Wednesday, February 01, 2006

"Addiction to oil" means innovative ideas

That was one heck of a State of the Union address that President Bush delivered. My Daddy called me this morning from Waco to say he stayed awake during almost all of it.

I've viewed the minutes from a recent Cabinet meeting in which the President expressed his belief that Americans are addicted to oil. Then he asked his Cabinet to come up with some innovative ideas to end the addiction. Here are some highlights. (This is kind of confidential, so I won't name names.)

SECRETARY 1: I know some folks that was addicted to cigarettes. They used the Patch to get themselves unaddicted. Maybe somebody could invent a Patch that goes over a car's gas tank.

SECRETARY 2: Maybe we could start locking up gasoline dealers for distribution of an illegal substance. Of course, we'd have to declare a War on Oil and make dealing oil illegal although I don't think simple possession should be dealt with harshly since we all got cars.

SECRETARY 3: Maybe every gas station would have to offer every motorist group therapy sessions. Before someone could fill up, a few folks would have to sit around and discuss why they need gas and if their life would be better if they could resist buying more gas..

SECRETARY 4: Economically speaking, gasoline is priced too low. Gasoline is the crack cocaine of energy. It's priced low enough so that virtually any deadbeat can afford to buy it. It needs to be priced like powder cocaine so that only the elite can afford it. Gasoline should be priced at $10 or $20 a gallon. At that price, America's addiction will drop significantly.

A NON-SECRETARY: F--k the addiction bulls--t and let's just invade those a--holes in Iran and pansies in Canada. At least we'll keep the f--king party in America going a few more f--king years.

PRESIDENT BUSH: I want to thank you all for your innovative suggestions. With this kind of thinking going on inside the Republican Party, I feel confident that America's oil problems will soon be a thing of the past.


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