Thank you President Bush for doing drugs on my behalf

A lot of liberals are going to be having fun at the President's expense because some cowardly "friend" happened to tape record George W. Bush off the record admitting to smoking marijuana. But like Jesus Christ dying for us, I believe George Bush smoked for us. I believe it was the hand of God that lit his doobies, just as it was God who first made him a drunkard. I believe God had President Bush arrested three times. I even believe God's hand was at the wheel of the car as Laura Bush plowed into a schoolmate. (God may have kept George W. Bush out of Vietnam too.)

Only by being a despicable youth, trying all the temptations that Satan can throw at a person, could George W. Bush know what he's talking about when he tells everyone else how to live their lives. (I also believe he's a strong opponent of abortion through experience with the procedure. Those Mexican gals are awfully susceptible to good-looking Texans and I know for a fact that President Bush isn't one to be using family planning devices.)

So once again, I thank you President Bush for living a life of debauchery so others won't have to.

By the way, you might remember that I mentioned how my brother with the retardation problem, Rick Bob, was arrested under the Patriot Act. (Advice: The FBI knows what the Bill of Rights is, so there's no need to bring it up when they question you.) Although we don't know where he's being detained, there was a picture of him on the Web this morning. He was wearing a nice orange suit and in the background, there were lots of palm trees, like he's on some Caribbean island. Maybe it's Guam because you can see a sign with the word cut off that says "Gua..." Anyway, it looks like the government is looking after him nicely.