A funny thing happened on the way to the Ball

Sorry I haven't written for a while. I've been a little depressed.

Last week, I attended the Christian Inaugural Eve Gala. It could have gone better. Unfortunately, Mr. O'Reilly called just before he was to pick me up to say he couldn't attend. Something about a loofa accident and the need to see a proctologist right away. But he said the limo had already been booked and I could have both tickets. All I needed to do was find an escort with one hour's notice. So I knocked on the door of my neighbor, Bruce Berg, and asked if he wanted to go to a Presidential Gala. He jumped at the chance. I asked if his fiancee might be jealous if he went out with me. "Not a chance, sweetie," he said.

Within the hour, Bruce was ready to go meet the limo. I've got to admit I've never quite seen a tuxedo like the one he was wearing. The jacket was burgundy velvet with black satin lapels. His cummerbund was flowery. And I think the pants were spandex. But what could I expect with no notice?

Inside the limo, the driver handed us our tickets. "This says 'Christian Gala", Bruce said. "It sounds...fun. Will there be any booze?" I pointed out that Jesus did turn water in wine, not into Gatorade. And then for the first time, I began to suspect something. "You're not Christian, are you?" I asked Bruce. "No, sweetie. But you people did descend from my people. Do you think there'll be any problems with me mingling with the righteous?" Of course not I said.

The ballroom was beautifully decorated. Every table had a tasteful centerpiece of Jesus's crucifixion surrounded by lovely carnations and candles. There were fortune cookies at every place setting. (When we cracked them open after dinner, everyone got a different Bible passage. How classy!) There were trays of foie gras sculpted into the shape of John the Baptist's head. Behind the stage was a magnificent mural of God reaching out to touch the hand of George W. Bush. Waiters carried trays of Bloody Mary Magdalenes. The Lord's goodness was bountiful.

Dinner was announced and we went looking for our table. We were at table 665. I was told the table next to ours was reserved for any Democrats who might show up. When Bruce and I sat down, all the folks introduced themselves. There was a fellow from an organization called No Gay Left Behind. I guess they strighten gays out. A couple were from Abortion Freedom. They were working to make America free of abortion. There was a fellow from Don't Cross Us. I think his group were Christians who were just really angry. And we had the head of Jews of Jesus at the table. "Are you Jewish?" Bruce asked.
The fellow smiled and said, "Does Jesus eat pork on Fridays?" whatever that was supposed to mean. A few minutes later, the woman from Abortion Freedom asked Bruce if he were pro choice. "Absolutely not," he said. "I think abortion should be mandatory." We didn't have much conversation with the others after that and I was a little bit peeved with Bruce.

After dinner, Bruce and I danced, almost. The music was supplied by a band called the Only Living Members of the Lawrence Welk Orchestra. I thought they sounded pretty good. But Bruce went up to the bandleader and asked if they could play something "hip" like "YMCA". A couple minutes later as we stood on the dance floor waiting for the band to play something hip, a Secret Service agent came up to us and told us to leave. "We don't want any subversives in the room when the President arrives," he said. I was mortified.

When I got home that night, I called Waco to tell my folks how bad the night went. Rick Bob, my sweet but sadly retarded brother answered the phone. He said that he'd been watching the news and the reporter said that the Inaugural parties cost $40 million dollars while American soldiers still didn't have armor to protect them. Rick Bob can be so naive. I explained that if the United States protected all the soldiers too well, the enemy would just build more powerful weapons. And we wouldn't want that, would we?