President Bush delivers a commencement address in Waco

I feel sooooooo honored. This weekend, President George W. Bush delivered the commencement address for the graduating class at the DeVry Evangelical Institute in Waco, Texas — my alma mater. President Bush received an honorary degree — Doctor of Divine Sciences — and then made the following eloquent speech.

"Faculty, students, parents and Christians. I am honored to receive this fine degree from such a respected Christian institution of higher learning. Frankly, I received a degree from Bob Jones University a while back and I gave it to my dog Barney when he passed obediance school. But this degree from DeVry Evangelical, I intend to cherish.

"As Christians, we know what it's like to feel victimized. As God's chosen people, there are always others in more populated but less beloved religions taking potshots at us. Just remember what Jesus told us. When attacked, turn the other cheek. When you do that, you can see who's coming from the other direction and get ready to shoot him. Jesus was full of very practical military advice.

"Now, boys being boys, I reckon a number of you girls got yourself into a family way while studying here. Certainly, I'm not one to pass judgment on others, but if you got yourselves an abortion, you've bought yourself a one-way ticket on United Airlines to Hell.

"Now I realize that my lovely wife Laura and my delightful daughters Barb and Jenna and even my mom and dad think I'm an idiot for holding such an opinion. But I'm a president who stands by principle. I believe in the Culture of Life. I believe God made it easy to have babies so countries like America would always have a large pool of young men and women able to join the Armed Forces when recruitment levels drop drastically.

"Speaking of recruitment, as young men and women graduating with divinity degrees, I hope you consider a career in the Armed Forces doing God's work in non-Christian countries. For instance, many Muslim countries welcome Christian missionaries.

"As graduates of the DeVry Evangelical Institute, you are entering the world well prepared to deal with all aspects of life. You've learned that history that was written two thousand years ago hasn't changed an iota. You've learned that the Word of God as set down in the Bible cannot be challenged. You've learned that modern-day biology and physics are worthless sciences and all you need is faith in the Lord to thrive. You've learned to have tolerance of other Christians, whether they're Baptists or Methodists or even Anglicans, now that Britain is such a close friend. You've learned that some Democrats can be good people though simply misguided.

"You're entering the world to make a grand contribution. You won't invent or discover anything. You won't actually cure anybody. But you'll work hard to return America to the way it was in the 18th century. You'll ensure all Americans enjoy freedom as defined by us.

"Scientists will have the freedom to research anything they want — as long as it doesn't contradict the teachings of the Bible.

"Professors will have the freedom to teach what they like as long as it falls within the Patriot Act.

"Doctors will have the freedom to perform all medically required procedures provided those procedures don't offend our Christian sensibilities.

"All Americans can worship as they please although federal funding will be aimed at American-oriented religions.

"And, of course, there's our sacred freedom under the Constitution to carry a concealed weapon. I always carry a Colt.

"In choosing to a attend a divinity school, you made the right choice. Prayer will be more important for Americans than ever.

"Pray that Social Security doesn't go bankrupt before you're old because frankly, I haven't a clue how to fix it.

"Pray that you never have to go to a hospital because honestly, you can't afford it.

"Pray that we're out of Iraq by 2008 because otherwise, Jeb may have a hard time beating those unpatriotic Democrats.

"Pray that the world never figures out that it's been subsidizing America for generations with cheap gas and cheap labor.

"You DeVry Evangelical graduates are the future of America. Just remember, there's nothing wrong with small minds as long as those minds are thinking the right things.

"Thank you."