I guess we sort of owe the folks of New Orleans an apology

I think I can be helpful when it comes to what did President Bush know about Hurricane Katrina and when did he know it.

As you may have read, President Bush stated a couple days after the levees in New Orleans breached that there was no way he could know the levees were going to go.

It now turns out that Homeland Security sent a warning to the White House before the hurricane that the levees would likely fail.

You're asking, how can these two statements be reconciled?

The fact is, we who work in the White House don't like to deliver bad news to the President. He plain doesn't like to get bad news. He's spending 8 hours a day, 5 days a week focused on the War on Terror and mountain biking, so he doesn't want to hear about other bad things.

Generally, we deliver bad news to Vice President Cheney who usually says, "What the f--k is this s--t?"

It could be bad news about an impending hurricane or job losses or indictments. The Vice President then says, "Drop that s--t into my f--king in-basket and I'll get around to it."

I suppose the Homeland Security report made it to Vice President Cheney's in-basket but because the Vice President is so busy with his heart attacks and looking for countries to invade, he probably didn't get around to the New Orleans situation until after the hurricane hit.

As you can see, President Bush has been completely truthful in stating he was totally unaware of what was happening in New Orleans as he's unaware of bad things happening in most of the country. The President is a very sensitive, compassionate conservative. If Americans want to have an optimistic, up-beat President who leads though positivity, then it's essential that he continue to be protected from bad news.

The incident in New Orleans was unfortunate. Perhaps if Scooter Libby wasn't wrapped up in his indictment, someone might have spotted the hurricane report. But really, you can't expect the President to be aware of every detail of what comes and goes through the White House.

Although I don't speak for the administration, I'm sure most of the people who work at the White House are sorry for the mix up although as you can see, it's really no one's fault.

The Last Temptation of the Jack

Things are heating up here in the White House, thanks to Jack Abramoff, a Jew. It seems there are folks trying to link President George W. Bush with corruption just because as a good Christian the President makes it a point to become friends with all kinds of folks like Condoleezza Rice and Mr. Abramoff, a Jew.

Jack Abramoff represents the worst in government — getting caught giving bribes. I can assure you that no one has caught President Bush doing anything.

Back home in Texas, Tom DeLay was considered a great Republican until Mr. Abramoff came long and tempted him with non-Christian money. I'm not saying that Mr. Abramoff is Satan but I believe he's got Satan's email address.

In the War on Terror, we can never know in what form terrorists will strike. In this case, the government of the United States was attacked by a non-Christian carrying cash. Who knows how many good Christian, Republican families are going to suffer because the temptations of Jack Abramoff, a Jew, were just too strong to resist?

I've seen the photos of Mr. Abramoff with President Bush and believe me, it's obvious as the President puts his arm around Mr. Abramoff's shoulder or jokingly kisses him on the cheek, there is absolutely no relationship between them. When the President says that he cannot remember meeting Mr. Abramoff, I believe him. (The President has met me dozens of times and he still calls me Monica, so you can see his memory is not all it should be.) There is no truth to the rumors that President Bush sometimes drives Mr. Abramoff to the airport or that he helped Mr. Abramoff move apartments.

The other day, I was talking to my co-intern Trish and asked if President Bush might be in trouble. She replied, "I am absolutely certain that Jack Abramoff will never testify that he and President Bush ever had any kind of relationship."

"How can you be so certain?" I asked.

"I've already seen Jack Abramoff's Presidential Pardon."

I reckon that if President Bush is pardoning him even before his trial, Mr. Abramoff can't be all bad, especially for a Jew.

NSA Spying? Eavesdropping on Americans really works!

For some reason, the media has been all over President Bush for his pro-active approach to stopping terrorism. Some folks are saying it's wrong for the President to authorize eavesdropping on U.S. citizens without a court order.

I'd like to set the record straight on just how effective the President's program has been.

The other day, I got to chatting with Jenna Bush. (She's way prettier in person than she is in all those photos where she's coming out of bars late at night.) Anyway, we got onto the topic of boyfriends. (I'm still attending meetings of the Log Cabin Republicans but I've yet to meet a boy who wants to ask me out. It's a little discouraging.)

Anyway, Jenna said she had a boyfriend, who'll remain nameless, who she suspected of cheating on her. So Jenna went to her Daddy, the President of the United States, and said she wanted a wiretap placed on her boyfriend.

The President said he can't just place wiretaps on anybody. Wiretaps are for American citizens who are suspected of having a terrorist connection. So Jenna told her Daddy that her boyfriend's grandmother on his father's side was Irish.

"So you think your boyfriend is connected to the IRA." the President said. "Okay, I'll get the National Security Agency to start surveillance right away."

The NSA tapped the boyfriend's cellphone and his email. Since the boyfriend lived with his parents, the NSA also tapped his parents' phone lines.

According to Jenna, after three or four months, the NSA determined that while the boyfriend did not have any serious terrorist links, he was in contact with another woman, suspected of being a Democrat.

Jenna broke up with her boyfriend before he could break her heart. So the eavesdropping did its job. But there's more.

The boyfriend's email showed that the was cheating on some of his school assignments. The NSA was able to have the boyfriend expelled from his college and notifications have been sent to all other universities and colleges in America not to accept him.

As well, wiretaps on the boyfriend's parents' phone indicated that his father had not declared all his income last year. The IRS has seized the family home for payment.

When Jenna finished telling me the story, I felt so much safer being in America.