Monday, February 27, 2006

National Brotherhood Week can stop the Iraqi civil war

President and Mrs. Bush recently celebrated another Black History Month at the White House by inviting Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice to lunch to share a table with Vice President Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld who have been named honorary African Americans by the Republican Black Caucus.

(For some reason, quite a number of contributors and other Republicans invited to the lunch to celebrate Black History could not attend, so we interns were invited to fill a couple of tables.)

The President and Secretary Rice discussed issues that affect the Black community such as why there are so few films with Black people in positive roles. As the President pointed out, "Why couldn't an African American person play Capote? Why couldn't Chris Rock star in Brokeback Mountain instead of that Australian foreigner?"

The discussion then moved on to how much better things have gotten for minorities and the previously disenfranchised in America. The President used his administration as an example.

"I've got high-ranking African Americans." He pointed to Secretary Rice. "I've got high-ranking women." He pointed to Secretary Rice. "I've even got me high-ranking intellectuals." He pointed to Secretary Rice. "I've got high-ranking people of suspicious sexual orientation." He didn't point to anyone but I could swear Secretary Rice blushed. "It's this diversification that keeps me in touch with the American public," the President said.

Because the Sunnis in Iraq had just blown up an important Shiite mosque and the Shiites were starting to retaliate, there was some talk at the lunch that civil war in Iraq was just around the corner.

The President turned to Secretary Rice and asked, "Is Iraqi civil war inedible...ineverable...iniligible?"

"Do you mean inevitable, sir?" Secretary Rice asked. "It doesn't have to be inevitable," she said, "if we think outside the box."

"What box are you talking about?" the President asked. "Because I usually think inside the Oval Office which ain't box shaped, it's more football shaped so are you asking me to think outside the football?"

Secretary Rice said, "I'm just saying that we need creative solutions to deal with the Sunnis and Shiites who distrust each other."

"I've got me an idea," the President said. "Remember when black folk and white folk in America didn't get along? You know what changed it all. National Brotherhood Week. During that one week a year, white people and black people made a real effort to get along."

"I suppose," said Secretary Rice.

"Why don't we introduce National Brotherhood Week to Iraq?" said the President. "We could have posters showing Shiites and Sunnis shaking hands and smiling at each other. We could have essay contests in schools where the children write about things that Sunnis and Shiites have in common — they both hate Kurds. I'm sure they have other things in common too."

"They both hate the United States," Vice President Cheney piped up.

"I'm willing to sacrifice America's popularity if it brings Sunnis and Shiites together as brothers," President Bush said. "Let's get cracking on getting those people to bond so that some day Iraq will be just like America and the Shiite government will find a place in their cabinet for a Sunni woman."

I could have sworn Secretary Rice blushed.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Muslims are getting riled up about American TV show

I just delivered a stack of CIA reports to the President's secretary. Its seems that imams and mullahs and ayatollahs all over the Muslim world are getting set to drive their people into another insult frenzy.

According to the CIA reports, Muslim leaders realize they can only occupy their people's attention with cartoons for about a month. After that, the folks who generally hang out in the streets return to their hovels to watch TV: generally Al Jazeera and their favorite game show, What can we blame on the Jews?

So Muslim leaders got together at a resort in Abu Dhabi last weekend to figure out some other way they've been insulted by the West. After an all-day session, the Muslim leaders couldn't agree on anything disrespectful. A few were in favor of starting riots over the word "ham" since ham appears in the name Mohammed and Muslims are against ham. But since "ham" also appears in Abraham and the Jews don't get insulted, the Muslim braintrust didn't think the disrespect was sufficient for a full-out riot.

That night, it turns out that one of the ayatollahs was in his room watching TV — a rerun of the 1960s program, Mister Ed. Although I've never seen it, the report said the show was about a talking horse named Mister Ed.

At the next session of the "How We've Been Insulted Conference", sponsored by Shell Oil, the ayatollah stood up and said that he knew how the West had insulted the Muslim world.

"Mister Ed," the ayatollah stated. There was no reaction in the room.

Then the ayatollah said, "Don't you see, it starts with "M" and ends in "Ed", just like our Prophet Mohammed. The Jews in Hollywood, America compare our Prophet to a horse."

Then the others in the sessions all started shouting in agreement. "Of course." "Absolutely." "How did we not see this at the 1964 Emmy Awards?"

Muslim leaders returned to their home countries armed with DVDs and posters of Mister Ed and will probably begin protests and riots after Spring Break.

I have no idea what the United States can do to counteract this but I trust President Bush will come up with a plan. After all, he knows horses.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Scooter Libby is lucky to be alive

I can tell you, there are more than few folks here at the White House who are peeved at Scooter Libby.

You might remember that Mr. Libby was recently indicted for obstruction of justice in the Valerie Plame case. So to save his own skin, Mr. Libby has been going around saying that Vice President Cheney encouraged him to leak confidential intelligence to reporters. (If this were true...and I'm positive that it's not...Vice President Cheney would be impeached or sent to jail.)

Like I said, most of us are angry at Mr. Libby's disloyalty but not Vice President Cheney.

In fact, Vice President Cheney still likes Mr. Libby enough to invite him to social gatherings. Just this weekend, Vice President Cheney invited Mr. Libby to go quail hunting. I heard some details from Trish, my co-intern, who in turn heard it from one of the Secret Service agents on the Vice President's detail.

It seems that Mr. Libby had never been quail hunting before. "Just wear this yellow jacket with the big red circle on the back," the Vice President told Mr. Libby before they left for the quail blinds.

"Isn't this jacket a bit too bright?" Mr. Libby asked. "Won't the birds fly off when they see it?"

"Just wear the f--king jacket," the Vice President said. "Don't you think I know what the f--k I'm doing?"

When the hunting party got into the brush, the Vice President told Mr. Libby to stand out in the open because when you're quail hunting, that's the safest place to be. (It sounds a lot different than all the kinds of hunting I know about.)

"Wouldn't it be safer if I stood behind a tree or something?" Mr. Libby asked.

"No you idiot," the VP replied. "The quails come out from the trees, so that's where we'll be shooting."

"Do I get a gun or something?" Mr. Libby asked.

The Vice President turned to a Secret Service agent and said, "Give him your service revolver."

The agent was dumbstruck. "Sir, I can't give someone my revolver. Besides, you can't shoot quail with a pistol."

"I'm sure Scooter is a terrific marksman," the VP said. "So give him your f--king gun."

The agent reluctantly handed over his gun to Mr. Libby who held it like it were a poisonous snake.

"Happy now?" the Vice President asked Mr. Libby. "Now go kill a f--king bird."

Mr. Libby was standing out in the field as the Vice President and others in the hunting party started shooting at quail. I believe Mr. Libby didn't even know how to release the safety on his gun and he just stood there in his yellow jacket with a big red circle on the back.

After a while, Harry Whittington a Texas lawyer told his hunting partner that he was going over to speak with Mr. Libby.

"That boy represents a big payday for the right law firm," Mr. Whittington was supposed to have said. "I'm going to see if I can't get his business."

Just as Mr. Whittington walked up to Mr. Libby from behind and tapped him on his shoulder, the old lawyer was accidently shot by the Vice President. It seems that Mr. Whittington is okay and Vice President Cheney feels real bad about it.

But wouldn't it have been ironic or a big coincidence or whatever if the Vice President had shot Mr. Libby? I don't suppose Mr. Libby will be going hunting anytime soon.

Anyway, I heard that to make it up to Mr. Libby who is still a bit shaken, the Vice President wants to take Mr. Libby deep-sea fishing on his boat. Just the two of them.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Holocaust cartoons are hilarious

Just as America was getting them Muslims to calm down in Iraq and Afghanistan and other places were they like to get riled up, those crazy Danes went and stirred those Medieval Muslims up once again.

It seems Mohammed doesn't like his picture taken or some such superstition. Heck, I've got pictures of Jesus watching over me just about everywhere except in the bathroom.

To get their revenge, the Muslims have been buying up every Danish flag they can find and burning them which is sure teaching those Danes a lesson. And an Iranian newspaper, the Ham-something (I thought they didn't have ham, oh well) is running a contest for the best Holocaust cartoon.

The CIA has been able to get some early entries that I got to see as I delivered them to Vice President Cheney's office. I reckon I didn't learn much about the Holocaust at the DeVry Evangelical Institute where I got my degree as a Registered Divinity Assistant but the cartoons seemed pretty funny.

In one cartoon, Mohammed is in line with a bunch of Jews heading for the gas chamber. One German guard says, "He keeps saying he's not a Jew" and the other guard says, "Who cares? Do you really want this guy on the streets of Dusseldorf?" According to the CIA notes, this cartoon is the work of Akbar bin Akbar, a student at Our Father of Perpetual Rage High School in the suburbs of Tehran.

Ayatollah Katayama, a city councillor and sewer commissioner in Tehran offered the following cartoon. Jews are getting numbers tattooed on their arms and Mohammed is getting a dollar sign tattooed on his arm. And the tattoo artist is saying, "Of course profit, he's a Jew, right?"

From Syria, the comedy capital of Arabia comes this really cute cartoon. Mohammed, Garfield and Snoopy are standing outside a concentration camp and Mohammed is saying, "Those Jews will do anything for free room and board."

Ali Ghraib, brother of Abu Ghraib, and a professional editorial cartoonist for the Gaza Terrorist-Times provided the following cartoon. There's a mountain of dead Jews at a concentration camp. And Mohammed is saying, "If the mountain won't come to me, I guess I'll have to go to the mountain." I didn't get it.

In the final one by Sheik Saddam Nasser, a public relations director in Saudi Arabia, Mohammed is standing at the door to a gas chamber as Jews dressed like sheep go inside. Mohammed is chatting with the Nazi guard saying,"Too bad these people don't have their own country. It would be fun to attack it."

Those radical Muslims sure have some talented cartoonists.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

"Addiction to oil" means innovative ideas

That was one heck of a State of the Union address that President Bush delivered. My Daddy called me this morning from Waco to say he stayed awake during almost all of it.

I've viewed the minutes from a recent Cabinet meeting in which the President expressed his belief that Americans are addicted to oil. Then he asked his Cabinet to come up with some innovative ideas to end the addiction. Here are some highlights. (This is kind of confidential, so I won't name names.)

SECRETARY 1: I know some folks that was addicted to cigarettes. They used the Patch to get themselves unaddicted. Maybe somebody could invent a Patch that goes over a car's gas tank.

SECRETARY 2: Maybe we could start locking up gasoline dealers for distribution of an illegal substance. Of course, we'd have to declare a War on Oil and make dealing oil illegal although I don't think simple possession should be dealt with harshly since we all got cars.

SECRETARY 3: Maybe every gas station would have to offer every motorist group therapy sessions. Before someone could fill up, a few folks would have to sit around and discuss why they need gas and if their life would be better if they could resist buying more gas..

SECRETARY 4: Economically speaking, gasoline is priced too low. Gasoline is the crack cocaine of energy. It's priced low enough so that virtually any deadbeat can afford to buy it. It needs to be priced like powder cocaine so that only the elite can afford it. Gasoline should be priced at $10 or $20 a gallon. At that price, America's addiction will drop significantly.

A NON-SECRETARY: F--k the addiction bulls--t and let's just invade those a--holes in Iran and pansies in Canada. At least we'll keep the f--king party in America going a few more f--king years.

PRESIDENT BUSH: I want to thank you all for your innovative suggestions. With this kind of thinking going on inside the Republican Party, I feel confident that America's oil problems will soon be a thing of the past.

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