Arab Spring Soap?

I was watching Al Jezeera news the other day, checking up on what those folks are up to. All of a sudden there was this commercial and to see it, you wouldn't think Osama Bin Laden was dead.

Bin Laden was sitting in I guess some kind of oasis in the desert, surrounded by a bunch of ladies in burkas. Then a title appeared:
"The most interesting terrorist in the world." Then Bin Laden says, "I don't always wash but when I do, I prefer Arab Spring soap."

Then one of the ladies turns to the camera and say: "I like it too." Then she winks, which is about the only thing you can do inside a burka.

Then there's one last look at Bin Laden as he holds up the soap and says, "Stay dirty my friends."

Then the Arab Spring fades out.

I sure hope that Bin Laden was photoshopped or whatever. Otherwise, that President Obama has some explaining to do.

The Last Buggery of Christ

Being a graduate of the DeVry Evangelical College in Waco, I thought that I was pretty "up" with concepts in religion. But this Easter, I learned something completely new about our Lord, Jesus Christ. And, I reckon that if you're not a Catholic, you might find this kind of shocking.

Last weekend, when I attended homecoming at DeVry Evangelical, a priest had been invited to give a guest lecture. The priest, whose name I won't mention but serves at Our Lady of Perpetual Fondling, spoke about the Last Supper and the Resurrection. According to Papist beliefs, Jesus not only washed the feet of his Disciples, he allowed one of the twelve men with whom he shared his company to have his way with him. YUCK!!!

So, while a lot of folks are accusing priests of abusing children, in fact, these priests are simply re-enacting the Last Buggery of Christ — kind of like Christmas when folks re-enact the Nativity scene or at Easter when passionate Christians get nailed to a cross to re-enact the Crucifixion.

I reckon that if the Catholic religion requires children to be buggered, then I guess it's okay. After all, God wouldn't allow it if it weren't.

Christmas shopping with President Bush

Not many folks realize that from time to time, President Bush goes into public as just "regular folk", kind of like the Prince in The Prince and The Pauper book. Naturally he goes incognito. One of those occasions was the day after Thanksgiving, known to American shoppers as "Black Friday". If it never occurred to you, the President has a lot of gifts to buy before Christmas.

This year, President Bush arranged for me, his lowly intern, to take him shopping at a Baltimore mall, popular with African Americans who would least be likely to recognize him. I picked up the President at the airport at four in the morning. He had just flown in from Crawford where most folks thought he was spending all Thanksgiving weekend.

He hopped into my 1998 Corolla and we were off, followed by 12 Secret Service agents in three black Buicks. The President wasn't recognizable at all since he was dressed like a Hasidic Jew with a long black beard, dangling sideburns, a big black hat that wasn't a Stetson and a long black silk coat. Only the cowboy boots seemed out of place.

"I swear, Mr. President, even your mother wouldn't recognize you," I said as I drove quickly on the near-empty roads.

"I think she would," the Presdent said. "This is the outfit she wore on Halloween last year."

By the time we got to the mall, there was already quite a line-up at Wal-Mart. "Do we have to get in line?" the President asked.

I said that we could ask the Secret Service to butt in for us but folks might get suspicious of federal agents using their authority to get a religious Jew to the front of the line for Christmas shopping. He agreed, so we got into line with a lot of folks, mostly dark-skinned who looked at us kind of strange.

When the Secret Service agents, who I suppose might be mistaken for policemen, got out of their cars and started approaching the line, a lot of folks for some reason decided to step out of line and leave. So we moved up a lot quicker than we expected.

When the doors to Wal-Mart opened at six, the President and I were in the first wave to make it into the store. Unfortunately, the 12 Secret Service agents were being held back since the store had reached its limit. I'm not sure exactly what happened but I did see two elderly Wal-Mart greeters lying on the floor and the agents were soon surrounding us.

"Where do you want to start?" I asked the President.

"I reckon I ought to get Laura's present first," he replied.

"What kind of gift were you thinking of?" I asked.

"Something frilly. Something sexy. Some kind of lingerie to get a man interested, if you know what I mean. Ever since she made those nasty remarks about me at that Correspondents' Dinner—'asleep at nine every night'—I figure I better get back in the saddle, if you know what I mean."

I could feel my face burning red. The President continued,"But it's been hard to get excited about Laura since she goes to bed in these nightgowns that look like they're made of horse blankets. Do you think Wal-Mart's got a good lingerie department?"

"Maybe we should save that particular gift for later," I said. "I think there's a store in the mall that might specialize in that kind of item."

"But will the prices be as good as Wal-Mart's?" the President asked.

"Sir, I doubt it." So we went to the Wal-Mart Ladies' Department where the President, dressed like a Hasidic Jew, elbowed his way past what looked like the offensive line of the Dallas Cowboys and into a discount bin of see-through nighties.

"At this price," he shouted, "I'm getting two!"

"Okay," the President said enthusiastically. "Now for the Twins. I need something hip for them. Something really fashionable."

"This may not be the store..." I started to say but the President said, "I didn't fly all the way up from Crawford just to miss out on the great deals. Find me something hip and priced real good."

We fought our way through the throngs. The Secret Service made some effort to clear a path for us, pushing and punching a few shoppers. "Oy vey," the President said from time to time to maintain the illusion.

"How about those?" the President said pointing to a rack of Daisy Mae blouses, made in China for about a quarter a piece. "They look kind of pretty, Oy vey."

He grabbed two blouses, both red.

"Don't you think Jenna and Barb might want different colors?"

"Heck no, they're twins" the President replied. "They love dressing up alike."

"Now I need something for that old bat of a mother. I don't supposed they sell enema kits here, do they?" He waved a secret service agent over and asked him to check the pharmacy for enema kits. "Get the one with the widest hose, even if it costs more."

"What about your father?" I asked.

"Don't worry about him. He's starting to get forgetful. I'll just tell him that I just gave him whatever sweater he happens to be wearing. That'll make him happy."

For some reason, the shopping spree with the President of the United States wasn't turning out to be as much fun as I had expected.

To make a long story short, I left the mall carrying a small shopping bag with the President's gifts while the President pushed a shopping cart holding a 50 inch plasma screen TV he'd bought for himself that we put into my trunk and bungeed closed. I guess it was a successful shopping trip because the President seemed very happy. He was singing something that went "If I was a rich man" and he offered to buy me knish for lunch, whatever that is.

First Lady, First Dude and First Slut

Folks around the White House have been watching the Republican Convention with a lot of interest. As Vice President Cheney said, "It's as though the speeches were written with pitch forks to see how high they can pile it." I'm not sure what "it" is.

Anyway, whenever anyone said anything interesting, I kept a note of it. Here are a few random samples.

PRESIDENT BUSH: McCain the reformer. What bulls--t! The only thing I know that he ever reformed was his marriage after he came home from Viet Nam. He came home expecting a pretty young wife and what he had was a fat, disabled wife. So he reformed his marriage and got himself a rich trophy wife. Actually, I've seen bowling trophies that seemed less frigid than her.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Why the f--k did McCain choose that no-nothing tw-t from Canada's armpit, Alaska. He dumped his wife for a pretty girl and now he dumps common sense for another pretty girl.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Do you think the Evangelists will put two and two together. I mean, what more sign from God do they need than Governor Palin gives birth to a Down Syndrome baby at exactly the same time that her daughter is screwing around.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: I heard someone in the press corps refer to the daughter as the First Slut. I suppose after the shotgun wedding to the statutory rapist, everything will simmer down. I wonder when that boy proposed marriage? I wonder if he even did, the poor schmuck? I'll bet if the McCain ticket doesn't win, there'll be no marriage at all. Just another teenage highschooler with a bastard hanging off her tit.

PRESIDENT BUSH: I wouldn't be surprised if the McCain goes after the base by suggesting that Jesus was a bastard so there's nothing wrong with Palin's grandkid being a bastard. After all, it's no secret that Sarah was in a family way when she married the First Dude.

Anyway, I know everyone at the White House is very supportive of the McCain-Palin ticket.

Barack Obama: America's "training" Negro

The other day, I had the privilege of sitting in on a conversation about politics led by President George W. Bush.

BUSH: You wanna know why this Obama fella is doin' so well? It's cause Americans like the idea of giving a minority person an opportunity but ain't prepared to make a full-time minority person the president.

RICE: I don't understand sir. What's a full-time minority person?

BUSH: Well Condi, that would be you. You're 100% Negro.

RICE: Person of color.

BUSH: Right. You are full time. But this Obama fella, he's only half black and half white.

RICE: So you're saying he's not a person of color.

BUSH: What I'm saying is that Americans are like little children. You don't just put them on a bicycle and expect them to ride. Ya gotta put some training wheels on the bike until they get used to it. Same for the presidency. You just can't expect Americans to accept a real black person to be elected. Americans needs a training Negro and that Obama fits the bill.

CHENEY: Some people thought Condi might have made a good candidate being both black and a woman.

BUSH: Dick, that's just plain dumb. Being a full-time black person and woman is like four strikes against her. The reason Hillary's losin' is cause Americans aren't prepared to put a full-time woman into the White House.

CHENEY: I don't think they make "training" women...anyway, not real ones.

BUSH: You know who would have been a good Republican candidate? Larry Craig. A white man who is kinda gay, which to most Americans is kinda like a training woman.

So I said: Maybe Mary Cheney because she's kind of half woman and...

I don't think I will be on Vice-president Cheney's Christmas card list this year.

Mike Huckabee and the Mormons

It kind of surprised me the other day when Mike Huckabee asked a New York Times reporter (probably a Jew) whether Mormons believe that Jesus Christ and Satan are brothers. It seems to me that the Rev. Huckabee ought to know since he was one of my visiting professors at the DeVry Evangelical Institute in Waco, TX.

The Rev. Huckabee taught a course called "Lesser Faiths 101".

Along with Judaism, Islam, Catholicism, Hinduism and Paganism, the Rev. Huckabee taught us all about Mormonism. I've still got my notes. So according to the Rev. Huckabee:

— Mormon Church: should be called Church of Latter Day Ain'ts. Ain't Christian, ain't holy, ain't no way Smith was a prophet.

— Not only do they believe that Jesus and Satan are brothers, Mormons believe the brothers are both married to a woman named Betty. (I'm not sure if it's the same woman or two women, both named Betty.)

— Mormons refer to the virgin birth as the Rape of Mary.

Anyway, if Mitt Romney wants to know anything about being a Mormon, all he has to do is ask the Rev. Huckabee.

Karl Rove: "I was always against the war in Iraq"

It turns out the reason that Karl Rove left the White House before President Bush's term was over was because the President failed to heed his advice on Iraq. I know this because I accidently got a preview of Mr. Rove's upcoming memoir, "As American as a Hand Gun in Church". (All memoirs that might have National Security implications have to be vetted by the government before they can be published. That's how I saw Mr. Rove's manuscript.)

According to Mr. Rove, he fought against the invasion of Iraq based on the Weapons of Mass Destruction scenario. He writes:

I was always against the war in Iraq. I knew Saddam Hussein for years. He was one of my Facebook friends. I knew he liked to talk tough but inside he was a marshmallow. There was no way he would have WMDs. Whenever he killed ten or twenty thousand people, it was always with conventional weapons.

Mr. Rove points out that it was the Congressional Democrats who forced the President into a war. He writes:

President Bush was in no mood to attack Iraq. After all, he had focused all of his attention on finding Obama bin Laden. (I'm not sure if this is a typo or not.) In fact, Democrats like Pelosi and Biden and especially Hillary Clinton demanded a quick vote on attacking Iraq. And because the President is a "uniter", he decided to let the Democrats have their way. But I was against it.

Mr. Rove discusses how Vice-President Cheney ruined the Rove legacy. He writes:

I had created the greatest legacy America had ever seen, greater than Washington, greater than Lincoln. After all, Washington was an actual war hero and Lincoln was a brilliant thinker. I was able to take someone who [description to be finalized before printing] and mold him into a person who could twice be elected to the highest office in the land without an iota of original thought, courage or even the ability to communicate his thoughts, had he had any. Then Cheney, who had been playing "Doom" non-stop for six weeks got it into his head to attack Iraq for no good reason. I'm pretty sure that video game had made him psychotic. Anyway, instead of being remembered as the master president-maker, I'll just be remembered like Pinocchio's father.

I had no idea that Mr. Rove was so prescient.

The Mitt Romney Musical

Here's something interesting about one of the leading Republican presidential candidates.

As you might have heard, Gov. Romney is a Mormon. When he was in college in Utah, he had the lead part in the all-Mormon musical production of "Seven Brides for Two Brothers."

The liberalization of Saudi Arabia

As you probably know, Saudi Arabia is among America’s closest friends and allies. So you can imagine the disappointment that President Bush felt when he heard that the victim of a gang rape, a 19-year-old woman, was sentenced to six months in jail and 200 lashes for being raped.

Being the compassionate conservative that he is, President Bush requested that the Saudi Ambassador to the United States come to the White House for a little informal gab. The President was going to use the opportunity to press for leniency for the young rape victim.

“Mr. Ambassador, I’ll come right to the point. We in American think it’s a little barbaric to punish the victim of a crime.”

“Are you suggesting we liberalize our laws?” asked the Ambassador.

“Well, I wouldn’t want to use the word ‘liberal’. Just make them a bit more democratic.”

“But the reason you like Saudi Arabia so much is because we’re not democratic at all. All the democratic countries in the Mideast hate America.”

“Yeah, you got me there. Still, I can’t be seen being close friends with folks who whip the living daylights out of girl who was gang raped. You’ve got to see this from my point of view.”

“Of course, Mr. President. We are not the Philistines you think we are.”

“I didn’t say you lived in Gaza.”

“That’s Palestinians. Philistines are, well never mind.”

"All I'm sayin', Mr. Ambassador, is that 200 lashes is too high a price to pay for being a victim."

"May I point out, that like America, Saudi Arabia has mandatory sentencing."

"I wasn't aware that you people are usin' our initiatives to model your justice system after."

"Yes, we are great admirers of American justice. We've always been impressed by your record as Texas governor. What was it? 145 executions and no reprieves."

"You're makin' me blush," the President said. "It's 147 by the way."

"Mr. President, there was a time in Saudi Arabia when a woman such as this would have been executed for being raped. Today, she will live a full, happy life, once out of prison. Here in America, your young people have tattoos and piercings. Our young woman will have welts. Not much difference."

"I reckon you've got a point. So you're sayin' you folks are gettin' more lenient in your justice system."

"Oh, absolutely. I remember once years ago, a school teacher said that not all Jews were the children of Satan. In those days, we dropped that teacher into a vat of boiling oil. Today, that same teacher would simply be beheaded."

"Very progressive," the President said.

"I remember a friend's sister as a child. She crossed the road on a green light but was struck by a driver going through a red light. A girl has no business being on the road without a male relative. Although she wasn't killed by the driver, the driver had the right to run her over again until she was dead."

"Did he? Run her over again."

"Of course. The law is the law."

As the ambassador was leaving the Oval Office, President Bush shouted out, "Maybe when you folks whip that girl, you can count by twos." The President is always thinking of ways to make the world a little bit better place.

Mitt Romney supports gay marriage

Governor Mitt Romney stopped in at the White House the other day for a chat with President Bush and Vice President Cheney. As I was carrying coffee into the Oval Office, I heard Vice President Cheney ask Mr. Romney how he intended to handle the gay marriage question.

Mr. Romney: "That's easy. I have no trouble with gay people marrying each other as long as the couple includes a gay man and a lesbian woman."

Unfortunately, I couldn't stay in the room long enough to hear how he intended to deal with abortion.

The Democrats are definitely racist

This morning, I was back on shredding duty. Usually, I just shred boring documents but today I discovered a strategic report from Karl Rove that I thought might interest you, my loyal readers.

According to Mr. Rove's strategic report, "The Achilles' Heel of the Democratic Party", it turns out that the Democrats are outright racists. Here are some facts:

- The Democrats are attacking Attorney General Alberto Gonzales because he is Hispanic. According to Mr. Rove's rationale, the U.S. attorneys who were fired are white, so the Democrats are protecting them by accusing a Mexican-American of wrong-doing.

- The Democrats are against the War in Iraq because it was conceived by two Black people — Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice. The Democrats just can't abide by the fact that Black people have a right to start wars, just like white folks.

- The Democrats want to leave Iraq without getting the job done because they hate Muslims. Only the Bush administration cares enough about Muslims to commit more troops to Iraq to prevent a civil war.

- The Democrats want to keep Black people poor. When President Bush seeks tax cuts for upper income Americans, who is he helping? Multi-millionaire basketball players, football players and baseball players. And who are these rich athletes? They're mostly Black people. But the Democrats want these Black people to pay more taxes so they have less money to spend in their own communities so that Black Cadillac dealers and Black bling dealers are forced out of business.

Once this report is made public, I'd sure be embarrassed being a Democrat.

"We will not lose the war in Iraq," President Bush proclaims

The other morning, I was delivering some paperwork to the Oval Office and was totally surprised to be invited into a meeting of President Bush and his closest advisers.

"Monica," the President said.

"It's Nancy Jo, sir," I repeated for the hundredth time.

"Right, right," the President said. "Listen, we're just throwing around some ideas and we want to know what a common person — someone like you — might think."

"I'd be honored," I said as I wondered if I had just been insulted.

"Now, we in the White House know the war in Iraq is going exactly as planned..."

"F**king d**n straight," Vice President Cheney interjected.

"...but it seems to the American people that things are going awry."

"Well sir," I said. "I know a lot of folks were hoping American troops would be coming home after five years and instead you intend a troop surge."

"I'm reconsidering all that," the President said. "It turns out there's an option that we haven't considered. We can bring the troops home immediately and still win the war."

I was very excited at that prospect. "I'm sure the American public would love that solution. But how can you do it?"

"Dick," the President said, "want to explain it?"

"Abso-f**king-lutely," the VP said. "First, we're going to get every one of our troops out of Iraq by June 30th."

"That's fantastic," I said. "But won't that lead to an all-out civil war between the Sunnis and Shiites?"

"This is where our new plan comes into play. Instead of letting those Muslims kill each other, we use all-out American force — Cruise missiles, nukes, B-52s, strafing, you name it — to devastate the population. Get it? We kill them before they get chance to kill each other. I mean there won't be a f**king, c**ksucking Iraqi left with the strength or will to lift a rifle by the time we're through."

I think I just stood there staring with my mouth open. President Bush was smiling.

"It's a f**king win-win for the administration," the VP said. "Our troops are out before the f**king Democrats can get them out. And we bomb the s**t out of Iraq so there's no doubt as to winning the war. And believe me, the cost of bombing is way less than the cost of maintaining an army. So Monica..."

"Nancy Jo."

"...whatever, do you see a downside?"

"I thought we were bringing democracy to Iraq."

The President spoke. "I reckon I've got to admit to making a mistake. I think the American people will understand that Iraq just wasn't ready for democracy. Those folks are just too primitive to understand how democracy works. Besides, by the time we're finished wiping those Iraqis out, there ain't gonna be enough people to vote anyway."

"Couldn't we just withdraw our troops without bombing Iraq back to the Stone Age?"

"That would be cuttin' and runnin'," President Bush said. "That would make us responsible for their civil war and make us look weak. No, if we're leaving Iraq, we've got to leave on Republican terms. I think killin' a few million Iraqis ought to ensure there's no civil war. It'll also compensate America for the World Trade Center. So Mon...Nancy Jo...you don't have any problem with the plan, do you?"

"It's obviously as well thought out as everything else you've undertaken."

President Bush grinned. "Why thank you, Nancy Jo."

Global warming: Over 6 billion people will perish in the next hundred years

A lot of folks have been wondering why President Bush hopped aboard the global warming bandwagon during his State of the Union speech. It turns out the President has received confidential environmental intelligence about the future of the world.

It seems Senator Hagel was visiting the Oval Office and discussing the fact that thousands of Iraqis and American troops are dying each year.

Then Vice-President Cheney piped up and said thousands of deaths are nothing. He said that there are over six billion people in the world and within a century, they will all be dead.

"Jesus!" President Bush exclaimed. "Six billion people are going to die? How come, Dick?"

"Global warming, sir."

"Are you telling me everybody's going to die because of global warming?" asked the President.

"Yes, sir." For some reason, Vice-President Cheney then chuckled.

I understand that when President Bush talked about fighting global warming in his State of the Union address, Vice-President Cheney seemed very surprised.

President Bush really likes Mike Nifong

The Monday morning after President Bush appeared on 60 Minutes, I was lucky enough to be delivering some paperwork to the Oval Office when the President was sitting around with cabinet members and staffers discussing the show. I had the opportunity to sit in for a while.

VICE-PRESIDENT CHENEY: You were brilliant last night, Mr. President. I expect the American public will DEMAND that we surge our forces in Iraq.

PRESIDENT BUSH: I sure hope so. You don't think I came across a bit nervous-looking last night? You know I hate talking to reporters — even if I have all their questions in advance and answers printed out for me to read.

CHENEY: You were fantastic.

BUSH: You know who really is fantastic. That Mike Nifong fella.

SECRETARY GATES: You mean the prosecutor in the Duke rape case? That Durham district attorney?

BUSH: Yep. I was watching the Duke story after my interview. You know, you had those weepy parents of the accused rapists.

GATES: Actually, the rape charges have been dropped against the Duke defendants. The alleged victim recanted her story.

BUSH: Yeah, I know. And still that Nifong fella ain't about to let those Duke boys off the hook. He's like a dog on a stew bone. That's the kind of prosecutor we need down in Gitmo.

GATES: I don't understand, sir.

BUSH: Well, we got us cages full of potential terrorists down in Gitmo but we don't have a timbleful of evidence against most of them. We need someone who can move forward without evidence, without regard to rights and civil liberties.

CHENEY: I think you've really got something there. Did you think of this yourself?

BUSH: Sure did. You know, I bet this Nifong fella could build me a treason case against that Nancy Pelosi and few other Democrats. Get me that Nifong fella on the phone.

At that point, someone asked for a coffee and I had to leave.

How President Bush decided to add 21,500 more troops in Iraq

As you can probably figure out, being the "decider-in-chief" is a pretty tough job. A lot of folks would probably like to know how President Bush reaches the decisions that affect so many lives.

Simply stated, he leaves his decisions to God, our Lord, our Saviour.

For instance, take the decision to send another 21,500 troops to Iraq on top of the 132,000 troops already there — that's if you don't count the 3,000 troops who already died defending the Iraqi democracy.

A lot of folks including quite a few disloyal Republicans and the voters who gave Congress to the Democrats want the President to begin withdrawing troops from Iraq just because our mission wasn't accomplished quite as quickly as we anticipated. Even though I think these folks are just crybabies, President Bush does have to take their viewpoint into account.

On the hand, the viewpoint that I share with President Bush and a few other folks such as the vice-president, is that we need to send a lot more troops into Iraq because nothing else seems to be working.

So how did President Bush finally decide what to do? He used his God dart board. The dart board is modified with every decision President Bush asks of the Lord. In this case, the God dart board contained 36 sections. One section, the blue section, read "Withdraw troops." The 35 red sections each read "Increase troop levels by..." and then there were numbers from 10,000 to 43,000. There was also one bonus section for an increase of 100,000 troops.

Because of the importance of the decision, the God dart board was moved from the family room to the Oval Office.

With one dart in his hand and standing exactly eight and a half feet away from the board, President Bush looked skywards and asked God what he should do. Then he threw the dart. Then he threw the dart again four or five times until he actually hit the board. But on the time that he did hit the board, the dart's point struck the line between 21,000 and 22,000.

"I reckon the Lord is telling me to send another 21,500 troops," President Bush said before going off for his morning bike ride.

I don't understand how so many Americans can be angry at President Bush when he is simply following the will of God.