Finally, a president who cares about the environment

Daddy's been cursing lately about the high cost of gas as he fills up his Navigator. With gas prices the highest they've ever been, I was starting to wonder if possibly, President Bush's policies might be having a detrimental effect on average Americans like Daddy.

I now feel ashamed that I would even think that President Bush wasn't completely in control of oil pricing. Until today, I just didn't understand that President Bush was adding more compassion to the environment.

Today, I was delivering a memo to Vice-President Cheney from the Republican public relations firm, Spin Doctors of America. It's the job of Spin Doctors to explain President Bush's complex policies to Americans in language that even liberals can understand. Here's a preview:

President Bush has long realized that auto emissions are getting into the air and polluting the environment.

Cheap gas makes drivers — especially foreign drivers like the French — wasteful by driving too much.

Therefore, by increasing the cost of gas, drivers worldwide will reduce their driving and help save the environment.

America invaded Iraq for the sole purpose of destabilizing oil prices and therefore, rescuing the environment.

America continues to build monster SUVs in order to consume gas faster, thus driving up the price for all drivers and therefore reducing the demand for gas and saving the environment.

Under President Bush, Americans can expect to see gas prices reach $5.00 a gallon, which will motivate car makers to develop new hybrid technologies such as half gas/half gerbil powered cars.

The Environmental Protection Agency will be dismantled saving American taxpayers millions of dollars. The money can then be used as incentives for coal and steel companies to voluntarily clean up their emissions.

Parkland in Alaska will be used for oil fields. By cutting national parks and minimizing the driving of park rangers, auto emissions will be reduced in sensitive areas.

After reading the memo, I realized that higher gas prices are really a small price to pay to make America the world leader in unpollutedness.
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