Vatican to outsource jobs

As most of you know, I'm a graduate of the DeVry Evangelical Institute in Waco with a degree as a Registered Divinity Assistant. So this morning, I was speaking with the school's dean, the Reverend Gillmore Highbottom, about job prospects once my White House internship ends.

"Things are looking up for unemployed clergy and alike," Rev. Highbottom said.

"Really," I said. "Why is that?"

"The Vatican just announced that they're clearing out all the gays from the Catholic Church," the Reverend said. "I don't reckon there's going to be too many priests left, if you get my drift."

"Certainly not all priests are gay," I said.

"Of course not," the Reverend said, "They got straight ones too. But them's the ones you got to watch for diddling children."

So I said, "I still don't understand how this will help my job prospects."

"Let's say the Catholic Church clears out 70% of their priests and 90% of their prospects in seminaries, there's going to be a big need for trained folks to fill in. Nancy Jo, you're a divinity professional."

"But I'm not Catholic," I said.

"Don't matter," Reverend Higbottom said. "When an organization outsources jobs, they'll use anyone they can get their hands on that has the skills. And at the DeVry Evangelical Institute, we're proud to train our students to handle just about any Christian religion on an emergency basis. Really Nancy Jo, what's so darn hard about sitting behind a curtain and hearing perverts confess their sins?"

"Is that all there is to it?" I asked.

"Mostly," the Reverend replied. "For Sunday Mass, it looks like the Church will just use a standard DVD of a service projected onto a big screen TV. You'll probably help to hand out the crackers and wine."

"I know the Vatican prefers celibacy but wouldn't it just be better for the Vatican to let priests marry like normal ministers?" I asked.

"I don't see why not," Reverend Highbottom said. "I've been married thirty years and no one's more celibate than me."