President Bush adopts Bill Frist's health care cost control measures

The cost of medical treatment in the United States is spiralling out of control.

However, thanks to Senate majority leader Dr. Bill Frist, the President has a new weapon in his arsenal to keep health costs down.

President Bush was very impressed with Senator Dr. Frist's ability to diagnose a patient — in this case, Terry Schiavo — using a video cassette. Simply by screening the cassette, Dr. Frist could tell that Terry Schiavo was showing signs of life while doctors who were up close and personal thought she was in a persistent vegetative state.

The autopsy of Terry Schiavo provided ambiguous results — for instance, she still had a brain which God could have turned on any time He wanted to. However, Senator Dr. Frist's expertise in making a long-range diagnosis proved there's a lot of waste in our health system.

With modern technology, do doctors really have to see their patients in person?

Under President Bush's Better Than Ever Health Care Initiative:

Doctors will no longer maintain costly offices.

Instead of visiting doctors, sick people will go to a local medical video recording studio where they will record their symptoms on a digital camera. Rather than using expensive American-trained doctors, medical diagnoses will be out-sourced to cheap Indian doctors who will view the recordings and return a diagnosis, usually within 24 hours.

President Bush will introduce more faith-based medicine. Why should true believing Christians be using expensive drugs when a little prayer will be just as effective and a lot cheaper?

Because levels of faith among Americans vary, President Bush will ask America's most faithful Christians to voluntarily give up their federally subsidized drugs for cancer treatments, arthritis and diabetes. The administration expects 100% of these conservative, Christian Republicans will put their lives into the hands of God, allowing the administration to once again cut taxes.

When asked on Fox News about his video cassette diagnosis of Terry Schiavo, Senator Dr. Frist said, "Seeing and personally examining patients is highly over-rated."

He then said, "My Lexus mechanic better not be getting any ideas."

That Bill Frist is a funny guy.