Global warming: Over 6 billion people will perish in the next hundred years

A lot of folks have been wondering why President Bush hopped aboard the global warming bandwagon during his State of the Union speech. It turns out the President has received confidential environmental intelligence about the future of the world.

It seems Senator Hagel was visiting the Oval Office and discussing the fact that thousands of Iraqis and American troops are dying each year.

Then Vice-President Cheney piped up and said thousands of deaths are nothing. He said that there are over six billion people in the world and within a century, they will all be dead.

"Jesus!" President Bush exclaimed. "Six billion people are going to die? How come, Dick?"

"Global warming, sir."

"Are you telling me everybody's going to die because of global warming?" asked the President.

"Yes, sir." For some reason, Vice-President Cheney then chuckled.

I understand that when President Bush talked about fighting global warming in his State of the Union address, Vice-President Cheney seemed very surprised.

President Bush really likes Mike Nifong

The Monday morning after President Bush appeared on 60 Minutes, I was lucky enough to be delivering some paperwork to the Oval Office when the President was sitting around with cabinet members and staffers discussing the show. I had the opportunity to sit in for a while.

VICE-PRESIDENT CHENEY: You were brilliant last night, Mr. President. I expect the American public will DEMAND that we surge our forces in Iraq.

PRESIDENT BUSH: I sure hope so. You don't think I came across a bit nervous-looking last night? You know I hate talking to reporters — even if I have all their questions in advance and answers printed out for me to read.

CHENEY: You were fantastic.

BUSH: You know who really is fantastic. That Mike Nifong fella.

SECRETARY GATES: You mean the prosecutor in the Duke rape case? That Durham district attorney?

BUSH: Yep. I was watching the Duke story after my interview. You know, you had those weepy parents of the accused rapists.

GATES: Actually, the rape charges have been dropped against the Duke defendants. The alleged victim recanted her story.

BUSH: Yeah, I know. And still that Nifong fella ain't about to let those Duke boys off the hook. He's like a dog on a stew bone. That's the kind of prosecutor we need down in Gitmo.

GATES: I don't understand, sir.

BUSH: Well, we got us cages full of potential terrorists down in Gitmo but we don't have a timbleful of evidence against most of them. We need someone who can move forward without evidence, without regard to rights and civil liberties.

CHENEY: I think you've really got something there. Did you think of this yourself?

BUSH: Sure did. You know, I bet this Nifong fella could build me a treason case against that Nancy Pelosi and few other Democrats. Get me that Nifong fella on the phone.

At that point, someone asked for a coffee and I had to leave.

How President Bush decided to add 21,500 more troops in Iraq

As you can probably figure out, being the "decider-in-chief" is a pretty tough job. A lot of folks would probably like to know how President Bush reaches the decisions that affect so many lives.

Simply stated, he leaves his decisions to God, our Lord, our Saviour.

For instance, take the decision to send another 21,500 troops to Iraq on top of the 132,000 troops already there — that's if you don't count the 3,000 troops who already died defending the Iraqi democracy.

A lot of folks including quite a few disloyal Republicans and the voters who gave Congress to the Democrats want the President to begin withdrawing troops from Iraq just because our mission wasn't accomplished quite as quickly as we anticipated. Even though I think these folks are just crybabies, President Bush does have to take their viewpoint into account.

On the hand, the viewpoint that I share with President Bush and a few other folks such as the vice-president, is that we need to send a lot more troops into Iraq because nothing else seems to be working.

So how did President Bush finally decide what to do? He used his God dart board. The dart board is modified with every decision President Bush asks of the Lord. In this case, the God dart board contained 36 sections. One section, the blue section, read "Withdraw troops." The 35 red sections each read "Increase troop levels by..." and then there were numbers from 10,000 to 43,000. There was also one bonus section for an increase of 100,000 troops.

Because of the importance of the decision, the God dart board was moved from the family room to the Oval Office.

With one dart in his hand and standing exactly eight and a half feet away from the board, President Bush looked skywards and asked God what he should do. Then he threw the dart. Then he threw the dart again four or five times until he actually hit the board. But on the time that he did hit the board, the dart's point struck the line between 21,000 and 22,000.

"I reckon the Lord is telling me to send another 21,500 troops," President Bush said before going off for his morning bike ride.

I don't understand how so many Americans can be angry at President Bush when he is simply following the will of God.

President Bush's first draft for Gerald Ford eulogy

Because of the holidays and all, I've fallen a bit behind in my White House intern duties including running the shredder. So it was only yesterday that I came across this:

EULOGY FOR GERRY FORD
Draft #1

As many of you know, former President of the United States Gerald Ford died recently.

Gerry Ford was the kind of man I like to call non-evil. Although not a particularly strong president, as I am, Gerry did mentor two of my finest advisers — Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld. And for this, America has much to be thankful.

Gerry had the misfortune to be at the helm when America experienced its only war loss, if you don't count the War of 1812 when them sneaky Canadians came to Washington and burned down the White House. So everyone remembers Gerry as being the Vietnam loser. I've learned a great lesson from Gerry's experience. The War in Iraq will not end on my watch.

When American troops leave Iraq it'll probably be on John McCain's watch or that of some unfortunate Democrat like Hillary Clinton or that Obama fellow. Nobody remembers who starts a war but everyone remembers who loses it. Sorry Gerry for rubbing it in. But you were a loser.

Gerry will also be remembered for pardoning Richard Nixon after President Nixon resigned during what is now known as the Watergate Scandal. Because President Nixon was never impeached nor prosecuted, we'll never know if the President was guilty of anything.

Gerry was married to his wife Betty, an acknowledged drunk and drug abuser, for a long, long time. The fact that Gerry could forgive someone like that shows the compassion and charity he had in his heart.

Gerry will always be remembered as the accidental president unlike me who had the full support of the majority of the Supreme Court. Even though Gerry wasn't elected to the office of the Presidency, he managed not to screw it up too badly. And for this, the nation is eternally grateful.


[Dick, Harriet, Condi...any comments?]