Introducing...The Vegetative Patients' Bill of Rights

Wow. I just met the Reverend Senator Doctor Bill Frist. When I shook his hand, I felt I was touching a holy man.

The Reverend Senator was over here at the White House to meet up with Karl Rove to discuss the prevention of vegetative patients every dying again. Basically, Republicans would like to turn America into a Garden of Eden for vegetables...sorry, vegetative patients.

After Terry Schiavo's life was senselessly taken from her in the prime of her life, the Bush administration saw an opportunity to fight for what Republicans have always believed in: that no Christian should ever have to die under any circumstances (unless he's a criminal or doesn't have sufficient medical insurance).

With the Reverend Senator Frist leading the charge in the Senate, the Bush administration will propose The Vegetative Patients' Bill of Rights. Under this Republican-inspired legislation, the brain will no longer be considered that important. In determining life, the brain carries no more weight than any other organ such as the spleen or pancreas. The Bush administration believes it has the support of its fundamentalist Christian base when it comes to minimizing the value of thinking.

Under The Vegetative Patients' Bill of Rights, a vegetative patient will have the right to vote. However, due to the lack of dexterity, a patient may be deemed to have passed on his vote to a neutral surrogate such as a church or a specific organization such as the National Rifle Association, which can vote on his behalf.

Vegetative patients have the right to run for public office. Again, a lack of brain function should not be a determining factor in selecting America's representatives. Wasn't John Ashcroft beaten in his Senate race by a dead man? The Democrats set the precedent.

Vegetative patients will have the right to serve in such non-essential posts as Ambassador to the United Nations. In fact, being brain-dead will be seen as a positive factor in a prospect's selection.

The Reverend Sentator Frist will now be discussing the proposed legislation with his counterpart in the House, Leader Tom DeLay who is said to favor vegetative patients serving on the Ethics Committee.