My first day at the White House

I'm a little riled up about some of the comments I received about my first posting. Some of you readers seem to think I'm writing "satire" or something funny. If that's what you're looking for, you've come to the wrong place. This diary contains my sincerest thoughts on what it means to be a patriot and serve America's greatest president of the twenty-first century.

Anyway, I settled in pretty easily at my apartment on Saturday. Fortunately, I have a great neighbor who knows something about decorating. Bruce Berg. Actually, he seemed pretty excited to help me decorate. (He even offered to help me do my hair but I said no thanks.) Although my place is all furnished, Bruce helped me move things around to make the apartment more me, "more Christian" as he said. I never thought furniture would work as a big cross in the middle of the living room. But it does! I don't have to worry about Bruce putting the "moves" on me thankfully. He's engaged. He and his fiancee are expecting to get married in June. Why they're going all the way to Canada to get married, I don't know. I guess they've got family there.

Funny thing happened. I told Bruce that I had started this blog diary, so he immediately went to his computer to read it. He came back about five minutes later and his face was whiter than a freshly washed diaper. I asked him what's wrong. He said he was shocked that I had written "Monica Jewinsky". So I asked what was wrong with that. He said the name is Monica "Lewinsky". Heck, I guess my daddy had it all wrong because all he ever said was "Jewinsky". I told Bruce I'd straighten it out and now I have. (I wonder why Bruce took it so personally?)

Arriving at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue on Monday morning wasn't quite as grand as I had expected. It was kind of like checking in at the airport, but with less respect. Anyway, I was expected. A handsome, young marine led me to the intern's bullpen where I met about a dozen other interns just starting out and my boss, Dixie. Dixie explained our duties and they're kind of boring. Basically, we have to do what anyone who gets a White House salary says.

The day was spent pretty much get orientated. In watching "The West Wing", that "liberal claptrap" as Daddy calls it, I always assumed the President used the Oval Office. Turns out, it's Dick Cheney's office which President Bush gets to use from time to time, when he's up from Crawford. Until today, I did not know that. Another thing I learned: Laura Bush has her own library upstairs so she can keep in practice putting books back on the shelf. It seems that once you forget the Dewey Decimal System, it's real hard to get get it back. I truly feel honored to be in the same White House with a First Lady like Mrs. Bush (although I've kept my Daddy's words in my head and if Mrs. Bush offers to drive me somewhere, I will refuse her offer.)

As the day went on, I asked Dixie which of the Inaugural Balls I'll be attending as an intern. Turns out, interns are not invited. I have never been more disappointed in my life. When Dixie saw my face drop, she said that if going to a ball was so important to me, she'd see what she can do. A while later, she came by and said some fellow by the name of O'Reilly was looking for a date for the ball. Normally, I don't like being fixed up on blind dates. But when Dixie told me Mr. O'Reilly works at Fox News, I knew everything would be okay. After all, Fox News is the official word of God and President Bush. I'm sure Mr. O'Reilly is a real gentleman. I'm sure dancing with him will be like dancing in the arms of Jesus. (Funny thing: when I told my new friend and co-intern, Trish, about the date, she told me to watch out for "loofas", whatever they are. Then she just giggled and told me to get a tape recorder for my phone.)

Rick Bob, my unfortunately retarded brother just called to wish me well in my new apartment. He's so sweet. But again, he has so much trouble absorbing the simplest ideas. He just heard that the government has reported there were no weapons of mass destrustion in Iraq. "Why," Rick Bob asked, "did the United States of America attack a country without weapons of mass destruction?" I told him if America goes attacking countries that actually have weapons of mass destruction, a lot more of our brave soldiers are going to get killed. It's just so obvious.