President Bush calls to congratulate Michael Jackson

There were a lot high fives all around the White House this afternoon when word came that Michael Jackson was acquitted of all those bogus charges too grotesque to repeat among mixed company.

This past week, the Democrat's Loser-in-Chief, Howard Dean suggested that the Republican Party is the party of white Christians.

In fact, the GOP is proud to encompass black Christians as well. At least, Michael Jackson was black before he converted to whiteness.

Michael Jackson has always represented the best aspects of the Republican Party. He's wealthy. He has excellent family values. And unlike that Democrat, Martha Stewart, Mr. Jackson has never been convicted of a felony — the true separation line between Democrats and Republicans.

Our prisons are filled with young, black males — all would-be Democrats if given the opportunity to vote (which they're not!)

Michael Jackson does not belong in a prison for following the teachings of Jesus Christ to love others as you love yourself.

Anyway, just like on Superbowl Sunday, President Bush called the winning team to offer his congratulations. The call was made on speakerphone and piped throughout the White House so everyone could hear the excitement in Mr. Jackson's voice as he took a call from the President of the United States.

Mr. Jackson said he was "absolutely thrilled" to be acquitted and suggested that President Bush have Ken Lay's trial moved to California. We all laughed at that one.

Mr. Jackson invited President Bush to stay at the Neverland Ranch. President Bush could have his own bed if he wanted. More laughs.

Then President Bush suggested making Mr. Jackson a Cabinet Secretary in charge of child welfare.

As President Bush pointed out, Michael Jackson is the one person in America who we can be absolutely sure of is not a pedophile. He's got the acquittal papers to prove it.