The Democrats are definitely racist

This morning, I was back on shredding duty. Usually, I just shred boring documents but today I discovered a strategic report from Karl Rove that I thought might interest you, my loyal readers.

According to Mr. Rove's strategic report, "The Achilles' Heel of the Democratic Party", it turns out that the Democrats are outright racists. Here are some facts:

- The Democrats are attacking Attorney General Alberto Gonzales because he is Hispanic. According to Mr. Rove's rationale, the U.S. attorneys who were fired are white, so the Democrats are protecting them by accusing a Mexican-American of wrong-doing.

- The Democrats are against the War in Iraq because it was conceived by two Black people — Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice. The Democrats just can't abide by the fact that Black people have a right to start wars, just like white folks.

- The Democrats want to leave Iraq without getting the job done because they hate Muslims. Only the Bush administration cares enough about Muslims to commit more troops to Iraq to prevent a civil war.

- The Democrats want to keep Black people poor. When President Bush seeks tax cuts for upper income Americans, who is he helping? Multi-millionaire basketball players, football players and baseball players. And who are these rich athletes? They're mostly Black people. But the Democrats want these Black people to pay more taxes so they have less money to spend in their own communities so that Black Cadillac dealers and Black bling dealers are forced out of business.

Once this report is made public, I'd sure be embarrassed being a Democrat.

"We will not lose the war in Iraq," President Bush proclaims

The other morning, I was delivering some paperwork to the Oval Office and was totally surprised to be invited into a meeting of President Bush and his closest advisers.

"Monica," the President said.

"It's Nancy Jo, sir," I repeated for the hundredth time.

"Right, right," the President said. "Listen, we're just throwing around some ideas and we want to know what a common person — someone like you — might think."

"I'd be honored," I said as I wondered if I had just been insulted.

"Now, we in the White House know the war in Iraq is going exactly as planned..."

"F**king d**n straight," Vice President Cheney interjected.

"...but it seems to the American people that things are going awry."

"Well sir," I said. "I know a lot of folks were hoping American troops would be coming home after five years and instead you intend a troop surge."

"I'm reconsidering all that," the President said. "It turns out there's an option that we haven't considered. We can bring the troops home immediately and still win the war."

I was very excited at that prospect. "I'm sure the American public would love that solution. But how can you do it?"

"Dick," the President said, "want to explain it?"

"Abso-f**king-lutely," the VP said. "First, we're going to get every one of our troops out of Iraq by June 30th."

"That's fantastic," I said. "But won't that lead to an all-out civil war between the Sunnis and Shiites?"

"This is where our new plan comes into play. Instead of letting those Muslims kill each other, we use all-out American force — Cruise missiles, nukes, B-52s, strafing, you name it — to devastate the population. Get it? We kill them before they get chance to kill each other. I mean there won't be a f**king, c**ksucking Iraqi left with the strength or will to lift a rifle by the time we're through."

I think I just stood there staring with my mouth open. President Bush was smiling.

"It's a f**king win-win for the administration," the VP said. "Our troops are out before the f**king Democrats can get them out. And we bomb the s**t out of Iraq so there's no doubt as to winning the war. And believe me, the cost of bombing is way less than the cost of maintaining an army. So Monica..."

"Nancy Jo."

"...whatever, do you see a downside?"

"I thought we were bringing democracy to Iraq."

The President spoke. "I reckon I've got to admit to making a mistake. I think the American people will understand that Iraq just wasn't ready for democracy. Those folks are just too primitive to understand how democracy works. Besides, by the time we're finished wiping those Iraqis out, there ain't gonna be enough people to vote anyway."

"Couldn't we just withdraw our troops without bombing Iraq back to the Stone Age?"

"That would be cuttin' and runnin'," President Bush said. "That would make us responsible for their civil war and make us look weak. No, if we're leaving Iraq, we've got to leave on Republican terms. I think killin' a few million Iraqis ought to ensure there's no civil war. It'll also compensate America for the World Trade Center. So Mon...Nancy Jo...you don't have any problem with the plan, do you?"

"It's obviously as well thought out as everything else you've undertaken."

President Bush grinned. "Why thank you, Nancy Jo."