Ann Coulter speaks

The other night, the Washington Ladies' Conservative Republican Christian League (Our motto: Love thy neighbor but carry a big gun) held its monthly speakers night. Our guest of honor was Ann Coulter, the noted Conservative writer who lately has received bad press for stating that 9/11 widows enjoyed the deaths of their husbands too much. I'm sure that was taken out of context.

Although I enjoy Ms. Coulter's writing immensely (My favorite line of hers: "If Jefferson were alive today, he'd be organizing his slaves into a decent security force.") I have trouble with her wardrobe selection. Back in Waco, the women who tended to wear skirts that required a second hair-do were usually referred to as "whores", which I am sure Ms. Coulter is not. I can't imagine her asking money for sex. In fact, with her views, I can't imagine her having sex. I live with the certainty that like me, Ms. Coulter remains a virgin waiting for the right man to come along.

Anyway, her talk was very elucidating. Based on the assumption that American liberals have funded Al Qaeda and attempted to get citizenship for Osama bin Laden, Ms. Coulter explained why people who vote for the Democratic Party should be sent to prisons. At first, I thought this concept was a bit extreme. But as she explained the dangers of Communist leaning Democrats like Al Gore having power, it made sense to lock up registered Democrats.

"The only way to preserve Democracy," Ms. Coulter said to rousing applause,"is to rid this country of the blight of Democrats."

She later spoke on such topics as disabled people using up normal parking spots and how aggravating it was to get behind someone in a wheelchair at the airport. "These people think they're special because their spinal cords are broken. If they were so special, America would be leading the world in stem cell research, which of course we're not." It made sense when she said it.

She discussed why the minimum wage makes little sense in today's economy. "Why should I have to pay an American $5.50 to do a job in our free market economy when I can get a Honduran for $2.25? Competition among workers...that's the American way."

After her official talk, she took a few questions. One audience member asked,"Which man do you think is more conservative: Rush Limbaugh or Bill O'Reilly?"

Ms. Coulter didn't even have to think about the answer. "I thought you were going to ask me about men. Those two are mice and I'm embarrassed they are so closely associated with the Conservative movement. These guys put out more wind than Hurricane Katrina did. You've got one guy who's a drug addict and the other, some kind of sex pervert. Personally, I think they are closet Liberals sent into the Conservative movement to do damage. And they are succeeding."

"What do you think of President Bush's performance?" I wanted to ask that but someone else got to the microphone first.

"President Bush is doing an outstanding job," Ms. Coulter said. "Except for a few hiccups, he's been the best president since Taylor."

There was much applause.

Then the same questioner asked, "What are the hiccups?"

"Well, if you want details," Ms. Coulter said. "Instead of expanding Medicare for seniors, we should be killing them at 80 or at the first sign of illness, whichever comes first."

"Instead of regime change in Iraq, we should have nuked the country and accidently dropped another nuke on Iran. Sure some people might have been peeved at the time but it would have been pretty much forgotten by now."

"Choosing Colin Powell and then Condoleezza Rice as secretaries of State was a big mistake. Muslims just don't respect black people. Just look at Darfur. Muslims killing Muslims. But it's white Muslims killing black Muslims. What America needs is an Aryan secretary of State. I'm hoping Arnold Schwarzenegger takes the job when he leaves that Liberal cesspool called California."

Later on, Ms. Coulter autographed copies of her new book. When she signed mine, her signature looked a bit like a swastika. Probably my imagination.

Osama bin Laden fingered Zarqawi

Here at the White House, President Bush and his cabinet were mighty impressed with the efficiency of the Canadian intelligence services and police in rounding up their terrorist Muslims.

"What did them Muslim terrorists blow up in Canada?" the President asked when he heard the news of the round up.

"Nothing, sir," Secretary Rumsfeld replied.

"I don't understand," said the President. "If the Muslims didn't blow anything up, how did the Canadians know to arrest them? Heck, we didn't start doing any intelligence until after the World Trade Center."

"That's not exactly true," Secretary Rumsfeld said. "We had lots of intelligence. We simply chose not to use it."

"Well, I ought to call up that Canadian president..."

"Prime Minister," Mr. Rumsfeld said. "Prime Minister Harper."

The President continued. "I'm going to call up that Prime Minister and congratulate him on his good security work."

The following is from the transcipt of the President's call:

BUSH: Harper, you old dog. How are you?

HARPER: Who is this? How'd you get this number?

BUSH: Relax old buddy. It's me, Dubya.

HARPER: Oh, President Bush. You caught me off guard. You've never called Canada before.

BUSH: Heck, I didn't even know where Canada was until today. Anyway, I just want to congratulate you on the fine work your boys did in rounding up those terrorists.

HARPER: Yes, it's amazing what good intelligence and security can do.

BUSH: I shouldn't be telling you this but I reckon you can keep a secret. We've got our eye on that Zarqawi fella in Iraq. It seems our boys got a tip from Osama bin Laden where to find Zarqawi.

HARPER: Why would bin Laden tell you where to find Zarqawi?

BUSH: I reckon he needs the $25 million reward. But you know what? If his information pans out, we're going to stiff him. Let him take us to court. Heh, heh.