The Patriot Act in action

Usually, I don't work on weekends — especially since I don't get paid. But this past weekend, the White House was hopping with a pressing emergency and everyone who is anyone had to show up.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales was there and so was Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff, along with the usual White House regulars.

The subject: Terrorism in Texas.

President Bush is being terrorized by Cindy Sheehan and other parents of dead service personnel.

The question under discussion during the White House confab was whether Ms. Sheehan could be labeled a terrorist and therefore locked up at Guantanamo Bay, at least until President Bush's vacation is over.

"Has she threatened the President?" Mr. Chertoff asked.

"I believe implicit in her actions of peaceful protest outside the President's Crawford Ranch is that she is threatening to ruin the President's vacation," Mr. Gonzales replied.

"Are President's vacations covered by the Patriot Act?" Mr. Chertoff asked.

"Again, it's open to interpretation but the Patriot Act does provide a significant amount of latitude to enforcement agencies to ensure the security of the President and I saw President Bush on TV yesterday talking to reporters and he didn't look too secure," Mr. Gonzales responded.

"Are there any other instances of mothers of dead U.S. soldiers being labeled as terrorists?" Mr. Chertoff asked.

"I think we could get away by labeling the mothers of John Wilkes Booth and Lee Harvey Oswald as terrorists," Mr. Gonzales suggested.

"Is there any chance we could strap a suicide bomb belt on Mrs. Sheehan while she's asleep and arrest her for putting lives in peril?" Vice-President Cheney piped up.

"Too much media coverage," Mr. Gonzales said. "I really think we'll have to go with the usual Texas standby."

"What's that?" asked Mr. Chertoff.

"Soliciting the President for purposes of prostitution," said Mr. Gonzales. "We'll drop the charges after Labor Day."

"I hope it works," said Vice-President Cheney. "I heard the President had four triple bogeys yesterday."