I'm working for Karl Rove

I got my first real assignment today. Another disappointment. When I came to Washington, I thought I was going to be working directly for the President, sort of like Charlie in "The West Wing", only white and female. Instead I am Karl Rove's filing clerk.

I'd heard of Mr. Rove from my Daddy. He had always said that Mr. Rove was George Bush's shepherd. Mr. Rove tends the President like a shepherd tends a flock of sheep. He makes sure there are no stray thoughts, so no Democratic wolves can run off with the election. Something like that.

Anyway, I showed up at Mr. Rove's office and the place looked like a suicide bombing in Baghdad. You'd think there'd be some TexMex cleaning people in the White House to straighten up the offices of important staffers like Mr. Rove. Turns out, I'm the cleaning people. And what I was looking at were all the campaign files for President Bush's re-election.

It was pretty straightforward job as Dixie, my boss, explained. There were two filing cabinets: one normal size and the other massive. The normal filing cabinet was for manilla file folders. The really big cabinet was marked "Plumbers' Supplies" for some reason and all other colors of file folders went into it. There weren't that many manilla folders, so that part of the job was done pretty quickly.There sure were a lot of red and green and blue and yellow folders. I've got to admit I was kind of curious about what was inside them. But I never opened any. I just filed them alphabetically. For instance, under K, they had names like: "Kerry having breakfast with Osama", "Kerry giving blow--- to Saddam" (it must mean something different than the filthy expression used in Waco), "Kerry murdering his Swift Boat crew" and "Kerry burning the American flag."

As I filed these folders, I realized just how genteel and gracious the Republican Party really is. I mean the GOP had all this evidence against John Kerry, yet the Party never made it public. I must admit that a photograph did accidently fall out of the folder marked "Kerry having breakfast with Osama " and I was truly surprised to see John Kerry seated at a Denny's having pancakes with Osama bin Laden who was sitting across the booth dressed in his desert robe, an automatic weapon across his lap, and eating ham and eggs. I'll bet if the Republicans had run that picture on TV, there wouldn't even have been a need to have the election. President Bush would have been democratically acclaimed by voters from both parties. Plus, he's already got God's vote.

By evening I still hadn't finished all the filing. There looked to hundreds of folders under T: "Talking points for Hannity", "Talking points for Limbaugh", "Talking points for Coulter", "Talking points for..." on and on.

Just before I left work, I got a call from my brother Rick Bob. Even though he's retarded, he knows what an honor it is to call somebody at the White House. He was very excited. Of course, being retarded and all, he was having trouble understanding something the rest of us find easy to understand. He said that he was watching the news and there was a report that President Bush had selected for his attorney general someone who did not believe in the Geneva Conventions. Was this true? I said of course not. The Geneva Conventions will always apply whenever America goes to war against civilized countries like Canada or New Zealand or even France. But you can't expect the Geneva Conventions to apply to a bunch of heathen desert people who probably never heard of Geneva and don't know it's the capital of Austria.