President Bush's first draft for Gerald Ford eulogy

Because of the holidays and all, I've fallen a bit behind in my White House intern duties including running the shredder. So it was only yesterday that I came across this:

EULOGY FOR GERRY FORD
Draft #1

As many of you know, former President of the United States Gerald Ford died recently.

Gerry Ford was the kind of man I like to call non-evil. Although not a particularly strong president, as I am, Gerry did mentor two of my finest advisers — Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld. And for this, America has much to be thankful.

Gerry had the misfortune to be at the helm when America experienced its only war loss, if you don't count the War of 1812 when them sneaky Canadians came to Washington and burned down the White House. So everyone remembers Gerry as being the Vietnam loser. I've learned a great lesson from Gerry's experience. The War in Iraq will not end on my watch.

When American troops leave Iraq it'll probably be on John McCain's watch or that of some unfortunate Democrat like Hillary Clinton or that Obama fellow. Nobody remembers who starts a war but everyone remembers who loses it. Sorry Gerry for rubbing it in. But you were a loser.

Gerry will also be remembered for pardoning Richard Nixon after President Nixon resigned during what is now known as the Watergate Scandal. Because President Nixon was never impeached nor prosecuted, we'll never know if the President was guilty of anything.

Gerry was married to his wife Betty, an acknowledged drunk and drug abuser, for a long, long time. The fact that Gerry could forgive someone like that shows the compassion and charity he had in his heart.

Gerry will always be remembered as the accidental president unlike me who had the full support of the majority of the Supreme Court. Even though Gerry wasn't elected to the office of the Presidency, he managed not to screw it up too badly. And for this, the nation is eternally grateful.


[Dick, Harriet, Condi...any comments?]