Friday, March 11, 2005

America's #1 most important issue: Steroids in baseball

Every president has to have priorities. There's a lot that President Bush could have talked about in his last State of the Union speech but he choose to zero in on steroid use in professional baseball.

The fact is, there's not much wrong with the United States. Under President Bush, crime is way down and so too are taxes. The war in Iraq has turned into a magnificent march toward democracy and freedom. The economy is rolling along. There aren't enough Democrats in Congress to do much harm to the moral values of the nation.

About the only thing that needs addressing in America is steroid use. Thankfully, Congress is moving full throttle into holding hearings.

America does not need any more baseball players doing Viagra commercials because you know, that's what steroids do. They shrivel up men's you-know-whats. The Russian Women's Olympic team is composed virtually of all men who have been taking lots of steroids. That's a fact.

Take Governor Schwarznegger. During his California campaign, a bunch of women accused the Governor of groping them. Well, after decades of steroid use, groping is about the only thing left that a man can do. Were it not for the steroids, he would likely have been accused of much worse and California would still be in the hands of a Democrat. (Although this makes steroid use seem like a positive, it shouldn't.)

There will be a sad day in January, 2009 when President Bush is constitutionally forced out of the White House. On that day, George W. Bush intends to take over the reins of Major League Baseball. It's always been his dream to work his way up from the U.S. Presidency to Baseball Commissioner.

President Bush is using his power as the supreme commander of the the most powerful nation in the world to stop steroid use now because when he takes over baseball, he expects it to be cleaned up.

His first order of business when he takes over America's pastime: No Canadian teams.


Blogger Elephant Hunter said...

This is a great site!!! Keep it up!!!

9:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Denying baseball players steroids is denying them the first principle of American society "Win at all costs". The right to win at all costs should have been first in the bill of rights. How much more American?

9:57 AM  
Blogger magnolia said...

I am love your blog! Absolutely wonderful!

6:53 PM  
Blogger Roy said...

Please don't stop doing this blog. It's so important for those liberals to what it's like in the "house". Should I capitalize that? Hey, is that a pun? I'm not sure. But honestly, your blog is the best. If I was in your position I'd do this too but I'm not so I'll just read yours. Thanks!

6:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


I don't know what kind of a left-leaning Liberal Commie loving pinko you are, but this is a warning:

Pfizer generates 80% of Viagra sales to steroid users. We will not sit idly by and allow people like you to threaten the value of our product to millions of satisfied customers and the investment in our company by our shareholders.

You don't like drugs? Then fair enough, get out! America was founded on drugs like a house on stilts. Drugs are the only thing standing between Americans and calamity. Do you want to suffer the loss of a loved one without Valium in the cupboard and Glenfiddich in the minibar? Americans consume 80% of all the drugs in the world. It has taken many generations of hard work and dedication to achieve world leadership in this regard, and we will act to protect our interests. This is the American Way of Life, and it is non-negotiable.

If you wish to avoid damaging litigation, cease and desist. This is fair warning.

Lastly, ask yourself, "would you not feel otherwise if you were a man?" It is so easy for women nowadays. You can fake it and no one ever knows. But if a man fakes it everybody knows. To compete in this kill-or-be-killed world, our customers want bulging muscles AND confidence. If you think a self-help book and cranberry muffins can do this, take it up with the commisariat. But for heaven's sake, if you can't handle the meat, stay out of the butcher shop.

Gideon C. Eisenschwanz
Eisenschwanz, Guildenstern & Schlitzfeld LLC

11:45 PM  

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