President Bush watches Brokeback Mountain

When it comes to movies, it's well known around the White House that President Bush favors Westerns.

I remember the President once saying, "That Robert DeNiro fella can't hold a candle to Clint Eastwood and a big monkey." I don't know what that means.

Last Christmas, Mrs. Bush (Laura) gave the President a boxed set of Roy Rogers DVDs. According to my co-intern Trish, it's rumored that the President has always taken a shine to Dale Evans. On nights when the President watches his DVDs, according to Trish, it's also rumored that Mrs. Bush wears something alluring to bed in case the image of Dale Evans does the trick. I'm not sure what the "trick" is.

Anyway, there's been a dearth of cowboy movies in recent decades. After John Wayne died, there probably hasn't been more than a handful of Westerns made worth watching.

So when the President heard that a new cowboy movie was being released and it already had a lot of good reviews, he was dying to get a sneak peak. One of the privileges afforded the President of the United States is a private screening of movies before they are released to the public.

So the other night, I was invited to attend the official Presidential screening of Brokeback Mountain. Actually, I was invited to hand out popcorn and make sure the President's diet Coke cup was always filled.

For a while, the President really seemed to be enjoying the movie. He said stuff like, "Ain't that scenery mighty pretty," and "Those cowboys really know how to ride," and "Those two cowboys are mighty handsome looking fellas." Mrs. Bush agreed as did Vice President Cheney who had also been invited.

After a while, the President started getting a might uncomfortable. He was squirming in his seat. I figured he had to go to the restroom but was too polite to stop the show just for his own needs. Then I looked up at the screen and those two cowboys were kissing.

"What the f--k are those motherf--king fags doing?" screamed Vice President Cheney. "I come from Montana and I can assure you all there are no f--king kissing queer cowboys."

"Calm down," said Mrs. Bush. "Being a librarian, I understand allegory and metaphors and such. These boys aren't really kissing. It's just a dream sequence to explain the isolationist tendencies of American men." She then stared at her husband.

A minute later, Vice President Cheney blurted, "That boy's got his f--king c--k up that other boy's a--hole. What kind of cowboy movie is this?"

Then President Bush said,"Cowboy movies are supposed to be about shootin' and killin'. Not lovin' like a Sodomite. This is the most unChristian thing I've ever witnessed."

At this point I expected the President to announce the end of the movie but instead he continued watching transfixed.

"Dick," the President said to the Vice President, "did you know that's what men do to each other when they're sinning?"

"Mr. President," the VP replied, "I had a pretty good idea."

"You ever done that, Dick?"

"No sir," the VP announced.

"So how do you know so much?" the President asked with his eyes glued to the screen.

"My daughter sir," the VP said. "She does that kind of stuff with women and then tells the whole d--n family about it at f--king Christmas dinners."

Eventually, one of the cowboys in the movie marries a woman and being a good Christian, President Bush accepted his redemption.

As they were leaving the screening room, Mrs. Bush asked the President if he'd like to watch some Dale Evans and he seemed pretty enthusiastic.