Lynne Cheney's sickening sex scandal

I've always been in favor of freedom of speech. When liberal Democrats criticize the free speech of Rush Limbaugh or Ann Coulter, I feel it's an attack on the Constitution of America.

But some speech delivered by one Republican seems to be reprehensible.

The other day, I came across a book written by Lynne Cheney, the Vice President's wife, called "Sisters". I know that Mrs. Cheney writes children's books so I assumed "Sisters" would be some sweet novel aimed at young people. Instead, it was an anti-Christian, anti-American paean to lesbianism.

The first time I came across the word "p--sy", I thought Mrs. Cheney was talking about a cat, which made me think the book was still written for kids. (In retrospect, I guess I should have wondered why a "cat" was "throbbing" inside a woman's "silken underpanties" and why the "cat" felt "warm and dewy" when the other woman stuck her finger inside it. Yuck!) Mrs. Cheney had those two women doing things in bed that I wouldn't want to see bardyard animals doing and I realized that the Vice President's wife was involved in writing pornography.



I always wondered how Dick Cheney's daughter, Mary, could have grown up to become a lesbian. Now I believe America knows. Lynne Cheney must have pushed Mary into the sphere of Sappho.

What kind of example are the Cheneys setting for God-loving, homosexual-hating American Christians? It's only because President George Bush is a compasssionate Christian that he tolerates Vice President Cheney, despite the Vice President's ties to unsavory lesbianism.

Because being a gay person is a choice, I would hope the Vice President works toward getting Mary to choose heterosexuality (and chastity until marriage) as well as getting his wife to stop writing pornography. Let's all remember, WE are the party of family values.

The Democrats have gone too far with Michael J. Fox

What are the Democrats thinking?

I was listening to Rush Limbaugh today and I couldn't believe my ears. According to Mr. Limbaugh, the Democrats have a new fund-raising gimmick.

Mr. Limbaugh reported that the Democrats are selling a Michael J. Fox bobblehead.

I personally have always liked Michael J. Fox despite his politics. I just assumed he's wrong about most stuff because he's originally from Canada. However, I can't believe he would use his malady for such politically commercial purposes.

If you read this, Michael J. Fox, please rethink your approach to politics. Nobody wants to see an actual sick person on television. If they did, we'd get Vice President Cheney live on TV having a heart attack. And no one's going to beat that!

President Bush proves he's no "cut 'n runner"

As I was passing by the Oval Office the other day, I happened to hear a particularly overheated argument between the President and Mrs. Bush (Laura, not Barbara).

MRS. BUSH: I don't understand. Why are you keeping Rumsfeld as your Secretary of Defense. He's a loser.

PRESIDENT: I know Don's not the best or the brightest. But I can't be seen to cut 'n run.

MRS. BUSH: And why didn't you state categorically how detestable Mark Foley is?

PRESIDENT: Foley's been a strong supporter of the party for a long time. If I abandoned him, I'd be seen as cuttin' 'n runnin'.

MRS. BUSH: Why aren't you doing more to help the millions of folks in Darfur who are being slaughtered.

PRESIDENT; That Sudanese leadership has been helping us in our war on terrorism. I reckon millions of innocent folks dying ain't a good thing. But I've got to be loyal to leaders who are helping our cause, otherwise I could be seen as a cut 'n runner.

MRS. BUSH: You've seen the statistics. Sanctions have never worked to prevent a country from going to nuclear. Why don't you open a dialogue with North Korea?

PRESIDENT: I've got a policy about not talkin' to certain folks. I've got to stick to that policy, otherwise I'd been seen to cut 'n run.

MRS. BUSH: Why are you looking at a map of Southeast Asia?

PRESIDENT: I'm thinking about finishing the war in Vietnam. Sendin' in troops. Attacking the North. America should never have cut 'n run.

The conversation went on for quite a while. But I couldn't stay for the whole thing. I had to run.

Mark Foley is finished with pages: he's turning a new leaf

I've been in Washington D.C. for quite a while now and I'm still finding it difficult to meet the right kind of young men, i.e., those who are willing to wait until the wedding night to satisfy their ungodly lusts. Still I make a regular effort to seek places where I am more likely to find men who can appreciate a fine, upstanding, Christian virgin for what she is.

From time to time, I drop into meetings of the Log Cabin Republicans believing that an environment that invites only Republicans should produce a few good men. And while I may not be drop dead gorgeous, I must say I do have some very fine features, which ought to attract somebody at one of these meetings. And even though the room is filled almost exclusively with men, I have yet to meet a man who has wanted to ask me out on a date. Even tubby Republicans with bad skin have not asked me out. It is a mystery.

Which brings me to Mark Foley who I never suspected was gay and especially not a pedophile. When I attended a Log Cabin Republican meeting a few months back, I ran into Congressman Foley. And I could have sworn that Mr. Foley hit on me. The conversation went something like this:

FOLEY: I suppose a young women as pretty as you gets to meet a lot of boys.

NJ: Not as many as you might expect.

FOLEY: Do you have any siblings? A younger brother perhaps?

NJ: I've got Rick Bob. He's retarded though.

FOLEY: I guess you must have had a lot of responsibility looking after him. Feeding him. Getting him to school. Bathing him. Did you bathe him? Did you help him get out of his clothes and into the warm water? Did you use a sponge or a washcloth? A loofa perhaps?

NJ: Actually, I didn't have to do much for Rick Bob. We had a Guatemalan living in.

FOLEY: Did you do much dating when you were, say, 15?

NJ: I had a few beaus back in high school although most of them seemed to be all hands, if you know what I mean. It's easier defending the border from Mexican illegals than it was defending my private parts from some of those multi-handed perverts.

FOLEY: It sounds like you have had quite few adventures. Tell me, what did some of those boys look like?

NJ: You mean, did they look like nerds or something?

FOLEY: No. What did they look like with their shirts off? Did you ever see any just in their briefs? Did they have bulges? Were they tanned evenly all over or did they have tanlines? You know, just general descriptions.

NJ: All this personal talk is kind of making me nervous.

FOLEY: I can assure you that you are totally safe in my company.

Now thinking back, in retrospect, I reckon I must have misread Mr. Foley.

I've heard Mr. Foley has entered rehab where he's dealing with his alcoholism — a problem that is much more Christian and Republican.

Six years in office is hardly enough for President Bush

It's amazing what folks who live on grass and dirt and a couple of carrots a month can accomplish when they set their minds to it.

As you might have heard, the North Koreans (the ones who don't know how to operate a decent convenience store) tested a nuclear bomb the other day. They got their technology from the Pakistanis—one of our closest allies in the war against terrorism. Good thing those North Koreans weren't dealing with one of our enemies.

Anyway, as you might expect, the nuclear test came as a complete surprise to President Bush and his administration. After all, President Bush had tried everything to convince the North Koreans not to do anything stupid. We refused to talk to them. We tried to starve them even more than they already are. We made fun of their leader. Really, what more could we do?

Then President Bush realized that what North Korea had done wasn't his fault. After all, he's only been in offce six short years. He's barely had time to find his way around the West Wing. In fact, the policies that have led to the North Korea situation are the responsibility of the last president of the United States, Bill Clinton. After all, Bill Clinton was already responsible for 9/11. Had President Clinton instituted a color-coded threat alert while in office, there's no way that those terrorists would ever have gotten into the country — DURING BILL CLINTON'S WATCH — and brought down the World Trade Center.

With the realization that the last administration was responsible for a lot of his problems, President Bush gathered his cabinet together to discuss who was responsible for other problems blamed on his Republican administration.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Who's responsible for what's going on in Iraq?

CHENEY: That would be Jimmy Carter.

BUSH: How's that?

CHENEY: You'll remember that that a--hole Carter botched the rescue of American hostages in Iran. That f--- up gave them f---ing Iranians delusions of grandeur. In order to contain the Iranian nuclear threat, we were compelled to enter Iraq. No Carter, no war in Iraq.

BUSH: Very good Dick. What about that Hurricane Kattrina mess. Surely that wasn't my fault.

RUMSFELD: Let me handle that one. What happened in New Orleans was the fault of President Abraham Lincoln. Let's face it, if Lincoln hadn't freed the slaves, there wouldn't have been all those Negroes living in the Ninth Ward. They'd be inland picking cotton and doing other productive things. The freeing of the Negroes was bad policy. No offence, Condi.

RICE: None taken.

BUSH: Is there anything else that I've done or not done that I'm not responsible for?

By the time the meeting ended, it turned out that the largest national debt in history was the responsibility of Zachary Taylor, the Mark Foley scandal was the responsibility of Hilary Clinton (all sex scandals involve a Clinton) and Teddy Roosevelt was responsible for high gas prices.