The Last Temptation of the Jack

Things are heating up here in the White House, thanks to Jack Abramoff, a Jew. It seems there are folks trying to link President George W. Bush with corruption just because as a good Christian the President makes it a point to become friends with all kinds of folks like Condoleezza Rice and Mr. Abramoff, a Jew.

Jack Abramoff represents the worst in government — getting caught giving bribes. I can assure you that no one has caught President Bush doing anything.

Back home in Texas, Tom DeLay was considered a great Republican until Mr. Abramoff came long and tempted him with non-Christian money. I'm not saying that Mr. Abramoff is Satan but I believe he's got Satan's email address.

In the War on Terror, we can never know in what form terrorists will strike. In this case, the government of the United States was attacked by a non-Christian carrying cash. Who knows how many good Christian, Republican families are going to suffer because the temptations of Jack Abramoff, a Jew, were just too strong to resist?

I've seen the photos of Mr. Abramoff with President Bush and believe me, it's obvious as the President puts his arm around Mr. Abramoff's shoulder or jokingly kisses him on the cheek, there is absolutely no relationship between them. When the President says that he cannot remember meeting Mr. Abramoff, I believe him. (The President has met me dozens of times and he still calls me Monica, so you can see his memory is not all it should be.) There is no truth to the rumors that President Bush sometimes drives Mr. Abramoff to the airport or that he helped Mr. Abramoff move apartments.

The other day, I was talking to my co-intern Trish and asked if President Bush might be in trouble. She replied, "I am absolutely certain that Jack Abramoff will never testify that he and President Bush ever had any kind of relationship."

"How can you be so certain?" I asked.

"I've already seen Jack Abramoff's Presidential Pardon."

I reckon that if President Bush is pardoning him even before his trial, Mr. Abramoff can't be all bad, especially for a Jew.