Rumsfeld: "If I did it, here's how I would have handled the War in Iraq"

As I was emptying waste paper baskets the other day, I came across an interesting piece of paper headlined "Book Proposal." It turns out, former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is already preparing to write a book about his experience in the Bush administration. Here are some of the chapters Mr. Rumsfeld is considering:

1/ Why I considered Saddam Hussein a stabilizing force in the Mideast

2/ I'd like to see a lot more proof regarding Weapons of Mass Destruction

3/ Why is that Cheney A--hole always pressuring me to go to war?

4/ Every time I sugggest diplomacy, I'm shot down

5/ I wish the President wouldn't take Saddam so personally

6/ "Axis of Evil" seems a bit harsh: How about "Countries we need to influence"?

7/ Whatever we do, don't disband the Iraqi army

8/ Abu Ghraib: I told them kindness is the best approach for terrorists

9/ Why did Colin Powell have to lie to the United Nations?

10/ If I were in charge, here's what I would have done differently

I can't wait to read Mr. Rumsfeld's book.

Kool-Aid at the White House

Folks are always asking me about the "behind-the-scenes" stuff that goes on at the White House. So here's an interesting tidbit you probably didn't hear about on TV.

Right after it was officially declared that the Democrats had won control of both the House and the Senate, Vice-President Cheney brought a gigantic pitcher of Kool-Aid to the White House Rose Garden. Then he gathered all the staff together and said, "If you people are truly loyal to the President, you'll drink a glass."

I've never seen so many faces drained of blood in a single place. Nobody moved.

Well, there's nobody more loyal to the President than me and Kool-Aid has always been among my favorite beverages, particularly grape, which unfortunately this batch wasn't. So I went forward to get a glass.

People were screaming and yelling; "Are you crazy?" "Don't do it." "He's not worth it."

I have no idea why those folks were so perturbed about a glass of Kool-Aid. It can be very refreshing.

Anyway, Vice-President Cheney handed me a glass of America's favorite beverage and just as I was about to take my first sip, he grabbed the glass from my hand and drank the Kool-Aid himself. Then he looked at the crowd of staffers with what I can only describe as a Satanic smile. Then he grabbed at his throat and began to choke like he was having another one of his heart attacks. Then he fell to the floor, still and lifeless.

Then there were more screams: "He's dead." "He's killed himself." "Another Jonestown." (Whatever that means.)

As staffers continued screaming and crying, Vice-President Cheney stood up laughing heartily. "It's a joke," he said. Then he turned to me and said, "Little girl, you've got balls." (I'm pretty sure I don't.)

Anyway, I still don't get the joke and most folks around the office are still kind of mad at the Vice President.

A day of mourning at the White House

As you probably heard, the godless Democrats have assumed power in Congress. That's a shame because according to President Bush's plan, we were only weeks away from victory in Iraq. Now with the Democrats meddling in everything President Bush wants to accomplish, it's likely that the Iraqi situation will go on for a lot longer. Around the White House, they're already calling it the "Democrats' War."

It's so difficult to believe that so many Americans turned on the Republican Party and just when we were set to put an end to abortions, same-sex marriage and stem cell research. America was within inches of Paradise and now it's slipped away.

Anyway, as you can imagine, it's a pretty sad day around the White House. I've been taking notes, so here are a few observations.

It's proper protocol for the President to call and congratulate the new Speaker of the House.

CHENEY: Are you calling the f--king c--t Pelosi?

BUSH: It's the right thing to do.

CHENEY: Tell her I'd like to take her f--king ass hunting.

I thought that was a very nice gesture on the part of the Vice President, even if the language was a bit salty.

Later the President spoke to Karl Rove.

BUSH: So what happened Turd Blossom?

ROVE: Those Democrats used an awful lot of dirty tricks against our people.

BUSH: Like what?

ROVE: Those Democrats kept talking about Republicans.

BUSH: I guess we didn't stand a chance.

Then Donald Rumsfeld showed up to resign.

BUSH: So I hear you're quitting Rummy.

RUMSFELD: That's right, Mr. President.

BUSH: Cuttin' and runnin'.

RUMSFELD: You bet.

Later on, the President received some strange news in the form of a wedding invitation. It seems Mark Foley and Ted Haggard are getting ready to marry. The Reverend Haggard was wondering if the President would give him away.

President Bush:"We need 'gaydar' technology"

It turns out that the Reverend Ted Haggard scandal kept President Bush working all weekend. The President only got to see three football games. The President was working on a memo for America's scientific community, which he intends to release in a few days. In the meantime, I got hold of a draft just before it was shredded, so you can appreciate that the President is always thinking about important things.

TO: ALL SCIENTISTS

FROM: THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES GEORGE W. BUSH

As you know by now, Ted Haggard, a man who walked around the White House freely dispensing all kinds of advice that I took, has turned out to be a pervert. The question is, how can that happen?

How is it possible for moral evil-doers like homosexuals to walk among us and just seem so normal? I thought God gave those people weak wrists and lisps so we truly normal people could recognize them and keep our distance (no offense to Mary Cheney).

I treated Ted Haggard like an equal, like a person I'd go hunting with and even pee with in the woods. Now I realize that Haggard was memorizing my private parts to use for later fantasies and I'm feeling ill about it.

American know-how has come up with all kinds of truly great technologies from the television to the tiny ipod TV. Now I'm asking you, America's scientists, to develop a truly important technology. Since you folks are no longer working on stem cell research, I want you to put your time into something truly important: gaydar research.

America is falling behind in gaydar technology and it is hurting our nation.

I know the Democrats don't think gaydar is important because all their homos are happy to step forward and admit it. But it seems we Republicans and devout Christians are infiltrated by homos who only seem to come out at the most embarrassing moments. If Mark Foley didn't cost us the mid-terms, surely that pervert Haggard will.

So here's what I'm asking of you. I want a machine, something hand-held preferrably, that White House security can use to check all folks who enter to ensure they are not gay. Maybe something that can read people's DMA (DNA?) like those CSI folks use. Funding is not a problem. I'll get the money from Medicare and maybe the Pentagon, which I'm sure would like to weed out gay troops.

(I suppose if I supported gay marriage, then it might be pretty easy to figure out who's gay but I still believe technology is the way to go.)

In the war against different-sex terrorists, America must win. Scientists, get to work on gaydar!

Thank you,
GWB

Ted Haggard's commencement address

As you probably know, I'm a graduate of the DeVry Evangelical Institute of Waco, Texas. I'm proud to be a Registered Divinity Assistant although my faith in Evangelicalism is currently being tested. The Reverend Ted Haggard has admitted to doing a Rush Limbaugh — purchasing illicit drugs. Whether Mr. Limbaugh has ever purchased illicit sex from a gay prostitute, I can only hope not. All this on the same day that it was announced that the Republican Party has long accepted money from pornography manufacturers. As you can imagine, today has not been a good day for me.

As I was looking through my things, I came across the commencement address that the Reverend Ted Haggard delivered to the graduating students of the DeVry Evangelical Institute a few years back. It's quite moving. I hope you can all see it in your hearts to not think too badly of the Reverend Haggard, once you've read his fine words.

"Students. I envy your opportunities to go forth and do Christian work grandly.

"There's nothing like good hard work, the kind where a young man is bent over in the field, the muscles of his hard thighs rippling with each effort to bring the joy of Jesus to his loins.

"It's important to feel God in everything you do. Feel God as he caresses your shoulders after a hard day of work, as he massages your back so deeply, as his hands work out the knots in your lower back. O Lord, it feels so good.

"I know that once you leave these hallowed halls of Christian education, you'll feel temptation. The temptation to have sex, the temptation to call up a man, maybe a man you know and see once a month, a man who can get you drugs whenever you want them. Say no to temptation. I know I do."

The Revenend's speech went on for a while longer but there was absolutely no indication that he was anything buy a fine, upstanding Christian example to us all.