Terrorism on the Delaware River

If you've been watching the news this past week, you've probably seen a story about a beluga whale getting lost and swimming up the Delaware River as far as Trenton, New Jersey.

While most Americans thought the little whale was cute, I can now tell you that the folks at Homeland Security were more than a little anxious.

In a report sent to Donald Rumsfeld that I read just before it was shredded, analysts at Homeland Security suggested that the beluga might have been trained by Al Qaeda to deliver a payload of nuclear or biological material to the American heartland. But more likely, a small Muslim suicide terrorist was sitting inside the whale's belly guiding the big fish. America could have been hit by its first carp bomb.

Because George Bush's administration is Bible-based, we know that a man inside a whale is entirely possible. I need say no more than Jonah. Analysts at Homeland Security have been thumbing through the Bible looking for other potential terrorist animals. Obviously, snakes come to mind. Can you imagine thousands of Al Qaeda-trained snakes, each carrying a stick of dynamite, heading toward major American cities?

To deal with the threat of animal suicide bombers, the Bush administration will be appointing a Special Director in charge of Alternative Intelligence.

A friend and classmate of Barney, President's Bush's cainine companion, J. Edgar Pooper is the ideal candidate to handle the new mandate of sniffing out potential attacks by non-human life-forms. J. Edgar is rabidly loyal to President Bush, a prime consideration in his selection.

Although the whale turned around and headed back toward the Atlantic without wreaking havoc on New Jersey, America has been warned. Marine life has been able to breach our nautical defenses.

But here at the Bush administration, we learn from our mistakes (although they are so rare we haven't learned much). Already, a color coding system is in place to warn of potential fish attacks. The highest alert level is salmon color. In fact, we will not be satisfied until every fish with the potential to terrorize America is turned into sushi.