Monday, November 21, 2005

Why Thanksgiving is Dick Cheney's favorite holiday

The other day, a bunch of us interns were hanging around the interns' lounge when Vice President Dick Cheney was walking past. So the VP stuck his head in and said, "What's up, kids?"

Pat said, "We're just gabbing about Thanksgiving. We do get the day off, right?" Everyone laughed including the Vice President who then stepped into the lounge.

"Yeah, we all get the day off," the VP said. "I don't supposed I've ever told you that Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday."

"Why's that?" I piped up impressed that the Vice President chose the one holiday devoted to thanking the Lord for his many blessings.

"Well, it goes back to when I was 12 years old," the VP said. "My dad gave me my first ax and said to go pick out a turkey in the farmyard and get it ready for dinner, if you know what I mean.

"What an honor my dad had bestowed on me. I was only 12 f--king years old and I was already responsible for killing the family's godd--n Thanksgiving bird." I think the Vice President's eyes were starting to get misty.

"Naturally, it was such a precious occasion that I wanted to stretch it out as much as possible. So I grabbed the ax and headed for the turkey pen. I looked at all those little mother f--kers and said, 'Which one of you little f--ks wants to die today.' I just loved the look of panic in their eyes when I showed them my new ax.

"I settled on a bird that we called Omar. I dragged him out the pen as he screamed in terror." The VP dabbed his eyes with his tie. "I could have just taken him to the chopping block and lopped off his head. But what fun would that have been? I wouldn't have been giving God his due.

"So I decided to nail his wings to a tree branch, kind of like an avian crucifix. Then I put a bag over his head figuring the darkness might scare him a bit more." The Vice President was looking off into the distance as though he were staring at Paradise.

"Then as he shrieked, I stuck a stick up the little bugger's rectum. That plump little bird was moving like a camel in a blender."

At this point, two of my co-interns ran out of the lounge holding their hands to their mouths. At least one of them didn't make it to the restroom in time.

Then the Vice President said, "Well, I guess I better get back to work. Can't spend all day reminiscing about my childhood."

I always enjoy stories about rural America. I guess times were simpler when Vice President Cheney was a youngster.

Vice President Dick Cheney is seen getting ready to
prepare the turkey for the Official White House
Thanksgiving Day dinner.


Blogger Christine Brannan said...

OH, Nancy Jo, I love morbid stories... but that one about had be running to the restroom, too.

Great job with showing and not just telling.. you old English professors would be proud.....

11:05 AM  
Blogger MadMustard said...

I always suspected that the Veep is 'my kind of guy'. You can't be a true-blue chicken hawk without being able to take on a cowardly turkey or two.

You are doing God’s work by assisting our beloved president.

I love the premise of your blog, it's as funny as hell! You have written some very funny stuff. I would like to link to this post and your blog.

1:16 AM  
Anonymous mark said...

Very funny.

4:23 PM  

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