Monday, February 28, 2005

Celebrating Black History Month at the White House

Today's the end of February. I am told that Black History Month is one of President Bush's favorite festivities. This year, the White House commemorated many great moments in the history of black. Among the highlights:

Henry Ford was remembered for his "You can have a car in any color as long as it's black."

Karl Rove had a day dedicated to Black Sabbath.

President Bush got misty-eyed on the day that commemorated the production of the one millionth bottle of Johnny Walker Black.

The White House had a Black film festival featuring "Black Hawk Down", "Black Stallion" and "Men in Black II".

Several days were devoted to black and white TV. (No episodes of "The Honeymooners" or "Superman" were permitted due to their overt gayness.)

Black Country Music was celebrated with tributes to Clint Black and Johnny Cash (Man in Black).

One night, dinner was various dishes featuring black beans.

Power Tool Awareness Week was celebrated with a huge display of Black & Decker products in the House of Representatives.

To remember past hardships, there was a minute of silence in remembrance of the Black Death.

South Dakota had its own day at the White House with a tribute to the Black Hills.

And finally, there was a very special tribute to the people in the Bush administration whose personal histories carry the black heritage: Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld.

It was the best Black History Month that I can remember.

Conrad Black
Conrad Black visited the White House
as he prepares to become the next pope.

Friday, February 25, 2005

Gay Alert!

Personally, I've got nothing against sodomites other than the fact that they desecrate the good name of the Lord. However, it seems like Satan is at work on earth promoting gaydom more than ever. And you may not even be aware of it.

A recent bulletin from the Christian Focus on Families has pointed out that "homosexual trends in television programming has been around as long as Jews have controlled the media." Here are just a couple of examples that never occurred to me until the good folks at Focus on Families pointed them out.

"The Honeymooners" ought to have a float in the Gay Pride Parade. Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton spend every episode trying to get away from their wives, trying to be with each other and their other men friends. The Raccoon Lodge was undoubtedly a subtle code name for steam bath. Both the Kramdens and the Nortons were childless couples indicating homosexual husbands who could not procreate with their wives.

"The Lone Ranger" was a typical 1950s program aimed at converting healthy young American boys into homosexuals by promoting the concept that two men - The Lone Ranger and Tonto - could enjoy an adventurous outdoor relationship without women. Add in the tight pants and mask and the show suggested to Boy Scouts that they could grow into men without Girl Guides.

Why did the fellow who played Superman in the 1950s show commit suicide? It's because he was forced to play a gay superhero. Every time Clark Kent came out of the closet, he was Superman. As you might remember, Lois Lane, a very attractive young woman practically threw herself at Superman. Yet, unlike a normal man, he resisted, probably saving himself for Jimmy Olsen.

Other gay shows: "Petticoat Junction" - a lesbian fantasia; "Car 54 Where are You?" - gay policemen cruising; and "Captain Kangaroo" - with Mr. Greenjeans, enough said.

The Focus on Families bulletin also included a very sad note about President's Bush's father.
Bill:George Sr.
It seems that George H.W. Bush and former President Clinton have been traveling around together a lot lately, off to tropical islands and beaches in Thailand. There have been numerous photographs of Bush Sr. and Clinton "touching". One suspects that since his heart operation, the slimy Clinton can no longer have relations with women. Which leaves him the gay option. But why did he have to choose the President's father?

On a happier note, we received a short letter from my retarded brother Rick Bob who is being detained under the Patriot Act. Although the part of the letter that said were he was being detained was blacked out, as was the part about how he was being treated, we did learn that the folks around him were teaching him how to speak Arab. I'm so proud that he's getting an education while he's away.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

The best golfing president in the world

When it comes to golf, everyone remembers what kind of cheat Bill Clinton was. He'd be taking mulligans on top of mulligans. He'd shoot 80 and the grooves on his new clubs would be worn out.

President Bush on the other hand would never stoop to cheating. As president, he simply had one of the rules of golf amended and the Republican National Committee built a lovely golf course near Crawford where President Bush regularly scores under par.


Puttin' Putin in his place...and it ain't the Ritz

When Russia's Vladimir Putin came to Crawford, President Bush thought he was dealing with a soul-mate. President Bush looked into Putin's eyes and thought he saw a fellow democrat. Turns out, Putin was wearing fascist-covering contacts.

Since the meeting at the Crawford Ranch, here's what that Putin fellow has been up to...

1. He has interfered in the election of another sovereign country.
2. He has sent troops into a Muslim country.
3. He's selling arms to Iran not having learned from America's experience of selling arms to Iraq.
4. He's personally involved in the oil business, which means conflict of interest.
5. He's trying to control the media.
6. He's using secret police tactics without even a Patriot Act on the books.

President Bush is going to make sure Putin doesn't get too uppity. It's time that Putin understood what freedom means. It means doing things the American way.

Spreading democracy one kiss at a time.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

President Bush has dinner with the leader of the cheese-eating surrender monkeys

Has there ever been anyone as magnanimous in victory as President George W. Bush?

When George Bush in his third year in office realized that Iraq under Saddam Hussein was not a democratic country, he said to the World, "We have to go into Iraq and liberate all those poor people who do not have the opportunity to vote."

But the part of the world that included France, Germany and Canada told America they didn't care about democracy for Muslims. Only America cared with a little help from the Coalition of the Willing.

Only America wanted to see Muslims with inky fingers. (Muslims in America with inky fingers generally indicates they're suspected terrorists who've been fingerprinted.) It didn't matter the cost in lives or money. President Bush took it upon himself to ensure the Iraqi people got a taste of freedom and an opportunity to vote (although they may not have known exactly who they might be voting for since there were no names on the Iraqi ballot).

Now that America has been proven right once again, George Bush has gone over to Europe to offer those cheese-eating, never-seen-a-bar-of-soap surrender monkeys an opportunity to get on board the Victory Express. Last night, President Bush offered his hand to Jack Chirack, king of France and told him that now that all the hard slogging is over, now that Iraq is a democracy, now that people are dancing in the streets of Baghdad, France can be our friend again. America is ready to eat French fries once more.

You'd think with all the generosity America is showing, the French might be a bit grateful; that they might take it upon themselves to share a little of the burden of policing the world's newest democracy to make sure the Iraqis don't decide to hook up with the Iranians. But those Frenchies simply don't understand gratitude.

They don't remember us saving their butts in two World Wars. They don't remember us taking Vietnam off their hands. They don't remember Benjamin Franklin bringing democracy to France when the country was revolting. How President Bush can sit there and shake their hands and smile at them...well that's what makes him the great statesman that he is. I couldn't do it even though Jesus said to turn the other cheek.

As you might remember, Rick Bob, my sadly retarded brother has been detained under the Patriot Act for dumbly bringing up the American Constitution while being questioned by the FBI. Although we still don't know where he's being held, we think he might be having a lot of fun.
Abu Ghraib
Another picture appeared on the Web showing Rick Bob in the middle of a cheerleading pyramid.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Thank you President Bush for doing drugs on my behalf

A lot of liberals are going to be having fun at the President's expense because some cowardly "friend" happened to tape record George W. Bush off the record admitting to smoking marijuana. But like Jesus Christ dying for us, I believe George Bush smoked for us. I believe it was the hand of God that lit his doobies, just as it was God who first made him a drunkard. I believe God had President Bush arrested three times. I even believe God's hand was at the wheel of the car as Laura Bush plowed into a schoolmate. (God may have kept George W. Bush out of Vietnam too.)

Only by being a despicable youth, trying all the temptations that Satan can throw at a person, could George W. Bush know what he's talking about when he tells everyone else how to live their lives. (I also believe he's a strong opponent of abortion through experience with the procedure. Those Mexican gals are awfully susceptible to good-looking Texans and I know for a fact that President Bush isn't one to be using family planning devices.)

So once again, I thank you President Bush for living a life of debauchery so others won't have to.

By the way, you might remember that I mentioned how my brother with the retardation problem, Rick Bob, was arrested under the Patriot Act. (Advice: The FBI knows what the Bill of Rights is, so there's no need to bring it up when they question you.) Although we don't know where he's being detained, there was a picture of him on the Web this morning. He was wearing a nice orange suit and in the background, there were lots of palm trees, like he's on some Caribbean island. Maybe it's Guam because you can see a sign with the word cut off that says "Gua..." Anyway, it looks like the government is looking after him nicely.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

There's something fishy about the Patriot Act

Don't get me wrong. I was the first person to stand up and cheer when President Bush introduced America to the Patriot Act. After all, I expected our government to round up a bunch of swarthy looking people — and I don't mean Mexicans — and keep them safely locked up in cages ensuring America remains secure.

Trouble is the government seems to be having problems recognizing the enemy. Last week, the Secret Service swarmed into the intern's lounge at the White House and grabbed me up like I was Mrs. Osama Arafat, or something. They claim my little diary is anti-American. That's unbelievable. I love President Bush and Vice-president Cheney and all the others who have made America one of the most respected countries in North America.

The Secret Service seem to think I'm giving away state secrets by pointing out how the Republican Party had good hard evidence that John Kerry and Osama Bin Laden were in cahoots, having dinner at a Denny's. (See "I'm working for Karl Rove") I saw the picture in Karl Rove's office. I know the truth. I just thought average American's like you ought to now the truth too. It seems that by sharing the truth, I may be guilty of something under the Patriot Act. It turns out that under the Patriot Act, they don't have to tell me what I'm guilty of.

Because of this diary, the FBI started searching into my personal life. Fortunately I don't have one. Being a good Christian Republican and all, I've never had pre-marital sex or done anything else I'm ashamced of. The FBI checked to see what books I've checked out of the library in Waco. Every single book has God in the title.

What vexed me is the FBI questioned my sweet but terminally retarded brother, Rick Bob. Because of the state of his mind, he asked some dumb questions of the FBI such as: Don't Americans have specific rights under the Constitution? Doesn't the Patriot Act go against the Bill of Rights? Needless to say, the FBI felt justified in arresting Rick Bob for obstruction of justice. Daddy would like to bail him out of jail but the authorities won't say where he's being held.

I certainly hope I don't lose my job as a White House intern because of this Patriot Act misunderstanding.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

The Secret Service has ordered me to post this

All that stuff I wrote about Karl Rove. None of it is true. He really did not have pictures of John Kerry and Osama Bin Laden eating dinner at Denny's. And that stuff about talking notes for Coulter and Hannity. I must have been mistaken. The White House has never told journalists what to say. And no one who works at the White House has ever procured a young woman for Bill O'Reilly. I swear.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

How The Bible can fix the deficit

I was just reading how the United States may have a budget problem considering the deficit is over $400 billion. I think I have a solution, which I've been trying to get to President Bush. So far, I've had trouble being taken seriously since I'm only an intern. But maybe I can get some buzz going from this diary.

It seems to me there's a lot of waste in our education system. For instance, we spend a lot of money to teach biology, anthropology and paleontology. However, we in the Bush administration recognize that the creation of the universe as described in the Holy Bible is less than 12,000 years old. So why waste time and money studying about things that some "professors" say took place millions of years ago, but couldn't have.

Dinosaurs? There's no real proof of them ever existing except some old bones. If they really existed, they'd have been mentioned in the Bible and would have sailed with Noah. Carbon dating? That's just two pieces of coal going out to dinner, as Daddy likes to say. And the Ice Age was probably a thousand years ago, not a hundred thousand. I know I would have been cold without central heating.

And lets dump that stupid Hubble Telescope that claims to bring in images that are millions of lightyears away. It just can't be. You can't have a million lightyears in a God-given universe that's only 12,000 years old.

Another savings would be medical school. Don't bother teaching doctors how to do abortions. If they don't know how to do them, they'll finally stop. That's just good common sense.

Rick Bob, my sadly retarded brother, likes to ask real dumb questions. He asks, if God created the universe, who created God? God did, of course. There's no reason He couldn't create Himself. And if He chooses, God will free America of its deficit.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

President Bush on Groundhog Day

Yesterday was Groundhog Day but it was President George Walker Bush who came out and saw his shadow (metaphorically speaking). I was truly impressed with his State of the Union, which managed to be both enervating and vapid for the entire nation. (I think I got those words right.)

Since I don't earn any money and therefore do not pay any taxes, all the Social Security stuff didn't interest me much. However, I do hope that those newly democratized Iraqies get personal accounts with their Social Security plans. Well, maybe they ought to get electricity first.

I'm glad that the President emphasized a constitutional amendment for maintaining the traditional definition of marriage as being a union of a man and a woman or in the case of Arkansas, a man and his sow. (Just kidding) What worries me is those gay people can be awfully clever. What if one of those same-sex couples goes to get married and one claims to be a man and the other claims to be a woman. I think we're going to need a constitutional amendment defining who's a man and who's a woman.

I'm glad the war on terrorism is going so well. Who knew besides President Bush before we invaded Iraq that half of that nation was made up of terrorists? If we hadn't invaded Iraq, those Iraqi terrorists could have come over to America pretending to be visiting DisneyWorld and started blowing up rides and innocent American families. (Although we gave those Iraqis democracy, I sure hope we're not going to give them visas.)

You know who else I was proud of this week? Vice-President Dick Cheney. He went to Auschwitz, which is somewhere in Europe. I read about Auschwitz. It was a dangerous place. Lots of folks died there. Yet, without regard for his own personal safety, Dick Cheney went there too. Bravo! I'll bet that after every one of his five deferments during the Viet Nam War, Mr. Cheney's heart was broken from not being on the front lines. Maybe that's why he's got heart troubles now.

Rick Bob and I got to talking about the Iraqi election the other day. You might remember that I love my little brother despite the fact that God did smite him with retardation. I was mentioning the fact that it was wonderful watching those Iraqi folks leave the voting places and go dance in the street. Rick Bob, the poor simpleton, said that he remembered when the same folks danced in the street after the Twin Towers came down. I explained that Iraqis just naturally like to dance.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Do we really want Canada in North America?

Those Godless Canadians in Canada have gone and done it. They are actually making it law to let people of the same sex get married. Yuck! What next? Polygamy? There's no place in the Bible for things like polygamy. And certainly, men cavorting with men is not what Jesus would do.

Fortunately, President Bush made it a leading campaign plank to get a constitutional amendment to prevent gay people from getting married in America. Funny how he doesn't seem to mention it anymore, now that's he's re-elected.

President Bush also promised to end abortion in America. Although now that I come to think about it, he doesn't seem to mention it much, now that he's re-elected.

I guess bringing freedom and liberty to the rest of the world sidetracks him from pushing for better American rights to clamp down on our own Godless gays and whoring women who can't wait to get pregnant, just so they can have an abortion.

Did you know that in Canada, people do not have the constitutional right to bear arms? Can you imagine driving a pickup truck without a shotgun in the rack? Here's some more stuff I learned about our "neighbor" to the north. They look and talk a lot like us so you can't always tell when they're trying in infiltrate. For instance, Peter Jennings, the news anchor, is a Canadian. Can't trust a word he says. Alex Trebek is Canadian. I'm pretty sure Jeopardy is fixed. Who won the two and a half million dollars? Ken JENNINGS. Coincidence? I don't think so. Those Canadians are a wily bunch. Sure Ken Jennings claims he's a Mormon. We're supposed to think he's a good Christian in favor of polygamy. In fact, he's probably a Canadian and a supporter of gay marriage.

Rick Bob, my clinically retarded brother, was wondering how gay marriage was going to ruin marriage for people who respect family values? It's pretty simple. Take someone like Brittany Spears who's a role model for a lot of young people. Suppose she were a lesbian. Can you imagine what two gay marriages in a year would do to the fabric of respect for the institution of American marriage? Enough said.


After I posted the above, a librarian from "Ottawa" (sounds like a made-up name to me) wrote to say there are even more Canadians in America than I thought. I just hope the FBI is keeping an eye on them and making sure they aren't taking any flying lessons. I have no idea why so many Canadians are coming across the border. We must have enough lettuce pickers by now.

<%radio.macros.staticSiteStatsImage ()%>