President Bush checks in for messages

This morning as I was walking by the Oval Office, Barbie, the President's secretary asked me to take over the phone while she dashed into the ladies' room. Seems she had eaten at an Indian restaurant last night. I think it's about time our native people started fending for themselves and opening up businesses in Washington.

While I was at the desk, the phone rang.

"Collect call from Crawford," the operator said.

O my gosh, it was the President calling to pick up messages. Although a lot of folks in the media have been scoffing at President Bush for taking a 5-week vacation, his 50th since becoming president, President Bush never leaves work far behind. He always calls in once or twice a week to see how the war's going or if Vice-President Cheney is under doctor's care.

"I accept the charges," I said without even getting authorization from anybody.

"Who's this?" President Bush asked.

"Nancy Jo. I'm an intern."

"Ain't you the one I nicknamed Monica?"

"Yes Sir," I replied coldly. "I'm not really fond of that nickname, Sir."

"Would you prefer to be called Turd Blossom?"

"No Sir. Monica is fine." Then I asked, "How's the vacation going, Sir?"

"Not bad. I got some little old maudlin lady sitting at the bottom of my driveway whining about her son that got killed in Iraq and how I should pull out the troops. Mostly I jest ignore her but she's always looking at me funny as I drive off to the golf course. Kind of puts a damper on my day."

"Sorry to hear that Sir," I commiserated.

"Laura and I saw The Wedding Crashers at the drive-in last night. What a hoot that Vince Vaughn fella is. The movie got me thinking about another funny idea for a movie. A couple of uninvited fellas go to the United Nations and start a war with some country for no good reason. I haven't worked out all the details but I think writing that script might be fun after I leave office."

"It sounds like a dandy idea, Mr. President."

"You got any messages for me," the President inquired. I looked around the desk and found a pile of pink slips.

"There are a few messages for you Sir. Got a pen handy?" I asked.

"Shoot," he said.

"Tony Blair called and would like to speak to you as soon as possible."

"I can't stand talking to that fella. All that spineless weasel ever wants to talk about is getting his troops out of Iraq. I think I'll jest blow him off til I get back to Washington."

"There's a call from a Prime Minister Paul Martin."

"Who's he?" the Presdient asked.

"Don't know. He didn't leave a country."

"The heck with him. Could be the leader of some white-sounding African nation asking where's our money to fight AIDS. Tell Barbie, next time, get the name of the country."

"Yes Sir." I made a note. "There's a message from Ken Lay."

"Who? I don't know no Ken Lay. Rip it up."

"There's a message from your mother. It says, 'Remind George to wear a hat when he goes outside.' Are you wearing your hat, Mr. Presdident?"

"Yes, I'm wearing a hat. Obviously Dad is away from home and Mom's got no one to bother so she has to call the White House. This is exactly why I never gave her the phone number to the ranch."

Then the President asked, "Anything from Rumsfeld or Condi?"

I riffled through the remaining messages but saw none. "No Sir."

"I reckon that means all's going well with the War. Good. Tell Barbie I'll be checking in next week, maybe Monday or Tuesday. Anyway, nice talking to you, Monica. Heh, heh."

"Nice talking to..." He hung up.

All I know is that when I go on vacation, I never think of work.