Six years in office is hardly enough for President Bush

It's amazing what folks who live on grass and dirt and a couple of carrots a month can accomplish when they set their minds to it.

As you might have heard, the North Koreans (the ones who don't know how to operate a decent convenience store) tested a nuclear bomb the other day. They got their technology from the Pakistanis—one of our closest allies in the war against terrorism. Good thing those North Koreans weren't dealing with one of our enemies.

Anyway, as you might expect, the nuclear test came as a complete surprise to President Bush and his administration. After all, President Bush had tried everything to convince the North Koreans not to do anything stupid. We refused to talk to them. We tried to starve them even more than they already are. We made fun of their leader. Really, what more could we do?

Then President Bush realized that what North Korea had done wasn't his fault. After all, he's only been in offce six short years. He's barely had time to find his way around the West Wing. In fact, the policies that have led to the North Korea situation are the responsibility of the last president of the United States, Bill Clinton. After all, Bill Clinton was already responsible for 9/11. Had President Clinton instituted a color-coded threat alert while in office, there's no way that those terrorists would ever have gotten into the country — DURING BILL CLINTON'S WATCH — and brought down the World Trade Center.

With the realization that the last administration was responsible for a lot of his problems, President Bush gathered his cabinet together to discuss who was responsible for other problems blamed on his Republican administration.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Who's responsible for what's going on in Iraq?

CHENEY: That would be Jimmy Carter.

BUSH: How's that?

CHENEY: You'll remember that that a--hole Carter botched the rescue of American hostages in Iran. That f--- up gave them f---ing Iranians delusions of grandeur. In order to contain the Iranian nuclear threat, we were compelled to enter Iraq. No Carter, no war in Iraq.

BUSH: Very good Dick. What about that Hurricane Kattrina mess. Surely that wasn't my fault.

RUMSFELD: Let me handle that one. What happened in New Orleans was the fault of President Abraham Lincoln. Let's face it, if Lincoln hadn't freed the slaves, there wouldn't have been all those Negroes living in the Ninth Ward. They'd be inland picking cotton and doing other productive things. The freeing of the Negroes was bad policy. No offence, Condi.

RICE: None taken.

BUSH: Is there anything else that I've done or not done that I'm not responsible for?

By the time the meeting ended, it turned out that the largest national debt in history was the responsibility of Zachary Taylor, the Mark Foley scandal was the responsibility of Hilary Clinton (all sex scandals involve a Clinton) and Teddy Roosevelt was responsible for high gas prices.