"We will not lose the war in Iraq," President Bush proclaims
The other morning, I was delivering some paperwork to the Oval Office and was totally surprised to be invited into a meeting of President Bush and his closest advisers.
"Monica," the President said.
"It's Nancy Jo, sir," I repeated for the hundredth time.
"Right, right," the President said. "Listen, we're just throwing around some ideas and we want to know what a common person — someone like you — might think."
"I'd be honored," I said as I wondered if I had just been insulted.
"Now, we in the White House know the war in Iraq is going exactly as planned..."
"F**king d**n straight," Vice President Cheney interjected.
"...but it seems to the American people that things are going awry."
"Well sir," I said. "I know a lot of folks were hoping American troops would be coming home after five years and instead you intend a troop surge."
"I'm reconsidering all that," the President said. "It turns out there's an option that we haven't considered. We can bring the troops home immediately and still win the war."
I was very excited at that prospect. "I'm sure the American public would love that solution. But how can you do it?"
"Dick," the President said, "want to explain it?"
"Abso-f**king-lutely," the VP said. "First, we're going to get every one of our troops out of Iraq by June 30th."
"That's fantastic," I said. "But won't that lead to an all-out civil war between the Sunnis and Shiites?"
"This is where our new plan comes into play. Instead of letting those Muslims kill each other, we use all-out American force — Cruise missiles, nukes, B-52s, strafing, you name it — to devastate the population. Get it? We kill them before they get chance to kill each other. I mean there won't be a f**king, c**ksucking Iraqi left with the strength or will to lift a rifle by the time we're through."
I think I just stood there staring with my mouth open. President Bush was smiling.
"It's a f**king win-win for the administration," the VP said. "Our troops are out before the f**king Democrats can get them out. And we bomb the s**t out of Iraq so there's no doubt as to winning the war. And believe me, the cost of bombing is way less than the cost of maintaining an army. So Monica..."
"...whatever, do you see a downside?"
"I thought we were bringing democracy to Iraq."
The President spoke. "I reckon I've got to admit to making a mistake. I think the American people will understand that Iraq just wasn't ready for democracy. Those folks are just too primitive to understand how democracy works. Besides, by the time we're finished wiping those Iraqis out, there ain't gonna be enough people to vote anyway."
"Couldn't we just withdraw our troops without bombing Iraq back to the Stone Age?"
"That would be cuttin' and runnin'," President Bush said. "That would make us responsible for their civil war and make us look weak. No, if we're leaving Iraq, we've got to leave on Republican terms. I think killin' a few million Iraqis ought to ensure there's no civil war. It'll also compensate America for the World Trade Center. So Mon...Nancy Jo...you don't have any problem with the plan, do you?"
"It's obviously as well thought out as everything else you've undertaken."
President Bush grinned. "Why thank you, Nancy Jo."