuming.

You know how I know Ken Lay is innocent. Daddy and Mr. Lay are good buddies. But while half of America was scrambling to invest their hard-earned life-savings into Enron, Daddy never invested a plug nickel. He used to say, "Kenny makes your brother RickBob seem like Alfred Einstein. If Kenny's in charge, Enron is just roadkill waiting to happen."

I hope Mr. Lay isn't found guilty but as Daddy says, "Worse comes to worse, there's always a presidential pardon. It's not as though Kenny didn't buy himself some loyalty from Dubya." I'm sure President Bush would give Mr. Lay a pardon since he is a compassionate conservative.

Another close family friend at the BBQ was Congressman Tom DeLay, Sugar Land's finest. He was telling some awfully funny stories. It seems he goes up before the House ethics committee so often, the House has created his own personal ethics committee. Only Republicans need apply. That got a big hoot.

Congressman DeLay was also collecting contributions for his personal charity, Celebrations for Children Inc. Uncle Wilbur, as he was handing over a check for ten thousand dollars, asked the Congressman which children were helped by his charity. Mr. DeLay said, "My children." That got a real big laugh.

Anyway, it was nice to be back in Texas with real down-home Americans.

Friday, March 11, 2005

America's #1 most important issue: Steroids in baseball

Every president has to have priorities. There's a lot that President Bush could have talked about in his last State of the Union speech but he choose to zero in on steroid use in professional baseball.

The fact is, there's not much wrong with the United States. Under President Bush, crime is way down and so too are taxes. The war in Iraq has turned into a magnificent march toward democracy and freedom. The economy is rolling along. There aren't enough Democrats in Congress to do much harm to the moral values of the nation.

About the only thing that needs addressing in America is steroid use. Thankfully, Congress is moving full throttle into holding hearings.

America does not need any more baseball players doing Viagra commercials because you know, that's what steroids do. They shrivel up men's you-know-whats. The Russian Women's Olympic team is composed virtually of all men who have been taking lots of steroids. That's a fact.

Take Governor Schwarznegger. During his California campaign, a bunch of women accused the Governor of groping them. Well, after decades of steroid use, groping is about the only thing left that a man can do. Were it not for the steroids, he would likely have been accused of much worse and California would still be in the hands of a Democrat. (Although this makes steroid use seem like a positive, it shouldn't.)

There will be a sad day in January, 2009 when President Bush is constitutionally forced out of the White House. On that day, George W. Bush intends to take over the reins of Major League Baseball. It's always been his dream to work his way up from the U.S. Presidency to Baseball Commissioner.

President Bush is using his power as the supreme commander of the the most powerful nation in the world to stop steroid use now because when he takes over baseball, he expects it to be cleaned up.

His first order of business when he takes over America's pastime: No Canadian teams.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

The Passion of the Mel

Those of you who are familiar with my Profile know that my all-time favorite movie is Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ. The depiction of the suffering of Christ on our behalf was magnificent. Watching that movie, I felt every blow, every kick, every lash. I even felt as though I could understand Yiddish, or whatever those folks were speaking back then.

With the approach of Easter, something special is about to happen with the film. It seems some folks have a low tolerance for the gruesome reality of out Lord's last 12 hours on earth, not counting the Resurrection. (Admittedly, if this movie had not been about our Saviour, I probably would have been puking all over my skirt.)

Mr. Gibson is re-releasing The Passion cutting out about six minutes worth of torture and brutality. Those of us who've seen the movie six or eight times may recognize which bits are missing but otherwise, most people will hardly notice.

What has me so excited is that my favorite movie is joining forces with my favorite administration.

Rather than just throw those six minutes of film away as someone like Barbra Streisand might do, Mr. Gibson has graciously donated those six minutes to be made into a training film for the U.S. Military Prisons System. Prison guards from Guantanamo Bay to Abu Ghraib will learn how to treat suspected terrorists with the same courtesy extended to the Son of God. What more could any criminal want?

Mr. Gibson, from all Americans, thank you for your beautiful Easter gift.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Girls...There are some great looking single Republicans

I've been in Washington for nearly two months and I've got to admit I get a little lonesome from time to time. I mentioned this to my co-intern friend Trisha and she said she'd heard of a great way to meet some fine Republican fellows who'd be real gentlemen (unlike that O'Reilly fellow.)

Trisha said we simply had to join the Log Cabin Republicans. It sounded like fun. I wondered if they had some sort of clubhouse that was made to look like a log cabin.
I guess the name honors
Lincoln, an adequate president
for a northerner

Last night was the first meeting that we've attended. It was held in the Mary Cheney Room at the Shoreham and I've got to admit I've never been in a room with so many men who were so courteous. Not one of them made a lewd comment to either Trisha or me, even though we're quite presentable. It was a relief to be among such fine gentlemen.

I guess the evening was a kind of mixer although the only other women there were a couple of waitresses and two women who seemed to be dressed for motorcycle riding. What were they thinking? No fellow wants to go out with a woman who doesn't care about how she looks in public. I knew those two were no competition.

I suppose the Log Cabin Republicans are kind of a shy bunch and so aren't really good at getting the word out when they're having a party and inviting some young ladies. A few times during the evening I suggested that I might be able to bring along a few of my female co-interns to the next mixer but there didn't seem to be much interest.

I think we picked a pretty fun night to come. They had a singing contest. There were three fellows from the Justice Department dressed in long gowns. They called themselves The Supremes and sang a great renditon (oops, can't say rendition anymore) of "You can't hurry love." There were a bunch from the State Department dressed up like a policeman, an Indian chief, a construction worker and so on. They really got the crowd enthusiastic.

Later on, they had a kind of Mr. Universe pageant, I guess in honor of Republican Governor Schwarznegger. Although I try real hard to keep lustful thoughts from my mind, I have to admit I never thought American-born Republicans could have bodies like the fellows up on stage. The winner was a well-known reporter for the Republican media although I hadn't heard of him. I just got his first name, Jeff.

I must admit I was a bit disappointed that none of the Log Cabin boys asked me out for Saturday night but I expect I'll be seeing most of them in church on Sunday morning.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

There's such a thing as too much democracy

I saw this in the newspaper this morning:

BEIRUT - Close to half a million pro-Syria demonstrators rallied in a square in Beirut on Tuesday, answering a call from the militant Islamic group Hezbollah to show their support for a continuing Syrian presence in Lebanon.


Democracy is like firearms. Everyone should have some but first you need to learn how to use it wisely. By the fact that half a million Lebanese came out to support their Syrian occupiers, it's obvious that these folks are democrazy.

The fact is, democracy is a foreign concept to a lot of foreigners. Here in America where democracy was invented, we automatically understand the concept. Some foreigners do; some don't.

Let's look at the Ukrainians. These people have a good understanding of democracy. When they had a newly elected government that half the country didn't like, the people took to the streets until they got a pro-Western government. I'd call that democracy in action.

Evidently, the Lebanese have learned nothing from the currently democratic Ukrainians. Democratic people do not rally in support of terrrorist groups like Hezbollah and weasily countries like Syria. They rally in favor of pro-Western ideals. The freedom to worship God. The freedom to bear arms. The freedom to send your children to the school of your choice, if you can afford it. And all the other freedoms that make America great.

With today's Beirut demonstration, it's apparent that Lebanon can't handle democracy. Imagine if these people had an open election right now. They could end up voting for some pro-Iranian government, which by definition is anti-democratic. So America would be forced into nullifying the election results and selecting a pro-democratic government to give the Lebanese people their rights to freedom and liberty.

I believe the Bush administration agrees with this assessment.

As I was delivering coffee and crullers to Mr. Rove this morning, I overheard some snippets of conversation emanating from the Oval Office.

Vice-President Cheney was saying something like, "We can't let those Lebanese f--kers s--t all over the f--king work we've been doing in the G---am Middle East. F--king Arab A--holes." (Although I may not agree with his word selection, I agree with his sentiments.)

I heard President Bush suggest a "training vote". "We'll give those Lebanese some of our old election ballots, maybe there's still a few left over from Florida, and see if they can figure out how to vote democratically." I heard a lot of voices saying, "Good idea", "Great idea, Mr. President."

Democracy is like a hot chili powder. It needs to be sprinkled on sparingly or it'll burn your brains out. If and when Lebanon ever gets a democracy, I pray they use their voting powers intelligently. Otherwise they'll end up with a government like Canada's that won't even accept ballistic missile defense that's free! Who the heck turns down free stuff?

Monday, March 07, 2005

Iraqi women are such crybabies

Some people are just never satisfied. I was delivering a report to Andy Card today and I couldn't help but notice that it was all about Iraqi women complaining about the regime change. I'm just so peeved.

First the Iraqis practically begged America to attack and get rid of Saddam Hussein and bring freedom and democracy, which we did. Now the whiners are starting to come out of the woodwork, Here's what's going on as best as I can explain it. (Those CIA reports are kind of technical.)

I never knew this but it seems that Saddam was a pretty wily dictator. For some reason, he had a soft spot for women. What I mean is that compared to countries like Saudi Arabia and such, women could lead a Godless existence, as though independence of mind is a good thing.

Saddamite women could divorce and keep their children after a breakup. They could inherit property. And it seems a lot of women held high-ranking jobs and had all the educational opportunities they wanted. In fact, those Iraqi ladies didn't even have to wear head scarves on the street. Heck, I can do all that stuff and it's no big deal to me.

However, now that Iraq is democratic with the Shiites in power (they're kind of like enthusiatic Republicans), a couple of the rules are changing, which seems to upset some of those Iraqi ladies.

For instance, to keep from getting beat up by loyal-to-America Shiites, women now need to wear head scarves in the streets. Is that really a big deal in order to enjoy freedom and liberty? Sometimes in Waco, I'll wear a Stetson and I'm not complaining.

The thing is, under Saddam religion was no big deal in Iraq as it is in America. That's why Iraq was a heck-hole. But now with democracy, the elected representatives have the power to bring Godliness into government, just as George Bush has done. And they're doing it. Iraqi Shiites have got their own set of fundamental Islamic rules and I think we have to respect them since they're in power fair and square.

In their religion, women just don't need that much freedom. It seems that their God wanted men to take charge. It's in their Bible, so it must be so. And if women protest too loudly, well a few of them have been killed by good God-fearing fundamentalists who are simply trying to protect the democratic rights of the majority. Nobody wants Benedict Arnolds in a new democracy, which some of these women seem to be.

With the new government in place, it seems a lot of women are afraid to leave their homes and so enrollment of females in universities has dropped considerably. Well, looking at it from another point of view, perhaps too many women were going to university in Saddam's time and now things have simply balanced out.

You just know a lot of liberals are going to side with these crybaby Iraqi women and suggest that the United States step in and protect their "so-called rights". But I don't believe it's the role of our government to be telling other governments how to run their business.

And to any Iraqi women who may be reading this with your newly obtained Internet freedom, learn to love democracy despite any insignificant flaws. You're no longer living under a harsh dictatorship. Get a nice burka and start enjoying your freedom and liberty.

Free Iraqi women making a
fashion statement in their
new democratic society.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Let's count our blessings

There is so much negativity in the press and among liberals. Let's stop a moment, put things into perspective and count our blessings as Christian Republican Americans for Peace (C.R.A.P.).

Through pinpoint accuracy of our Cruise Missiles, America destroyed all the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. The world is a safer place.

Since President Bush declared "Mission accomplished," fewer than 1,300 U.S. troops have died keeping the peace in Iraq. Heck, that many Americans are murdered each month, just with hand guns.

The right to bear arms remains strong in America. (Keep your NRA membership up to date.)

We've pushed Syria into ending its occupation of Lebanon. No longer will an Arab country be occupied by another Arab country. Let's leave occupations to the experts, as Don Rumsfeld said on the Jay Leno Show the other evening.

Our missile defense program will ensure that no missile fired from Canada or Mexico has an opportunity to reach Kansas City.

Our color-coded security system makes it virtually impossible for terrorists to attack the United States without us first being warned about it.

There are all kinds of wild reports that President Bush is building the largest deficit in U.S. history. Although I am hardly a Buddhist, I have learned one thing from those Orientals. Live in the moment. And right now, in this moment, Americans are enjoying fantastic tax cuts. If I actually earned any income, I would be real pleased.

Once Iraqi oil is flowing without those annoying insurgent interruptions, those grateful Arab folks will do their part to help pay off our debt. Count on it.

Social security is about to be fixed. The solution was so simple that only President Bush could see it.

Although old people who belong to AARP support gay marriage, they are too old fortunately to have more children and propagate their homosexual urges.

The Lord in His infinite wisdom, sent the Tsunami away from the shores of the United States.

And finally, unlike the left-wingers, we have no need to rant and vent in idiotic blogs.

Friday, March 04, 2005

Fun at the Crawford Ranch

I'm betting there's going to be a good time in Crawford this weekend.

Last night as I was walking downtown, I saw Condoleeza Rice and Donald Rumsfeld coming out of a store called Leather & Whips. I reckon they've been invited down to The Ranch by President Bush to do some riding.

I guess they were picking up some gear.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

The President talks to schoolchildren

Since it's more than possible that United States troops will still be helping the Iraqi people with their democracy and freedom in 10 or 15 years' time, it's important for Americans to understand our role without being confused by liberal propaganda.

Most American adults have already made up their minds about America bringing democracy to Iraq. The overwhelming majority of Americans believe it was right to rid Iraq of its dictatorship, which we did. However, there are still a few naysayers.

However children, unlike liberals and other leftists, have open minds. They can still learn why it's so important to bring freedom to Iraq so that in 10 or 15 years' time, they won't be particularly concerned about American troops stationed in Iraq.

To this end, the administration is packaging a lovely video for distribution to schools for all grades, from kindergarten to grade three. In the video, President Bush speaks directly to the schoolchildren paralleling Iraq's story with the story of the United States.

President Bush in his natural folksy way explains how when Americans came to the United States, there were a bunch of Indians ruled by chiefs, just like Iraq was ruled by one big chief. But Americans believe no one should dictate how governments are run. So Americans had to start annihilating Indians, much like we annihilated some Iraqis in order to give them freedom and democracy. Now Indians can vote; and so too can Iraqis.

Other freedoms: Iraqis have their mosques; Indians have their casinos. I guess that's about it.

I must admit I got misty-eyed as President Bush recounted the glorious story of how grateful the Indians were for our help. They created Thanksgiving to bring Americans turkey and cranberries. (I believe there's a movement afoot in Iraq to create a similar holiday to thank the United States for all we've done.)

Today's schoolchildren are our future. It's important for them to understand our history and the history we are writing for the Iraqi people.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

The Robert Novak Scholarship for Cooperative Journalism

One of the perks of being a White House intern is that there are a number of scholarships I can apply for when my tour of duty on Pennsylvania Avenue is over.

The Karl Rove Politics Scholarship is designed for interns who wish to study at Bob Jones University and major in push-polls, whatever they are. The curriculum uses a lot of case studies like, "During the 2000 Primaries, were South Carolinians more or less likely to vote for Senator McCain over Governor Bush when they learned McCain is father to a black
baby?" I'd be curious to know the answer to that.

The Dick Cheney ROTC Scholarship is designed to honor the Vice-President's personal commitment to military service. There's also the Dick Cheney Medical Scholarship awarded to an intern intending to study medicine with a specialty in cardiology.

The John Ashcroft Black Studies Scholarship was created for white interns who wish to major in Black Studies. Currently, it is the best-endowed scholarship at the White House since money has never been withdrawn.

The President Bush Junior College Scholarship is designed to give an intern the same kind of education the President received without having to go to Yale and Harvard.

Folks who have been reading my diary tell me I've got some natural journalistic instincts. So I'm pretty interested in studying journalism. Fortunately, the White House has just introduced the Robert Novak Scholarship for Cooperative Journalism, named in honor of the administration's most cooperative journalist.

If I get the Novak Scholarship, I'll be studying subjects like:
-How to turn talking points into my own viewpoint;
-How to find the news story in a press release;
-Why journalists should always cooperate with Grand Juries; and
-TV punditry - It's better than working for a living.

I expect the competition for this one to be fierce. I heard Jeff Gannon may be teaching a course.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Why can't we all just get along?


What you are seeing is not gay in any way. President George Bush kissing Senator Joe Lieberman is strictly a manly, Biblical display of affection.

This photo shows that George Bush is a "uniter", a president who is more than willing to go more than half-way across the aisle to deal with the Democrats.

You'd think that after kissing Lieberman on the lips, President Bush might get some slack from the "lieberals". But noooooo.

Just today, the liberal-leaning Supreme Court decided that juvenile criminals should not be liable for the death penalty. You know what this means? Al Qaeda will soon be sending 12-year-old pilots into buildings knowing that adolescent suicide bombers cannot get the death penalty in America. What is there to stop fanatics?

During his tenure as Texas governor, George Bush could boast 135 executions going off without a hitch. And you can bet most of those executees got what they deserved.

The death penalty is as American as apple pie, the DAR and the NRA. The threat of execution is the one thing that unites all Americans.

The Bible says, "Spare the rod and spoil the child." Some kids deserve the electric chair. The Bible says so. I think Jesus would agree. After all, if execution was good enough for the son of God, it ought to be good enough for your son too.

Those liberal Supreme Court judges are getting mighty aged. Lets look forward to the return of the death penalty for toddlers and up with the next conservative justice pick.


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