Dick Cheney entertains the troops in Iraq

My Daddy used to tell me about a fellow named Bob Hope who every Christmas used go to wherever American troops were stationed and entertain them, bringing along pretty actresses to remind the troops of what they were missing back home.

This year, Vice President Dick Cheney made a surprise visit to Iraq to entertain our troops. (Look for It's a Very Dick Cheney Iraqi Christmas Special coming to a local TV station soon.) At the White House, a bunch of us got to see a rough cut of the program. It's pretty good.

There were thousands of troops seated out in the desert in front a large stage. Then the Vice President appeared on stage wearing an army uniform and carrying a golf club to the cheers of the troops.

CHENEY: This is the uniform I always wanted to wear but those d--n student and family deferments kept getting in the way of my going to Vietnam and sharing in the joy of killing f--king gooks for my country.

CHEERS!

CHENEY: I know it's politically incorrect to refer to those chinks as gooks, especially since they're doing my dry cleaning and I sure as hell don't want Ding Dong Tran burning my pants.

LAUGHS!

CHENEY: Anyway, I just want to say I get too much respect. I go into the Oval Office and I say, why not invade Iraq and the President of the United States says "okey dokey".

LAUGHS!

CHENEY: I get too much respect. I tell the blowhards at Fox News that al-Qaeda and Saddam are in bed together and they f--king believe me like I'm Oprah Winfrey.

CAMERA PANS OVER TROOPS AS THEY LAUGH HYSTERICALLY.

CHENEY: I get too much respect. I tell Scooter, my little hand-puppet to f--k with those s--theads who don't agree with our policy. So he outs a CIA agent.

LAUGHS!

CHENEY: Anyway, I'd like to introduce a pretty young lady who's come all the way from Washington and Texas — that is one very large lady just kidding — to sing for you. Put your hands together for Harriet Miers.

CHEERS AND WHISTLES

Ms. Miers walks on stage wearing a slinky top with a plunging neckline and Hot Pants.

MIERS: Thank you, Dick. I thought I might come out here and sing the Diana Ross version of "Baby Love" but I was told to stay away from the Supremes.

LONG PAUSE AND SILENCE

MIERS: Anyway, it's a pleasure being here in Baghdad. If I bomb, well you're already used to it.

LONG PAUSE AND SILENCE

MIERS: Anyway, I'd like to do my rendition, oops sorry, can't say rendition anymore. I'd like to do my version of "Jesus loves me, yes I know".

I'VE NEVER HEARD IT DONE AS A RAP SONG BEFORE. INTERESTING.

Later in the show, Vice President Cheney introduced a local Iraqi entertainment troupe — The Flying Saddams.

It turns out that after the real Saddam Hussein was captured, the six fake Saddams no longer had any work. So they formed a dance troupe based on Riverdance.

Only there weren't any pretty girls with shapely legs, just six women covered head to toe in black burqas. And for that matter, the men dancers couldn't actually dance. However, it was kind of funny watching six men who all looked identical to Saddam Hussein hopping around on stage like they were running barefoot on hot coals while six women stepdanced with covered legs, which kind of defeats the purpose.

Anyway, it seems that no expense was spared to ensure our troops in Iraq have a very memorable Christmas.