President Bush:"We need 'gaydar' technology"

It turns out that the Reverend Ted Haggard scandal kept President Bush working all weekend. The President only got to see three football games. The President was working on a memo for America's scientific community, which he intends to release in a few days. In the meantime, I got hold of a draft just before it was shredded, so you can appreciate that the President is always thinking about important things.

TO: ALL SCIENTISTS

FROM: THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES GEORGE W. BUSH

As you know by now, Ted Haggard, a man who walked around the White House freely dispensing all kinds of advice that I took, has turned out to be a pervert. The question is, how can that happen?

How is it possible for moral evil-doers like homosexuals to walk among us and just seem so normal? I thought God gave those people weak wrists and lisps so we truly normal people could recognize them and keep our distance (no offense to Mary Cheney).

I treated Ted Haggard like an equal, like a person I'd go hunting with and even pee with in the woods. Now I realize that Haggard was memorizing my private parts to use for later fantasies and I'm feeling ill about it.

American know-how has come up with all kinds of truly great technologies from the television to the tiny ipod TV. Now I'm asking you, America's scientists, to develop a truly important technology. Since you folks are no longer working on stem cell research, I want you to put your time into something truly important: gaydar research.

America is falling behind in gaydar technology and it is hurting our nation.

I know the Democrats don't think gaydar is important because all their homos are happy to step forward and admit it. But it seems we Republicans and devout Christians are infiltrated by homos who only seem to come out at the most embarrassing moments. If Mark Foley didn't cost us the mid-terms, surely that pervert Haggard will.

So here's what I'm asking of you. I want a machine, something hand-held preferrably, that White House security can use to check all folks who enter to ensure they are not gay. Maybe something that can read people's DMA (DNA?) like those CSI folks use. Funding is not a problem. I'll get the money from Medicare and maybe the Pentagon, which I'm sure would like to weed out gay troops.

(I suppose if I supported gay marriage, then it might be pretty easy to figure out who's gay but I still believe technology is the way to go.)

In the war against different-sex terrorists, America must win. Scientists, get to work on gaydar!

Thank you,
GWB