Thursday, September 29, 2005

Tom DeLay — Victim of Democrats' grudge

I was speaking to my Daddy last night, long distance to Waco, Texas. He sounded kind of depressed on account of the "witch hunt", as he calls it, against Congressman Tom DeLay.

"One of my first summer jobs," Daddy said, "was working for Mr. DeLay's pest control company. I used to spray for bugs right alongside Mr. DeLay. He always said that if he could figure out a way to spray for Mexicans, he'd really be making money." Daddy kind of chuckled but his heart didn't seem to be in it.

"You want to know something, Nancy Jo. This whole Tom DeLay indictment is just Democratic payback. Those Democrats just never got over that incident in Dallas with Kennedy. They're still P.O'ed and now they're trying to assassinate the character of the best Texan in Congress."

"Lee Harvey Oswald wasn't a Republican Daddy," I said. "I thought he was a communist. At least, that's what you always told me."

"Nancy Jo, I was just trying to spare you."

"I can't believe a Republican would assassinate a president of the United States," I said in one of those rare occasions when I contradicted Daddy.

"It was payback time for the killing of Lincoln, a northerner, but still a Republican."

"But Lincoln was killed almost a century before Kennedy."

"It seems that both parties have long memories," Daddy said. "If you think of the Republicans and Democrats like Shiites and Sunnis, I think you'll have a better idea of our government."

"You've been drinking again, haven't you Daddy?" He hung up before I could say another word.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

VP tells FCC to investigate ABC

Even though Vice President Cheney is currently recuperating from heart surgery, he continues to take on a full load of government business. Just this morning, I carried a personal message from the Vice President to the Federal Communications Commission. Except for the cussing part, I agree with every word the Vice President wrote.

To: Michael K. Powell, Chairman
Federal Communications Commission

From: Dick Cheney, Vice President
The United States of America

Dear Mike,

I expected that when we appointed you to keep your eye on the TV networks, you'd be paying attention. So what the f--k have you been doing in that cushy job?

Do you know what's on TV tonight? Some piece of crap called "Commander in Chief". It's about a f--king woman president! A f--king c--t in charge of America. Is this why we have public airwaves? To let any retard put on any d--n TV show they feel like.

You know what this f--king show is all about, don't you? To get that lesbian c--t Clinton elected. In that stupid make-believe world of TV presidents, this dumb--s show is going to portray a woman doing a good job of running America. What a f--king fantasy.

Do we really believe a woman would have had the balls to invade Iraq like we did? No f--king way. Women dither.

..."Should we go in now or should we wait to see if there really are WMDs?"

..."Is Saddam dangerous or is he just pretending to be dangerous?"

..."Should I finish my vacation or should I take charge of this disaster?"

By the time a woman would have made up her menopausal mind, the term would have been over without any war.

Now this c--t, Geena Davis is going to pretend that she knows how to lead men, that she knows how to handle crises. Hurricanes may be named after women but you can bet they don't know what to do if one hits.

Isn't it bad enough we've got the "West Wing" on the air showing America that a cripple can run the country better than a marathon-running, brush-cutting, cyclist like George Bush.

Now we're going to have a mood-swinging, PMS-spraying, bimbo b---h telling half the voters in America (I don't expect any men to watch this horses--t) that a woman could do a better job of budgeting and diplomacy and all the other s--t that we do.

Do we really want America's women to start thinking that a distaff president is a reasonable possibility? Do we really want a bunch of c--ts standing around the water coolers of America tomorrow morning talking about how much better Geena Davis is than George Bush? Or worse, that Hillary Clinton is presidential material.

I want you to call up whatever a--hole at Disneyland is in charge of ABC and tell that f--ker that this "Commander in Chief" better be cancelled by next week or Mike, you can join your Dad on the unemployment line.

Best regards,

Is this the kind of person America wants as President? I don't think so. (I apologize for introducing this pornography into my diary but I think it's important for good Christian Republicans to see just the type of person this Geena Davis really is. Not the kind of woman you'd want your son to marry.)

Monday, September 26, 2005

Questioning Senator Bill Frist's stock transaction

I just don't get it. Some folks expect our U.S. Senators to be plain stupid and I know for a fact that Senator Bill Frist isn't stupid.

Here's what's going on. Senator Frist owned some stock in a hospital company that was founded by his daddy. A while back, he discovered (probably from a relative in the company) that the hospital company was not going to be doing well. So before most people found out, Senator Frist sold his stock while the value was still high.

But doesn't that simply make sense? Why should the Senator lose money just because a bunch of other investors are going to lose money down the road? Wouldn't it make him stupid to hold on to stock that he knew was going down in value? Do we want stupid Senators in Congress?

Now, Martha Stewart, that bitchy Democrat, did something competely different. She discovered that some stock she was holding was going to drop in value and she sold before other investors found out. What's different is, her daddy didn't found the company in which she sold the stock.

The reason Senator Frist will never become a felon like that bitchy Martha is because of good, old family values— the future value of stock that only other family members know about. Since the Republican Party is the only one to support family values, Senator Frist's integrity remains unimpeachable.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

America...Be proud of your President

I don't think I've ever been prouder of an American president than I have been of President George W. Bush this weekend.

As Hurricane Rita, a once-Category 5 storm approach the shores of Texas, President Bush led the American prayer effort from Colorado where he could speak to God without being distracted by winds and rain. And it worked!

By the time the hurricane came ashore, it barely was responsible for any deaths (if you don't count the old folks in the bus fire trying to escape Rita) and the damage, at least in Texas, is no more than 2 billion dollars. Hardly a love-bite from God, compared to Hurricane Katarina, which the Lord aimed at two of America's most sinful cities, New Orleans and Biloxi.

Through presidential-led prayer, what was likely to have been a catastrophic storm turned out to be nothing more than an ordinary Gulf hurricane — something God throws at us all the time to indicate America is still His chosen country.

(According to some, Jews claim to be his chosen people. And maybe they used to be, what with all the holocausts and programs in Eastern Europe and inquisitions.) All I can believe is that God hurts the ones He loves. So He's definitely blessing America.

The imporant thing right now is that while a couple million people are currently displaced, America's capacity to refine oil was hardly touched. The administration prayed extra hard to keep gas prices at the pump down to our traditional $3 a gallon.

I spoke to Daddy this morning. He said because of my prayers, Waco got nothing more from Hurricane Rita than a refreshing breeze on a hot day. Thank you Jesus.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Vatican to outsource jobs

As most of you know, I'm a graduate of the DeVry Evangelical Institute in Waco with a degree as a Registered Divinity Assistant. So this morning, I was speaking with the school's dean, the Reverend Gillmore Highbottom, about job prospects once my White House internship ends.

"Things are looking up for unemployed clergy and alike," Rev. Highbottom said.

"Really," I said. "Why is that?"

"The Vatican just announced that they're clearing out all the gays from the Catholic Church," the Reverend said. "I don't reckon there's going to be too many priests left, if you get my drift."

"Certainly not all priests are gay," I said.

"Of course not," the Reverend said, "They got straight ones too. But them's the ones you got to watch for diddling children."

So I said, "I still don't understand how this will help my job prospects."

"Let's say the Catholic Church clears out 70% of their priests and 90% of their prospects in seminaries, there's going to be a big need for trained folks to fill in. Nancy Jo, you're a divinity professional."

"But I'm not Catholic," I said.

"Don't matter," Reverend Higbottom said. "When an organization outsources jobs, they'll use anyone they can get their hands on that has the skills. And at the DeVry Evangelical Institute, we're proud to train our students to handle just about any Christian religion on an emergency basis. Really Nancy Jo, what's so darn hard about sitting behind a curtain and hearing perverts confess their sins?"

"Is that all there is to it?" I asked.

"Mostly," the Reverend replied. "For Sunday Mass, it looks like the Church will just use a standard DVD of a service projected onto a big screen TV. You'll probably help to hand out the crackers and wine."

"I know the Vatican prefers celibacy but wouldn't it just be better for the Vatican to let priests marry like normal ministers?" I asked.

"I don't see why not," Reverend Highbottom said. "I've been married thirty years and no one's more celibate than me."

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Let us pray

My hometown is Waco, Texas, just a short ride from President Bush's ranch in Crawford.

As Hurricane Rita heads straight for the Texas coast, I am praying extra hard to the Lord that He spare Waco and the Crawford ranch, which are only about 240 miles from Galveston.

As you might remember, when Hurricane Katrina entered the Gulf of Mexico, I prayed that the Lord spare Texas and my prayer was answered. Here's my prayer for Hurricane Rita.

Lord, I can understand You sending a hurricane into the Florida Keys which are filled with Sodomites, although it turns out You didn't hit the Keys very hard after all. I guess in Your Goodness, even Sodomites have the right to live.

Now for some reason, You've got a category 5 hurricane heading straight for the people in America who love You the most. Right now, there are a million Texans in trucks taking all their worldly guns and heading inland. Is this a test? It always seems that You're testing the most devout of us while atheists, Sodomites and even some Muslims like those rich sheiks go through life contented as a puppy on its momma's teat.

If it's a test, You can bet the folks of Texas will pass with flying colors. You can blow down every church in Galveston and Corpus Christi and we Christians will just rebuild them higher and more beautiful than before so we can worship Your Goodness with even greater conviction.

And don't You worry about flooding another city, Lord. America has money to burn when it comes to spending billions to rebuild after one of Your "Acts".

Lord, all I ask is that You spare President Bush's ranch in Crawford and my family home in Waco where Daddy just put in a new spa by the pool and just repainted the stable.

And if You've got any sparing left, maybe You could spare the Republican Party office in downtown Waco, which just took delivery of a new Xerox machine.

Lord, I know this Hurricane Rita is for the best. Obviously, You've got some cleaning to do. But no one loves You more than we Christian Republicans, so try to limit Your damage to Democratic districts.

I pray and I know that President Bush prays that You'll miraculously make the hurricane disappear before it reaches land. In fact, it seems that all that President Bush does is pray. Please Lord, cut him some slack. There are even some Republicans who are starting to believe that President Bush was not sent by You to do Your work on earth.

Give President Bush the power you gave to Moses and let President Bush part the hurricane so that half goes to Mexico and the other half goes to Canada.

Blessed are You Lord.

I really believe the Lord has heard my prayers.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Bush administration launches War on Poverty

It's a fact that Hurricane Katrina threw a spotlight on the poor in America. I had the honor this morning of sitting in on an Oval Office brainstorming session of key players in the administration figuring out how to fight poverty. I took some notes.

PRESIDENT BUSH: According to what I've been reading in one of those news magazines in my doctor's waiting room, there are 37 million people in the United States living in poverty. It's getting a bit embarrassing, especially when them North Koreans living on grass are living better than our folks. What are we going to do about it?

KARL ROVE: Mr. President, the U.S. government has set the poverty line at $14,680 for a family of three. What if we lower the poverty line to $6,000, then America would have virtually no one living in poverty.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: That's the kind of thinking that won us two elections Karl. But now the media and even some Republicans are starting to look closely at what we say and do. What we needed to do was drop the poverty line before that hurricane hit. We just didn't react fast enough.

CONDOLEEZZA RICE: Poverty strikes the black community disproportionately hard. President Clinton did have some initiatives that seemed to have some success in alleviating poverty but this administration shut them down to cut taxes.

PRESIDENT BUSH: I hope you're not suggesting I have more interest in rich, white people than I do in poor, black folks.

RICE: No Sir, of course not. I was just pointing out a fact from history.

PRESIDENT BUSH: The reason I killed those Clinton initiatives was because, because...(President Bush turned to Mr. Rove while Mr. Rove said something into the President's ear) because we didn't want our administration being associated with anything that philandering pervert did. Every time a black youth received a Youth Opportunity Grant, those kids would be thinking of that Monica Lewinsky doing perverted things to Clinton and America cannot afford to put those thoughts in young black people.

LAURA BUSH: What if we have a National Prayer Day to end poverty? All Americans would pray and God would have to listen to 300 million people praying all at once.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Now that's a constructive suggestion, Honey. Jesus loves the poor. He just don't show it much while they're down here on earth. Maybe we could combine the National Prayer Day with Super Bowl Sunday so it don't interfere with a day in which Americans are doing much business.

RICE: What about actual programs for the poor?

PRESIDENT BUSH: You mean, bring back Sanford and Son? Heh heh. I think that Red Foxx feller is dead.

RICE: I was thinking more along the lines of allocating some money we're giving to Halliburton to rebuild Iraq to poverty programs in America.

At this point, Vice President Cheney grabbed his chest and tumbled to the floor, Paramedics arrived within seconds and the meeting broke up.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Big Spending in the Big Easy

Last night, President Bush gave a speech from the heart of New Orleans. He pledged that America would do all it can to rebuild the city, even if it costs $200 billion.

You might have noticed the President didn't give too many details. This morning, I happened to be doing some photocopying for Vice-President Cheney and noticed he's already got a great proposal for remaking New Orleans.

Here are few of the highlights from the VP's Big Spending in the Big Easy:

"More Tax Cuts for the Weathy—By cutting taxes for the rich, more money will trickle down to the poor of New Orleans. For instance, rich people will have more discretionary income to purchase CDs of New Orleans jazz musicians. With every CD purchased, a jazz musician will have another dime to help the recovery of the local economy, i.e., shopping for groceries and hiring a bulldozer to knock down his former hovel."

"Reducing America's Bureaucracy—As we all know, Wal-Mart was able to get emergency supplies to the victims of Huricane Katrina while FEMA bureaucrats were still picking their butts. Instead of taking the blame for FEMA's inefficiency, this administration should do away with FEMA totally and hire a private contractor to take over the duty of rescuing people and property after a natural disaster. I suggest Halliburton receive a short-term contract (no more than 15 years) to see if this plan works."

"Tax Credits for Middle-Class Homeowners—A lot of New Orleans residents live in nice homes on high ground where there was no flooding. Many of these homes are very valuable, i.e., million dollar mansions. Because of Katrina, their property value dropped. The federal government should provide these residents with a tax credit equal to the loss in market value of their homes."

"Taxing Hybrid Vehicles—We don't want to be perceived as tax-cutters only during a disaster relief situation. So we should look at areas where adding taxes might be appropriate. People who drive hybrid vehicles use less gasoline thereby depriving the American and state treasuries of needed revenue from gas taxes. We should therefore add a tax on the purchase of these vehicles. We could also tax people who use solar power in their homes and drive up the cost of utility power."

"Maintaining High Lumber Duties—There's going to be a lot of rebuilding going on in New Orleans. By keeping the duties we charge on Canadian lumber imports high, everyone wins. The Treasury makes a lot of money. The cost of rebuilding homes in New Orleans will be high so that when each home is finished, it will have a high market value."

"Free Tuition—Students who were supposed to attend Tulane University no longer have a place to go to school. The administration can offer to pick up the tuition of those students who wish to attend a Bible College of their choice such as the DeVry Evangelical Institute."

With so many good ideas coming from the administration, New Orleans ought to be up and running within a matter of weeks.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

George Bush has an ungrateful brother

Here's somethig interesting you may not know about President George Bush. He's been so busy running the country and personally leading disaster relief that he's never had time to learn how to use his email. I think it's kind of cute that the leader of the Free World still needs his secretary to print out his personal emails so he can read them.

This morning I found one of those emails lying on top of the trash bin waiting to be shredded. It was an email from one of the President's brothers. (Because of my oath of confidentiality, I won't say which brother—Neil or Jeb—sent it.)
When I read it, I was shocked. I know there's no way I would invite that brother to Thanksgiving or Christmas ever again.

Here's the email:

Dear Turd Face, (I guess that's the President's nickname inside the family)

What the f--k's wrong with you Georgie?

Are you f--king my chances to become president because you're still jealous I got the better wife?

I always told Dad that once you got into the White House, the country would never elect another Bush. I said you were an idiot but Mom said, "Give Georgie a chance. He's bound to succeed at something." And now my chances of ever becoming president are going down the drain faster than water being pumped out of New Orleans.

Because of your lazy-assed stupidity and incompetence, I could end up being (title deleted for confidentiality) of this southern-fried-Jewish-retirement-home-state for the rest of my life.

Didn't I tell you to appoint someone to head FEMA who actually knew what to do in an emergency? Didn't I tell you that Brown panics if his sink leaks?

But no. You said "What are the odds of anything really bad happening twice in one administration?"

It's starting to seem to me that you are the unluckiest president America has ever seen. I mean, what are the odds of invading an Arab country and NOT finding weapons of mass destruction? What are the odds of that Pat Robertson praying for vacancies on the Supreme Court and two show up — both conservative justices? What are the odds of America's biggest natural disaster striking exactly when the president is on vacation? Although in your case I guess the odds were 50-50.

You've got the high ground on all the popular issues. You're anti-abortion, anti-gay marriage, anti-stem cell research, anti-evolution, anti-education, anti-poor people (which is not the same as anti-poverty as you seem to think) and pro-prayer. Yet your popularity is lower than an cow's udder than hasn't been milked in four days.

I'm feeling like I'm going down with the Titanic.

Georgie, pull yourself together. I realize you didn't count on getting elected for a second term. But at least pretend you're interested in being president.

People are watching you but they're judging me on how you do your job.

Stop screwing up my future.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Appalled at what goes on in blogs

I am appalled with what people write in blogs in this country. I know it's a free country but the right to say plain stupid things should be a crime.

Although I do not go 'surfing' the Web to read blogs, we in the White House get regular reports from the FBI regarding seditious blogs. Here's the kind of garbage that no-nothing-do-nothings write about.

"You want to know who the biggest terrorist in the United States is? It's George W. Bush. He's had four years since 9/11 to to put together an emergency team that should be the best in the world. Instead, that f--k-up of a president hires a Keystone Cop and who knows how many hundreds of people died and got sick because of that one patronage decision. If terrorists are supposed to scare Americans, then no one scares the s--t out of me more than that bumbling President Dubya Bush."

I hope the FBI finds this blogger and shoots him down on the street like the weasel he is.

Here's another piece of scum that purports to be truth on the Internet.

"Where did the hundreds of billions of dollars for Homeland Security go? Halliburton seems to be getting its share. Dubya's oil buddies in Texas are getting their share. All the administration is doing is making it harder for Americans to travel by forcing every American to carry a passport to get back into our own country from Canada and Mexico. If two million Mexicans a year can enter the U.S. without a passport, how hard will it be for Al Qaeda? I assume that Bush has a buddy in the passport printing business."

Although President Bush does have a contributor in the passport printing business, it is entirely coincidental. The President is simply tightening up security by making it more difficult for folks to travel freely. By 2010, the administration expects that Americans will require passports to travel between states. No terrorist will ever slip between North Dakota and South Dakota ever again.

Friday, September 09, 2005

President Bush goes Cajun

Michael Brown, the Director of FEMA, has been promoted for his fine work during the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina and he has returned to Washington where he will deal with plumbing and electrical emergencies at the White House.

A little known fact: Not a single Arab horse died in New Orleans thanks to the keen focus of Mr. Brown.

I was a little saddened to see Colin Powell bad-mouthing the administration for its handling of the New Orleans emergency. He's got nerve. If it weren't for Mr. Powell's speech at the U.N., American might not be in Iraq right now (although we don't really mind since we're still bringing freedom and democracy to the Iraqis).

President Bush has made it clear that returning New Orleans to its previous state of sinfulness, debauchery and depravity is his Number One priority.

Speaking before the media, the President stated: "I can hardly remember all the times I got hammered in the Big Easy," He then went on to say, "I can hardly remember all the times I needed antibiotics." (I don't know what he means.)

The President then announced, "You know this hurricane business took me away from my vacation a week early, a vacation I'd been counting on since my last vacation in July. Anyway, I've decided to mix some business and pleasure. I want to show the American public and the world that the Big Easy is open for business. So I'm going to finish my vacation in New Orleans. I'm bringing my dad along since Laura doesn't seem interested in joining me."

Here are Presidents 41 and 43 enjoying their trip to New Orleans.
Notice that Cindy Sheehan is nowhere to be seen.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Investigation into "What went right"

Soon as all the folks in Louisiana and Mississippi have beds in a stadium or covered arena, President Bush will launch an investigation into what went "right" with Hurricane Katrina. (We'll let the Democrats dig up dirt on the couple things that might have gone wrong.)

I'd like to start the list of things that went "right":

—President Bush proved he is able to lead during a disaster with no more than four or five days' notice.

—That awful woman, Cindy Sheehan, finally got off the front page.

—The War in Iraq didn't seem so bad last week.

—The U.S. Weather Service was able to keep the hurricane from striking Texas.

—Over 99% of the levee walls held.

—The Bush administration was able to reduce the number of people on welfare rolls.

—Donations from countries like Canada and China helped subsidize the tax cuts that hard-working Americans deserve.

—As the President's mother Barbara Bush pointed out, most of the folks living in shelters are living better than they did before the hurricane.

—Sinfulness in New Orleans dropped significantly.

—President Bush asked Americans to pray that the hurricane might not be too severe and God listened.

—Nobody really important died.

President Bush is seen
comforting a victim of
Hurricane Katrina

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Charity begins at the White House

As you know, it is not the government's role to be helping every Tom, Dick and Harry who finds himself in trouble. (The government helps corporations and industries.)

Still, George W. Bush, our compassionate President, couldn't just stand by and watch those poor folks in New Orleans die because of hunger and dehydration. So within a week, he made sure every man, woman and child had food, a bottle of water and a blanket. Mission Accomplished, I say.

But it doesn't end there. I overheard Laura Bush and the President discussing what more they could personally do to help.
President George and Laura Bush

"George," Laura said. "I've got an idea."

"That sounds dangerous," the President said with a chuckle.

"I'm serious George. We've got that big, old ranch in Crawford sitting empty with all them rooms, each of which could hold a family. And we've got all those acres where evacuees could set up tents and huts for a while."

"Are you nuts?" George exclaimed. "That's the Western White House. I do business there. That's where I clear brush and ride my bicycle."

"George, we're not going to be using the ranch again until Thanksgiving. Doesn't it make sense for us to make a personal sacrifice for those poor wretched folks who are all stuck in the Astrodome?"

"But we've got some good dishes at the Ranch. And that plasma TV, it's brand new. Them New Orleans folks ain't familiar with finer things. They might break something."

"George, the Lord's been good to you. He made you rich even though you'd never done a day's work in your life. He made you popular even though nothing seems to have gone right since you became president. I think the Lord expects you to return the favor by being charitable."

"I suppose I could allow a few of the good ones to stay at the ranch a while, after thorough security checks naturally. And we'll need some monitors there to make sure the silverware doesn't go off for a walk. Hmmmm. How about I ask Condi and Colin if they'd mind living at the ranch for a month or so, just to keep an eye on things."

"George, you've got a good heart."

Friday, September 02, 2005

Does America really want aid from Sri Lanka?

President Bush has been criticized by members of the American public and media for not acting quickly enough in getting relief to the folks hit by Hurricane Katrina. That is simply not fair.

President Bush cut short his vacation by nearly a week. And he packed in such a rush that he left behind his toiletry kit in Crawford. Air Force One had to make a return trip to get it.

If you've been watching TV, you've seen those citizens of New Orleans and Biloxi wailing that no one has come to their rescue; no one has brought them food or water or shelter. The fact is, America is not a socialist country where folks get to feed from the breast of the government. You can bet those folks down south didn't complain when George Bush handed them all tax cuts.

America is about independence and freedom, like Iraq will someday be. Certainly, acts of God like hurricanes can affect individuals. But what these people need is more faith in Jesus, not government welfare.

All of America has taken a hit from Katrina. Just look at the prices at the gas pumps. We're all in it together. We're all victims but we can't expect the government to give us all aid in a finger snap. And with all the tax cuts that those folks enjoyed for so long, it's not like the government's got a lot of cash to spread around.

Certainly it would have been nice if our National Guard were guarding our nation. But it's doing a more important job fighting for Iraqi freedom, so we have to make do with volunteers and militia outfits.

The one problem is that all kinds of foreign leaders have been calling up President Bush and offering to help the desperate folks down south.

I believe these leaders are just trying to humiliate America.

Can you imagine a planeload of Sri Lankans or Rwandans coming to the aid of the United States of America? The next thing you know, the United Nations will be sending peacekeepers to the SuperDome.

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