Pentagon Report: Canada is ripe for U.S. invasion

There's an awful lot not to like about Canada.

First off, it's got an entire province devoted to being French. That's a bit too much French too close to America for my liking.

While America remains in a constant state of terror, Canadians are walking around like the world is normal. They don't even have a color coding terror alert system.

Canadian tourists flock to Cuba whereas no American has stepped foot in Cuba since 1960.

The Canadians set up a Conservative Party based on the Republican Party, then put some retard in charge so the party keeps shooting itself in the foot. According to State Department reports, the Canadian Liberal Party has been caught dead to rights with its hand in the till. But Canadians still prefer a corrupt government to a Conservative Government led by a retard — unlike Americans.

Which leads me to a military report I just delivered to Vice-President Cheney.

It seems that ever since the War of 1812, the United States has maintained a game plan for re-invading Canada.

After all, Canada has more than its fair share of natural resources with only one-tenth the population of the United States. Fact is, we could really use all that Canadian oil, natural gas and of course, pure water. (There are golf courses in Arizona that are absolutely scorched while Canadians go swimming.)

For the last 190 years, opportunities to invade Canada have been few and far between. Things looked good in 1941 when Japan bombed Pearl Harbor. We were about to claim that Canada was in cahoots with the Japanese but the Canadians declared war on Japan before the United States did. So that opportunity vanished.

The fact that Canada did not join America in the Worldwide Coalition of the Willing to invade Iraq (although we grudgingly admit they are in Afghanistan) seemed to signal another opportunity to invade our northern neighbor. However, since most of our troops are in Iraq, attacking with military might below full strength could prove to be a mistake.

That is until now.

The Pentagon reports that on May 3, 2005, two Canadian soldiers, both male, married each other at Canadian Forces Base Greenwood in Nova Scotia. It was a "Christian" service that received the blessing of the base commander and base chaplain.

Canada's fighting men are now fighting about who does the dishes and who takes out the trash. Boot camp is now a honeymoon retreat. If homosexuals are guarding Canada, then the country is defenseless.

The Pentagon suggests that America claim that Canada has weapons of mass destruction. We know this for a fact since most of the weapons are ours.

The Pentagon recommends attacking Canada in the middle of the night when the soldiers are most likely to be wrapped up in each other's arms in some kind of disgusting military orgy.

America, get ready for 20 cents a gallon gasoline.