Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Introducing...The Vegetative Patients' Bill of Rights

Wow. I just met the Reverend Senator Doctor Bill Frist. When I shook his hand, I felt I was touching a holy man.

The Reverend Senator was over here at the White House to meet up with Karl Rove to discuss the prevention of vegetative patients every dying again. Basically, Republicans would like to turn America into a Garden of Eden for vegetables...sorry, vegetative patients.

After Terry Schiavo's life was senselessly taken from her in the prime of her life, the Bush administration saw an opportunity to fight for what Republicans have always believed in: that no Christian should ever have to die under any circumstances (unless he's a criminal or doesn't have sufficient medical insurance).

With the Reverend Senator Frist leading the charge in the Senate, the Bush administration will propose The Vegetative Patients' Bill of Rights. Under this Republican-inspired legislation, the brain will no longer be considered that important. In determining life, the brain carries no more weight than any other organ such as the spleen or pancreas. The Bush administration believes it has the support of its fundamentalist Christian base when it comes to minimizing the value of thinking.

Under The Vegetative Patients' Bill of Rights, a vegetative patient will have the right to vote. However, due to the lack of dexterity, a patient may be deemed to have passed on his vote to a neutral surrogate such as a church or a specific organization such as the National Rifle Association, which can vote on his behalf.

Vegetative patients have the right to run for public office. Again, a lack of brain function should not be a determining factor in selecting America's representatives. Wasn't John Ashcroft beaten in his Senate race by a dead man? The Democrats set the precedent.

Vegetative patients will have the right to serve in such non-essential posts as Ambassador to the United Nations. In fact, being brain-dead will be seen as a positive factor in a prospect's selection.

The Reverend Sentator Frist will now be discussing the proposed legislation with his counterpart in the House, Leader Tom DeLay who is said to favor vegetative patients serving on the Ethics Committee.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

380% increase in terrorist attacks proves we're right to be in Iraq

Yesterday at the White House, the State Department delivered a report called Patterns of Global Terrorism. It seems that significant terrorist attacks in 2004 numbered 655. That's up from 172 attacks in 2003.

According to the report, most of the increase occurred in Iraq.

If all these terrorist attacks are occurring with 150,000 U.S. troops in that country, can you imagine how bad it would be if America had not invaded Iraq? We got there just in time's nick.

Without U.S. troops in Iraq, everyone and his mother would be launching terrorist attacks against the poor democratic people of Iraq. It's only U.S. presence that's keeping the numbers as low as they are.


After I read the report, I heard that Secretary of State Condi Rice asked that the statistics showing an increase in terrorist attacks be removed from the report before going public.

I guess Secretary Rice doesn't want it to seem that we're gloating over the fact that we're preventing so many terrorist attacks in Iraq.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Terrorism on the Delaware River

If you've been watching the news this past week, you've probably seen a story about a beluga whale getting lost and swimming up the Delaware River as far as Trenton, New Jersey.

While most Americans thought the little whale was cute, I can now tell you that the folks at Homeland Security were more than a little anxious.

In a report sent to Donald Rumsfeld that I read just before it was shredded, analysts at Homeland Security suggested that the beluga might have been trained by Al Qaeda to deliver a payload of nuclear or biological material to the American heartland. But more likely, a small Muslim suicide terrorist was sitting inside the whale's belly guiding the big fish. America could have been hit by its first carp bomb.

Because George Bush's administration is Bible-based, we know that a man inside a whale is entirely possible. I need say no more than Jonah. Analysts at Homeland Security have been thumbing through the Bible looking for other potential terrorist animals. Obviously, snakes come to mind. Can you imagine thousands of Al Qaeda-trained snakes, each carrying a stick of dynamite, heading toward major American cities?

To deal with the threat of animal suicide bombers, the Bush administration will be appointing a Special Director in charge of Alternative Intelligence.

A friend and classmate of Barney, President's Bush's cainine companion, J. Edgar Pooper is the ideal candidate to handle the new mandate of sniffing out potential attacks by non-human life-forms. J. Edgar is rabidly loyal to President Bush, a prime consideration in his selection.

Although the whale turned around and headed back toward the Atlantic without wreaking havoc on New Jersey, America has been warned. Marine life has been able to breach our nautical defenses.

But here at the Bush administration, we learn from our mistakes (although they are so rare we haven't learned much). Already, a color coding system is in place to warn of potential fish attacks. The highest alert level is salmon color. In fact, we will not be satisfied until every fish with the potential to terrorize America is turned into sushi.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Finally, a president who cares about the environment

Daddy's been cursing lately about the high cost of gas as he fills up his Navigator. With gas prices the highest they've ever been, I was starting to wonder if possibly, President Bush's policies might be having a detrimental effect on average Americans like Daddy.

I now feel ashamed that I would even think that President Bush wasn't completely in control of oil pricing. Until today, I just didn't understand that President Bush was adding more compassion to the environment.

Today, I was delivering a memo to Vice-President Cheney from the Republican public relations firm, Spin Doctors of America. It's the job of Spin Doctors to explain President Bush's complex policies to Americans in language that even liberals can understand. Here's a preview:

President Bush has long realized that auto emissions are getting into the air and polluting the environment.

Cheap gas makes drivers — especially foreign drivers like the French — wasteful by driving too much.

Therefore, by increasing the cost of gas, drivers worldwide will reduce their driving and help save the environment.

America invaded Iraq for the sole purpose of destabilizing oil prices and therefore, rescuing the environment.

America continues to build monster SUVs in order to consume gas faster, thus driving up the price for all drivers and therefore reducing the demand for gas and saving the environment.

Under President Bush, Americans can expect to see gas prices reach $5.00 a gallon, which will motivate car makers to develop new hybrid technologies such as half gas/half gerbil powered cars.

The Environmental Protection Agency will be dismantled saving American taxpayers millions of dollars. The money can then be used as incentives for coal and steel companies to voluntarily clean up their emissions.

Parkland in Alaska will be used for oil fields. By cutting national parks and minimizing the driving of park rangers, auto emissions will be reduced in sensitive areas.

Gas Bar
After reading the memo, I realized that higher gas prices are really a small price to pay to make America the world leader in unpollutedness.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

I attend my first Jewish ceremony

Last weekend had a lot of significance for me. First the Pope died. Although I'm not a Catholic (for sure), I was still saddened. After all, he and President Ronald Reagan worked hand in hand to bring down Communism in Eastern Europe, sort of like Batman and Robin (President Reagan was Batman).

Then I attended my first Bark Mitzvah. Muffy Wolfowitz, one of my co-interns, invited the White House staff over to Georgetown (I'm so pleased that President Bush has been recognized in his own time) to celebrate the 13th birthday of her dog, Kissinger, with God.

Back home in Waco, when someone turns thirteen, you generally buy him a rifle and hope he doesn't turn it against his classmates. But among Jewish people, 13 signifies something special, which I don't really know what but I know it's not unlucky.

For the occasion, Kissinger wore a "yarumklup" or something on his head like the defunct Pope wears and a little "tell us", which is a prayer shawl. I understand that if he were a little boy, he would have read from the Jewish Bible which is a lot like the American Bible except it leaves out all the parts about Jesus being the son of God and the Jews killing him.

Anyway, for the ceremony, a Rabbi in a purple suit sang over Kissinger for a while and then gave him a Milkbone. Then there was a big party with lots of food I didn't recognize. The Rabbi later went around telling anyone who would listen that he wasn't wearing any underwear.

I'd never realized until last weekend how religious Muffy must be, giving her dog such a lovely opportunity to enjoy the blessing of God.

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Friday, April 01, 2005

The nastiness of the Left

One of my assignments for the President's Chief of Staff, Mr. Card, has been to review left-wing blogs. I just finished and I feel I need a long shower. The things these liberals say are truly hurtful and putrid. For instance...

"If George Bush had been governor of Israel 2,000 years ago, based on his record as governor of Texas, it's 100% probable that Bush would have allowed Christ to be executed since he never once got in the way of a good execution." This comment is totally unfair. The folks found guilty in Texas were not the son of God. Had any of them been the son of God, you can be sure Governor Bush would have reviewed the case closely.

"George Bush has killed over a hundred thousand Iraqis based on absolutely nothing." This is factually incorrect. President Bush had very good intelligence about weapons of mass destruction. The intelligence turned out to be inaccurate but it was still very, very good. Since the intelligence didn't work for Iraq, the CIA is now trying to adapt it for Iran, that's how good it is.

Anyway, you get the gist of what those lefties are saying. If it wasn't for the certainty in my heart that they will all burn in hell for eternity, I don't think I could go on.

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