Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Al Qaeda plans to ruin Thanksgiving...and what we plan to do about it

Perhaps you've already heard.

Ducks in Canada that will soon be migrating (illegally) to the United States are infected with Avian Flu.

The Department of Homeland Security believes that as part of Al Qaeda's bio-terrorism, the terrorist organization is infecting Canadian birds with the flu that will likely lead to a pandemic. (This is all part of a Homeland Security report just delivered to the desk of Vice President Cheney by me.)

The idea behind the Al Qaeda operation is for the infected Canadian ducks to infect patriotic American turkeys, ready for the Thanksgiving slaughter. After Thanksgiving, millions of Americans will come down with the flu and be too weakened to fight terrorism.

Homeland Security is recommending that the United States begin an Anti-Avian Ballistic Missile program. The AABM program will be designed to shoot down any birds flying across our northern border. It is expected that development of the program may take as many as 10 years and cost about $250 billion.

However, Americans will once again feel safe eating their Thanksgiving turkeys.

In the meantime, the administration is considering recalling our troops from Iraq to defend our northern border against Al Qaeda-infected Canadian birds.

Although the Bush administration would hate to leave Iraq without total freedom and democracy in place, defending American turkeys from Avian Flu is now our #1 priority.

(This Thanksgiving, I'm saying thanks to the Lord by eating lamb chops.)

Monday, November 21, 2005

Why Thanksgiving is Dick Cheney's favorite holiday

The other day, a bunch of us interns were hanging around the interns' lounge when Vice President Dick Cheney was walking past. So the VP stuck his head in and said, "What's up, kids?"

Pat said, "We're just gabbing about Thanksgiving. We do get the day off, right?" Everyone laughed including the Vice President who then stepped into the lounge.

"Yeah, we all get the day off," the VP said. "I don't supposed I've ever told you that Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday."

"Why's that?" I piped up impressed that the Vice President chose the one holiday devoted to thanking the Lord for his many blessings.

"Well, it goes back to when I was 12 years old," the VP said. "My dad gave me my first ax and said to go pick out a turkey in the farmyard and get it ready for dinner, if you know what I mean.

"What an honor my dad had bestowed on me. I was only 12 f--king years old and I was already responsible for killing the family's godd--n Thanksgiving bird." I think the Vice President's eyes were starting to get misty.

"Naturally, it was such a precious occasion that I wanted to stretch it out as much as possible. So I grabbed the ax and headed for the turkey pen. I looked at all those little mother f--kers and said, 'Which one of you little f--ks wants to die today.' I just loved the look of panic in their eyes when I showed them my new ax.

"I settled on a bird that we called Omar. I dragged him out the pen as he screamed in terror." The VP dabbed his eyes with his tie. "I could have just taken him to the chopping block and lopped off his head. But what fun would that have been? I wouldn't have been giving God his due.

"So I decided to nail his wings to a tree branch, kind of like an avian crucifix. Then I put a bag over his head figuring the darkness might scare him a bit more." The Vice President was looking off into the distance as though he were staring at Paradise.

"Then as he shrieked, I stuck a stick up the little bugger's rectum. That plump little bird was moving like a camel in a blender."

At this point, two of my co-interns ran out of the lounge holding their hands to their mouths. At least one of them didn't make it to the restroom in time.

Then the Vice President said, "Well, I guess I better get back to work. Can't spend all day reminiscing about my childhood."

I always enjoy stories about rural America. I guess times were simpler when Vice President Cheney was a youngster.

Vice President Dick Cheney is seen getting ready to
prepare the turkey for the Official White House
Thanksgiving Day dinner.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Can NASCAR fans be true Christians?

As a true Christian, I worship only one God, one president and one sport — NASCAR.

NASCAR is to American Christianity what a public beheading is to Saudis — an event that brings families together.

Back home in Waco at the DeVry Evangelical Institute where I got my degree as a Registered Divinity Assistant, there's been some debate lately as to whether Christians attending NASCAR events are breaking the Law of God as set out in the Ten Commandments.

As far as I'm concerned, the Ten Commandments are the final word of God. When He said, "Thou shalt not kill," God really meant it except for cases like someone breaking into your home or as collateral damage when America needs to free a country like Iraq.

You'll probably remember in Exodus 20 the Commandment that says: "Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy." Now a lot of folks such as really over-the-top religious people, especially those bearded Jewish folk with the strings hanging out their pants, believe this Commandment means absolutely no work on the sabbath — just prayer and rest.

But from what I know of God, there are no absolutes. Like He says, "Don't kill" and then He gives you a whole list of people you can kill like wives who mess around or slaves who run away. So God is pretty flexible.

As most American Christians know, NASCAR is God's chosen sport. Before every race, Christ is asked to bless the drivers. (For some reason, a few years back, God needed Dale Earnhardt in Heaven pronto. Maybe God has His own racing team and needed the best driver to race against Satan's team, which I believe is filled with Formula 1 drivers.)

Since almost all major NASCAR races take place on Sunday, there's been talk among some Fundamentalists that you can't be a real Christian and attend a race on the sabbath. They say it's against the Ten Commandments, as though all the Commandments should have equal weight.

But I say, the folks attending the race aren't working. They're just resting and praying that their chosen driver wins. The drivers aren't really working. Those good ole boys are just having fun. The pit crews are working, but only for about 12 seconds every hour, so that doesn't really count.

Although God knows all and all that will happen in the future, I think it was just too difficult to describe to Moses that in another 2, 500 years, the sabbath Commandment would have to take into account NASCAR.

Like the American Constitution that adds amendments as the times change, the Ten Commandments could probably use an amendment or two to keep up with God's ever-changing Creation. Christians...start your engines.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

I attend the White House ethics class

I tried to tell the White House lawyers that I'm a graduate of the DeVry Evangelical Institute in Waco, Texas with a degree as a Registered Divinity Assistant, so I didn't really need any training in ethics. I have the Lord guiding me.

white house 1
But the rule is that everyone who works in the Executive Branch —3,000 of us—have to attend ethics training due to the recent slip-up of Mr. Libby who accidently leaked confidential information about a CIA agent that could get her killed.

The White House counsel started the class with a talk that I found kind of boring. There were a lot of "don'ts". Don't do that, don't do this. After his talk, he opened up the class for questions. Vice President Cheney had one.

"Let me get this straight," said the Vice President. "If I do something that helps out a major corporation and that major corporation wants to shows its gratitude with a gift of some kind — a little token of appreciation — I'm not supposed to accept it."

"That's correct," the WH counsel said.

"What kind of f--king Pollyanna state are we running here," said the Vice President. "Gifts don't influence the way government is operated. If Halliburton is selected for a multi-billion dollar project without bids, it's because I know they are the best f--king people for the job and not because of a few measly million dollars."

"I realize that money would not influence you Sir but accepting a few million dollars from Halliburton gives the appearance of corruption," said the lawyer. "And we in the Bush administration do not wish to appear corrupt."

"What if the funds are held in trust until I leave office?" asked the Vice President.

"Well, in this case, you do not appear corrupt, so the answer is okay." The Vice President sat down with a big smile on his face.

"I've got a question," piped up Karl Rove. "Suppose I have some dirt on a Democratic opponent although I don't really have any evidence to back it up. Would it be wrong to expose the dirt during a campaign, even though there's a good possibility that it may not be true?"

"Mr. Rove," said the lawyer. "We're dealing today with ethics that involve an elected government. I do not believe there are any ethics in getting a government elected."

Mr. Rove sat down with a big smile.

There was a question from the back. I turned my head to see that Scooter Libby was in the class and ready to ask a question.

Mr Libby said, "Would it be considered unethical for President Bush to provide an indicted defendant with a presidential pardon prior to a trial that might reveal embarrassing information and names, on the grounds of national security?"

"Heavens no," said the lawyer.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

President Bush has a great idea for France

President Bush is really on his game today. First thing this morning, he wrote a memo for his cabinet secretaries. As I was photocopying it, I was so impressed I kept a copy for myself.


From: George W. Bush, President of the United Stats (sic)
Re: An Idea regarding the Franch (sic)

As you've all seen on the TV, young Muslims are rioting all over France. Why? They don't have jobs.

As you might recall, France did not join us in our efforts in Iraq to bring fredom (sic) and democracy to Iraqis. Why? They probably didn't have the troops to spare since the Franch (sic) army is tied up guarding their Muslims at home.

So here's what I'm thinking.

We suggest to the Franch (sic) prime minister or president or whoever that the government offer every Muslim young man a government job. They could call it the Muslim Foreign Legion. After a couple weeks of training, the Franch (sic) could send the Legion off to fight in Iraq as allies of America.

It's a win-win-win situation. The Franch (sic) get rid of a lot of their rabble. The rabble get to do Allah's work in Iraq. At the same time, the Franch (sic) finally join the world community in helping the Iraqi people.

Anybody see any downside?

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Dick Cheney, Karl Rove and Prince Charles get into a brawl

Last night was pretty embarrassing at the White House.

President Bush was throwing a state dinner for Prince Charles and his new slut bride, Camilla.

From what I heard from Becky, a communications assistant in the West Wing, Vice President Cheney went to the men's room sometime during dinner. Karl Rove was already there doing his business. So they got into a conversation that went something like this:

CHENEY: Did you get a load of that hound that Prince Flapears brought to dinner?

ROVE: I hope he doesn't ask for a doggie bag after dinner. It's too obvious who it would be for.

CHENEY: Lynn told me she's seen Camilla's dress at Sears on sale for $39.

ROVE: I didn't realize it was a dress. I just assumed she was late for dinner so she came in her nightgown.

CHENEY: Remember when Prince Chuck said he wished he were a tampon so he could live inside Camilla?

ROVE: Please Dick. I still have more dinner to eat. So what do you think the Prince does all day besides gladhanding and kissing babies' bottoms?

CHENEY: I suppose he puts on a crown and walks around the house saying "I want to be King! I want Mumsy to die so I can be King!"

At that point, according to Becky, there was a flush from the stall. Then a voice screamed: "You bloody rotters!" Then the door was torn open and Prince Charles charged out at Mr. Rove and Vice President Cheney as they were still standing at their respective urinals.

Becky didn't have many details other than the Secret Service broke up the fight and an emergency squad was sent out to get three fresh suits.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

President Bush starts his own BLOG!

I can't believe it but I have inspired the President of the United States, George W. Bush, to begin blogging.


He's very excited about the prospect. He's already bought a pocket dictionary.

The site is called "Ask George Bush" and the President will answer questions from the public about just about anything.

I asked the President "Where will you get the time to blog?" and he said he was willing to use his free time from 6 o'clock on every weeknight and weekends to answer questions.

The President also said that since Vice President Dick Cheney seems to have fewer duties recently, he'd ask the Vice President to help out.

I hope you all support the President's new interest.

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