Mark Foley is finished with pages: he's turning a new leaf

I've been in Washington D.C. for quite a while now and I'm still finding it difficult to meet the right kind of young men, i.e., those who are willing to wait until the wedding night to satisfy their ungodly lusts. Still I make a regular effort to seek places where I am more likely to find men who can appreciate a fine, upstanding, Christian virgin for what she is.

From time to time, I drop into meetings of the Log Cabin Republicans believing that an environment that invites only Republicans should produce a few good men. And while I may not be drop dead gorgeous, I must say I do have some very fine features, which ought to attract somebody at one of these meetings. And even though the room is filled almost exclusively with men, I have yet to meet a man who has wanted to ask me out on a date. Even tubby Republicans with bad skin have not asked me out. It is a mystery.

Which brings me to Mark Foley who I never suspected was gay and especially not a pedophile. When I attended a Log Cabin Republican meeting a few months back, I ran into Congressman Foley. And I could have sworn that Mr. Foley hit on me. The conversation went something like this:

FOLEY: I suppose a young women as pretty as you gets to meet a lot of boys.

NJ: Not as many as you might expect.

FOLEY: Do you have any siblings? A younger brother perhaps?

NJ: I've got Rick Bob. He's retarded though.

FOLEY: I guess you must have had a lot of responsibility looking after him. Feeding him. Getting him to school. Bathing him. Did you bathe him? Did you help him get out of his clothes and into the warm water? Did you use a sponge or a washcloth? A loofa perhaps?

NJ: Actually, I didn't have to do much for Rick Bob. We had a Guatemalan living in.

FOLEY: Did you do much dating when you were, say, 15?

NJ: I had a few beaus back in high school although most of them seemed to be all hands, if you know what I mean. It's easier defending the border from Mexican illegals than it was defending my private parts from some of those multi-handed perverts.

FOLEY: It sounds like you have had quite few adventures. Tell me, what did some of those boys look like?

NJ: You mean, did they look like nerds or something?

FOLEY: No. What did they look like with their shirts off? Did you ever see any just in their briefs? Did they have bulges? Were they tanned evenly all over or did they have tanlines? You know, just general descriptions.

NJ: All this personal talk is kind of making me nervous.

FOLEY: I can assure you that you are totally safe in my company.

Now thinking back, in retrospect, I reckon I must have misread Mr. Foley.

I've heard Mr. Foley has entered rehab where he's dealing with his alcoholism — a problem that is much more Christian and Republican.