Sunday, October 02, 2005

Aborting black babies—a concept whose time has not come yet

In Ronald Reagan's administration, William Bennett was Secretary of Education, so we know he's smart. In the George Bush the First (#41) administration, Mr. Bennett was Drug Czar, so we know he's aware of the effects of drugs. Mr. Bennett has written extensively about morality based on his own experiences as a degenerate gambler. Like the President who was once a degenerate alcoholic and drug-abuser, Mr. Bennett has reformed.

Nowadays, William Bennett, also called Uncle Willie by the current President, is a Republican whose opinions on Fox News are regarded as gospel.

This past week, Mr. Bennett said the crime rate in the United States would go down "if all black babies were aborted."

This week, the White House will issue a clarification. Here's a rough first draft I found by the shredding machine.

From the Office of the President of the United States:

In regards to the recent statement of William Bennett, an independent individual with no association to President George W. Bush, to anyone in his administration including Condoleezza Rice (who has never had an abortion, and may never have had sex with a man), or to anyone at the Republican National Headquarters, we wish to set this matter of "aborting black babies to reduce the crime rate" straight.

As Republicans, this administration is firmly against all abortion. If black babies, once born, happen to have an exceptionally high infant mortality rate, that's between God and the dead black babies. If a high infant mortality rate leads to a reduction in crime, it is certainly not due to Republican policies of reducing taxes for the rich and minimizing services for the poor.

Although Mr. Bennett used an example of "black" babies, we do not believe selecting a single group was racially motivated. We believe Mr. Bennett was referring to babies of many colors such as brown.

We would also emphasize that Mr. Bennett stated that aborting all African-American babies "would be an impossible, ridiculous, and morally reprehensible thing to do," even though the crime rate would go down. We agree.

It would be "impossible" because many black people are mulatto or just light-skinned, so you can't always tell if a black baby is on the way.

It would be "ridiculous" because the United States does not have enough doctors trained in abortion to handle the millions of abortions needed each year. And, again, we're against abortion.

"It would be "morally reprehensible" because if someone like Condoleezza Rice or Halle Berry ever gets pregnant, we couldn't bear to harm them.

While William Bennett was instrumental in making American education the best in the world and winning the War on Drugs, his opinions on the matter of abortion and black babies are not necessarily those of this administration.


Blogger Daniel Levesque said...

This is a hilarious posting. I really like the way you spoof knee-jerk overreactions.

1:53 PM  
Blogger Daniel Levesque said...

By knee-jerk overreactions of course I mean by the president and his representatives to liberal outcries.

1:55 PM  
Blogger GreatSheElephant said...

I can't understand why you don't get more comments - I think this is the most hilarious blog on the web.
Incidentally, is it really true that George W's IQ is similar to that of a gorilla (93 apparently)?

4:44 PM  
Blogger Katie said...

Wow, I completely thought this was real for a minute... but that is so freakin hilarious!

7:39 PM  
Blogger John McAdams said...

Planned Parenthood Advocates Abortion to Reduce Crime

And the bizarre thing is that Bennett, who explicitly rejects abortion, is under attack.

12:18 AM  

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