Thursday, June 30, 2005

Picnic with the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth

This July 4th, all like-minded folks in the vicinity of Waco, Texas are invited to spend their Independence Day with those great American patriots — the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth.

Along with plenty of egg salad and Kool Aid, there's going to be lots of activites and interesting speeches.

Ken Lay will provide the opening address during which he'll discuss the general lack of trust among Americans. With Democrats constantly criticizing President Bush, could there be a more appropriate topic or a better person to deliver the speech?

Donald Rumsfeld will represent the administration and point out how he had always told the public that the American presence in Iraq was likely to be a dozen years. Americans have simply forgotten.

Also on hand will be Senator John McCain who will finally admit that he has an illegitimate black baby and he's happy that the George Bush campaign broke the news to all those folks in South Carolina during the 2000 primary campaign.

On Lake Waco, the Swifties are going to hold a light-hearted re-enactment of John Kerry earning his three Purple Hearts in Vietnam.

For his first PH, the actor playing Kerry will pretend to cut his finger while opening a Coke bottle.

The second PH comes when John Kerry gets a splinter as he's polishing the rail of his boat.

For his third Purple Heart, John Kerry pokes himself in the eye when he looks into the wrong end of a telescope.

The Swifties will then outline in a special pageant how a Bronze Star and a Silver Star, both intended for George W. Bush, were misdirected and sent to John Kerry by mistake. But since the military never admits mistakes, the medals could not be taken back and given to the rightful person.

I'm surprised that President Bush can show so much loyalty to a military that let him down so badly. But that's the kind of person President Bush is.

The kids will get to play Pinocchio — otherwise known as "Pin the nose on the Democrat". Always fun.

On a more serious note, the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth are going to deal with the news that a Mad Cow found in the United States came from Texas. Fortunately, the Swifties have documents that show the cow actually came from Iraq by way of Canada.

You can always count on the Swifties for the truth!.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

President Bush: Man of Faith

"Just as America is divided into two parties — Republicans and Democrats — so too, the Muslim world is divided into two parties — terrorists and non-terrorists."

The above is from a State Department report I found near the White House shredder. Just by reading that line, I find it so much easier to understand the world.

The mission of America is to work with non-terrorists, wherever they might be.

President Bush discovered that there were literally hundreds and perhaps thousands of non-terrorists living in Iraq under the iron fist of the ultra-terrorist, Saddam Hussein.

Freeing those many non-terrorists from the clutches of the myriad terrorists has been the primary goal of this administration.

Although many Democrats criticize President Bush for tying Saddam Hussein to 9/11, the fact is according to files in Vice-President Cheney's office that Saddam was also responsible for the attack on Pearl Harbor and was a close associate of Mark Felt. Documents do not lie.


In his speech at Fort Bragg, President Bush displayed amazing courage by stating that he will continue to sacrifice American troops as long as necessary because fighting the Iraqi insurgency is "worth it."

Because the President is a man of God, he has faith that America will ultimately triumph. And faith is all that any president needs.

I heard that President Bush has lately been comparing himself to Job. How appropriate!

Currently, God is testing our President by bringing on the biggest terrorist attack in American history, by allowing the President to humiliate himself with his "Mission Accomplished" address, by letting thousands of American troops die in Iraq, by letting his popularity numbers drop.

As long as President Bush stays the course and continues to have faith in God, God will reward him. I'm certain President Bush's popularity numbers will again rise. What could be more rewarding?

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Americans can look forward to the Year 2017

The White House has already begun preparations for the victory celebration when American troops start arriving home from Iraq in 2017.

Although President Bush will no longer be in office (I feel sad just writing this), we can assume there will still be a strong Republican-Christian leadership in the United States ready to welcome home our troops from their duties in the newly democratic Iraq.

Speaking for the administration, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld told the American public that we will not be fighting the Iraqi insurgency for more than another 12 years. Whew! Some people I know were wondering if there were an end in sight. Well, there is!

Anyway, Karl Rove has already hired a national party planner to handle the details of the returning troops celebration. The party planner, a friend of Mary Cheney and a Log Cabin Republican is very excited and is hoping Cher is still alive in 2017 for a spectcular celebration concert.
Naturally, there will be a victory parade. All those soldiers with legs will get to march. National Guard troops who served 10 years or longer in Iraq will have the honor of marching at the front of the parade and hold up the "Mission Accomplished" banner.

Here's something the kids will really like. The party planner is considering a float with a large cage in which there'll be maybe a dozen prisoners from Gitmo. With them wearing their orange suits, they should add a lot of color to the proceedings. (If Osama bin Laden is captured by then, he could have his own float, perhaps being force fed pages of the Koran.)

The party planner wants all towns and cities to have their own simultaneous fireworks displays to celebrate America's victory. However, Homeland Security has concerns that terrorists will use the opportunity to light biological cherry bombs and nuclear sparklers.

Naturally, America's troops will be entitled to a lot more than just a high five and a parade.

For instance, the administration is already ensuring that every member of the Armed Services will receive a Social Security Private Account with $100 deposited into it to get them started on their retirement financing.

As well, military personnel will received enhanced medical benefits. They will be given special permission to purchase their drugs directly from Canada.

And most importantly, the administration is already planning a memorial wall containing the 14,000 names of soldiers who are predicted to die fighting for Iraqi freedom.

I only pray that President Bush is still alive in 2017 so he can personally unveil the memorial and smash a bottle of champagne against it.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

The truth about Hillary Clinton

By now, you've probably read the new book by Edward Klein outlining how despicable Hillary Clinton really is.

In this well researched tome, Mr. Klein outlines how the junior senator from New York lies, cheats and has lesbian affairs between affairs with men other than her husband.

The thing is, Mr. Klein only scratched the surface.

Last week, I was cleaning up some files in Mr. Rove's office when I came across a file called "Hillary — 2008 Presidential Run". In it, Mr. Rove has evidence that Mrs. Clinton is basically Satan's surrogate on earth. Among the items contained in Mr. Rove's file:

There's a photograph of Hillary having sex with a goat.

There's a photograph of Hillary providing oral gratification to Osama bin Laden as the terrorist is pointing his rifle toward the World Trade Center.

There's a transcript of a conversation between Hillary and Kim Jong Il in which Hillary, speaking in fluent Korean, tells the North Korean leader how to build a nuclear bomb.

There's a medical report that Hillary has AIDS and gave it to their dog, Buddy. Buddy was then run over by Democratic operatives to protect the secret.

There's a photo of Hillary working as a stripper to pay her way through law school.

There's a record of her working with Sirhan Sirhan to assassinate Bobby Kennedy so she would have a better chance to eventually become president.

There's proof that she was both Ho Chi Minh's and Jane Fonda's girlfriend from 1968 to 1974.

There's proof that Hillary is not the mother of Chelsea.

There's proof that Hillary was raised as both a Muslim and a Jew.

There's proof that Hillary fixed the 1998 World Series and made over $20 million.

There's a picture of Hillary eating curried kittens.

There's a sworn deposition stating that Hillary has been doing stem cell research since 1978.

Abortion clinic records show that Hillary has had 23 abortions in the past four years.

There are official police records showing that Hillary ran a stop sign when she was 17 and killed a schoolmate.

There's proof that Hillary is responsible for the failure of the War in Iraq.

With explosive evidence like this, Mrs. Clinton better not be thinking about running for the presidency.

Monday, June 20, 2005

President Bush adopts Bill Frist's health care cost control measures

The cost of medical treatment in the United States is spiralling out of control.

However, thanks to Senate majority leader Dr. Bill Frist, the President has a new weapon in his arsenal to keep health costs down.

President Bush was very impressed with Senator Dr. Frist's ability to diagnose a patient — in this case, Terry Schiavo — using a video cassette. Simply by screening the cassette, Dr. Frist could tell that Terry Schiavo was showing signs of life while doctors who were up close and personal thought she was in a persistent vegetative state.

The autopsy of Terry Schiavo provided ambiguous results — for instance, she still had a brain which God could have turned on any time He wanted to. However, Senator Dr. Frist's expertise in making a long-range diagnosis proved there's a lot of waste in our health system.

With modern technology, do doctors really have to see their patients in person?

Under President Bush's Better Than Ever Health Care Initiative:

Doctors will no longer maintain costly offices.

Instead of visiting doctors, sick people will go to a local medical video recording studio where they will record their symptoms on a digital camera. Rather than using expensive American-trained doctors, medical diagnoses will be out-sourced to cheap Indian doctors who will view the recordings and return a diagnosis, usually within 24 hours.

President Bush will introduce more faith-based medicine. Why should true believing Christians be using expensive drugs when a little prayer will be just as effective and a lot cheaper?

Because levels of faith among Americans vary, President Bush will ask America's most faithful Christians to voluntarily give up their federally subsidized drugs for cancer treatments, arthritis and diabetes. The administration expects 100% of these conservative, Christian Republicans will put their lives into the hands of God, allowing the administration to once again cut taxes.

When asked on Fox News about his video cassette diagnosis of Terry Schiavo, Senator Dr. Frist said, "Seeing and personally examining patients is highly over-rated."

He then said, "My Lexus mechanic better not be getting any ideas."

That Bill Frist is a funny guy.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Pentagon Report: Canada is ripe for U.S. invasion

There's an awful lot not to like about Canada.

First off, it's got an entire province devoted to being French. That's a bit too much French too close to America for my liking.

While America remains in a constant state of terror, Canadians are walking around like the world is normal. They don't even have a color coding terror alert system.

Canadian tourists flock to Cuba whereas no American has stepped foot in Cuba since 1960.

The Canadians set up a Conservative Party based on the Republican Party, then put some retard in charge so the party keeps shooting itself in the foot. According to State Department reports, the Canadian Liberal Party has been caught dead to rights with its hand in the till. But Canadians still prefer a corrupt government to a Conservative Government led by a retard — unlike Americans.

Which leads me to a military report I just delivered to Vice-President Cheney.

It seems that ever since the War of 1812, the United States has maintained a game plan for re-invading Canada.

After all, Canada has more than its fair share of natural resources with only one-tenth the population of the United States. Fact is, we could really use all that Canadian oil, natural gas and of course, pure water. (There are golf courses in Arizona that are absolutely scorched while Canadians go swimming.)

For the last 190 years, opportunities to invade Canada have been few and far between. Things looked good in 1941 when Japan bombed Pearl Harbor. We were about to claim that Canada was in cahoots with the Japanese but the Canadians declared war on Japan before the United States did. So that opportunity vanished.

The fact that Canada did not join America in the Worldwide Coalition of the Willing to invade Iraq (although we grudgingly admit they are in Afghanistan) seemed to signal another opportunity to invade our northern neighbor. However, since most of our troops are in Iraq, attacking with military might below full strength could prove to be a mistake.

That is until now.

The Pentagon reports that on May 3, 2005, two Canadian soldiers, both male, married each other at Canadian Forces Base Greenwood in Nova Scotia. It was a "Christian" service that received the blessing of the base commander and base chaplain.

Canada's fighting men are now fighting about who does the dishes and who takes out the trash. Boot camp is now a honeymoon retreat. If homosexuals are guarding Canada, then the country is defenseless.

The Pentagon suggests that America claim that Canada has weapons of mass destruction. We know this for a fact since most of the weapons are ours.

The Pentagon recommends attacking Canada in the middle of the night when the soldiers are most likely to be wrapped up in each other's arms in some kind of disgusting military orgy.

America, get ready for 20 cents a gallon gasoline.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

An ugly family secret

I spoke to Daddy this morning and he said it would be okay to tell you about a family secret that has haunted our family for over a century.

Perhaps you've seen the news. The Senate has apologized for not acting decades ago to make lynchings illegal.

My great, great, grand uncle Roscoe was a licensed lyncher in the State of Texas. Whenever folks in the community felt there had been a miscarriage of justice done, Roscoe was licensed to organize the mob and proceed to lynching.

Think of it as a town's volunteer fire department — but more like a volunteer law and order department. A bit like those volunteers patroling along the Mexican border.

A licensed lyncher was about a step down from a justice of the peace. Not a lot of legal training but good common sense. Generally, licensed lynchers saved Texas taxpayers a lot of expense, what with no trial or jail time requiring food and other amenities.

Although lynching has got a bad name now, at one time it was seen as democracy in action. After all, the Constitution of the United States of America gives us the right to bear arms. And isn't rope just another type of armament with which to protect ourselves from those who terrorize us? I'll bet those liberals want Americans to register their rope as well.

Roscoe left behind his diary when he died and it listed all his lynchings — 82 in all. It doesn't match Governor George Bush's execution record in Texas but still, the number is mighty impressive. You can bet most of those lynchees deserved it.

Now for the ugly family secret.

When Roscoe died, his death was reported as a hunting accident.

In fact, he died in a lynching accident. Being a humane lyncher, he was testing the hood to make sure that the Negro he was about to lynch would be able to breathe well. When the mob showed up, it assumed the guilty man was already in the hood and hanged Roscoe.

The actual Negro who was likely guilty of something never said a word.

Naturally, I do not blame all black people for the inaction of that one man.

Monday, June 13, 2005

President Bush calls to congratulate Michael Jackson

There were a lot high fives all around the White House this afternoon when word came that Michael Jackson was acquitted of all those bogus charges too grotesque to repeat among mixed company.

This past week, the Democrat's Loser-in-Chief, Howard Dean suggested that the Republican Party is the party of white Christians.

In fact, the GOP is proud to encompass black Christians as well. At least, Michael Jackson was black before he converted to whiteness.

Michael Jackson has always represented the best aspects of the Republican Party. He's wealthy. He has excellent family values. And unlike that Democrat, Martha Stewart, Mr. Jackson has never been convicted of a felony — the true separation line between Democrats and Republicans.

Our prisons are filled with young, black males — all would-be Democrats if given the opportunity to vote (which they're not!)

Michael Jackson does not belong in a prison for following the teachings of Jesus Christ to love others as you love yourself.

Anyway, just like on Superbowl Sunday, President Bush called the winning team to offer his congratulations. The call was made on speakerphone and piped throughout the White House so everyone could hear the excitement in Mr. Jackson's voice as he took a call from the President of the United States.

Mr. Jackson said he was "absolutely thrilled" to be acquitted and suggested that President Bush have Ken Lay's trial moved to California. We all laughed at that one.

Mr. Jackson invited President Bush to stay at the Neverland Ranch. President Bush could have his own bed if he wanted. More laughs.

Then President Bush suggested making Mr. Jackson a Cabinet Secretary in charge of child welfare.

As President Bush pointed out, Michael Jackson is the one person in America who we can be absolutely sure of is not a pedophile. He's got the acquittal papers to prove it.

Monday, June 06, 2005

President Bush delivers a commencement address in Waco

I feel sooooooo honored. This weekend, President George W. Bush delivered the commencement address for the graduating class at the DeVry Evangelical Institute in Waco, Texas — my alma mater. President Bush received an honorary degree — Doctor of Divine Sciences — and then made the following eloquent speech.

"Faculty, students, parents and Christians. I am honored to receive this fine degree from such a respected Christian institution of higher learning. Frankly, I received a degree from Bob Jones University a while back and I gave it to my dog Barney when he passed obediance school. But this degree from DeVry Evangelical, I intend to cherish.

"As Christians, we know what it's like to feel victimized. As God's chosen people, there are always others in more populated but less beloved religions taking potshots at us. Just remember what Jesus told us. When attacked, turn the other cheek. When you do that, you can see who's coming from the other direction and get ready to shoot him. Jesus was full of very practical military advice.

"Now, boys being boys, I reckon a number of you girls got yourself into a family way while studying here. Certainly, I'm not one to pass judgment on others, but if you got yourselves an abortion, you've bought yourself a one-way ticket on United Airlines to Hell.

"Now I realize that my lovely wife Laura and my delightful daughters Barb and Jenna and even my mom and dad think I'm an idiot for holding such an opinion. But I'm a president who stands by principle. I believe in the Culture of Life. I believe God made it easy to have babies so countries like America would always have a large pool of young men and women able to join the Armed Forces when recruitment levels drop drastically.

"Speaking of recruitment, as young men and women graduating with divinity degrees, I hope you consider a career in the Armed Forces doing God's work in non-Christian countries. For instance, many Muslim countries welcome Christian missionaries.

"As graduates of the DeVry Evangelical Institute, you are entering the world well prepared to deal with all aspects of life. You've learned that history that was written two thousand years ago hasn't changed an iota. You've learned that the Word of God as set down in the Bible cannot be challenged. You've learned that modern-day biology and physics are worthless sciences and all you need is faith in the Lord to thrive. You've learned to have tolerance of other Christians, whether they're Baptists or Methodists or even Anglicans, now that Britain is such a close friend. You've learned that some Democrats can be good people though simply misguided.

"You're entering the world to make a grand contribution. You won't invent or discover anything. You won't actually cure anybody. But you'll work hard to return America to the way it was in the 18th century. You'll ensure all Americans enjoy freedom as defined by us.

"Scientists will have the freedom to research anything they want — as long as it doesn't contradict the teachings of the Bible.

"Professors will have the freedom to teach what they like as long as it falls within the Patriot Act.

"Doctors will have the freedom to perform all medically required procedures provided those procedures don't offend our Christian sensibilities.

"All Americans can worship as they please although federal funding will be aimed at American-oriented religions.

"And, of course, there's our sacred freedom under the Constitution to carry a concealed weapon. I always carry a Colt.

"In choosing to a attend a divinity school, you made the right choice. Prayer will be more important for Americans than ever.

"Pray that Social Security doesn't go bankrupt before you're old because frankly, I haven't a clue how to fix it.

"Pray that you never have to go to a hospital because honestly, you can't afford it.

"Pray that we're out of Iraq by 2008 because otherwise, Jeb may have a hard time beating those unpatriotic Democrats.

"Pray that the world never figures out that it's been subsidizing America for generations with cheap gas and cheap labor.

"You DeVry Evangelical graduates are the future of America. Just remember, there's nothing wrong with small minds as long as those minds are thinking the right things.

"Thank you."

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Do you know what Deep Throat is?

At the DeVry Evangelical Institute where I got my Registered Divinity Assistant degree, we'd heard about a Judas, a Benedict Arnold, a Newt Gingrich who personally set out to topple the democratically elected government of Richard Nixon.

For some reason, he was called "Deep Throat". I thought the name was kind of funny but never gave it much mind.

Today, Trisha, my co-intern, told me the origins of Deep Throat.

Did you know it was a movie in which a woman named Linda Lovelace did unspeakable things with men's things?

It's no wonder that pornography is running rampant in America if a so-called "American hero" named himself after the dirtiest sex act anyone can think of.

American heroes are people who say things like "Give me liberty or give me death", "I regret I have but one life to give to my country", and "Mission accomplished".

Not, "My, that's a big one."

I'm not saying that Mr. Mark Felt alone is responsible for the scourge of pornography that weighs so heavy on America's shoulders. But he did make it acceptable for Democrats to say Deep Throat out loud in mixed company without receiving scorn.

And that is unforgivable.

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