President's Intern

Arab Spring Soap?

2011-09-19T14:07:00.005-04:00

I was watching Al Jezeera news the other day, checking up on what those folks are up to. All of a sudden there was this commercial and to see it, you wouldn't think Osama Bin Laden was dead.

Bin Laden was sitting in I guess some kind of oasis in the desert, surrounded by a bunch of ladies in burkas. Then a title appeared:
"The most interesting terrorist in the world." Then Bin Laden says, "I don't always wash but when I do, I prefer Arab Spring soap."

Then one of the ladies turns to the camera and say: "I like it too." Then she winks, which is about the only thing you can do inside a burka.

Then there's one last look at Bin Laden as he holds up the soap and says, "Stay dirty my friends."

Then the Arab Spring fades out.

I sure hope that Bin Laden was photoshopped or whatever. Otherwise, that President Obama has some explaining to do.

The Last Buggery of Christ

2010-04-06T14:27:00.003-04:00

Being a graduate of the DeVry Evangelical College in Waco, I thought that I was pretty "up" with concepts in religion. But this Easter, I learned something completely new about our Lord, Jesus Christ. And, I reckon that if you're not a Catholic, you might find this kind of shocking.

Last weekend, when I attended homecoming at DeVry Evangelical, a priest had been invited to give a guest lecture. The priest, whose name I won't mention but serves at Our Lady of Perpetual Fondling, spoke about the Last Supper and the Resurrection. According to Papist beliefs, Jesus not only washed the feet of his Disciples, he allowed one of the twelve men with whom he shared his company to have his way with him. YUCK!!!

So, while a lot of folks are accusing priests of abusing children, in fact, these priests are simply re-enacting the Last Buggery of Christ — kind of like Christmas when folks re-enact the Nativity scene or at Easter when passionate Christians get nailed to a cross to re-enact the Crucifixion.

I reckon that if the Catholic religion requires children to be buggered, then I guess it's okay. After all, God wouldn't allow it if it weren't.

Christmas shopping with President Bush

2008-11-29T16:13:00.000-05:00

Not many folks realize that from time to time, President Bush goes into public as just "regular folk", kind of like the Prince in The Prince and The Pauper book. Naturally he goes incognito. One of those occasions was the day after Thanksgiving, known to American shoppers as "Black Friday". If it never occurred to you, the President has a lot of gifts to buy before Christmas.

This year, President Bush arranged for me, his lowly intern, to take him shopping at a Baltimore mall, popular with African Americans who would least be likely to recognize him. I picked up the President at the airport at four in the morning. He had just flown in from Crawford where most folks thought he was spending all Thanksgiving weekend.

He hopped into my 1998 Corolla and we were off, followed by 12 Secret Service agents in three black Buicks. The President wasn't recognizable at all since he was dressed like a Hasidic Jew with a long black beard, dangling sideburns, a big black hat that wasn't a Stetson and a long black silk coat. Only the cowboy boots seemed out of place.

"I swear, Mr. President, even your mother wouldn't recognize you," I said as I drove quickly on the near-empty roads.

"I think she would," the Presdent said. "This is the outfit she wore on Halloween last year."

By the time we got to the mall, there was already quite a line-up at Wal-Mart. "Do we have to get in line?" the President asked.

I said that we could ask the Secret Service to butt in for us but folks might get suspicious of federal agents using their authority to get a religious Jew to the front of the line for Christmas shopping. He agreed, so we got into line with a lot of folks, mostly dark-skinned who looked at us kind of strange.

When the Secret Service agents, who I suppose might be mistaken for policemen, got out of their cars and started approaching the line, a lot of folks for some reason decided to step out of line and leave. So we moved up a lot quicker than we expected.

When the doors to Wal-Mart opened at six, the President and I were in the first wave to make it into the store. Unfortunately, the 12 Secret Service agents were being held back since the store had reached its limit. I'm not sure exactly what happened but I did see two elderly Wal-Mart greeters lying on the floor and the agents were soon surrounding us.

"Where do you want to start?" I asked the President.

"I reckon I ought to get Laura's present first," he replied.

"What kind of gift were you thinking of?" I asked.

"Something frilly. Something sexy. Some kind of lingerie to get a man interested, if you know what I mean. Ever since she made those nasty remarks about me at that Correspondents' Dinner—'asleep at nine every night'—I figure I better get back in the saddle, if you know what I mean."

I could feel my face burning red. The President continued,"But it's been hard to get excited about Laura since she goes to bed in these nightgowns that look like they're made of horse blankets. Do you think Wal-Mart's got a good lingerie department?"

"Maybe we should save that particular gift for later," I said. "I think there's a store in the mall that might specialize in that kind of item."

"But will the prices be as good as Wal-Mart's?" the President asked.

"Sir, I doubt it." So we went to the Wal-Mart Ladies' Department where the President, dressed like a Hasidic Jew, elbowed his way past what looked like the offensive line of the Dallas Cowboys and into a discount bin of see-through nighties.

"At this price," he shouted, "I'm getting two!"

"Okay," the President said enthusiastically. "Now for the Twins. I need something hip for them. Something really fashionable."

"This may not be the store..." I started to say but the President said, "I didn't fly all the way up from Crawford just to miss out on the great deals. Find me something hip and priced real good."

We fought our way through the throngs. The Secret Service made some effort to clear a path for us, pushing and punching a few shoppers. "Oy vey," the President said from time to time to maintain the illusion.

"How about those?" the President said pointing to a rack of Daisy Mae blouses, made in China for about a quarter a piece. "They look kind of pretty, Oy vey."

He grabbed two blouses, both red.

"Don't you think Jenna and Barb might want different colors?"

"Heck no, they're twins" the President replied. "They love dressing up alike."

"Now I need something for that old bat of a mother. I don't supposed they sell enema kits here, do they?" He waved a secret service agent over and asked him to check the pharmacy for enema kits. "Get the one with the widest hose, even if it costs more."

"What about your father?" I asked.

"Don't worry about him. He's starting to get forgetful. I'll just tell him that I just gave him whatever sweater he happens to be wearing. That'll make him happy."

For some reason, the shopping spree with the President of the United States wasn't turning out to be as much fun as I had expected.

To make a long story short, I left the mall carrying a small shopping bag with the President's gifts while the President pushed a shopping cart holding a 50 inch plasma screen TV he'd bought for himself that we put into my trunk and bungeed closed. I guess it was a successful shopping trip because the President seemed very happy. He was singing something that went "If I was a rich man" and he offered to buy me knish for lunch, whatever that is.

First Lady, First Dude and First Slut

2008-09-04T16:01:00.002-04:00

Folks around the White House have been watching the Republican Convention with a lot of interest. As Vice President Cheney said, "It's as though the speeches were written with pitch forks to see how high they can pile it." I'm not sure what "it" is.

Anyway, whenever anyone said anything interesting, I kept a note of it. Here are a few random samples.

PRESIDENT BUSH: McCain the reformer. What bulls--t! The only thing I know that he ever reformed was his marriage after he came home from Viet Nam. He came home expecting a pretty young wife and what he had was a fat, disabled wife. So he reformed his marriage and got himself a rich trophy wife. Actually, I've seen bowling trophies that seemed less frigid than her.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Why the f--k did McCain choose that no-nothing tw-t from Canada's armpit, Alaska. He dumped his wife for a pretty girl and now he dumps common sense for another pretty girl.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Do you think the Evangelists will put two and two together. I mean, what more sign from God do they need than Governor Palin gives birth to a Down Syndrome baby at exactly the same time that her daughter is screwing around.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: I heard someone in the press corps refer to the daughter as the First Slut. I suppose after the shotgun wedding to the statutory rapist, everything will simmer down. I wonder when that boy proposed marriage? I wonder if he even did, the poor schmuck? I'll bet if the McCain ticket doesn't win, there'll be no marriage at all. Just another teenage highschooler with a bastard hanging off her tit.

PRESIDENT BUSH: I wouldn't be surprised if the McCain goes after the base by suggesting that Jesus was a bastard so there's nothing wrong with Palin's grandkid being a bastard. After all, it's no secret that Sarah was in a family way when she married the First Dude.

Anyway, I know everyone at the White House is very supportive of the McCain-Palin ticket.

Barack Obama: America's "training" Negro

2008-04-02T13:36:00.006-04:00

The other day, I had the privilege of sitting in on a conversation about politics led by President George W. Bush.

BUSH: You wanna know why this Obama fella is doin' so well? It's cause Americans like the idea of giving a minority person an opportunity but ain't prepared to make a full-time minority person the president.

RICE: I don't understand sir. What's a full-time minority person?

BUSH: Well Condi, that would be you. You're 100% Negro.

RICE: Person of color.

BUSH: Right. You are full time. But this Obama fella, he's only half black and half white.

RICE: So you're saying he's not a person of color.

BUSH: What I'm saying is that Americans are like little children. You don't just put them on a bicycle and expect them to ride. Ya gotta put some training wheels on the bike until they get used to it. Same for the presidency. You just can't expect Americans to accept a real black person to be elected. Americans needs a training Negro and that Obama fits the bill.

CHENEY: Some people thought Condi might have made a good candidate being both black and a woman.

BUSH: Dick, that's just plain dumb. Being a full-time black person and woman is like four strikes against her. The reason Hillary's losin' is cause Americans aren't prepared to put a full-time woman into the White House.

CHENEY: I don't think they make "training" women...anyway, not real ones.

BUSH: You know who would have been a good Republican candidate? Larry Craig. A white man who is kinda gay, which to most Americans is kinda like a training woman.

So I said: Maybe Mary Cheney because she's kind of half woman and...

I don't think I will be on Vice-president Cheney's Christmas card list this year.

Mike Huckabee and the Mormons

2007-12-17T17:35:00.000-05:00

It kind of surprised me the other day when Mike Huckabee asked a New York Times reporter (probably a Jew) whether Mormons believe that Jesus Christ and Satan are brothers. It seems to me that the Rev. Huckabee ought to know since he was one of my visiting professors at the DeVry Evangelical Institute in Waco, TX.

The Rev. Huckabee taught a course called "Lesser Faiths 101".

Along with Judaism, Islam, Catholicism, Hinduism and Paganism, the Rev. Huckabee taught us all about Mormonism. I've still got my notes. So according to the Rev. Huckabee:

— Mormon Church: should be called Church of Latter Day Ain'ts. Ain't Christian, ain't holy, ain't no way Smith was a prophet.

— Not only do they believe that Jesus and Satan are brothers, Mormons believe the brothers are both married to a woman named Betty. (I'm not sure if it's the same woman or two women, both named Betty.)

— Mormons refer to the virgin birth as the Rape of Mary.

Anyway, if Mitt Romney wants to know anything about being a Mormon, all he has to do is ask the Rev. Huckabee.

Karl Rove: "I was always against the war in Iraq"

2007-12-10T14:04:00.001-05:00

It turns out the reason that Karl Rove left the White House before President Bush's term was over was because the President failed to heed his advice on Iraq. I know this because I accidently got a preview of Mr. Rove's upcoming memoir, "As American as a Hand Gun in Church". (All memoirs that might have National Security implications have to be vetted by the government before they can be published. That's how I saw Mr. Rove's manuscript.)

According to Mr. Rove, he fought against the invasion of Iraq based on the Weapons of Mass Destruction scenario. He writes:

I was always against the war in Iraq. I knew Saddam Hussein for years. He was one of my Facebook friends. I knew he liked to talk tough but inside he was a marshmallow. There was no way he would have WMDs. Whenever he killed ten or twenty thousand people, it was always with conventional weapons.

Mr. Rove points out that it was the Congressional Democrats who forced the President into a war. He writes:

President Bush was in no mood to attack Iraq. After all, he had focused all of his attention on finding Obama bin Laden. (I'm not sure if this is a typo or not.) In fact, Democrats like Pelosi and Biden and especially Hillary Clinton demanded a quick vote on attacking Iraq. And because the President is a "uniter", he decided to let the Democrats have their way. But I was against it.

Mr. Rove discusses how Vice-President Cheney ruined the Rove legacy. He writes:

I had created the greatest legacy America had ever seen, greater than Washington, greater than Lincoln. After all, Washington was an actual war hero and Lincoln was a brilliant thinker. I was able to take someone who [description to be finalized before printing] and mold him into a person who could twice be elected to the highest office in the land without an iota of original thought, courage or even the ability to communicate his thoughts, had he had any. Then Cheney, who had been playing "Doom" non-stop for six weeks got it into his head to attack Iraq for no good reason. I'm pretty sure that video game had made him psychotic. Anyway, instead of being remembered as the master president-maker, I'll just be remembered like Pinocchio's father.

I had no idea that Mr. Rove was so prescient.

The Mitt Romney Musical

2007-12-07T16:00:00.001-05:00

Here's something interesting about one of the leading Republican presidential candidates.

As you might have heard, Gov. Romney is a Mormon. When he was in college in Utah, he had the lead part in the all-Mormon musical production of "Seven Brides for Two Brothers."

The liberalization of Saudi Arabia

2007-11-25T22:23:00.001-05:00

As you probably know, Saudi Arabia is among America’s closest friends and allies. So you can imagine the disappointment that President Bush felt when he heard that the victim of a gang rape, a 19-year-old woman, was sentenced to six months in jail and 200 lashes for being raped.

Being the compassionate conservative that he is, President Bush requested that the Saudi Ambassador to the United States come to the White House for a little informal gab. The President was going to use the opportunity to press for leniency for the young rape victim.

“Mr. Ambassador, I’ll come right to the point. We in American think it’s a little barbaric to punish the victim of a crime.”

“Are you suggesting we liberalize our laws?” asked the Ambassador.

“Well, I wouldn’t want to use the word ‘liberal’. Just make them a bit more democratic.”

“But the reason you like Saudi Arabia so much is because we’re not democratic at all. All the democratic countries in the Mideast hate America.”

“Yeah, you got me there. Still, I can’t be seen being close friends with folks who whip the living daylights out of girl who was gang raped. You’ve got to see this from my point of view.”

“Of course, Mr. President. We are not the Philistines you think we are.”

“I didn’t say you lived in Gaza.”

“That’s Palestinians. Philistines are, well never mind.”

"All I'm sayin', Mr. Ambassador, is that 200 lashes is too high a price to pay for being a victim."

"May I point out, that like America, Saudi Arabia has mandatory sentencing."

"I wasn't aware that you people are usin' our initiatives to model your justice system after."

"Yes, we are great admirers of American justice. We've always been impressed by your record as Texas governor. What was it? 145 executions and no reprieves."

"You're makin' me blush," the President said. "It's 147 by the way."

"Mr. President, there was a time in Saudi Arabia when a woman such as this would have been executed for being raped. Today, she will live a full, happy life, once out of prison. Here in America, your young people have tattoos and piercings. Our young woman will have welts. Not much difference."

"I reckon you've got a point. So you're sayin' you folks are gettin' more lenient in your justice system."

"Oh, absolutely. I remember once years ago, a school teacher said that not all Jews were the children of Satan. In those days, we dropped that teacher into a vat of boiling oil. Today, that same teacher would simply be beheaded."

"Very progressive," the President said.

"I remember a friend's sister as a child. She crossed the road on a green light but was struck by a driver going through a red light. A girl has no business being on the road without a male relative. Although she wasn't killed by the driver, the driver had the right to run her over again until she was dead."

"Did he? Run her over again."

"Of course. The law is the law."

As the ambassador was leaving the Oval Office, President Bush shouted out, "Maybe when you folks whip that girl, you can count by twos." The President is always thinking of ways to make the world a little bit better place.

Mitt Romney supports gay marriage

2007-05-15T11:02:00.000-04:00

Governor Mitt Romney stopped in at the White House the other day for a chat with President Bush and Vice President Cheney. As I was carrying coffee into the Oval Office, I heard Vice President Cheney ask Mr. Romney how he intended to handle the gay marriage question.

Mr. Romney: "That's easy. I have no trouble with gay people marrying each other as long as the couple includes a gay man and a lesbian woman."

Unfortunately, I couldn't stay in the room long enough to hear how he intended to deal with abortion.

The Democrats are definitely racist

2007-03-15T12:08:00.000-04:00

This morning, I was back on shredding duty. Usually, I just shred boring documents but today I discovered a strategic report from Karl Rove that I thought might interest you, my loyal readers.

According to Mr. Rove's strategic report, "The Achilles' Heel of the Democratic Party", it turns out that the Democrats are outright racists. Here are some facts:

- The Democrats are attacking Attorney General Alberto Gonzales because he is Hispanic. According to Mr. Rove's rationale, the U.S. attorneys who were fired are white, so the Democrats are protecting them by accusing a Mexican-American of wrong-doing.

- The Democrats are against the War in Iraq because it was conceived by two Black people — Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice. The Democrats just can't abide by the fact that Black people have a right to start wars, just like white folks.

- The Democrats want to leave Iraq without getting the job done because they hate Muslims. Only the Bush administration cares enough about Muslims to commit more troops to Iraq to prevent a civil war.

- The Democrats want to keep Black people poor. When President Bush seeks tax cuts for upper income Americans, who is he helping? Multi-millionaire basketball players, football players and baseball players. And who are these rich athletes? They're mostly Black people. But the Democrats want these Black people to pay more taxes so they have less money to spend in their own communities so that Black Cadillac dealers and Black bling dealers are forced out of business.

Once this report is made public, I'd sure be embarrassed being a Democrat.

"We will not lose the war in Iraq," President Bush proclaims

2007-03-08T10:45:00.000-05:00

The other morning, I was delivering some paperwork to the Oval Office and was totally surprised to be invited into a meeting of President Bush and his closest advisers.

"Monica," the President said.

"It's Nancy Jo, sir," I repeated for the hundredth time.

"Right, right," the President said. "Listen, we're just throwing around some ideas and we want to know what a common person — someone like you — might think."

"I'd be honored," I said as I wondered if I had just been insulted.

"Now, we in the White House know the war in Iraq is going exactly as planned..."

"F**king d**n straight," Vice President Cheney interjected.

"...but it seems to the American people that things are going awry."

"Well sir," I said. "I know a lot of folks were hoping American troops would be coming home after five years and instead you intend a troop surge."

"I'm reconsidering all that," the President said. "It turns out there's an option that we haven't considered. We can bring the troops home immediately and still win the war."

I was very excited at that prospect. "I'm sure the American public would love that solution. But how can you do it?"

"Dick," the President said, "want to explain it?"

"Abso-f**king-lutely," the VP said. "First, we're going to get every one of our troops out of Iraq by June 30th."

"That's fantastic," I said. "But won't that lead to an all-out civil war between the Sunnis and Shiites?"

"This is where our new plan comes into play. Instead of letting those Muslims kill each other, we use all-out American force — Cruise missiles, nukes, B-52s, strafing, you name it — to devastate the population. Get it? We kill them before they get chance to kill each other. I mean there won't be a f**king, c**ksucking Iraqi left with the strength or will to lift a rifle by the time we're through."

I think I just stood there staring with my mouth open. President Bush was smiling.

"It's a f**king win-win for the administration," the VP said. "Our troops are out before the f**king Democrats can get them out. And we bomb the s**t out of Iraq so there's no doubt as to winning the war. And believe me, the cost of bombing is way less than the cost of maintaining an army. So Monica..."

"Nancy Jo."

"...whatever, do you see a downside?"

"I thought we were bringing democracy to Iraq."

The President spoke. "I reckon I've got to admit to making a mistake. I think the American people will understand that Iraq just wasn't ready for democracy. Those folks are just too primitive to understand how democracy works. Besides, by the time we're finished wiping those Iraqis out, there ain't gonna be enough people to vote anyway."

"Couldn't we just withdraw our troops without bombing Iraq back to the Stone Age?"

"That would be cuttin' and runnin'," President Bush said. "That would make us responsible for their civil war and make us look weak. No, if we're leaving Iraq, we've got to leave on Republican terms. I think killin' a few million Iraqis ought to ensure there's no civil war. It'll also compensate America for the World Trade Center. So Mon...Nancy Jo...you don't have any problem with the plan, do you?"

"It's obviously as well thought out as everything else you've undertaken."

President Bush grinned. "Why thank you, Nancy Jo."

Global warming: Over 6 billion people will perish in the next hundred years

2007-01-29T14:17:00.000-05:00

A lot of folks have been wondering why President Bush hopped aboard the global warming bandwagon during his State of the Union speech. It turns out the President has received confidential environmental intelligence about the future of the world.

It seems Senator Hagel was visiting the Oval Office and discussing the fact that thousands of Iraqis and American troops are dying each year.

Then Vice-President Cheney piped up and said thousands of deaths are nothing. He said that there are over six billion people in the world and within a century, they will all be dead.

"Jesus!" President Bush exclaimed. "Six billion people are going to die? How come, Dick?"

"Global warming, sir."

"Are you telling me everybody's going to die because of global warming?" asked the President.

"Yes, sir." For some reason, Vice-President Cheney then chuckled.

I understand that when President Bush talked about fighting global warming in his State of the Union address, Vice-President Cheney seemed very surprised.

President Bush really likes Mike Nifong

2007-01-16T12:30:00.000-05:00

The Monday morning after President Bush appeared on 60 Minutes, I was lucky enough to be delivering some paperwork to the Oval Office when the President was sitting around with cabinet members and staffers discussing the show. I had the opportunity to sit in for a while.

VICE-PRESIDENT CHENEY: You were brilliant last night, Mr. President. I expect the American public will DEMAND that we surge our forces in Iraq.

PRESIDENT BUSH: I sure hope so. You don't think I came across a bit nervous-looking last night? You know I hate talking to reporters — even if I have all their questions in advance and answers printed out for me to read.

CHENEY: You were fantastic.

BUSH: You know who really is fantastic. That Mike Nifong fella.

SECRETARY GATES: You mean the prosecutor in the Duke rape case? That Durham district attorney?

BUSH: Yep. I was watching the Duke story after my interview. You know, you had those weepy parents of the accused rapists.

GATES: Actually, the rape charges have been dropped against the Duke defendants. The alleged victim recanted her story.

BUSH: Yeah, I know. And still that Nifong fella ain't about to let those Duke boys off the hook. He's like a dog on a stew bone. That's the kind of prosecutor we need down in Gitmo.

GATES: I don't understand, sir.

BUSH: Well, we got us cages full of potential terrorists down in Gitmo but we don't have a timbleful of evidence against most of them. We need someone who can move forward without evidence, without regard to rights and civil liberties.

CHENEY: I think you've really got something there. Did you think of this yourself?

BUSH: Sure did. You know, I bet this Nifong fella could build me a treason case against that Nancy Pelosi and few other Democrats. Get me that Nifong fella on the phone.

At that point, someone asked for a coffee and I had to leave.

How President Bush decided to add 21,500 more troops in Iraq

2007-01-11T12:49:00.000-05:00

As you can probably figure out, being the "decider-in-chief" is a pretty tough job. A lot of folks would probably like to know how President Bush reaches the decisions that affect so many lives.

Simply stated, he leaves his decisions to God, our Lord, our Saviour.

For instance, take the decision to send another 21,500 troops to Iraq on top of the 132,000 troops already there — that's if you don't count the 3,000 troops who already died defending the Iraqi democracy.

A lot of folks including quite a few disloyal Republicans and the voters who gave Congress to the Democrats want the President to begin withdrawing troops from Iraq just because our mission wasn't accomplished quite as quickly as we anticipated. Even though I think these folks are just crybabies, President Bush does have to take their viewpoint into account.

On the hand, the viewpoint that I share with President Bush and a few other folks such as the vice-president, is that we need to send a lot more troops into Iraq because nothing else seems to be working.

So how did President Bush finally decide what to do? He used his God dart board. The dart board is modified with every decision President Bush asks of the Lord. In this case, the God dart board contained 36 sections. One section, the blue section, read "Withdraw troops." The 35 red sections each read "Increase troop levels by..." and then there were numbers from 10,000 to 43,000. There was also one bonus section for an increase of 100,000 troops.

Because of the importance of the decision, the God dart board was moved from the family room to the Oval Office.

With one dart in his hand and standing exactly eight and a half feet away from the board, President Bush looked skywards and asked God what he should do. Then he threw the dart. Then he threw the dart again four or five times until he actually hit the board. But on the time that he did hit the board, the dart's point struck the line between 21,000 and 22,000.

"I reckon the Lord is telling me to send another 21,500 troops," President Bush said before going off for his morning bike ride.

I don't understand how so many Americans can be angry at President Bush when he is simply following the will of God.

President Bush's first draft for Gerald Ford eulogy

2007-01-09T14:31:00.000-05:00

Because of the holidays and all, I've fallen a bit behind in my White House intern duties including running the shredder. So it was only yesterday that I came across this:

EULOGY FOR GERRY FORD
Draft #1

As many of you know, former President of the United States Gerald Ford died recently.

Gerry Ford was the kind of man I like to call non-evil. Although not a particularly strong president, as I am, Gerry did mentor two of my finest advisers — Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld. And for this, America has much to be thankful.

Gerry had the misfortune to be at the helm when America experienced its only war loss, if you don't count the War of 1812 when them sneaky Canadians came to Washington and burned down the White House. So everyone remembers Gerry as being the Vietnam loser. I've learned a great lesson from Gerry's experience. The War in Iraq will not end on my watch.

When American troops leave Iraq it'll probably be on John McCain's watch or that of some unfortunate Democrat like Hillary Clinton or that Obama fellow. Nobody remembers who starts a war but everyone remembers who loses it. Sorry Gerry for rubbing it in. But you were a loser.

Gerry will also be remembered for pardoning Richard Nixon after President Nixon resigned during what is now known as the Watergate Scandal. Because President Nixon was never impeached nor prosecuted, we'll never know if the President was guilty of anything.

Gerry was married to his wife Betty, an acknowledged drunk and drug abuser, for a long, long time. The fact that Gerry could forgive someone like that shows the compassion and charity he had in his heart.

Gerry will always be remembered as the accidental president unlike me who had the full support of the majority of the Supreme Court. Even though Gerry wasn't elected to the office of the Presidency, he managed not to screw it up too badly. And for this, the nation is eternally grateful.

[Dick, Harriet, Condi...any comments?]

Looking forward to Mel Gibson's next movie

2006-12-22T16:02:00.000-05:00

Ever since I saw The Passion of the Christ a gazillion times, I have adored Mel Gibson. Although his next movie isn't coming out until next Christmas, Mr. Gibson was kind enough to send his Number One fan a preview poster, that I'm happy to share with you.

Rumsfeld: "If I did it, here's how I would have handled the War in Iraq"

2006-11-20T11:27:00.000-05:00

As I was emptying waste paper baskets the other day, I came across an interesting piece of paper headlined "Book Proposal." It turns out, former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is already preparing to write a book about his experience in the Bush administration. Here are some of the chapters Mr. Rumsfeld is considering:

1/ Why I considered Saddam Hussein a stabilizing force in the Mideast

2/ I'd like to see a lot more proof regarding Weapons of Mass Destruction

3/ Why is that Cheney A--hole always pressuring me to go to war?

4/ Every time I sugggest diplomacy, I'm shot down

5/ I wish the President wouldn't take Saddam so personally

6/ "Axis of Evil" seems a bit harsh: How about "Countries we need to influence"?

7/ Whatever we do, don't disband the Iraqi army

8/ Abu Ghraib: I told them kindness is the best approach for terrorists

9/ Why did Colin Powell have to lie to the United Nations?

10/ If I were in charge, here's what I would have done differently

I can't wait to read Mr. Rumsfeld's book.

Kool-Aid at the White House

2006-11-17T12:12:00.000-05:00

Folks are always asking me about the "behind-the-scenes" stuff that goes on at the White House. So here's an interesting tidbit you probably didn't hear about on TV.

Right after it was officially declared that the Democrats had won control of both the House and the Senate, Vice-President Cheney brought a gigantic pitcher of Kool-Aid to the White House Rose Garden. Then he gathered all the staff together and said, "If you people are truly loyal to the President, you'll drink a glass."

I've never seen so many faces drained of blood in a single place. Nobody moved.

Well, there's nobody more loyal to the President than me and Kool-Aid has always been among my favorite beverages, particularly grape, which unfortunately this batch wasn't. So I went forward to get a glass.

People were screaming and yelling; "Are you crazy?" "Don't do it." "He's not worth it."

I have no idea why those folks were so perturbed about a glass of Kool-Aid. It can be very refreshing.

Anyway, Vice-President Cheney handed me a glass of America's favorite beverage and just as I was about to take my first sip, he grabbed the glass from my hand and drank the Kool-Aid himself. Then he looked at the crowd of staffers with what I can only describe as a Satanic smile. Then he grabbed at his throat and began to choke like he was having another one of his heart attacks. Then he fell to the floor, still and lifeless.

Then there were more screams: "He's dead." "He's killed himself." "Another Jonestown." (Whatever that means.)

As staffers continued screaming and crying, Vice-President Cheney stood up laughing heartily. "It's a joke," he said. Then he turned to me and said, "Little girl, you've got balls." (I'm pretty sure I don't.)

Anyway, I still don't get the joke and most folks around the office are still kind of mad at the Vice President.

A day of mourning at the White House

2006-11-08T15:48:00.000-05:00

As you probably heard, the godless Democrats have assumed power in Congress. That's a shame because according to President Bush's plan, we were only weeks away from victory in Iraq. Now with the Democrats meddling in everything President Bush wants to accomplish, it's likely that the Iraqi situation will go on for a lot longer. Around the White House, they're already calling it the "Democrats' War."

It's so difficult to believe that so many Americans turned on the Republican Party and just when we were set to put an end to abortions, same-sex marriage and stem cell research. America was within inches of Paradise and now it's slipped away.

Anyway, as you can imagine, it's a pretty sad day around the White House. I've been taking notes, so here are a few observations.

It's proper protocol for the President to call and congratulate the new Speaker of the House.

CHENEY: Are you calling the f--king c--t Pelosi?

BUSH: It's the right thing to do.

CHENEY: Tell her I'd like to take her f--king ass hunting.

I thought that was a very nice gesture on the part of the Vice President, even if the language was a bit salty.

Later the President spoke to Karl Rove.

BUSH: So what happened Turd Blossom?

ROVE: Those Democrats used an awful lot of dirty tricks against our people.

BUSH: Like what?

ROVE: Those Democrats kept talking about Republicans.

BUSH: I guess we didn't stand a chance.

Then Donald Rumsfeld showed up to resign.

BUSH: So I hear you're quitting Rummy.

RUMSFELD: That's right, Mr. President.

BUSH: Cuttin' and runnin'.

RUMSFELD: You bet.

Later on, the President received some strange news in the form of a wedding invitation. It seems Mark Foley and Ted Haggard are getting ready to marry. The Reverend Haggard was wondering if the President would give him away.

President Bush:"We need 'gaydar' technology"

2006-11-06T10:47:00.000-05:00

It turns out that the Reverend Ted Haggard scandal kept President Bush working all weekend. The President only got to see three football games. The President was working on a memo for America's scientific community, which he intends to release in a few days. In the meantime, I got hold of a draft just before it was shredded, so you can appreciate that the President is always thinking about important things.

TO: ALL SCIENTISTS

FROM: THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES GEORGE W. BUSH

As you know by now, Ted Haggard, a man who walked around the White House freely dispensing all kinds of advice that I took, has turned out to be a pervert. The question is, how can that happen?

How is it possible for moral evil-doers like homosexuals to walk among us and just seem so normal? I thought God gave those people weak wrists and lisps so we truly normal people could recognize them and keep our distance (no offense to Mary Cheney).

I treated Ted Haggard like an equal, like a person I'd go hunting with and even pee with in the woods. Now I realize that Haggard was memorizing my private parts to use for later fantasies and I'm feeling ill about it.

American know-how has come up with all kinds of truly great technologies from the television to the tiny ipod TV. Now I'm asking you, America's scientists, to develop a truly important technology. Since you folks are no longer working on stem cell research, I want you to put your time into something truly important: gaydar research.

America is falling behind in gaydar technology and it is hurting our nation.

I know the Democrats don't think gaydar is important because all their homos are happy to step forward and admit it. But it seems we Republicans and devout Christians are infiltrated by homos who only seem to come out at the most embarrassing moments. If Mark Foley didn't cost us the mid-terms, surely that pervert Haggard will.

So here's what I'm asking of you. I want a machine, something hand-held preferrably, that White House security can use to check all folks who enter to ensure they are not gay. Maybe something that can read people's DMA (DNA?) like those CSI folks use. Funding is not a problem. I'll get the money from Medicare and maybe the Pentagon, which I'm sure would like to weed out gay troops.

(I suppose if I supported gay marriage, then it might be pretty easy to figure out who's gay but I still believe technology is the way to go.)

In the war against different-sex terrorists, America must win. Scientists, get to work on gaydar!

Thank you,
GWB

Ted Haggard's commencement address

2006-11-03T17:57:00.000-05:00

As you probably know, I'm a graduate of the DeVry Evangelical Institute of Waco, Texas. I'm proud to be a Registered Divinity Assistant although my faith in Evangelicalism is currently being tested. The Reverend Ted Haggard has admitted to doing a Rush Limbaugh — purchasing illicit drugs. Whether Mr. Limbaugh has ever purchased illicit sex from a gay prostitute, I can only hope not. All this on the same day that it was announced that the Republican Party has long accepted money from pornography manufacturers. As you can imagine, today has not been a good day for me.

As I was looking through my things, I came across the commencement address that the Reverend Ted Haggard delivered to the graduating students of the DeVry Evangelical Institute a few years back. It's quite moving. I hope you can all see it in your hearts to not think too badly of the Reverend Haggard, once you've read his fine words.

"Students. I envy your opportunities to go forth and do Christian work grandly.

"There's nothing like good hard work, the kind where a young man is bent over in the field, the muscles of his hard thighs rippling with each effort to bring the joy of Jesus to his loins.

"It's important to feel God in everything you do. Feel God as he caresses your shoulders after a hard day of work, as he massages your back so deeply, as his hands work out the knots in your lower back. O Lord, it feels so good.

"I know that once you leave these hallowed halls of Christian education, you'll feel temptation. The temptation to have sex, the temptation to call up a man, maybe a man you know and see once a month, a man who can get you drugs whenever you want them. Say no to temptation. I know I do."

The Revenend's speech went on for a while longer but there was absolutely no indication that he was anything buy a fine, upstanding Christian example to us all.

Lynne Cheney's sickening sex scandal

2006-10-30T11:51:00.000-05:00

I've always been in favor of freedom of speech. When liberal Democrats criticize the free speech of Rush Limbaugh or Ann Coulter, I feel it's an attack on the Constitution of America.

But some speech delivered by one Republican seems to be reprehensible.

The other day, I came across a book written by Lynne Cheney, the Vice President's wife, called "Sisters". I know that Mrs. Cheney writes children's books so I assumed "Sisters" would be some sweet novel aimed at young people. Instead, it was an anti-Christian, anti-American paean to lesbianism.

The first time I came across the word "p--sy", I thought Mrs. Cheney was talking about a cat, which made me think the book was still written for kids. (In retrospect, I guess I should have wondered why a "cat" was "throbbing" inside a woman's "silken underpanties" and why the "cat" felt "warm and dewy" when the other woman stuck her finger inside it. Yuck!) Mrs. Cheney had those two women doing things in bed that I wouldn't want to see bardyard animals doing and I realized that the Vice President's wife was involved in writing pornography.

I always wondered how Dick Cheney's daughter, Mary, could have grown up to become a lesbian. Now I believe America knows. Lynne Cheney must have pushed Mary into the sphere of Sappho.

What kind of example are the Cheneys setting for God-loving, homosexual-hating American Christians? It's only because President George Bush is a compasssionate Christian that he tolerates Vice President Cheney, despite the Vice President's ties to unsavory lesbianism.

Because being a gay person is a choice, I would hope the Vice President works toward getting Mary to choose heterosexuality (and chastity until marriage) as well as getting his wife to stop writing pornography. Let's all remember, WE are the party of family values.

The Democrats have gone too far with Michael J. Fox

2006-10-27T09:28:00.000-04:00

What are the Democrats thinking?

I was listening to Rush Limbaugh today and I couldn't believe my ears. According to Mr. Limbaugh, the Democrats have a new fund-raising gimmick.

Mr. Limbaugh reported that the Democrats are selling a Michael J. Fox bobblehead.

I personally have always liked Michael J. Fox despite his politics. I just assumed he's wrong about most stuff because he's originally from Canada. However, I can't believe he would use his malady for such politically commercial purposes.

If you read this, Michael J. Fox, please rethink your approach to politics. Nobody wants to see an actual sick person on television. If they did, we'd get Vice President Cheney live on TV having a heart attack. And no one's going to beat that!

President Bush proves he's no "cut 'n runner"

2006-10-23T12:41:00.000-04:00

As I was passing by the Oval Office the other day, I happened to hear a particularly overheated argument between the President and Mrs. Bush (Laura, not Barbara).

MRS. BUSH: I don't understand. Why are you keeping Rumsfeld as your Secretary of Defense. He's a loser.

PRESIDENT: I know Don's not the best or the brightest. But I can't be seen to cut 'n run.

MRS. BUSH: And why didn't you state categorically how detestable Mark Foley is?

PRESIDENT: Foley's been a strong supporter of the party for a long time. If I abandoned him, I'd be seen as cuttin' 'n runnin'.

MRS. BUSH: Why aren't you doing more to help the millions of folks in Darfur who are being slaughtered.

PRESIDENT; That Sudanese leadership has been helping us in our war on terrorism. I reckon millions of innocent folks dying ain't a good thing. But I've got to be loyal to leaders who are helping our cause, otherwise I could be seen as a cut 'n runner.

MRS. BUSH: You've seen the statistics. Sanctions have never worked to prevent a country from going to nuclear. Why don't you open a dialogue with North Korea?

PRESIDENT: I've got a policy about not talkin' to certain folks. I've got to stick to that policy, otherwise I'd been seen to cut 'n run.

MRS. BUSH: Why are you looking at a map of Southeast Asia?

PRESIDENT: I'm thinking about finishing the war in Vietnam. Sendin' in troops. Attacking the North. America should never have cut 'n run.

The conversation went on for quite a while. But I couldn't stay for the whole thing. I had to run.

Mark Foley is finished with pages: he's turning a new leaf

2006-10-11T13:58:00.000-04:00

I've been in Washington D.C. for quite a while now and I'm still finding it difficult to meet the right kind of young men, i.e., those who are willing to wait until the wedding night to satisfy their ungodly lusts. Still I make a regular effort to seek places where I am more likely to find men who can appreciate a fine, upstanding, Christian virgin for what she is.

From time to time, I drop into meetings of the Log Cabin Republicans believing that an environment that invites only Republicans should produce a few good men. And while I may not be drop dead gorgeous, I must say I do have some very fine features, which ought to attract somebody at one of these meetings. And even though the room is filled almost exclusively with men, I have yet to meet a man who has wanted to ask me out on a date. Even tubby Republicans with bad skin have not asked me out. It is a mystery.

Which brings me to Mark Foley who I never suspected was gay and especially not a pedophile. When I attended a Log Cabin Republican meeting a few months back, I ran into Congressman Foley. And I could have sworn that Mr. Foley hit on me. The conversation went something like this:

FOLEY: I suppose a young women as pretty as you gets to meet a lot of boys.

NJ: Not as many as you might expect.

FOLEY: Do you have any siblings? A younger brother perhaps?

NJ: I've got Rick Bob. He's retarded though.

FOLEY: I guess you must have had a lot of responsibility looking after him. Feeding him. Getting him to school. Bathing him. Did you bathe him? Did you help him get out of his clothes and into the warm water? Did you use a sponge or a washcloth? A loofa perhaps?

NJ: Actually, I didn't have to do much for Rick Bob. We had a Guatemalan living in.

FOLEY: Did you do much dating when you were, say, 15?

NJ: I had a few beaus back in high school although most of them seemed to be all hands, if you know what I mean. It's easier defending the border from Mexican illegals than it was defending my private parts from some of those multi-handed perverts.

FOLEY: It sounds like you have had quite few adventures. Tell me, what did some of those boys look like?

NJ: You mean, did they look like nerds or something?

FOLEY: No. What did they look like with their shirts off? Did you ever see any just in their briefs? Did they have bulges? Were they tanned evenly all over or did they have tanlines? You know, just general descriptions.

NJ: All this personal talk is kind of making me nervous.

FOLEY: I can assure you that you are totally safe in my company.

Now thinking back, in retrospect, I reckon I must have misread Mr. Foley.

I've heard Mr. Foley has entered rehab where he's dealing with his alcoholism — a problem that is much more Christian and Republican.

Six years in office is hardly enough for President Bush

2006-10-11T11:11:00.000-04:00

It's amazing what folks who live on grass and dirt and a couple of carrots a month can accomplish when they set their minds to it.

As you might have heard, the North Koreans (the ones who don't know how to operate a decent convenience store) tested a nuclear bomb the other day. They got their technology from the Pakistanis—one of our closest allies in the war against terrorism. Good thing those North Koreans weren't dealing with one of our enemies.

Anyway, as you might expect, the nuclear test came as a complete surprise to President Bush and his administration. After all, President Bush had tried everything to convince the North Koreans not to do anything stupid. We refused to talk to them. We tried to starve them even more than they already are. We made fun of their leader. Really, what more could we do?

Then President Bush realized that what North Korea had done wasn't his fault. After all, he's only been in offce six short years. He's barely had time to find his way around the West Wing. In fact, the policies that have led to the North Korea situation are the responsibility of the last president of the United States, Bill Clinton. After all, Bill Clinton was already responsible for 9/11. Had President Clinton instituted a color-coded threat alert while in office, there's no way that those terrorists would ever have gotten into the country — DURING BILL CLINTON'S WATCH — and brought down the World Trade Center.

With the realization that the last administration was responsible for a lot of his problems, President Bush gathered his cabinet together to discuss who was responsible for other problems blamed on his Republican administration.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Who's responsible for what's going on in Iraq?

CHENEY: That would be Jimmy Carter.

BUSH: How's that?

CHENEY: You'll remember that that a--hole Carter botched the rescue of American hostages in Iran. That f--- up gave them f---ing Iranians delusions of grandeur. In order to contain the Iranian nuclear threat, we were compelled to enter Iraq. No Carter, no war in Iraq.

BUSH: Very good Dick. What about that Hurricane Kattrina mess. Surely that wasn't my fault.

RUMSFELD: Let me handle that one. What happened in New Orleans was the fault of President Abraham Lincoln. Let's face it, if Lincoln hadn't freed the slaves, there wouldn't have been all those Negroes living in the Ninth Ward. They'd be inland picking cotton and doing other productive things. The freeing of the Negroes was bad policy. No offence, Condi.

RICE: None taken.

BUSH: Is there anything else that I've done or not done that I'm not responsible for?

By the time the meeting ended, it turned out that the largest national debt in history was the responsibility of Zachary Taylor, the Mark Foley scandal was the responsibility of Hilary Clinton (all sex scandals involve a Clinton) and Teddy Roosevelt was responsible for high gas prices.

Ann Coulter speaks

2006-06-14T17:17:00.000-04:00

The other night, the Washington Ladies' Conservative Republican Christian League (Our motto: Love thy neighbor but carry a big gun) held its monthly speakers night. Our guest of honor was Ann Coulter, the noted Conservative writer who lately has received bad press for stating that 9/11 widows enjoyed the deaths of their husbands too much. I'm sure that was taken out of context.

Although I enjoy Ms. Coulter's writing immensely (My favorite line of hers: "If Jefferson were alive today, he'd be organizing his slaves into a decent security force.") I have trouble with her wardrobe selection. Back in Waco, the women who tended to wear skirts that required a second hair-do were usually referred to as "whores", which I am sure Ms. Coulter is not. I can't imagine her asking money for sex. In fact, with her views, I can't imagine her having sex. I live with the certainty that like me, Ms. Coulter remains a virgin waiting for the right man to come along.

Anyway, her talk was very elucidating. Based on the assumption that American liberals have funded Al Qaeda and attempted to get citizenship for Osama bin Laden, Ms. Coulter explained why people who vote for the Democratic Party should be sent to prisons. At first, I thought this concept was a bit extreme. But as she explained the dangers of Communist leaning Democrats like Al Gore having power, it made sense to lock up registered Democrats.

"The only way to preserve Democracy," Ms. Coulter said to rousing applause,"is to rid this country of the blight of Democrats."

She later spoke on such topics as disabled people using up normal parking spots and how aggravating it was to get behind someone in a wheelchair at the airport. "These people think they're special because their spinal cords are broken. If they were so special, America would be leading the world in stem cell research, which of course we're not." It made sense when she said it.

She discussed why the minimum wage makes little sense in today's economy. "Why should I have to pay an American $5.50 to do a job in our free market economy when I can get a Honduran for $2.25? Competition among workers...that's the American way."

After her official talk, she took a few questions. One audience member asked,"Which man do you think is more conservative: Rush Limbaugh or Bill O'Reilly?"

Ms. Coulter didn't even have to think about the answer. "I thought you were going to ask me about men. Those two are mice and I'm embarrassed they are so closely associated with the Conservative movement. These guys put out more wind than Hurricane Katrina did. You've got one guy who's a drug addict and the other, some kind of sex pervert. Personally, I think they are closet Liberals sent into the Conservative movement to do damage. And they are succeeding."

"What do you think of President Bush's performance?" I wanted to ask that but someone else got to the microphone first.

"President Bush is doing an outstanding job," Ms. Coulter said. "Except for a few hiccups, he's been the best president since Taylor."

There was much applause.

Then the same questioner asked, "What are the hiccups?"

"Well, if you want details," Ms. Coulter said. "Instead of expanding Medicare for seniors, we should be killing them at 80 or at the first sign of illness, whichever comes first."

"Instead of regime change in Iraq, we should have nuked the country and accidently dropped another nuke on Iran. Sure some people might have been peeved at the time but it would have been pretty much forgotten by now."

"Choosing Colin Powell and then Condoleezza Rice as secretaries of State was a big mistake. Muslims just don't respect black people. Just look at Darfur. Muslims killing Muslims. But it's white Muslims killing black Muslims. What America needs is an Aryan secretary of State. I'm hoping Arnold Schwarzenegger takes the job when he leaves that Liberal cesspool called California."

Later on, Ms. Coulter autographed copies of her new book. When she signed mine, her signature looked a bit like a swastika. Probably my imagination.

Osama bin Laden fingered Zarqawi

2006-06-09T12:24:00.000-04:00

Here at the White House, President Bush and his cabinet were mighty impressed with the efficiency of the Canadian intelligence services and police in rounding up their terrorist Muslims.

"What did them Muslim terrorists blow up in Canada?" the President asked when he heard the news of the round up.

"Nothing, sir," Secretary Rumsfeld replied.

"I don't understand," said the President. "If the Muslims didn't blow anything up, how did the Canadians know to arrest them? Heck, we didn't start doing any intelligence until after the World Trade Center."

"That's not exactly true," Secretary Rumsfeld said. "We had lots of intelligence. We simply chose not to use it."

"Well, I ought to call up that Canadian president..."

"Prime Minister," Mr. Rumsfeld said. "Prime Minister Harper."

The President continued. "I'm going to call up that Prime Minister and congratulate him on his good security work."

The following is from the transcipt of the President's call:

BUSH: Harper, you old dog. How are you?

HARPER: Who is this? How'd you get this number?

BUSH: Relax old buddy. It's me, Dubya.

HARPER: Oh, President Bush. You caught me off guard. You've never called Canada before.

BUSH: Heck, I didn't even know where Canada was until today. Anyway, I just want to congratulate you on the fine work your boys did in rounding up those terrorists.

HARPER: Yes, it's amazing what good intelligence and security can do.

BUSH: I shouldn't be telling you this but I reckon you can keep a secret. We've got our eye on that Zarqawi fella in Iraq. It seems our boys got a tip from Osama bin Laden where to find Zarqawi.

HARPER: Why would bin Laden tell you where to find Zarqawi?

BUSH: I reckon he needs the $25 million reward. But you know what? If his information pans out, we're going to stiff him. Let him take us to court. Heh, heh.

Another honor for President Bush

2006-04-22T10:18:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure that I ever mentioned this but my uncle, Jimbo, is in the oil business back home in Waco. He's got a couple of wells and lately he's been doing real well, income-wise. I can't wait to see the ice rink he just installed in the basement.

Anyway, Uncle Jimbo's on the board of the Texas Oilmen's Association and he just called to let me know that my boss, President George W. Bush is receiving the Association's annual Man of the Year Award.

I'm not surprised people want to honor our President but I asked how the Association selected George Bush.

"Real simple," Uncle Jimbo said. "When Dubya got into office, oil was priced at about $23 a barrel. Now it's over $75 — more than triple. Dubya always promised to look after his ole buddies here in Texas and he's really come through."

"President Bush doesn't set oil prices," I said.

"Heck Nancy Jo, for a Texas girl you're sounding kinda dumb," Uncle Jimbo said. "Dubya's been workin' overtime for his ole buddies in the oil bidness. Nobody could have destabilzed oil flow like Dubya. Before we attacked Iraq, oil was gushin' outta that country like pus from an infected udder. Then Dubya called up and said get ready to start makin' some real money. We're goin' into Iraq and we're gonna mess with Iran. Dubya figured he could get oil up to $120 a barrel before he leaves office. I think he's gonna do it."

"But $120 a barrel for oil can't be good for America," I said.

"What's good for Texas is good for America," Uncle Jimbo chuckled. "Jest remember that the purpose of politics is to look after your own. And no one does that better than Dubya."

"That's a very cynical view, Uncle Jimbo," I retorted. "President Bush became President to return moral values to America." It took a while before Uncle Jimbo stopped snorting and laughing.

"That could be true Nancy Jo but here at the Texas Oilmen's Association, we don't give a damn if nuns are having a harder time gettin an abortion or folks with MS and Parkinson's have no hope for a cure. All we know is Dubya is makin' us rich."

Then Uncle Jimbo said, "We're so sure that Dubya's policies are going to affect America for decades to come that we're thinkin of making him our Man of the Century. But first, let's see if he can get the price over $80 by Memorial Day".

Some very good news from the White House

2006-04-18T17:40:00.000-04:00

As you might guess, things have been kind of depressing around the White House lately considering all those traiterous generals who don't know a damn (sorry about the language) thing are suggesting that Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld should resign and the President telling his trusted aides that they ought to consider resigning. And then there's Tom DeLay sacrificing himself for the good of the party. And the other Congressmen and Senators wrongly under investigation just for trying to be nice to that lobbyist who is barely American.

I suppose if I were being paid anything, they might be considering letting me go too.

Despite the depressing talk, Easter was still a joyous occasion around here. I understand that President Bush found the most Easter eggs of anybody in the family.

Antway, now for the really good news.

It seems somebody high up in the administration has been reading my blog and he read the part where I reported that America should take credit for the Civil War in Iraq. It just makes so much sense. After all, the United States had a Civil War and look at us now — big screen high definition TVs, Lexus SUVs and cute little doggie cookies that cost more for a bag than the cost of feeding an African family for a month. If it takes a Civil War to achieve our standard of living, then I say, let's get it started.

I can't believe it but President Bush himself heard of my recommendation and he was intrigued. So he called me into the Oval Office just before his scheduled bike ride.

"You're that intern I like to call Monica, aren't you?" the President asked.

"Yes sir," I replied, "but I'm not very fond of that nickname."

"Don't worry about it Nancy Jo," the President said. "From now on, you've got my respect."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I'm promoting you," the President said. "As you know, my staff are dropping like flies. I'll be lucky if I have a butler left by the end of the month."

"What are you promoting me to?" I asked with a very excited voice.

"Haven't made up my mind yet," he said. "Rummy's doing a heck of a job but if those generals keep stirring things up, I might need a new Secretary of Defense. You got any management skills?"

"I was class treasurer at the DeVry Evangelical Institute," I said making sure to remember to add that to my resume.

"I'd say that kind of experience puts you into the top ten percentile of this administration," the President said. "Anything else that might be helpful to this administration."

"I'm a very devout Christian," I said solemnly.

"That and a quarter will get you two dimes and a nickel. Quite frankly, I'm up to my butt in Christians who can't seem to do anything right and then tell me it's God's will. What else you got Nancy Jo?"

"Does virginity count?" I asked.

"I been a virgin since practically when the twins were born. It ain't all it's cracked up to be," the President said.

"I believe you mean celibate," I suggested.

"I'm not a Catholic," the President stated. "By the way, don't tell Laura I said anything, virginwise."

Then the President said, "Nancy Jo, I like the way you think outside the box. Heh heh, taking credit for the Civil War like we planned it. Great idea. Let me give it some thought. I can see you somewhere in the Cabinet pretty soon."

The President put on his helmet and headed out the back door.

Why President Bush is more popular than John Kennedy

2006-03-26T13:36:00.000-05:00

I was feeling a little bit depressed but I'm okay now. The other day I was working here at the White House late. It must have been 5:15. Generally, President Bush prefers a 9 to 5 day but sometimes circumstances just require folks to work a little longer.

Anyway, I was shredding documents for Vice President Cheney when I walked past the Oval Office. The door was slightly ajar and I could hear what I thought was sniffling coming from inside the office. Since it was after 5 o'clock, I was pretty sure it couldn't be President Bush. But in fact, when I peaked past the open door, it was President Bush weeping on the shoulder of Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.

"I jest don't understand," President Bush said tearily. "How can I be less popular than that pervert Bill Clinton? It don't make no sense." He wiped his nose on Ms. Rice's sleeve.

"There's no accounting for popularity, Mr. President," Ms. Rice said. "Look how long Will & Grace has been on TV."

"Don't tell nobody," President Bush said looking up from her shoulder, "but I kinda like that program."

Then the President went on. "I can understand Democrats not liking me on account of I got God on my side and He's a mighty powerful voter. But now, I'm losing respect from Republicans, folks who used to worship the saddles I sat on. How could things turn around so quickly?"

"It hasn't been so quick," Ms. Rice pointed out. "You've been in power five years. That's way more than your Daddy. It's way more than John Kennedy."

"But he was assassinated," the President said.

"Now that's what you call unpopular," Ms. Rice said.

"Yeah," the President said starting to feel a little better. "I guess getting assassinated is the ultimate in unpopularity polls. Heck, even Ronald Reagan had an attempt."

The President stood up and started walking around the Oval Office. "Maybe I ain't so unpopular after all."

"Absolutely," Ms. Rice said. "I bet you could walk through downtown Dallas any time you like without getting shot. Just don't go hunting with Dick."

The President giggled. "You always know how to make me feel better. Well, I guess I better get over to the residence. Judge Judy will be on soon."

I headed over to the shredder.

I'm proud to be a "South Dakota" Republican

2006-03-14T16:00:00.000-05:00

Although I'm a Texan, true and tall, today I am also pleased to be considered a "South Dakota" Republican — that is, a Republican who is against all abortions (with a few minor exceptions).

Last week, the Republicans of South Dakota made it against the law for any woman to have an abortion for any reason except if she's cowardly enough to want to save her own life over that of the unborn baby. It's hard to imagine any woman would accept that offer but I suppose a Democrat might.

What is wonderful about the law is it doesn't pander to those folks who believe that a baby conceived in rape or incest should be aborted. Republicans can feel proud to stand up for our principles.

"South Dakota" Republicans, like President Bush, understand that babies are the work of the Lord, not rapists and folks who practise incest. (Although I do believe a woman raped by a man of another race should be allowed a fetal termination, for instance, a black woman raped by a white man would not want to have a child of which God would obviously not condone, what with mixed race children being in the same league as same-sex married couples.)

I realize that incest is against the law (although that didn't seem to stop the Roosevelts), but the Bible doesn't say you can punish the baby for the sins of the father. If every baby born through incest was ever aborted, heck, there'd hardly be any population in Texas never mind Alabama and Arkansas.

Anyway, I understand that the South Dakota anti-abortion law will eventually be challenged at the Supreme Court where Samuel Alito is already writing the decision to overturn Roe vs. Wade — at least, that better be what he's doing if he knows what's good for him.

Get your program...you can't tell the Arabs without a program

2006-03-11T14:09:00.000-05:00

I reckon by now you've heard that the Dubai Ports deal fell through. President Bush was deeply embarrassed among his many Arab friends. Although I always thought that in the War on Terrorism, Arabs were not our first choice of ally, it turns out that all Arabs are not the same.

For instance, according to President Bush, the United Arab Emirates are folks we can trust. Although the U.A.E. provided banking services to al Qaeda for the purposes of the 9/11 attacks, it turns out that that was strictly business and those particular Arabs don't hate Americans personally like let's say Iranians (who are actually not Arabs but Persians, as though that makes a difference).

Then there's Saudi Arabia. According to President Bush, the 15 Saudi hijackers who flew jets into the World Trade Center and Pentagon were actually aberrations. As the President said, "You don't want to tar an entire nation just because of a few bad seeds." So Saudi Arabia remains among America's truest friends.

Iraq, on the other hand, had long had bad thoughts about the United States. Those Iraqis like Saddam Hussein were always saying war-like things. Although no Iraqi participated in the 9/11 incident, American intelligence learned that many Iraqis wished that they had. What else could America do but attack Iraq — a known potential enemy.

Anyway, President Bush has been feeling awfully bad about the way the United States Congress including Republicans treated our friendly Arabs. And he doesn't want to see that it happen again.

So the President has hired a major public relations company, Hally Burton & Associates, to develop a directory or "program" that will differentiate for Americans the Arabs we like and those we don't.

The program will list Arabs by country, region, town and religion making it easy for Americans to know who to go into business with and who not.

For instance, we now like Shiites living north of Baghdad but we don't like Shiites living in Iran unless they are students attending specific universities in Tehran.

Basically, we don't like any Palestinians but if we have to deal with them, we'll only talk to Fatah and not Hamas.

We don't like anyone in Syria but like most Arabs in Jordan unless they are related to some fellow named Zarqawi.

Anyway, there are about 170 million Arabs in the Middle East and by the time the directory is completed, we should know how every single one of them stands on whether they like Americans or not.

National Brotherhood Week can stop the Iraqi civil war

2006-02-27T11:43:00.000-05:00

President and Mrs. Bush recently celebrated another Black History Month at the White House by inviting Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice to lunch to share a table with Vice President Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld who have been named honorary African Americans by the Republican Black Caucus.

(For some reason, quite a number of contributors and other Republicans invited to the lunch to celebrate Black History could not attend, so we interns were invited to fill a couple of tables.)

The President and Secretary Rice discussed issues that affect the Black community such as why there are so few films with Black people in positive roles. As the President pointed out, "Why couldn't an African American person play Capote? Why couldn't Chris Rock star in Brokeback Mountain instead of that Australian foreigner?"

The discussion then moved on to how much better things have gotten for minorities and the previously disenfranchised in America. The President used his administration as an example.

"I've got high-ranking African Americans." He pointed to Secretary Rice. "I've got high-ranking women." He pointed to Secretary Rice. "I've even got me high-ranking intellectuals." He pointed to Secretary Rice. "I've got high-ranking people of suspicious sexual orientation." He didn't point to anyone but I could swear Secretary Rice blushed. "It's this diversification that keeps me in touch with the American public," the President said.

Because the Sunnis in Iraq had just blown up an important Shiite mosque and the Shiites were starting to retaliate, there was some talk at the lunch that civil war in Iraq was just around the corner.

The President turned to Secretary Rice and asked, "Is Iraqi civil war inedible...ineverable...iniligible?"

"Do you mean inevitable, sir?" Secretary Rice asked. "It doesn't have to be inevitable," she said, "if we think outside the box."

"What box are you talking about?" the President asked. "Because I usually think inside the Oval Office which ain't box shaped, it's more football shaped so are you asking me to think outside the football?"

Secretary Rice said, "I'm just saying that we need creative solutions to deal with the Sunnis and Shiites who distrust each other."

"I've got me an idea," the President said. "Remember when black folk and white folk in America didn't get along? You know what changed it all. National Brotherhood Week. During that one week a year, white people and black people made a real effort to get along."

"I suppose," said Secretary Rice.

"Why don't we introduce National Brotherhood Week to Iraq?" said the President. "We could have posters showing Shiites and Sunnis shaking hands and smiling at each other. We could have essay contests in schools where the children write about things that Sunnis and Shiites have in common — they both hate Kurds. I'm sure they have other things in common too."

"They both hate the United States," Vice President Cheney piped up.

"I'm willing to sacrifice America's popularity if it brings Sunnis and Shiites together as brothers," President Bush said. "Let's get cracking on getting those people to bond so that some day Iraq will be just like America and the Shiite government will find a place in their cabinet for a Sunni woman."

I could have sworn Secretary Rice blushed.

Muslims are getting riled up about American TV show

2006-02-22T11:09:00.000-05:00

I just delivered a stack of CIA reports to the President's secretary. Its seems that imams and mullahs and ayatollahs all over the Muslim world are getting set to drive their people into another insult frenzy.

According to the CIA reports, Muslim leaders realize they can only occupy their people's attention with cartoons for about a month. After that, the folks who generally hang out in the streets return to their hovels to watch TV: generally Al Jazeera and their favorite game show, What can we blame on the Jews?

So Muslim leaders got together at a resort in Abu Dhabi last weekend to figure out some other way they've been insulted by the West. After an all-day session, the Muslim leaders couldn't agree on anything disrespectful. A few were in favor of starting riots over the word "ham" since ham appears in the name Mohammed and Muslims are against ham. But since "ham" also appears in Abraham and the Jews don't get insulted, the Muslim braintrust didn't think the disrespect was sufficient for a full-out riot.

That night, it turns out that one of the ayatollahs was in his room watching TV — a rerun of the 1960s program, Mister Ed. Although I've never seen it, the report said the show was about a talking horse named Mister Ed.

At the next session of the "How We've Been Insulted Conference", sponsored by Shell Oil, the ayatollah stood up and said that he knew how the West had insulted the Muslim world.

"Mister Ed," the ayatollah stated. There was no reaction in the room.

Then the ayatollah said, "Don't you see, it starts with "M" and ends in "Ed", just like our Prophet Mohammed. The Jews in Hollywood, America compare our Prophet to a horse."

Then the others in the sessions all started shouting in agreement. "Of course." "Absolutely." "How did we not see this at the 1964 Emmy Awards?"

Muslim leaders returned to their home countries armed with DVDs and posters of Mister Ed and will probably begin protests and riots after Spring Break.

I have no idea what the United States can do to counteract this but I trust President Bush will come up with a plan. After all, he knows horses.

Scooter Libby is lucky to be alive

2006-02-13T13:38:00.000-05:00

I can tell you, there are more than few folks here at the White House who are peeved at Scooter Libby.

You might remember that Mr. Libby was recently indicted for obstruction of justice in the Valerie Plame case. So to save his own skin, Mr. Libby has been going around saying that Vice President Cheney encouraged him to leak confidential intelligence to reporters. (If this were true...and I'm positive that it's not...Vice President Cheney would be impeached or sent to jail.)

Like I said, most of us are angry at Mr. Libby's disloyalty but not Vice President Cheney.

In fact, Vice President Cheney still likes Mr. Libby enough to invite him to social gatherings. Just this weekend, Vice President Cheney invited Mr. Libby to go quail hunting. I heard some details from Trish, my co-intern, who in turn heard it from one of the Secret Service agents on the Vice President's detail.

It seems that Mr. Libby had never been quail hunting before. "Just wear this yellow jacket with the big red circle on the back," the Vice President told Mr. Libby before they left for the quail blinds.

"Isn't this jacket a bit too bright?" Mr. Libby asked. "Won't the birds fly off when they see it?"

"Just wear the f--king jacket," the Vice President said. "Don't you think I know what the f--k I'm doing?"

When the hunting party got into the brush, the Vice President told Mr. Libby to stand out in the open because when you're quail hunting, that's the safest place to be. (It sounds a lot different than all the kinds of hunting I know about.)

"Wouldn't it be safer if I stood behind a tree or something?" Mr. Libby asked.

"No you idiot," the VP replied. "The quails come out from the trees, so that's where we'll be shooting."

"Do I get a gun or something?" Mr. Libby asked.

The Vice President turned to a Secret Service agent and said, "Give him your service revolver."

The agent was dumbstruck. "Sir, I can't give someone my revolver. Besides, you can't shoot quail with a pistol."

"I'm sure Scooter is a terrific marksman," the VP said. "So give him your f--king gun."

The agent reluctantly handed over his gun to Mr. Libby who held it like it were a poisonous snake.

"Happy now?" the Vice President asked Mr. Libby. "Now go kill a f--king bird."

Mr. Libby was standing out in the field as the Vice President and others in the hunting party started shooting at quail. I believe Mr. Libby didn't even know how to release the safety on his gun and he just stood there in his yellow jacket with a big red circle on the back.

After a while, Harry Whittington a Texas lawyer told his hunting partner that he was going over to speak with Mr. Libby.

"That boy represents a big payday for the right law firm," Mr. Whittington was supposed to have said. "I'm going to see if I can't get his business."

Just as Mr. Whittington walked up to Mr. Libby from behind and tapped him on his shoulder, the old lawyer was accidently shot by the Vice President. It seems that Mr. Whittington is okay and Vice President Cheney feels real bad about it.

But wouldn't it have been ironic or a big coincidence or whatever if the Vice President had shot Mr. Libby? I don't suppose Mr. Libby will be going hunting anytime soon.

Anyway, I heard that to make it up to Mr. Libby who is still a bit shaken, the Vice President wants to take Mr. Libby deep-sea fishing on his boat. Just the two of them.

Holocaust cartoons are hilarious

2006-02-08T15:06:00.000-05:00

Just as America was getting them Muslims to calm down in Iraq and Afghanistan and other places were they like to get riled up, those crazy Danes went and stirred those Medieval Muslims up once again.

It seems Mohammed doesn't like his picture taken or some such superstition. Heck, I've got pictures of Jesus watching over me just about everywhere except in the bathroom.

To get their revenge, the Muslims have been buying up every Danish flag they can find and burning them which is sure teaching those Danes a lesson. And an Iranian newspaper, the Ham-something (I thought they didn't have ham, oh well) is running a contest for the best Holocaust cartoon.

The CIA has been able to get some early entries that I got to see as I delivered them to Vice President Cheney's office. I reckon I didn't learn much about the Holocaust at the DeVry Evangelical Institute where I got my degree as a Registered Divinity Assistant but the cartoons seemed pretty funny.

In one cartoon, Mohammed is in line with a bunch of Jews heading for the gas chamber. One German guard says, "He keeps saying he's not a Jew" and the other guard says, "Who cares? Do you really want this guy on the streets of Dusseldorf?" According to the CIA notes, this cartoon is the work of Akbar bin Akbar, a student at Our Father of Perpetual Rage High School in the suburbs of Tehran.

Ayatollah Katayama, a city councillor and sewer commissioner in Tehran offered the following cartoon. Jews are getting numbers tattooed on their arms and Mohammed is getting a dollar sign tattooed on his arm. And the tattoo artist is saying, "Of course profit, he's a Jew, right?"

From Syria, the comedy capital of Arabia comes this really cute cartoon. Mohammed, Garfield and Snoopy are standing outside a concentration camp and Mohammed is saying, "Those Jews will do anything for free room and board."

Ali Ghraib, brother of Abu Ghraib, and a professional editorial cartoonist for the Gaza Terrorist-Times provided the following cartoon. There's a mountain of dead Jews at a concentration camp. And Mohammed is saying, "If the mountain won't come to me, I guess I'll have to go to the mountain." I didn't get it.

In the final one by Sheik Saddam Nasser, a public relations director in Saudi Arabia, Mohammed is standing at the door to a gas chamber as Jews dressed like sheep go inside. Mohammed is chatting with the Nazi guard saying,"Too bad these people don't have their own country. It would be fun to attack it."

Those radical Muslims sure have some talented cartoonists.

"Addiction to oil" means innovative ideas

2006-02-01T11:52:00.000-05:00

That was one heck of a State of the Union address that President Bush delivered. My Daddy called me this morning from Waco to say he stayed awake during almost all of it.

I've viewed the minutes from a recent Cabinet meeting in which the President expressed his belief that Americans are addicted to oil. Then he asked his Cabinet to come up with some innovative ideas to end the addiction. Here are some highlights. (This is kind of confidential, so I won't name names.)

SECRETARY 1: I know some folks that was addicted to cigarettes. They used the Patch to get themselves unaddicted. Maybe somebody could invent a Patch that goes over a car's gas tank.

SECRETARY 2: Maybe we could start locking up gasoline dealers for distribution of an illegal substance. Of course, we'd have to declare a War on Oil and make dealing oil illegal although I don't think simple possession should be dealt with harshly since we all got cars.

SECRETARY 3: Maybe every gas station would have to offer every motorist group therapy sessions. Before someone could fill up, a few folks would have to sit around and discuss why they need gas and if their life would be better if they could resist buying more gas..

SECRETARY 4: Economically speaking, gasoline is priced too low. Gasoline is the crack cocaine of energy. It's priced low enough so that virtually any deadbeat can afford to buy it. It needs to be priced like powder cocaine so that only the elite can afford it. Gasoline should be priced at $10 or $20 a gallon. At that price, America's addiction will drop significantly.

A NON-SECRETARY: F--k the addiction bulls--t and let's just invade those a--holes in Iran and pansies in Canada. At least we'll keep the f--king party in America going a few more f--king years.

PRESIDENT BUSH: I want to thank you all for your innovative suggestions. With this kind of thinking going on inside the Republican Party, I feel confident that America's oil problems will soon be a thing of the past.

I guess we sort of owe the folks of New Orleans an apology

2006-01-25T13:21:00.000-05:00

I think I can be helpful when it comes to what did President Bush know about Hurricane Katrina and when did he know it.

As you may have read, President Bush stated a couple days after the levees in New Orleans breached that there was no way he could know the levees were going to go.

It now turns out that Homeland Security sent a warning to the White House before the hurricane that the levees would likely fail.

You're asking, how can these two statements be reconciled?

The fact is, we who work in the White House don't like to deliver bad news to the President. He plain doesn't like to get bad news. He's spending 8 hours a day, 5 days a week focused on the War on Terror and mountain biking, so he doesn't want to hear about other bad things.

Generally, we deliver bad news to Vice President Cheney who usually says, "What the f--k is this s--t?"

It could be bad news about an impending hurricane or job losses or indictments. The Vice President then says, "Drop that s--t into my f--king in-basket and I'll get around to it."

I suppose the Homeland Security report made it to Vice President Cheney's in-basket but because the Vice President is so busy with his heart attacks and looking for countries to invade, he probably didn't get around to the New Orleans situation until after the hurricane hit.

As you can see, President Bush has been completely truthful in stating he was totally unaware of what was happening in New Orleans as he's unaware of bad things happening in most of the country. The President is a very sensitive, compassionate conservative. If Americans want to have an optimistic, up-beat President who leads though positivity, then it's essential that he continue to be protected from bad news.

The incident in New Orleans was unfortunate. Perhaps if Scooter Libby wasn't wrapped up in his indictment, someone might have spotted the hurricane report. But really, you can't expect the President to be aware of every detail of what comes and goes through the White House.

Although I don't speak for the administration, I'm sure most of the people who work at the White House are sorry for the mix up although as you can see, it's really no one's fault.

The Last Temptation of the Jack

2006-01-24T14:32:00.000-05:00

Things are heating up here in the White House, thanks to Jack Abramoff, a Jew. It seems there are folks trying to link President George W. Bush with corruption just because as a good Christian the President makes it a point to become friends with all kinds of folks like Condoleezza Rice and Mr. Abramoff, a Jew.

Jack Abramoff represents the worst in government — getting caught giving bribes. I can assure you that no one has caught President Bush doing anything.

Back home in Texas, Tom DeLay was considered a great Republican until Mr. Abramoff came long and tempted him with non-Christian money. I'm not saying that Mr. Abramoff is Satan but I believe he's got Satan's email address.

In the War on Terror, we can never know in what form terrorists will strike. In this case, the government of the United States was attacked by a non-Christian carrying cash. Who knows how many good Christian, Republican families are going to suffer because the temptations of Jack Abramoff, a Jew, were just too strong to resist?

I've seen the photos of Mr. Abramoff with President Bush and believe me, it's obvious as the President puts his arm around Mr. Abramoff's shoulder or jokingly kisses him on the cheek, there is absolutely no relationship between them. When the President says that he cannot remember meeting Mr. Abramoff, I believe him. (The President has met me dozens of times and he still calls me Monica, so you can see his memory is not all it should be.) There is no truth to the rumors that President Bush sometimes drives Mr. Abramoff to the airport or that he helped Mr. Abramoff move apartments.

The other day, I was talking to my co-intern Trish and asked if President Bush might be in trouble. She replied, "I am absolutely certain that Jack Abramoff will never testify that he and President Bush ever had any kind of relationship."

"How can you be so certain?" I asked.

"I've already seen Jack Abramoff's Presidential Pardon."

I reckon that if President Bush is pardoning him even before his trial, Mr. Abramoff can't be all bad, especially for a Jew.

NSA Spying? Eavesdropping on Americans really works!

2006-01-11T07:07:00.000-05:00

For some reason, the media has been all over President Bush for his pro-active approach to stopping terrorism. Some folks are saying it's wrong for the President to authorize eavesdropping on U.S. citizens without a court order.

I'd like to set the record straight on just how effective the President's program has been.

The other day, I got to chatting with Jenna Bush. (She's way prettier in person than she is in all those photos where she's coming out of bars late at night.) Anyway, we got onto the topic of boyfriends. (I'm still attending meetings of the Log Cabin Republicans but I've yet to meet a boy who wants to ask me out. It's a little discouraging.)

Anyway, Jenna said she had a boyfriend, who'll remain nameless, who she suspected of cheating on her. So Jenna went to her Daddy, the President of the United States, and said she wanted a wiretap placed on her boyfriend.

The President said he can't just place wiretaps on anybody. Wiretaps are for American citizens who are suspected of having a terrorist connection. So Jenna told her Daddy that her boyfriend's grandmother on his father's side was Irish.

"So you think your boyfriend is connected to the IRA." the President said. "Okay, I'll get the National Security Agency to start surveillance right away."

The NSA tapped the boyfriend's cellphone and his email. Since the boyfriend lived with his parents, the NSA also tapped his parents' phone lines.

According to Jenna, after three or four months, the NSA determined that while the boyfriend did not have any serious terrorist links, he was in contact with another woman, suspected of being a Democrat.

Jenna broke up with her boyfriend before he could break her heart. So the eavesdropping did its job. But there's more.

The boyfriend's email showed that the was cheating on some of his school assignments. The NSA was able to have the boyfriend expelled from his college and notifications have been sent to all other universities and colleges in America not to accept him.

As well, wiretaps on the boyfriend's parents' phone indicated that his father had not declared all his income last year. The IRS has seized the family home for payment.

When Jenna finished telling me the story, I felt so much safer being in America.

President Bush watches Brokeback Mountain

2005-12-22T12:31:00.000-05:00

When it comes to movies, it's well known around the White House that President Bush favors Westerns.

I remember the President once saying, "That Robert DeNiro fella can't hold a candle to Clint Eastwood and a big monkey." I don't know what that means.

Last Christmas, Mrs. Bush (Laura) gave the President a boxed set of Roy Rogers DVDs. According to my co-intern Trish, it's rumored that the President has always taken a shine to Dale Evans. On nights when the President watches his DVDs, according to Trish, it's also rumored that Mrs. Bush wears something alluring to bed in case the image of Dale Evans does the trick. I'm not sure what the "trick" is.

Anyway, there's been a dearth of cowboy movies in recent decades. After John Wayne died, there probably hasn't been more than a handful of Westerns made worth watching.

So when the President heard that a new cowboy movie was being released and it already had a lot of good reviews, he was dying to get a sneak peak. One of the privileges afforded the President of the United States is a private screening of movies before they are released to the public.

So the other night, I was invited to attend the official Presidential screening of Brokeback Mountain. Actually, I was invited to hand out popcorn and make sure the President's diet Coke cup was always filled.

For a while, the President really seemed to be enjoying the movie. He said stuff like, "Ain't that scenery mighty pretty," and "Those cowboys really know how to ride," and "Those two cowboys are mighty handsome looking fellas." Mrs. Bush agreed as did Vice President Cheney who had also been invited.

After a while, the President started getting a might uncomfortable. He was squirming in his seat. I figured he had to go to the restroom but was too polite to stop the show just for his own needs. Then I looked up at the screen and those two cowboys were kissing.

"What the f--k are those motherf--king fags doing?" screamed Vice President Cheney. "I come from Montana and I can assure you all there are no f--king kissing queer cowboys."

"Calm down," said Mrs. Bush. "Being a librarian, I understand allegory and metaphors and such. These boys aren't really kissing. It's just a dream sequence to explain the isolationist tendencies of American men." She then stared at her husband.

A minute later, Vice President Cheney blurted, "That boy's got his f--king c--k up that other boy's a--hole. What kind of cowboy movie is this?"

Then President Bush said,"Cowboy movies are supposed to be about shootin' and killin'. Not lovin' like a Sodomite. This is the most unChristian thing I've ever witnessed."

At this point I expected the President to announce the end of the movie but instead he continued watching transfixed.

"Dick," the President said to the Vice President, "did you know that's what men do to each other when they're sinning?"

"Mr. President," the VP replied, "I had a pretty good idea."

"You ever done that, Dick?"

"No sir," the VP announced.

"So how do you know so much?" the President asked with his eyes glued to the screen.

"My daughter sir," the VP said. "She does that kind of stuff with women and then tells the whole d--n family about it at f--king Christmas dinners."

Eventually, one of the cowboys in the movie marries a woman and being a good Christian, President Bush accepted his redemption.

As they were leaving the screening room, Mrs. Bush asked the President if he'd like to watch some Dale Evans and he seemed pretty enthusiastic.

Dick Cheney entertains the troops in Iraq

2005-12-21T11:07:00.000-05:00

My Daddy used to tell me about a fellow named Bob Hope who every Christmas used go to wherever American troops were stationed and entertain them, bringing along pretty actresses to remind the troops of what they were missing back home.

This year, Vice President Dick Cheney made a surprise visit to Iraq to entertain our troops. (Look for It's a Very Dick Cheney Iraqi Christmas Special coming to a local TV station soon.) At the White House, a bunch of us got to see a rough cut of the program. It's pretty good.

There were thousands of troops seated out in the desert in front a large stage. Then the Vice President appeared on stage wearing an army uniform and carrying a golf club to the cheers of the troops.

CHENEY: This is the uniform I always wanted to wear but those d--n student and family deferments kept getting in the way of my going to Vietnam and sharing in the joy of killing f--king gooks for my country.

CHEERS!

CHENEY: I know it's politically incorrect to refer to those chinks as gooks, especially since they're doing my dry cleaning and I sure as hell don't want Ding Dong Tran burning my pants.

LAUGHS!

CHENEY: Anyway, I just want to say I get too much respect. I go into the Oval Office and I say, why not invade Iraq and the President of the United States says "okey dokey".

LAUGHS!

CHENEY: I get too much respect. I tell the blowhards at Fox News that al-Qaeda and Saddam are in bed together and they f--king believe me like I'm Oprah Winfrey.

CAMERA PANS OVER TROOPS AS THEY LAUGH HYSTERICALLY.

CHENEY: I get too much respect. I tell Scooter, my little hand-puppet to f--k with those s--theads who don't agree with our policy. So he outs a CIA agent.

LAUGHS!

CHENEY: Anyway, I'd like to introduce a pretty young lady who's come all the way from Washington and Texas — that is one very large lady just kidding — to sing for you. Put your hands together for Harriet Miers.

CHEERS AND WHISTLES

Ms. Miers walks on stage wearing a slinky top with a plunging neckline and Hot Pants.

MIERS: Thank you, Dick. I thought I might come out here and sing the Diana Ross version of "Baby Love" but I was told to stay away from the Supremes.

LONG PAUSE AND SILENCE

MIERS: Anyway, it's a pleasure being here in Baghdad. If I bomb, well you're already used to it.

LONG PAUSE AND SILENCE

MIERS: Anyway, I'd like to do my rendition, oops sorry, can't say rendition anymore. I'd like to do my version of "Jesus loves me, yes I know".

I'VE NEVER HEARD IT DONE AS A RAP SONG BEFORE. INTERESTING.

Later in the show, Vice President Cheney introduced a local Iraqi entertainment troupe — The Flying Saddams.

It turns out that after the real Saddam Hussein was captured, the six fake Saddams no longer had any work. So they formed a dance troupe based on Riverdance.

Only there weren't any pretty girls with shapely legs, just six women covered head to toe in black burqas. And for that matter, the men dancers couldn't actually dance. However, it was kind of funny watching six men who all looked identical to Saddam Hussein hopping around on stage like they were running barefoot on hot coals while six women stepdanced with covered legs, which kind of defeats the purpose.

Anyway, it seems that no expense was spared to ensure our troops in Iraq have a very memorable Christmas.

Thoughtful gift-giving for Christmas

2005-12-10T13:38:00.000-05:00

Christmas is a time for giving, a time to remember those less fortunate than ourselves. It's a time to be compassionate, to remember those who are persecuted and offer whatever relief we can.

When the spirit of Christmas moves you, here are a few tax deductible gift-giving suggestions from the Republican National Committee.

Since many of you already live in Republican Congressional districts, you can choose to donate to your own Representative's Legal Defense Fund. (Believe me, if your Representative is Republican, he has one.)

If you live in a Democratic district, donations are kindly welcomed at the following charities:

—Tom DeLay Legal Defense Fund

—Bill Frist Legal Defense Fund

—Scooter Libby Legal Defense Fund

—Randy "Duke" Cunningham Legal Defense Fund

—Karl Rove Legal Defense Fund

—Bob Ney Legal Defense Fund.

You can also buy a Legal Defense Fund Plan from the Republican National Committee making it easy and convenient to contribute to whichever Republican Senator or Representative happens to be unjustly persecuted at the time. A simple bank pre-authorization for whatever affordable amount you wish to contribute (minimum $50 monthly) is all that is required.

Perhaps you'd like to help out victims of Hurricane Katrina who remain officeless.

The Republican Party headquarters in New Orleans was completely ruined. Republican staffers have been operating out of six FEMA trailers since three days after the hurricane. It's unconscionable. Donations are welcomed at the Let's Rebuild New Orleans (Republican) Organization www.makingneworleanswhite.com.

Although George W. Bush cannot run for president again by law, you can still choose to contribute to the Re-elect George Bush Campaign. One percent of all contributions go to buying phone cards for our troops in Iraq, so your contribution is really important.

Al Qaeda plans to ruin Thanksgiving...and what we plan to do about it

2005-11-22T10:13:00.000-05:00

Perhaps you've already heard.

Ducks in Canada that will soon be migrating (illegally) to the United States are infected with Avian Flu.

The Department of Homeland Security believes that as part of Al Qaeda's bio-terrorism, the terrorist organization is infecting Canadian birds with the flu that will likely lead to a pandemic. (This is all part of a Homeland Security report just delivered to the desk of Vice President Cheney by me.)

The idea behind the Al Qaeda operation is for the infected Canadian ducks to infect patriotic American turkeys, ready for the Thanksgiving slaughter. After Thanksgiving, millions of Americans will come down with the flu and be too weakened to fight terrorism.

Homeland Security is recommending that the United States begin an Anti-Avian Ballistic Missile program. The AABM program will be designed to shoot down any birds flying across our northern border. It is expected that development of the program may take as many as 10 years and cost about $250 billion.

However, Americans will once again feel safe eating their Thanksgiving turkeys.

In the meantime, the administration is considering recalling our troops from Iraq to defend our northern border against Al Qaeda-infected Canadian birds.

Although the Bush administration would hate to leave Iraq without total freedom and democracy in place, defending American turkeys from Avian Flu is now our #1 priority.

(This Thanksgiving, I'm saying thanks to the Lord by eating lamb chops.)

Why Thanksgiving is Dick Cheney's favorite holiday

2005-11-21T11:53:00.000-05:00

The other day, a bunch of us interns were hanging around the interns' lounge when Vice President Dick Cheney was walking past. So the VP stuck his head in and said, "What's up, kids?"

Pat said, "We're just gabbing about Thanksgiving. We do get the day off, right?" Everyone laughed including the Vice President who then stepped into the lounge.

"Yeah, we all get the day off," the VP said. "I don't supposed I've ever told you that Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday."

"Why's that?" I piped up impressed that the Vice President chose the one holiday devoted to thanking the Lord for his many blessings.

"Well, it goes back to when I was 12 years old," the VP said. "My dad gave me my first ax and said to go pick out a turkey in the farmyard and get it ready for dinner, if you know what I mean.

"What an honor my dad had bestowed on me. I was only 12 f--king years old and I was already responsible for killing the family's godd--n Thanksgiving bird." I think the Vice President's eyes were starting to get misty.

"Naturally, it was such a precious occasion that I wanted to stretch it out as much as possible. So I grabbed the ax and headed for the turkey pen. I looked at all those little mother f--kers and said, 'Which one of you little f--ks wants to die today.' I just loved the look of panic in their eyes when I showed them my new ax.

"I settled on a bird that we called Omar. I dragged him out the pen as he screamed in terror." The VP dabbed his eyes with his tie. "I could have just taken him to the chopping block and lopped off his head. But what fun would that have been? I wouldn't have been giving God his due.

"So I decided to nail his wings to a tree branch, kind of like an avian crucifix. Then I put a bag over his head figuring the darkness might scare him a bit more." The Vice President was looking off into the distance as though he were staring at Paradise.

"Then as he shrieked, I stuck a stick up the little bugger's rectum. That plump little bird was moving like a camel in a blender."

At this point, two of my co-interns ran out of the lounge holding their hands to their mouths. At least one of them didn't make it to the restroom in time.

Then the Vice President said, "Well, I guess I better get back to work. Can't spend all day reminiscing about my childhood."

I always enjoy stories about rural America. I guess times were simpler when Vice President Cheney was a youngster.

Vice President Dick Cheney is seen getting ready to
prepare the turkey for the Official White House
Thanksgiving Day dinner.

Can NASCAR fans be true Christians?

2005-11-15T15:54:00.000-05:00

As a true Christian, I worship only one God, one president and one sport — NASCAR.

NASCAR is to American Christianity what a public beheading is to Saudis — an event that brings families together.

Back home in Waco at the DeVry Evangelical Institute where I got my degree as a Registered Divinity Assistant, there's been some debate lately as to whether Christians attending NASCAR events are breaking the Law of God as set out in the Ten Commandments.

As far as I'm concerned, the Ten Commandments are the final word of God. When He said, "Thou shalt not kill," God really meant it except for cases like someone breaking into your home or as collateral damage when America needs to free a country like Iraq.

You'll probably remember in Exodus 20 the Commandment that says: "Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy." Now a lot of folks such as really over-the-top religious people, especially those bearded Jewish folk with the strings hanging out their pants, believe this Commandment means absolutely no work on the sabbath — just prayer and rest.

But from what I know of God, there are no absolutes. Like He says, "Don't kill" and then He gives you a whole list of people you can kill like wives who mess around or slaves who run away. So God is pretty flexible.

As most American Christians know, NASCAR is God's chosen sport. Before every race, Christ is asked to bless the drivers. (For some reason, a few years back, God needed Dale Earnhardt in Heaven pronto. Maybe God has His own racing team and needed the best driver to race against Satan's team, which I believe is filled with Formula 1 drivers.)

Since almost all major NASCAR races take place on Sunday, there's been talk among some Fundamentalists that you can't be a real Christian and attend a race on the sabbath. They say it's against the Ten Commandments, as though all the Commandments should have equal weight.

But I say, the folks attending the race aren't working. They're just resting and praying that their chosen driver wins. The drivers aren't really working. Those good ole boys are just having fun. The pit crews are working, but only for about 12 seconds every hour, so that doesn't really count.

Although God knows all and all that will happen in the future, I think it was just too difficult to describe to Moses that in another 2, 500 years, the sabbath Commandment would have to take into account NASCAR.

Like the American Constitution that adds amendments as the times change, the Ten Commandments could probably use an amendment or two to keep up with God's ever-changing Creation. Christians...start your engines.

I attend the White House ethics class

2005-11-09T11:38:00.000-05:00

I tried to tell the White House lawyers that I'm a graduate of the DeVry Evangelical Institute in Waco, Texas with a degree as a Registered Divinity Assistant, so I didn't really need any training in ethics. I have the Lord guiding me.

But the rule is that everyone who works in the Executive Branch —3,000 of us—have to attend ethics training due to the recent slip-up of Mr. Libby who accidently leaked confidential information about a CIA agent that could get her killed.

The White House counsel started the class with a talk that I found kind of boring. There were a lot of "don'ts". Don't do that, don't do this. After his talk, he opened up the class for questions. Vice President Cheney had one.

"Let me get this straight," said the Vice President. "If I do something that helps out a major corporation and that major corporation wants to shows its gratitude with a gift of some kind — a little token of appreciation — I'm not supposed to accept it."

"That's correct," the WH counsel said.

"What kind of f--king Pollyanna state are we running here," said the Vice President. "Gifts don't influence the way government is operated. If Halliburton is selected for a multi-billion dollar project without bids, it's because I know they are the best f--king people for the job and not because of a few measly million dollars."

"I realize that money would not influence you Sir but accepting a few million dollars from Halliburton gives the appearance of corruption," said the lawyer. "And we in the Bush administration do not wish to appear corrupt."

"What if the funds are held in trust until I leave office?" asked the Vice President.

"Well, in this case, you do not appear corrupt, so the answer is okay." The Vice President sat down with a big smile on his face.

"I've got a question," piped up Karl Rove. "Suppose I have some dirt on a Democratic opponent although I don't really have any evidence to back it up. Would it be wrong to expose the dirt during a campaign, even though there's a good possibility that it may not be true?"

"Mr. Rove," said the lawyer. "We're dealing today with ethics that involve an elected government. I do not believe there are any ethics in getting a government elected."

Mr. Rove sat down with a big smile.

There was a question from the back. I turned my head to see that Scooter Libby was in the class and ready to ask a question.

Mr Libby said, "Would it be considered unethical for President Bush to provide an indicted defendant with a presidential pardon prior to a trial that might reveal embarrassing information and names, on the grounds of national security?"

"Heavens no," said the lawyer.

President Bush has a great idea for France

2005-11-08T10:42:00.000-05:00

President Bush is really on his game today. First thing this morning, he wrote a memo for his cabinet secretaries. As I was photocopying it, I was so impressed I kept a copy for myself.

From: George W. Bush, President of the United Stats (sic)
Re: An Idea regarding the Franch (sic)

As you've all seen on the TV, young Muslims are rioting all over France. Why? They don't have jobs.

As you might recall, France did not join us in our efforts in Iraq to bring fredom (sic) and democracy to Iraqis. Why? They probably didn't have the troops to spare since the Franch (sic) army is tied up guarding their Muslims at home.

So here's what I'm thinking.

We suggest to the Franch (sic) prime minister or president or whoever that the government offer every Muslim young man a government job. They could call it the Muslim Foreign Legion. After a couple weeks of training, the Franch (sic) could send the Legion off to fight in Iraq as allies of America.

It's a win-win-win situation. The Franch (sic) get rid of a lot of their rabble. The rabble get to do Allah's work in Iraq. At the same time, the Franch (sic) finally join the world community in helping the Iraqi people.

Anybody see any downside?

Dick Cheney, Karl Rove and Prince Charles get into a brawl

2005-11-03T10:32:00.000-05:00

Last night was pretty embarrassing at the White House.

President Bush was throwing a state dinner for Prince Charles and his new slut bride, Camilla.

From what I heard from Becky, a communications assistant in the West Wing, Vice President Cheney went to the men's room sometime during dinner. Karl Rove was already there doing his business. So they got into a conversation that went something like this:

CHENEY: Did you get a load of that hound that Prince Flapears brought to dinner?

ROVE: I hope he doesn't ask for a doggie bag after dinner. It's too obvious who it would be for.

CHENEY: Lynn told me she's seen Camilla's dress at Sears on sale for $39.

ROVE: I didn't realize it was a dress. I just assumed she was late for dinner so she came in her nightgown.

CHENEY: Remember when Prince Chuck said he wished he were a tampon so he could live inside Camilla?

ROVE: Please Dick. I still have more dinner to eat. So what do you think the Prince does all day besides gladhanding and kissing babies' bottoms?

CHENEY: I suppose he puts on a crown and walks around the house saying "I want to be King! I want Mumsy to die so I can be King!"

At that point, according to Becky, there was a flush from the stall. Then a voice screamed: "You bloody rotters!" Then the door was torn open and Prince Charles charged out at Mr. Rove and Vice President Cheney as they were still standing at their respective urinals.

Becky didn't have many details other than the Secret Service broke up the fight and an emergency squad was sent out to get three fresh suits.

President Bush starts his own BLOG!

2005-11-01T18:29:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it but I have inspired the President of the United States, George W. Bush, to begin blogging.

He's very excited about the prospect. He's already bought a pocket dictionary.

The site is called "Ask George Bush" and the President will answer questions from the public about just about anything.

I asked the President "Where will you get the time to blog?" and he said he was willing to use his free time from 6 o'clock on every weeknight and weekends to answer questions.

The President also said that since Vice President Dick Cheney seems to have fewer duties recently, he'd ask the Vice President to help out.

I hope you all support the President's new interest.

Halloween at the White House

2005-10-31T19:28:00.000-05:00

Today's Halloween and even though as a Christian I realize I should not participate in this heathen celebration, as a White House staffer (unpaid), I felt obligated to join in the festivities with my co-workers.

It's been a tradition in the George Bush White House that every Halloween, just about everyone dresses up in fun costumes for the day. Here are some of the better costumes that I remember.

Harriet Miers was dressed in a black bathrobe. I reckon she was pretending to be a Supreme Court judge.

Donald Rumsfeld stuck a knife into a box of corn flakes and wore the box around his neck. He was supposed to be a cereal killer.

Somebody left a hat suspended about six feet off the ground using fishing line from the ceiling. "Who's that supposed to be?" I asked. "That's Scooter Libby," was the reply. "He came as a ghost."

Condoleezza Rice showed up at the White House wearing a man's suit. She had come as Colin Powell.

Laura Bush came into West Wing wearing a white wig and she had stuck a large pillow under her dress making her butt look huge. Everyone immediately guessed Barbara Bush.

Karl Rove came dressed in a prison uniform and claimed to be Scooter Libby.

What was really great was that President Bush and Vice President Cheney got together to create a theme. They came to work dressed as characters from The Wizard of Oz.

Vice President Cheney came as the Tin Man and wandered around the offices singing "If I only had a heart."

And President Bush dressed up like the Scarecrow and he went around singing "If I only had a brain."

I dressed up like Madonna — the mother of Christ; not the slut.

The President's Secret Service
detail dressed up too!

The White House girls take Scooter Libby out to lunch

2005-10-28T19:18:00.000-04:00

Today was Lewis "Scooter" Libby's last day working for Vice President Cheney. Even though it was kind of short notice, a bunch of us girls working at the White House got together and invited Mr. Libby out for lunch as a going-away party. We reserved a large table at Sam 'N Ella's Cafe in Georgetown.

(Actually, until today I had no idea that Mr. Libby was unhappy working at the White House and was even considering leaving.)

Although the mood started out kind of somber, after Mr. Libby and the other girls had a couple drinks (I drank diet 7Up), they loosened up quite a bit and started playing games.

Debbie in Communications suggested we all play "Name the most CIA agents". Everyone really got into it. Even I could name three agents based on confidential memos that I've delivered. Bernice at Homeland Security Liaison named seventeen. And Mr. Libby did an impression of Sgt. Schultz from Hogan's Heroes, "I know noth...sing." Some of the older girls laughed. I guess I didn't get it.

After everyone had named all the CIA agents they could think of, Barbie, the President's personal secretary suggested we play "If you can only take one personal item to prison for 30 years, what would it be?"

I said that I would never do anything to get myself arrested but if I were going away, I would have a hard time choosing between a Bible and my autographed picture of President Bush in his Mission Accomplished uniform.

The other girls said stuff like Ipods and photo albums and hack saws. When it was Mr. Libby's turn, he said he wondered if they made chastity belts that fit over the butt. The other girls laughed but I guess I didn't get it.

After we got tired of playing games, I asked Mr. Libby what it was like working for the Vice President. Mr. Libby thought for a while, then said, "Like working for Saddam Hussein but without the laughs."

"Will you miss the White House?" I asked.

"Oh, I suppose I'll miss some things. Starting wars whenever we felt like it. Lying for Christ. That kind of stuff."

"So what will you do now?" I asked.

Mr. Libby said, "The Vice President gave me a glowing letter of reference and he's still got some friends over at Halliburton. I guess I'll make ends meet." Then he chuckled.

Why Harriet Miers withdrew from the Supreme Court nomination

2005-10-27T00:35:00.000-04:00

Harriet Miers learned only yesterday, weeks after accepting President Bush's nomination for Supreme Court Justice, that she will no longer be able to bill at $600 per hour for her time.

"What do you mean, Supreme Court judges are paid a flat salary?" Ms. Miers was heard to say to Andrew Card, President Bush's Chief of Staff. "I didn't work my ass off all these years to get by on a couple hundred grand a year."

"We assumed you knew that judges on the Supreme Court don't necessarily get rich," Mr. Card said. "Haven't you ever seen how Clarence Thomas dresses under those judicial robes. We're all pretty sure he shops at Goodwill."

"If that's the case," Ms. Miers said, "then you can just withdraw my name from consideration."

When notified of the decision, President Bush told Mr. Card that he was "sorry about losing the most qualified person in the United States."

A few minutes later for some reason, Champagne corks were popping throughout the White House. I don't drink alcohol so I didn't bother asking why.

Ms. Miers can be seen carrying the
President's luggage for which she
earns $600 per hour.

President Bush got a little upset

2005-10-26T11:06:00.000-04:00

If you've been reading the liberal newspapers, you've probably come across some story that goes: "Facing the darkest days of his presidency, President Bush is frustrated, sometimes angry and even bitter." Then there's something to the effect that he has been yelling at junior staffers.

Here are the actual facts behind that slanderous story.

The other day, I was on my usual route at the White House delivering confidential memos when Barbie, the President's personal secretary called me over. The previous evening, she'd been eating at a Mexican restaurant and I reckon I don't need to paint a picture. Anyway, she wanted me to answer the phone for a few minutes while she answered the call of nature in the restroom.

As soon as I sat down at Barbie's desk, the phone rang. I answered it and it turned out to be the President's mother, Mrs. Barbara Bush.

"Can I speak to my son?" Mrs. Bush asked and I said certainly.

I hit the intercom and said, "Mr. President, Mrs. Bush is on the line." And then President Bush took the call.

A few minutes later, a real angry looking President Bush charged out of the Oval Office and came up to the desk.

"Who are you?" he asked.

I've got to admit I was feeling kind of scared right then. "I'm Nancy Jo. I'm an intern."

"You the one I like to call Monica?" he asked.

"Yes Sir," I replied meekly not about to say how much I hated that nickname.

"Why the hell didn't you tell me my mother was on the line?" the President asked.

"Sir, I told you it was Mrs. Bush."

"I thought you meant Laura. I don't mind speaking to Laura. She's a tolerable Mrs. Bush. My mother on the other hand, I can't stand talking to that woman. She don't worship me like Condi and Harriet and Karen do. She still talks to me like I'm her little boy instead of the most powerful human being in the universe."

"I'm sorry, Sir," I said. "I didn't know you don't take calls from your mother."

President Bush pointed to a framed sign sitting on the desk by the phone — a sign I hadn't noticed until then.

"What's that say?" he asked.

I read it out loud, "Under no circumstances say that the President of the United States is in when Mrs. Barbara Bush calls."

"Ain't that plain enough?" the President asked.

"Sorry Sir, it won't happen again."

"I swear," the President said, "that if we were paying you, I'd have you fired. But since you're working for nothing, I guess we're getting what we pay for."

Then the President turned on his heels and returned to the Oval Office. Before closing the door, he said, "I don't want to be disturbed. It's my after-lunch nap time."

I admit that I made a mistake and President Bush had every right to be mad at me. But that's the only time I've ever seen the President less than totally chipper. And why shouldn't he be happy? He's got another three years to do God's work on earth and a great bunch of people advising him.

Ben Bernanke—A good second choice for Federal Reserve Chairman

2005-10-25T14:09:00.000-04:00

Ben Bernanke, a former economics professor, was chosen Monday by President Bush to be the next chairman of the Federal Reserve, the most influential economic policy job in the world.

Although most folks in the financial markets seem to be pleased with the selection, Mr. Bernanke was not President Bush's first choice.

That honor goes to Ted (Pencilhead) Spivak, the President's personal accountant. How do I know this? I happened to accidently overhear a discussion between President Bush and Vice-President Cheney.

BUSH:...and so that's why I think Pencilhead ought to be the next Fed Chairman.

CHENEY: Are you f--king nuts? Why would you pick a motherf--king bookkeeper to run the Fed? The f--king markets will drop 5,000 points if you announce that.

BUSH: I did a thorough search. I asked Harriet who she thought might be good and we agreed that Pencilhead is a good Christian accountant who's good with money. Remember that tip he gave us to get out of Bill Frist's family's business.

CHENEY: I'm not saying that Pencilhead can't find his way around a spreadsheet. But the Fed Chairman is the most powerful economist in the world. Pencilhead isn't even a chartered accountant.

BUSH: That's the kind of thing I'd expect to hear from the elites. Pencilhead's got street smarts. And remember, he was the first non-Jew to become director of the Texas Accountancy Association.

CHENEY: But Mr. President, Pencilhead is a dumba-- bookkeeper. He has no experience setting interest rates or fighting inflation.

BUSH: Well, Harriet's got no experience as a judge and she going to be a jim-dandy Supreme Court Justice. Besides, I know what's in Pencilhead's heart.

CHENEY: Mr. President, Pencilhead will be replacing Alan Greenspan. The man is practically a god on Wall Street. Shouldn't you aim a little bit higher than just another friend from Texas?

BUSH: But I already promised Pencilhead something big in the administration.

CHENEY: Hurricane season is almost over. You could make him Acting Head of FEMA until next June and then maybe, Ambassador to Baghdad.

BUSH: Sounds good. Know anyone who might work out over at the Fed?

Sometimes, the best way to judge the quality of a president is by the way he treats the people close to him. And no one treats his friends with more loyalty than President Bush.

Hurricane Wilma hits close to home

2005-10-24T22:36:00.000-04:00

I've got some fine relatives who live in Bonita Springs, Florida. Today, they sat through the worst hurricane to hit the United States in a hundred years. Sadly, one of their neighbors died this morning when a tree fell on him as he was checking to see how much damage there was to the golf course.

I feel certain President Bush will ensure emergency relief reaches the Naples area immediately. My uncle tells me they can really use bottled water, preferably mineral water with bubbles.

Hurricane Wilma turned out to be even more
destructive than expected as it tore through Florida.
Here's my uncle's deck.

My cousins, Ava and Eva Braun, are professional singers who will be giving a concert at the Bonita Springs Dog Track this Saturday night to raise funds for victims of the hurricane who are members of the Daughters of the American Revolution.

You may already know Ava and Eva from their debut CD, How White I Am on which they perform their hit singles God made me white for a reason and White is the only color that don't clash.

If you'll be in southern Florida this weekend, do stop by and support the Florida chapter of the D.A.R.

President Bush bravely fights illness

2005-10-21T15:22:00.000-04:00

This morning, Walter Reed Army Medical Center sent over its report on President George Bush's health following his semi-annual check-up. It seems the stress of presiding over the world's most powerful nation, 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, is finally taking its toll.

In glancing at the report prior to dropping it off outside the Oval Office, I noticed that President Bush has fallen victim to a relatively rare illness: Adult Onset Attention Deficit Disorder (AOADD).

Back home in Waco, for a while doctors thought my baby brother Rick Bob might have had ADD. But it just turned out that he's retarded.

According to the report, President Bush may have had Adult Onset ADD for many years without anyone knowing it although after checking the symptoms of the illness at a medical Web site, I don't see how the President matches any of the symptoms.

From DoctorCribSheet.com, these are the symptoms of AOADD:

-Starts but cannot finish projects
-Easily distracted
-Cannot juggle several projects simultaneously
-Disorganized
-Makes poor decisions
-Unable to articulate simple thoughts
-Cannot prioritize
-May suffer from delusions of adequacy

Doctors recommend placing the President on Ritalin.

Knowing that the President is a victim of AOADD only makes me admire him more. To have a mental illness and still lead the Republican Party better than anyone before or after just shows how great President George W. Bush is.

President Bush wants guns back on airplanes...Hooray!

2005-10-20T16:16:00.000-04:00

Daddy still talks about the good old days when a man could carry his sidearm onto any old commercial flight he wanted to.

"In those days, we had a fighting chance against terrorists with box cutters," Daddy has pointed out on numerous occasions.

And thanks to President Bush and the Republican Congress, those "good old days" may be returning.

Thanks to the fine work of the National Rifle Association (member since 1991), Congress today passed a bill protecting the firearms industry from massive crime-victim lawsuits.

"Our laws should punish criminals who use guns to commit crimes, not law-abiding manufacturers of lawful products," said President Bush as he prepares to sign the bill.

President Bush went on to say, "For too long, gun manufacturers have been the victims of class action lawyers and litagators out to squeeze every nickel out of law-abiding manufacturers of lawful products."

"Law-abiding manufacturers of lawful gun products should have the same rights as law-abiding manufacturers of any other lawful products such as laundry detergent or automobile tires," the President said.

"If a criminal uses laundry detergent in the commission of a crime — you know, money laundering or some such," President Bush pointed out, "we're not about to persecute the folks at Tide."

When asked if the President could foresee the time when handguns would once again be allowed onto commercial airliners, the President said, "I think the time is right around the corner. What better security is there than 200 passengers, each armed with a Beretta or Colt, ready to shoot some threatening terrorist?"

"I know I'd feel a whole lot safer sitting beside some swarthy foreigner knowing my trusty six-shooter is dangling from my shoulder," President Bush said.

In summing up, the President stated, "There's one thing I learned from Hurricane Katrina. Guns save lives. Not a single American carrying a gun in New Orleans after the storm was raped or robbed. What does that tell you?"

Is Karl Rove seeking an appointment to the Supreme Court?

2005-10-17T17:18:00.000-04:00

I thought that Karl Rove was fully committed to the President's choice for the Supreme Court, Harriet Miers. But I'm not so sure anymore.

This morning, I passed Mr. Rove's office. Although the door was shut, I could still hear Mr. Rove. He was talking about the Constitution of the United States. Except it was more like he was practising a speech he intended to give on the Constitution.

I kind of assumed he was getting ready for a confirmation hearing.

He kept repeating, "I wish to invoke my Fifth Amendment right under the Constitution. I wish to invoke my Fifth Amendment right under the Constitution."

I didn't even know that Mr. Rove was a lawyer. But if President Bush wants him as a back-up to Ms. Miers, I put my full trust into any selection the President makes.

Harriet Miers — Have God Will Travail

2005-10-13T09:16:00.000-04:00

Here's why I LOVE President George W. Bush. He is the first president to make it clear that Christianity counts in America when it comes to picking people for important jobs. No more Ruth Bader Ginsburgs, if you get my drift. And certainly no Hindus or Muslims or Democratic athiests.

Before naming Ms. Miers, the President had her sign the standard Republican Loyalty Oath in which she outlined what she intended to do for Christians, the Republicans and America. Ms. Miers's Loyalty Oath is proudly displayed in the foyer, just outside the Oval Office. He are some of the more interesting parts:

I, Harriet Condoleezza Miers, solemnly pledge to President George W. Bush and Jesus Christ that once confirmed to the Supreme Court, I will undertake the following:

I will have Terry Schiavo's body exhumed and put back onto life supports until the Lord sees fit to awaken her.

I will make it illegal for people of the same sex to touch in sexually explicit ways. For instance, female babies will have to be breast fed by their fathers.

I will lessen the penalties for rape so that rapists have the opportunitiy to take responsibility for the babies that they father in lieu of aborting the blessed little babies.

I will ensure that the Ten Commandments, as amended by the Bush administration, are displayed in all public buildings and schools. Also in schools, the Lord's prayer will be said at the start of every class and when entering the cafeteria and before gym.

I will have the word "evolution" removed from all text books and dictionaries used by school chrildren. In its place, I suggest "Godolution".

I will have 3-day waiting periods for gun purchases outlawed as I am sure Christ would never have waited.

The death penalty will be applied to children 8 years of age and over, thus discouraging young would-be suicide bombers.

Amnesty will be available to all Senators and White House staff who are currently under investigation for campaign funds irregularities, stock fraud and leaking confidential information in the name of doing the Lord's work through Republicanism.

There were some other pledges but they were mostly boring legal comments about the justice system. You can always read them if you take the White House tour.

Karl Rove swears to God and James Dobson that Harriet Miers is "one of us"

2005-10-12T23:58:00.000-04:00

As you probably know, the highly respected group, Focus on the Family, is regarded as "Christian values in action." That is to say, we believe that anyone who performs abortions should be put to death.

James Dobson, the founder of Focus on the Family, for some reason had concerns about Harriet Miers selection by President Bush to the Supreme Court. So he met with Karl Rove, the President's Turd Blossom, and Mr. Rove was able to convince Mr. Dobson that Ms. Miers is "one of us."

Since the conversation between the two of them was recorded (it's surprising how much of that still goes on), I was able to read the transcript as I delivered it to the White House archives. Here's a bit that should convince you too that Ms. Miers shares our opinions on important issues.

DOBSON:"You understand our concern, don't you? We're focused on families and you folks are appointing a single woman, practically one of the characters from Sex and the City, not that I've ever seen that degenerate Jewish-focused, New York-focused, gay-inspired program."

ROVE:"Harriet may be single in the secular sense. But she's like a nun. You know, nuns consider themselves brides of Christ. Harriet, just like Condi, consider themselves brides of Bush. Although not actually married to the President, they devote themselves to him, more so than even Laura."

DOBSON:"I don't care if she's the bride of Frankenstein, what I need to know is her position on Christian concerns."

ROVE:"Don't you worry about that. Harriet's as Christian as they come. Although she's never said so publicly, she is adamant about overturning Roe vs. Wade. She has told me that no matter what case is pending before her — antitrust or a murder appeal or anything — she's just going to keep voting against abortion until the other justices get sick of her tactics and vote with her."

DOBSON:"Can she do that?"

ROVE:"Damn...er sorry, darn straight she can. She'll be a Supreme Court judge. She can do as she pleases. And she aims to please you, Jimmy boy."

DOBSON:"So where does she stand on evolution?"

ROVE:"She's a hundred and ten percent against it. Just the other day, she was remarking on how much the world has accomplished in the last 9,000 years, since the world was created. And she's not talking about no Intelligent Designer. No sir. She wants God taught in every science class whether it's biology or physics or mathematics. Harriet believes God created numbers. Yes sir."

DOBSON:"I'm liking what I hear so far. But how do we know she won't become another Souter or O'Connor going liberal once she gets her seat."

ROVE:"I swear to God that she won't."

DOBSON:"Coming from a man of your integrity, I guess I'll have to accept what you say."

It's time we took credit for the Iraq civil war

2005-10-10T14:43:00.000-04:00

Remember, you read about this first right here.

Vice-President Dick Cheney asked me to proofread a memo he has written. (He didn't say it was confidential or anything.) Except for a few misplaced colons and excessive foul language, which I was told not to clean up, the memo is extraordinarily enlightening.

I had absolutely no idea that the Bush administration was purposely creating an environement in Iraq that would lead to civil war and de-stabilization of the entire region. For all who doubted that the Bush administration knew exactly what it was doing, this memo should change your minds, once and for all.

From: Vice President Dick Cheney
To: President Bush, Donald Rumsfeld, C. Rice, Sean Hannity

As it now appears that civil war in Iraq is inevitable, it would be foolish of this administration not to take credit.

F--K the freedom and democracy bulls--t and let's just state categorically that it was always our intention to de-stabilize Iraq and any other Muslim country that f--ks with America.

When President Bush said "Mission Accomplished", he wasn't premature. Our mission to begin a civil war in Iraq was indeed accomplished.

Why a civil war? It keeps those Muslims occupied. They're like children. If they don't have each other to kill, they start looking at us.

So let's look at the positive side of taking credit for the Iraqi civil war.

1. We can now pull our troops out immediately since we actually want the Sunnis and Shittes at each other's throats.

2. We no longer have to put up with that "no WMDs" bulls--t. We'll just say we always knew that Saddam had nothing. Finding WMDs was a red herring. Starting a civil war was always our intention.

3. De-stabilizing the Mideast causes energy prices to rise, which is GOOD! Cuts down on driving which is good for the environment; increases revenue for America's energy companies which is GOOD since it makes our own companies stronger so we'll depend less on foreign energy companies. "What's good for Texaco is good for America!" I think the public will buy that.

4. Because it's a "civil war", we can leave the Iraq mess in the capable hands of the United Nations. (Our base will really like that.)

5. As a foreign policy success, our presence in Iraq was well worth the $400 billion and 2,000 or so American lives.

6. The Democrats in Congress who voted in favor of the War in Iraq will be left humiliated since they voted for something they didn't know was happening.

7. We no longer have to hold hands with Muslim leaders in public.

By the way, if this works as well as I think it will, I'm pretty sure we can convince the public that the administration allowed Hurricane Katrina to destroy New Orleans as part of our Urban Renewal Program.

There are no lack of opportunities to demonstrate that our administration is always planning well ahead.

President Bush and God take a meeting

2005-10-07T14:55:00.000-04:00

It's a sad state of affairs in the United States of America when the White House spokesman, Scott McClellan, has to tell the American people that it's "absurd" that President George W. Bush talks to God. Of course, President Bush talks to God. What's more, God talks back.

I remember Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld explaining to us new interns how America went to Iraq. According to the Secretary, "President Bush looked up to the Heavens and said 'Lord, I intend to invade Iraq. If you don't think this is a good idea, give me a sign like a hurricane in Texas.' Since God sent no hurricanes during the entire month of March, it was obvious that President Bush was doing God's work in invading Iraq."

(This isn't quite as dramatic as God dictating the Ten Commandments to Moses or parting the Red Sea, but it's still mighty impressive.")

On another occasion, I was picking up confidential memos to be shredded and I came across the President's agenda for the day. Naturally, it was a too good a souvenir to throw away. (When the President writes his memoirs, he may thank me for keeping this vital piece of information.) Here's part of that agenda:

Agenda for President George W. Bush
Monday, September 26, 2005

7:00 - 7:45 a.m.—Breakfast - Choice of Trix or Cap'n Crunch, chocolate milk, banana, surprise treat

7:45 - 7:55 a.m.—Defense Briefing - Don Rumsfeld to detail why War in Iraq is going well

7:55 - 8:00 a.m.— Tom DeLay Meeting - Discuss contributions for next year's Congressional election; ask DeLay to lose your phone number

8:00 - 9:30 a.m. — Talk to God - Discuss deficit spending, dealing with Hurricanes Katrina and Rita, War on Drugs, War in Afghanistan, War in Iraq, War on Poverty, Supreme Court selections, energy shortage, drilling in Alaska, helping Karl Rove, an appropriate Christmas gift for Mrs. Laura Bush, and if time permits, whether a vacation in Crawford is warranted for the last two weeks in October

9:30 - 12:00 a.m.—Free Time- Skateboarding in Maryland

Needless to say, the agenda goes on and on. But you see my point. President Bush devotes a significant portion of his day getting advice from our Lord.

Holy smoke...there's a spy in Vice President Cheney's office

2005-10-06T17:31:00.000-04:00

As I walked past the office door of Vice President Cheney this morning, I heard him screaming at the top of his lungs: "Kill that f--king Filippino wetback a--hole. Put his (anatomical part) in a vice and squeeze his f--king (squirrel food) until blood comes out his motherf--king eyes."

I guessed the Vice President was angry but didn't know why.

This afternoon, all White House staff received a memo from Brenda, the VP's secretary explaining the VP's outburst.

To all staff:

You may notice that Leandro Aragoncillo, the U.S. marine who used to be on Vice President Cheney's staff, is no longer employed here.

It seems that Leandro, who we all remember from the staff Christmas party as the Filippino wearing the lampshade on his head, was a spy.

The White House continues to frown upon those employees who leak confidential information, Karl Rove and Scooter Libby excepted.

Leandro worked at the White House for about three years and those of us who knew him will miss his wry sense of humor and those tasty little cakes he'd bring in around Easter.

Leandro's espionage only involved matters pertaining to the Phillipines, so any damage was minimal. (President Bush thought the Phillipines were in Pennsylvania, so you'd think Leandro wouldn't be in too much trouble.) Still we can't have employees, other than Mr. Rove and Mr. Libby, divulging Top Secret material.

So let's wish Leandro well in his future pursuits that are likely to include a visit to Leavenworth.

Brenda

Why Harriet Miers is my choice for the Supreme Court

2005-10-05T12:27:00.000-04:00

When President George W. Bush nominated Harriet Miers (or Oscar Miers as the President calls her) to the Supreme Court, I was thrilled. You just can't do better than a woman lawyer from Texas, my home state.

A lot of folks have been complaining that she has no judging experience. That's simply not true. A few months back, the White House held a contest for fourth graders asking them to write an essay on "Why I would make a great Republican president." Harriet Miers was among the judges and she did a dandy job of picking a winner. (That child is now in our Republican training program.)

There are other folks complaining about cronyism because Ms. Miers had been the personal attorney of the President. But what better way is there for a President to select a Supreme Court judge than to she her in action? And President Bush was mighty impressed with the way Ms. Miers kept his drunk driving conviction out of the 2000 Presidential electon.

She also did a bang-up job as Texas Lottery Commissioner, appointed by Governor Bush of Texas. During her time as Commissioner, there wasn't one single incident of too many ping pong balls popping out of the machine. (I must admit I'm a little disappointed that she took a job of promoting gambling among weak-willed, degenerate Texans but as a lawyer, I reckon she took on all kinds of distasteful tasks.)

I realize there are a lot of good Chriatian folk like Rush Limbaugh who are concerned that Ms. Miers does not have a public record of condemning to hell all abortionists and gay people. But trust me, Ms. Miers stands with us on these important issues.

I can remember when one of the Cabinet undersecretaries got one of the White House secretaries pregnant. The White House secretary was contemplating an abortion and I heard Ms. Miers say, "Oh, isn't that just awful." And on another occasion, Vice-President Cheney brought his gay daughter Mary to the White House and Ms. Miers who was standing near to Mary move a few steps away.

Ms. Miers is a devout Christian, a long-time member of the Valley View Drive-In Church in suburban Dallas, a church I happen to know has no tolerance for abortion or homosexuals.

A lot of follks have been wondering about Ms. Miers' personal life, which isn't any of their business. But she does have a boyfriend, a Texas Supreme Court judge, with whom I'm sure she has never had pre-marital sex because she isn't that kind of woman!

Aborting black babies—a concept whose time has not come yet

2005-10-02T12:57:00.000-04:00

In Ronald Reagan's administration, William Bennett was Secretary of Education, so we know he's smart. In the George Bush the First (#41) administration, Mr. Bennett was Drug Czar, so we know he's aware of the effects of drugs. Mr. Bennett has written extensively about morality based on his own experiences as a degenerate gambler. Like the President who was once a degenerate alcoholic and drug-abuser, Mr. Bennett has reformed.

Nowadays, William Bennett, also called Uncle Willie by the current President, is a Republican whose opinions on Fox News are regarded as gospel.

This past week, Mr. Bennett said the crime rate in the United States would go down "if all black babies were aborted."

This week, the White House will issue a clarification. Here's a rough first draft I found by the shredding machine.

From the Office of the President of the United States:

In regards to the recent statement of William Bennett, an independent individual with no association to President George W. Bush, to anyone in his administration including Condoleezza Rice (who has never had an abortion, and may never have had sex with a man), or to anyone at the Republican National Headquarters, we wish to set this matter of "aborting black babies to reduce the crime rate" straight.

As Republicans, this administration is firmly against all abortion. If black babies, once born, happen to have an exceptionally high infant mortality rate, that's between God and the dead black babies. If a high infant mortality rate leads to a reduction in crime, it is certainly not due to Republican policies of reducing taxes for the rich and minimizing services for the poor.

Although Mr. Bennett used an example of "black" babies, we do not believe selecting a single group was racially motivated. We believe Mr. Bennett was referring to babies of many colors such as brown.

We would also emphasize that Mr. Bennett stated that aborting all African-American babies "would be an impossible, ridiculous, and morally reprehensible thing to do," even though the crime rate would go down. We agree.

It would be "impossible" because many black people are mulatto or just light-skinned, so you can't always tell if a black baby is on the way.

It would be "ridiculous" because the United States does not have enough doctors trained in abortion to handle the millions of abortions needed each year. And, again, we're against abortion.

"It would be "morally reprehensible" because if someone like Condoleezza Rice or Halle Berry ever gets pregnant, we couldn't bear to harm them.

While William Bennett was instrumental in making American education the best in the world and winning the War on Drugs, his opinions on the matter of abortion and black babies are not necessarily those of this administration.

Tom DeLay — Victim of Democrats' grudge

2005-09-29T13:11:00.000-04:00

I was speaking to my Daddy last night, long distance to Waco, Texas. He sounded kind of depressed on account of the "witch hunt", as he calls it, against Congressman Tom DeLay.

"One of my first summer jobs," Daddy said, "was working for Mr. DeLay's pest control company. I used to spray for bugs right alongside Mr. DeLay. He always said that if he could figure out a way to spray for Mexicans, he'd really be making money." Daddy kind of chuckled but his heart didn't seem to be in it.

"You want to know something, Nancy Jo. This whole Tom DeLay indictment is just Democratic payback. Those Democrats just never got over that incident in Dallas with Kennedy. They're still P.O'ed and now they're trying to assassinate the character of the best Texan in Congress."

"Lee Harvey Oswald wasn't a Republican Daddy," I said. "I thought he was a communist. At least, that's what you always told me."

"Nancy Jo, I was just trying to spare you."

"I can't believe a Republican would assassinate a president of the United States," I said in one of those rare occasions when I contradicted Daddy.

"It was payback time for the killing of Lincoln, a northerner, but still a Republican."

"But Lincoln was killed almost a century before Kennedy."

"It seems that both parties have long memories," Daddy said. "If you think of the Republicans and Democrats like Shiites and Sunnis, I think you'll have a better idea of our government."

"You've been drinking again, haven't you Daddy?" He hung up before I could say another word.

VP tells FCC to investigate ABC

2005-09-27T15:44:00.000-04:00

Even though Vice President Cheney is currently recuperating from heart surgery, he continues to take on a full load of government business. Just this morning, I carried a personal message from the Vice President to the Federal Communications Commission. Except for the cussing part, I agree with every word the Vice President wrote.

To: Michael K. Powell, Chairman
Federal Communications Commission

From: Dick Cheney, Vice President
The United States of America

Dear Mike,

I expected that when we appointed you to keep your eye on the TV networks, you'd be paying attention. So what the f--k have you been doing in that cushy job?

Do you know what's on TV tonight? Some piece of crap called "Commander in Chief". It's about a f--king woman president! A f--king c--t in charge of America. Is this why we have public airwaves? To let any retard put on any d--n TV show they feel like.

You know what this f--king show is all about, don't you? To get that lesbian c--t Clinton elected. In that stupid make-believe world of TV presidents, this dumb--s show is going to portray a woman doing a good job of running America. What a f--king fantasy.

Do we really believe a woman would have had the balls to invade Iraq like we did? No f--king way. Women dither.

..."Should we go in now or should we wait to see if there really are WMDs?"

..."Is Saddam dangerous or is he just pretending to be dangerous?"

..."Should I finish my vacation or should I take charge of this disaster?"

By the time a woman would have made up her menopausal mind, the term would have been over without any war.

Now this c--t, Geena Davis is going to pretend that she knows how to lead men, that she knows how to handle crises. Hurricanes may be named after women but you can bet they don't know what to do if one hits.

Isn't it bad enough we've got the "West Wing" on the air showing America that a cripple can run the country better than a marathon-running, brush-cutting, cyclist like George Bush.

Now we're going to have a mood-swinging, PMS-spraying, bimbo b---h telling half the voters in America (I don't expect any men to watch this horses--t) that a woman could do a better job of budgeting and diplomacy and all the other s--t that we do.

Do we really want America's women to start thinking that a distaff president is a reasonable possibility? Do we really want a bunch of c--ts standing around the water coolers of America tomorrow morning talking about how much better Geena Davis is than George Bush? Or worse, that Hillary Clinton is presidential material.

I want you to call up whatever a--hole at Disneyland is in charge of ABC and tell that f--ker that this "Commander in Chief" better be cancelled by next week or Mike, you can join your Dad on the unemployment line.

Best regards,
Dick

Is this the kind of person America wants as President? I don't think so. (I apologize for introducing this pornography into my diary but I think it's important for good Christian Republicans to see just the type of person this Geena Davis really is. Not the kind of woman you'd want your son to marry.)

Questioning Senator Bill Frist's stock transaction

2005-09-26T10:27:00.000-04:00

I just don't get it. Some folks expect our U.S. Senators to be plain stupid and I know for a fact that Senator Bill Frist isn't stupid.

Here's what's going on. Senator Frist owned some stock in a hospital company that was founded by his daddy. A while back, he discovered (probably from a relative in the company) that the hospital company was not going to be doing well. So before most people found out, Senator Frist sold his stock while the value was still high.

But doesn't that simply make sense? Why should the Senator lose money just because a bunch of other investors are going to lose money down the road? Wouldn't it make him stupid to hold on to stock that he knew was going down in value? Do we want stupid Senators in Congress?

Now, Martha Stewart, that bitchy Democrat, did something competely different. She discovered that some stock she was holding was going to drop in value and she sold before other investors found out. What's different is, her daddy didn't found the company in which she sold the stock.

The reason Senator Frist will never become a felon like that bitchy Martha is because of good, old family values— the future value of stock that only other family members know about. Since the Republican Party is the only one to support family values, Senator Frist's integrity remains unimpeachable.

America...Be proud of your President

2005-09-25T11:00:00.000-04:00

I don't think I've ever been prouder of an American president than I have been of President George W. Bush this weekend.

As Hurricane Rita, a once-Category 5 storm approach the shores of Texas, President Bush led the American prayer effort from Colorado where he could speak to God without being distracted by winds and rain. And it worked!

By the time the hurricane came ashore, it barely was responsible for any deaths (if you don't count the old folks in the bus fire trying to escape Rita) and the damage, at least in Texas, is no more than 2 billion dollars. Hardly a love-bite from God, compared to Hurricane Katarina, which the Lord aimed at two of America's most sinful cities, New Orleans and Biloxi.

Through presidential-led prayer, what was likely to have been a catastrophic storm turned out to be nothing more than an ordinary Gulf hurricane — something God throws at us all the time to indicate America is still His chosen country.

(According to some, Jews claim to be his chosen people. And maybe they used to be, what with all the holocausts and programs in Eastern Europe and inquisitions.) All I can believe is that God hurts the ones He loves. So He's definitely blessing America.

The imporant thing right now is that while a couple million people are currently displaced, America's capacity to refine oil was hardly touched. The administration prayed extra hard to keep gas prices at the pump down to our traditional $3 a gallon.

I spoke to Daddy this morning. He said because of my prayers, Waco got nothing more from Hurricane Rita than a refreshing breeze on a hot day. Thank you Jesus.

Vatican to outsource jobs

2005-09-23T09:14:00.000-04:00

As most of you know, I'm a graduate of the DeVry Evangelical Institute in Waco with a degree as a Registered Divinity Assistant. So this morning, I was speaking with the school's dean, the Reverend Gillmore Highbottom, about job prospects once my White House internship ends.

"Things are looking up for unemployed clergy and alike," Rev. Highbottom said.

"Really," I said. "Why is that?"

"The Vatican just announced that they're clearing out all the gays from the Catholic Church," the Reverend said. "I don't reckon there's going to be too many priests left, if you get my drift."

"Certainly not all priests are gay," I said.

"Of course not," the Reverend said, "They got straight ones too. But them's the ones you got to watch for diddling children."

So I said, "I still don't understand how this will help my job prospects."

"Let's say the Catholic Church clears out 70% of their priests and 90% of their prospects in seminaries, there's going to be a big need for trained folks to fill in. Nancy Jo, you're a divinity professional."

"But I'm not Catholic," I said.

"Don't matter," Reverend Higbottom said. "When an organization outsources jobs, they'll use anyone they can get their hands on that has the skills. And at the DeVry Evangelical Institute, we're proud to train our students to handle just about any Christian religion on an emergency basis. Really Nancy Jo, what's so darn hard about sitting behind a curtain and hearing perverts confess their sins?"

"Is that all there is to it?" I asked.

"Mostly," the Reverend replied. "For Sunday Mass, it looks like the Church will just use a standard DVD of a service projected onto a big screen TV. You'll probably help to hand out the crackers and wine."

"I know the Vatican prefers celibacy but wouldn't it just be better for the Vatican to let priests marry like normal ministers?" I asked.

"I don't see why not," Reverend Highbottom said. "I've been married thirty years and no one's more celibate than me."

Let us pray

2005-09-22T10:21:00.000-04:00

My hometown is Waco, Texas, just a short ride from President Bush's ranch in Crawford.

As Hurricane Rita heads straight for the Texas coast, I am praying extra hard to the Lord that He spare Waco and the Crawford ranch, which are only about 240 miles from Galveston.

As you might remember, when Hurricane Katrina entered the Gulf of Mexico, I prayed that the Lord spare Texas and my prayer was answered. Here's my prayer for Hurricane Rita.

Lord, I can understand You sending a hurricane into the Florida Keys which are filled with Sodomites, although it turns out You didn't hit the Keys very hard after all. I guess in Your Goodness, even Sodomites have the right to live.

Now for some reason, You've got a category 5 hurricane heading straight for the people in America who love You the most. Right now, there are a million Texans in trucks taking all their worldly guns and heading inland. Is this a test? It always seems that You're testing the most devout of us while atheists, Sodomites and even some Muslims like those rich sheiks go through life contented as a puppy on its momma's teat.

If it's a test, You can bet the folks of Texas will pass with flying colors. You can blow down every church in Galveston and Corpus Christi and we Christians will just rebuild them higher and more beautiful than before so we can worship Your Goodness with even greater conviction.

And don't You worry about flooding another city, Lord. America has money to burn when it comes to spending billions to rebuild after one of Your "Acts".

Lord, all I ask is that You spare President Bush's ranch in Crawford and my family home in Waco where Daddy just put in a new spa by the pool and just repainted the stable.

And if You've got any sparing left, maybe You could spare the Republican Party office in downtown Waco, which just took delivery of a new Xerox machine.

Lord, I know this Hurricane Rita is for the best. Obviously, You've got some cleaning to do. But no one loves You more than we Christian Republicans, so try to limit Your damage to Democratic districts.

I pray and I know that President Bush prays that You'll miraculously make the hurricane disappear before it reaches land. In fact, it seems that all that President Bush does is pray. Please Lord, cut him some slack. There are even some Republicans who are starting to believe that President Bush was not sent by You to do Your work on earth.

Give President Bush the power you gave to Moses and let President Bush part the hurricane so that half goes to Mexico and the other half goes to Canada.

Blessed are You Lord.

I really believe the Lord has heard my prayers.

Bush administration launches War on Poverty

2005-09-19T17:22:00.000-04:00

It's a fact that Hurricane Katrina threw a spotlight on the poor in America. I had the honor this morning of sitting in on an Oval Office brainstorming session of key players in the administration figuring out how to fight poverty. I took some notes.

PRESIDENT BUSH: According to what I've been reading in one of those news magazines in my doctor's waiting room, there are 37 million people in the United States living in poverty. It's getting a bit embarrassing, especially when them North Koreans living on grass are living better than our folks. What are we going to do about it?

KARL ROVE: Mr. President, the U.S. government has set the poverty line at $14,680 for a family of three. What if we lower the poverty line to $6,000, then America would have virtually no one living in poverty.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: That's the kind of thinking that won us two elections Karl. But now the media and even some Republicans are starting to look closely at what we say and do. What we needed to do was drop the poverty line before that hurricane hit. We just didn't react fast enough.

CONDOLEEZZA RICE: Poverty strikes the black community disproportionately hard. President Clinton did have some initiatives that seemed to have some success in alleviating poverty but this administration shut them down to cut taxes.

PRESIDENT BUSH: I hope you're not suggesting I have more interest in rich, white people than I do in poor, black folks.

RICE: No Sir, of course not. I was just pointing out a fact from history.

PRESIDENT BUSH: The reason I killed those Clinton initiatives was because, because...(President Bush turned to Mr. Rove while Mr. Rove said something into the President's ear) because we didn't want our administration being associated with anything that philandering pervert did. Every time a black youth received a Youth Opportunity Grant, those kids would be thinking of that Monica Lewinsky doing perverted things to Clinton and America cannot afford to put those thoughts in young black people.

LAURA BUSH: What if we have a National Prayer Day to end poverty? All Americans would pray and God would have to listen to 300 million people praying all at once.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Now that's a constructive suggestion, Honey. Jesus loves the poor. He just don't show it much while they're down here on earth. Maybe we could combine the National Prayer Day with Super Bowl Sunday so it don't interfere with a day in which Americans are doing much business.

RICE: What about actual programs for the poor?

PRESIDENT BUSH: You mean, bring back Sanford and Son? Heh heh. I think that Red Foxx feller is dead.

RICE: I was thinking more along the lines of allocating some money we're giving to Halliburton to rebuild Iraq to poverty programs in America.

At this point, Vice President Cheney grabbed his chest and tumbled to the floor, Paramedics arrived within seconds and the meeting broke up.

Big Spending in the Big Easy

2005-09-16T10:16:00.000-04:00

Last night, President Bush gave a speech from the heart of New Orleans. He pledged that America would do all it can to rebuild the city, even if it costs $200 billion.

You might have noticed the President didn't give too many details. This morning, I happened to be doing some photocopying for Vice-President Cheney and noticed he's already got a great proposal for remaking New Orleans.

Here are few of the highlights from the VP's Big Spending in the Big Easy:

"More Tax Cuts for the Weathy—By cutting taxes for the rich, more money will trickle down to the poor of New Orleans. For instance, rich people will have more discretionary income to purchase CDs of New Orleans jazz musicians. With every CD purchased, a jazz musician will have another dime to help the recovery of the local economy, i.e., shopping for groceries and hiring a bulldozer to knock down his former hovel."

"Reducing America's Bureaucracy—As we all know, Wal-Mart was able to get emergency supplies to the victims of Huricane Katrina while FEMA bureaucrats were still picking their butts. Instead of taking the blame for FEMA's inefficiency, this administration should do away with FEMA totally and hire a private contractor to take over the duty of rescuing people and property after a natural disaster. I suggest Halliburton receive a short-term contract (no more than 15 years) to see if this plan works."

"Tax Credits for Middle-Class Homeowners—A lot of New Orleans residents live in nice homes on high ground where there was no flooding. Many of these homes are very valuable, i.e., million dollar mansions. Because of Katrina, their property value dropped. The federal government should provide these residents with a tax credit equal to the loss in market value of their homes."

"Taxing Hybrid Vehicles—We don't want to be perceived as tax-cutters only during a disaster relief situation. So we should look at areas where adding taxes might be appropriate. People who drive hybrid vehicles use less gasoline thereby depriving the American and state treasuries of needed revenue from gas taxes. We should therefore add a tax on the purchase of these vehicles. We could also tax people who use solar power in their homes and drive up the cost of utility power."

"Maintaining High Lumber Duties—There's going to be a lot of rebuilding going on in New Orleans. By keeping the duties we charge on Canadian lumber imports high, everyone wins. The Treasury makes a lot of money. The cost of rebuilding homes in New Orleans will be high so that when each home is finished, it will have a high market value."

"Free Tuition—Students who were supposed to attend Tulane University no longer have a place to go to school. The administration can offer to pick up the tuition of those students who wish to attend a Bible College of their choice such as the DeVry Evangelical Institute."

With so many good ideas coming from the administration, New Orleans ought to be up and running within a matter of weeks.

George Bush has an ungrateful brother

2005-09-15T14:34:00.000-04:00

Here's somethig interesting you may not know about President George Bush. He's been so busy running the country and personally leading disaster relief that he's never had time to learn how to use his email. I think it's kind of cute that the leader of the Free World still needs his secretary to print out his personal emails so he can read them.

This morning I found one of those emails lying on top of the trash bin waiting to be shredded. It was an email from one of the President's brothers. (Because of my oath of confidentiality, I won't say which brother—Neil or Jeb—sent it.)

When I read it, I was shocked. I know there's no way I would invite that brother to Thanksgiving or Christmas ever again.

Here's the email:

Dear Turd Face, (I guess that's the President's nickname inside the family)

What the f--k's wrong with you Georgie?

Are you f--king my chances to become president because you're still jealous I got the better wife?

I always told Dad that once you got into the White House, the country would never elect another Bush. I said you were an idiot but Mom said, "Give Georgie a chance. He's bound to succeed at something." And now my chances of ever becoming president are going down the drain faster than water being pumped out of New Orleans.

Because of your lazy-assed stupidity and incompetence, I could end up being (title deleted for confidentiality) of this southern-fried-Jewish-retirement-home-state for the rest of my life.

Didn't I tell you to appoint someone to head FEMA who actually knew what to do in an emergency? Didn't I tell you that Brown panics if his sink leaks?

But no. You said "What are the odds of anything really bad happening twice in one administration?"

It's starting to seem to me that you are the unluckiest president America has ever seen. I mean, what are the odds of invading an Arab country and NOT finding weapons of mass destruction? What are the odds of that Pat Robertson praying for vacancies on the Supreme Court and two show up — both conservative justices? What are the odds of America's biggest natural disaster striking exactly when the president is on vacation? Although in your case I guess the odds were 50-50.

You've got the high ground on all the popular issues. You're anti-abortion, anti-gay marriage, anti-stem cell research, anti-evolution, anti-education, anti-poor people (which is not the same as anti-poverty as you seem to think) and pro-prayer. Yet your popularity is lower than an cow's udder than hasn't been milked in four days.

I'm feeling like I'm going down with the Titanic.

Georgie, pull yourself together. I realize you didn't count on getting elected for a second term. But at least pretend you're interested in being president.

People are watching you but they're judging me on how you do your job.

Stop screwing up my future.

Appalled at what goes on in blogs

2005-09-14T12:12:00.001-04:00

I am appalled with what people write in blogs in this country. I know it's a free country but the right to say plain stupid things should be a crime.

Although I do not go 'surfing' the Web to read blogs, we in the White House get regular reports from the FBI regarding seditious blogs. Here's the kind of garbage that no-nothing-do-nothings write about.

"You want to know who the biggest terrorist in the United States is? It's George W. Bush. He's had four years since 9/11 to to put together an emergency team that should be the best in the world. Instead, that f--k-up of a president hires a Keystone Cop and who knows how many hundreds of people died and got sick because of that one patronage decision. If terrorists are supposed to scare Americans, then no one scares the s--t out of me more than that bumbling President Dubya Bush."

I hope the FBI finds this blogger and shoots him down on the street like the weasel he is.

Here's another piece of scum that purports to be truth on the Internet.

"Where did the hundreds of billions of dollars for Homeland Security go? Halliburton seems to be getting its share. Dubya's oil buddies in Texas are getting their share. All the administration is doing is making it harder for Americans to travel by forcing every American to carry a passport to get back into our own country from Canada and Mexico. If two million Mexicans a year can enter the U.S. without a passport, how hard will it be for Al Qaeda? I assume that Bush has a buddy in the passport printing business."

Although President Bush does have a contributor in the passport printing business, it is entirely coincidental. The President is simply tightening up security by making it more difficult for folks to travel freely. By 2010, the administration expects that Americans will require passports to travel between states. No terrorist will ever slip between North Dakota and South Dakota ever again.

President Bush goes Cajun

2005-09-09T16:45:00.000-04:00

Michael Brown, the Director of FEMA, has been promoted for his fine work during the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina and he has returned to Washington where he will deal with plumbing and electrical emergencies at the White House.

A little known fact: Not a single Arab horse died in New Orleans thanks to the keen focus of Mr. Brown.

I was a little saddened to see Colin Powell bad-mouthing the administration for its handling of the New Orleans emergency. He's got nerve. If it weren't for Mr. Powell's speech at the U.N., American might not be in Iraq right now (although we don't really mind since we're still bringing freedom and democracy to the Iraqis).

President Bush has made it clear that returning New Orleans to its previous state of sinfulness, debauchery and depravity is his Number One priority.

Speaking before the media, the President stated: "I can hardly remember all the times I got hammered in the Big Easy," He then went on to say, "I can hardly remember all the times I needed antibiotics." (I don't know what he means.)

The President then announced, "You know this hurricane business took me away from my vacation a week early, a vacation I'd been counting on since my last vacation in July. Anyway, I've decided to mix some business and pleasure. I want to show the American public and the world that the Big Easy is open for business. So I'm going to finish my vacation in New Orleans. I'm bringing my dad along since Laura doesn't seem interested in joining me."

Here are Presidents 41 and 43 enjoying their trip to New Orleans.
Notice that Cindy Sheehan is nowhere to be seen.

Investigation into "What went right"

2005-09-07T11:20:00.000-04:00

Soon as all the folks in Louisiana and Mississippi have beds in a stadium or covered arena, President Bush will launch an investigation into what went "right" with Hurricane Katrina. (We'll let the Democrats dig up dirt on the couple things that might have gone wrong.)

I'd like to start the list of things that went "right":

—President Bush proved he is able to lead during a disaster with no more than four or five days' notice.

—That awful woman, Cindy Sheehan, finally got off the front page.

—The War in Iraq didn't seem so bad last week.

—The U.S. Weather Service was able to keep the hurricane from striking Texas.

—Over 99% of the levee walls held.

—The Bush administration was able to reduce the number of people on welfare rolls.

—Donations from countries like Canada and China helped subsidize the tax cuts that hard-working Americans deserve.

—As the President's mother Barbara Bush pointed out, most of the folks living in shelters are living better than they did before the hurricane.

—Sinfulness in New Orleans dropped significantly.

—President Bush asked Americans to pray that the hurricane might not be too severe and God listened.

—Nobody really important died.

President Bush is seen
comforting a victim of
Hurricane Katrina

Charity begins at the White House

2005-09-04T10:43:00.000-04:00

As you know, it is not the government's role to be helping every Tom, Dick and Harry who finds himself in trouble. (The government helps corporations and industries.)

Still, George W. Bush, our compassionate President, couldn't just stand by and watch those poor folks in New Orleans die because of hunger and dehydration. So within a week, he made sure every man, woman and child had food, a bottle of water and a blanket. Mission Accomplished, I say.

But it doesn't end there. I overheard Laura Bush and the President discussing what more they could personally do to help.

"George," Laura said. "I've got an idea."

"That sounds dangerous," the President said with a chuckle.

"I'm serious George. We've got that big, old ranch in Crawford sitting empty with all them rooms, each of which could hold a family. And we've got all those acres where evacuees could set up tents and huts for a while."

"Are you nuts?" George exclaimed. "That's the Western White House. I do business there. That's where I clear brush and ride my bicycle."

"George, we're not going to be using the ranch again until Thanksgiving. Doesn't it make sense for us to make a personal sacrifice for those poor wretched folks who are all stuck in the Astrodome?"

"But we've got some good dishes at the Ranch. And that plasma TV, it's brand new. Them New Orleans folks ain't familiar with finer things. They might break something."

"George, the Lord's been good to you. He made you rich even though you'd never done a day's work in your life. He made you popular even though nothing seems to have gone right since you became president. I think the Lord expects you to return the favor by being charitable."

"I suppose I could allow a few of the good ones to stay at the ranch a while, after thorough security checks naturally. And we'll need some monitors there to make sure the silverware doesn't go off for a walk. Hmmmm. How about I ask Condi and Colin if they'd mind living at the ranch for a month or so, just to keep an eye on things."

"George, you've got a good heart."

Does America really want aid from Sri Lanka?

2005-09-02T16:34:00.000-04:00

President Bush has been criticized by members of the American public and media for not acting quickly enough in getting relief to the folks hit by Hurricane Katrina. That is simply not fair.

President Bush cut short his vacation by nearly a week. And he packed in such a rush that he left behind his toiletry kit in Crawford. Air Force One had to make a return trip to get it.

If you've been watching TV, you've seen those citizens of New Orleans and Biloxi wailing that no one has come to their rescue; no one has brought them food or water or shelter. The fact is, America is not a socialist country where folks get to feed from the breast of the government. You can bet those folks down south didn't complain when George Bush handed them all tax cuts.

America is about independence and freedom, like Iraq will someday be. Certainly, acts of God like hurricanes can affect individuals. But what these people need is more faith in Jesus, not government welfare.

All of America has taken a hit from Katrina. Just look at the prices at the gas pumps. We're all in it together. We're all victims but we can't expect the government to give us all aid in a finger snap. And with all the tax cuts that those folks enjoyed for so long, it's not like the government's got a lot of cash to spread around.

Certainly it would have been nice if our National Guard were guarding our nation. But it's doing a more important job fighting for Iraqi freedom, so we have to make do with volunteers and militia outfits.

The one problem is that all kinds of foreign leaders have been calling up President Bush and offering to help the desperate folks down south.

I believe these leaders are just trying to humiliate America.

Can you imagine a planeload of Sri Lankans or Rwandans coming to the aid of the United States of America? The next thing you know, the United Nations will be sending peacekeepers to the SuperDome.

God working in America

2005-08-31T14:18:00.000-04:00

As most of you know, I'm a graduate of the DeVry Evangelical Institute with a degree as a Registered Divinity Assistant. So naturally when co-workers in the White House have questions about God, they come to me.

As you might expect, there were a few questions about Hurricane Katrina that has devastated a big chunk of the South (although my prayers were answered when God did not turn the hurricane toward Texas).

Trisha, my co-intern, wondered why God would punish America when we are fighting in His name against the evil in the Muslim world.

I explained that God did not punish America. He punished New Orleans and Biloxi — two of America's most evil cities. New Orleans is known for its debauchery and drunkedness while Biloxi has moved from Christianity to gambling.

So Trisha wanted to know why God punished so many innocent people, many of whom are good, God-fearing Christians.

I pointed out that you can't do good without collateral damage.

Why would God have collateral damage? Trisha wondered. She pointed out that God can do anything, so why not save innocent people?

My feeling here is that God did not want to embarrass President Bush. Although America is working so hard to create a better Iraq, we still have to inflict collateral damage to get our work done. If God shows that He too can't help but inflict collateral damage, President Bush becomes more in God's image.

Then Trisha wanted to know why God would even send a hurricane in the first place?

Having studied Intelligent Design 101 and received an A+ on my essay, God: What's the point of having power if you don't use it?, I was able to explain that natural disasters are God's way of saying, "Hey folks, don't forget about me."

But why doesn't God just use His power for good things? Trisha wanted to know.

I said that if God only used His power for good things like killing abortion doctors, gay couples and liberal Supreme Court judges, then we Christians would lose our appreciation of the good things He does.

I could tell that Trisha was still having trouble understanding the relationship of a killer hurricane and the benevolence of God. So I said, look to the Bible.

About five or six thousand years ago, God brought a Great Flood upon the earth survived only by Noah, his family and a bunch of animals. Had it not been for the flood, the earth would still have dinosaurs roaming about. Can you imagine the kind of damage those animals would do in downtown Waco or Washington? Can you imagine how much food they would eat leaving a lot less for us humans?

The Great Flood got rid of the dinosaurs so that we Christians could live a better life.

I think Trisha finally got it.

Stroke of genius

2005-08-19T11:28:00.000-04:00

The "Terrorism in Texas" has come to an end, thank the Lord. That awful mother of a dead U.S. soldier, Cindy Sheehan, has finally left Crawford and now President Bush can finally relax on his vacation.

As I pointed out in my last entry, folks here at the White House were trying to figure out how to get that woman away from the President. It turned out charging her with prostitution, even in Texas, wouldn't work.

Then Vice-President Cheney came up with a great idea.

"We've got that fat-assed preacher Pat Robertson praying for vacancy on the Supreme Court," Vice-President Cheney pointed out.

Perhaps you've seen the Reverend Robertson (I don't believe the term used by the Vice-President is really appropriate) on his television program praying real hard to the Lord asking that someone like Ruth Bader Ginsburg or that Souter fellow dies so their seat can be taken by a true Christian Republican.

"Lord," the Reverend Robertson says, "can't you just smite a liberal judge so America can serve you better. Lord, can't you grow a giant tumor in Ruth Bader Ginsburg's head so she would have to resign. Lord, can't you have a Palestinian terrorist blow up Justice Ginsburg (while making sure no Christians are hurt).

So far, Pat Robertson's prayers have not been answered although there are some in the administration who believe Sandra Day O'Connor's resignation may have been the work of the Reverend Robertson.

Anyway, Vice-President Cheney personally called up Pat Robertson.

"Pat, you old miracle worker you. How's the prayer business going?"

"I've got a few good contracts," the Rev. Robertson said. "Tom DeLay has me praying that Bill Frist become paralyzed, now that he supports stem cell research. And of course, I have the annual contract from Focus on the Family to pray that Hillary Clinton suffer from ovarian cancer."

"Can you handle another prayer contract?" Vice-President Cheney asked.

"For you, of course," the Rev. Robertson replied. "What do you want God to do."

"I suppose you've seen that f--king Sheehan b--ch on TV terrorizing President Bush. It seems we've got no f--king legal means of getting that c--t out of Crawford. So we want you to pray to the Lord, or Allah to whoever the f--k you pray to and get that c--t out of Crawford. And make sure to tell God it's a priority."

"It sounds like this could require simultaneous prayers to Jesus and God. That's ten thousand dollars an hour," the Rev. Roberston said.

"Make it happen and we'll toss in a fill-up at the gas station of your choice," said the Vice-President.

I guess you know the rest. Mrs. Sheehan's mother had a stroke, thanks to the work and prayer of Reverend Pat Robertson, and Mrs. Sheehan finally left Crawford.

I heard President Bush broke 90 for the first time in a week. He's taken quite a few strokes off his game. Ha ha.
Thank you Jesus.

The Patriot Act in action

2005-08-15T15:42:00.001-04:00

Usually, I don't work on weekends — especially since I don't get paid. But this past weekend, the White House was hopping with a pressing emergency and everyone who is anyone had to show up.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales was there and so was Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff, along with the usual White House regulars.

The subject: Terrorism in Texas.

President Bush is being terrorized by Cindy Sheehan and other parents of dead service personnel.

The question under discussion during the White House confab was whether Ms. Sheehan could be labeled a terrorist and therefore locked up at Guantanamo Bay, at least until President Bush's vacation is over.

"Has she threatened the President?" Mr. Chertoff asked.

"I believe implicit in her actions of peaceful protest outside the President's Crawford Ranch is that she is threatening to ruin the President's vacation," Mr. Gonzales replied.

"Are President's vacations covered by the Patriot Act?" Mr. Chertoff asked.

"Again, it's open to interpretation but the Patriot Act does provide a significant amount of latitude to enforcement agencies to ensure the security of the President and I saw President Bush on TV yesterday talking to reporters and he didn't look too secure," Mr. Gonzales responded.

"Are there any other instances of mothers of dead U.S. soldiers being labeled as terrorists?" Mr. Chertoff asked.

"I think we could get away by labeling the mothers of John Wilkes Booth and Lee Harvey Oswald as terrorists," Mr. Gonzales suggested.

"Is there any chance we could strap a suicide bomb belt on Mrs. Sheehan while she's asleep and arrest her for putting lives in peril?" Vice-President Cheney piped up.

"Too much media coverage," Mr. Gonzales said. "I really think we'll have to go with the usual Texas standby."

"What's that?" asked Mr. Chertoff.

"Soliciting the President for purposes of prostitution," said Mr. Gonzales. "We'll drop the charges after Labor Day."

"I hope it works," said Vice-President Cheney. "I heard the President had four triple bogeys yesterday."

President Bush checks in for messages

2005-08-10T13:35:00.000-04:00

This morning as I was walking by the Oval Office, Barbie, the President's secretary asked me to take over the phone while she dashed into the ladies' room. Seems she had eaten at an Indian restaurant last night. I think it's about time our native people started fending for themselves and opening up businesses in Washington.

While I was at the desk, the phone rang.

"Collect call from Crawford," the operator said.

O my gosh, it was the President calling to pick up messages. Although a lot of folks in the media have been scoffing at President Bush for taking a 5-week vacation, his 50th since becoming president, President Bush never leaves work far behind. He always calls in once or twice a week to see how the war's going or if Vice-President Cheney is under doctor's care.

"I accept the charges," I said without even getting authorization from anybody.

"Who's this?" President Bush asked.

"Nancy Jo. I'm an intern."

"Ain't you the one I nicknamed Monica?"

"Yes Sir," I replied coldly. "I'm not really fond of that nickname, Sir."

"Would you prefer to be called Turd Blossom?"

"No Sir. Monica is fine." Then I asked, "How's the vacation going, Sir?"

"Not bad. I got some little old maudlin lady sitting at the bottom of my driveway whining about her son that got killed in Iraq and how I should pull out the troops. Mostly I jest ignore her but she's always looking at me funny as I drive off to the golf course. Kind of puts a damper on my day."

"Sorry to hear that Sir," I commiserated.

"Laura and I saw The Wedding Crashers at the drive-in last night. What a hoot that Vince Vaughn fella is. The movie got me thinking about another funny idea for a movie. A couple of uninvited fellas go to the United Nations and start a war with some country for no good reason. I haven't worked out all the details but I think writing that script might be fun after I leave office."

"It sounds like a dandy idea, Mr. President."

"You got any messages for me," the President inquired. I looked around the desk and found a pile of pink slips.

"There are a few messages for you Sir. Got a pen handy?" I asked.

"Shoot," he said.

"Tony Blair called and would like to speak to you as soon as possible."

"I can't stand talking to that fella. All that spineless weasel ever wants to talk about is getting his troops out of Iraq. I think I'll jest blow him off til I get back to Washington."

"There's a call from a Prime Minister Paul Martin."

"Who's he?" the Presdient asked.

"Don't know. He didn't leave a country."

"The heck with him. Could be the leader of some white-sounding African nation asking where's our money to fight AIDS. Tell Barbie, next time, get the name of the country."

"Yes Sir." I made a note. "There's a message from Ken Lay."

"Who? I don't know no Ken Lay. Rip it up."

"There's a message from your mother. It says, 'Remind George to wear a hat when he goes outside.' Are you wearing your hat, Mr. Presdident?"

"Yes, I'm wearing a hat. Obviously Dad is away from home and Mom's got no one to bother so she has to call the White House. This is exactly why I never gave her the phone number to the ranch."

Then the President asked, "Anything from Rumsfeld or Condi?"

I riffled through the remaining messages but saw none. "No Sir."

"I reckon that means all's going well with the War. Good. Tell Barbie I'll be checking in next week, maybe Monday or Tuesday. Anyway, nice talking to you, Monica. Heh, heh."

"Nice talking to..." He hung up.

All I know is that when I go on vacation, I never think of work.

Victory in Iraq is just a declaration away

2005-08-08T13:42:00.000-04:00

You know the old saying: When the cat's away the mice will play. Well, President Bush is currently tied up on vacation in Crawford. However, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld and Vice-President Dick Cheney have been meeting here at the White House quite a bit.

From what I can tell from some torn-up notes I found in the wastepaper basket, the War in Iraq is almost over. Hooray!!!

With the recent increase in marine casualties and insurgency attacks, I was personally concerned the war might go on for another 12 years as Secretary Rumsfeld predicted a while back.

But from what I read, Mr. Rumsfeld and Mr. Cheney are recommending to the President to simply declare victory and pull the troops out.

There's no downside.

The Democrat-Liberals won't object because they never wanted America bringing freedom and democracy to Iraq in the first place. And Republicans will be as happy as flies on a turd blossom knowing that America stood up to tyrrany and defeated it. The families of dead American soldiers can rest easy knowing their sons and daughters did not die in vain. And the Iraqis...well they're free. They've already had an election. What more could they want?

There was one cryptic remark in Mr. Cheney's handwriting. "Civil war?"

But I figure that's the beauty of democracy and freedom. The Iraqis should have the freedom to have a civil war if they want. America had one and we became the richest country in the world (although I believe if the South had won, our labor costs would be a lot lower now).

Although Congress must approve wars, it turns out the President doesn't need Congress to declare victory.

So this is how things are likely to play out.

Remember how the first President George Bush waited a while, and let the first Iraqi war go exactly 100 hours before declaring victory. Historically, a 100-Hours War has a real nice ring to it. And it's easy for future American students to study the war in high school. (The whole Bush clan is real thoughtful and considerate.)

Of course, the first President Bush declared victory and left Saddam Hussein in power thinking Saddam wouldn't spend every minute building up weapons of mass destruction. And as we all know, this is the mistake that led to our current war in Iraq to free the people and bring them democracy. If the first President Bush had gotten rid of Saddam, we wouldn't have had to give a darn if those Iraqis were free or not. They'd be just regular Arabs like Saudis and we sure as heck don't want those folks getting democracy and wrecking our oil relationship with the House of Saud.

Anyway, according to the Cheney-Rumsfeld notes, our current President George Bush is going to let the War in Iraq run for exactly 1,000 days, which makes for a nice, round number.

On December 14, 2005, President Bush will declare victory in Iraq ensuring that Iraq's Muslims will get to enjoy Christmas, worship Jesus Christ and exchange gifts with no more war in their backyards.

I'll bet Christmas in Baghdad will really be beautiful this year.

Postcard from Crawford

2005-08-04T18:25:00.000-04:00

One of the great traditions of the George Bush administration is that every time President Bush goes on vacation, he sends the interns a postcard that we place on our bulletin board. The picture on the card generally contains a cow, cowboy or both.

We just received our 50th postcard from a very thoughtful president.

Here's what he wrote:

Deer inturns,
It sure is relaxin being away from all that war and terror goings-on. I'm keepin my mind active though. Played 6 games of checkers in an hour against my secret service agent and won them all. I jest don't understand how I never can beat Laura. See you all in 5 or 6 weeks. Don't start any wars without me. Ha ha.
Your president,
George W. Bush
P.S. If Dick Cheney tries touchin anything in the Oval Office, jest shoo him away.

I love you President Bush (in an avuncular way).

Potpourri...tying up loose ends

2005-08-03T13:46:00.000-04:00

As we all know, charity begins at home. And the bigger and more luxurious the home, the better. That's what Republican tax cuts are all about. Charity.

But to make our tax cuts permanent, it's essential that President Bush finds ways to cut costs. For instance, it's cheaper to keep our troops in Iraq than in America because the cost of living in Iraq is so low. In Iraq, an AK-47 costs like $10.

Lately, President Bush has been working on another great money-saving idea. Perhaps you've heard that the President appointed John Bolton to the U.N. without the Senate's consent. And he just appointed Peter Flory as assistant secretary of defence, again without the Senate's consent.

What all this shows is the Senate is not that important. By cutting out the Senate, the United States government could easily save a billion dollars a year in salaries and expenses. Then there would be the huge savings in less pork-barrelling.

To many in the White House, President Bush has already expressed how much more efficient government would be if he could rule without those busybodies of the Supreme Court and the moochers in the House of Representatives. All he really needs is about 50,000 really loyal soldiers and America could run like clockwork.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Today, Wednesday August 3rd, 14 marines were killed in Iraq doing the democratic, freedom-loving work assigned to them by President George W. Bush. In the past 10 days, 43 marines have been killed in Iraq.

Within the last month, over 50 Londoners (America's allies in Iraq) were killed by despicable Muslim terrorists.

Then yesterday, Tuesday, August 2nd, a planeload of French people crashed at a Canadian airport — and not one, single person was killed or even badly injured. As you may know, neither the French nor Canadians are our allies fighting for freedom in Iraq.

Although I would never, ever question God and his Master Plan, I must admit I'm a little curious as to why cowardly French people and useless Canadians would walk away from a disaster when God-fearing Americans and brave Englanders are felled in the prime of their lives.

God's work on earth would certainly be so much more understandable if a few of those Frenchies had perished.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

People seemed shocked that President Bush says he believes Rafael Palmeiro when the baseball player says he has no idea how steroids got into his body.

President Bush is a man of trust. So it's his nature to believe people.

When Ken Lay said he had no idea how $5 billion was removed from Enron, President Bush believed him.

When Karl Rove said he didn't reveal the identity of a CIA agent, President Bush believed him.

When Hans Blix said there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, President Bush believed him. But the cost of living in Iraq was just too good to resist.

What's wrong with "Turd Blossom"?

2005-07-27T16:35:00.000-04:00

I suspect the Liberal press simply can't stand it when President George W. Bush expresses himself in ways that make him the most lovable, human president of the 21st century.

Naturally, I'm no fan of the Communist comic strip, "Doonesbury". So there are a million reasons why newspapers should cancel it. However, the reference to Karl Rove as "Turd Blossom" is not one of them.

(For those of you not familiar with Turd Blossom, it's the national flower of the State of Texas, next to the yellow rose. You see, when cows relieve their digestive systems, they leave droppings. Soon flowers grow from those droppings. Hence the name.)

President Bush, when he nicknamed Mr. Rove "Turd Blossom" wasn't suggesting that the Deputy Chief of Staff grew up in dung. Mr. Rove grew up a bastard. But as good Christians, we in the White House can forgive Mr. Rove the indiscretion of his mama.

Turd Blossom suggests that even a bastard baby can grow up to be a beautiful Republican. So you can see, there's nothing wrong with the name that Liberal editors are desecrating by removing from their newspapers.

Of course, being the fun-loving, jovial president that he is, Mr. Bush has nicknames for virtually everyone at the White House and folks who support him.

Vice-President Cheney is "America's Heart Throb". President Bush always offers the Vice-President a Big Mac and fries whenever he walks into a room. Always gets a big laugh.

Mr. Rumsfeld is lovingly referred to as "General Custer".

I'm not sure why, but the President likes to call Condi Rice "Ragtime".

The President calls Robert Novak his "Retarded Secretary for Misinformation".

Rush Limbaugh is known as "Cheech and Chong". I don't get it.

He refers to Ann Coulter as "My Friend Flicka". He used to call her "Lassie".

He likes to call Bill O'Reilly "Charlie McCarthy". Before my time, I think.

The Bush Twins are known as "Roe vs. Wade".

Jeb Bush is known around the White House as "Ballot Box".

The President likes to call his wife Laura, "You're no Barbara".

He calls his Daddy "One-Term Loser".

When he sees me wandering around the White House, President Bush sometimes jokingly calls out, "Hey Monica", but I don't think that's very funny.

Presidential clarification

2005-07-19T13:45:00.000-04:00

As some of you may know, there's been an investigation into the release of the identity of a covert operative working for the CIA. Robert Novak, an alleged journalist, splashed her name all over the media like cheap perfume on a smelly sheep.

Anyway, here at the White House, there's been a lot of discussion about President Bush and Karl Rove. It seems that last year, President Bush said something to the effect that he would "fire anyone who had leaked such information." And now, Democrats are pointing their finger at Mr. Rove, as though he had something to do with it.

It turns out that President Bush may have spoken a bit too hastily.

According to the Bush Family personal attorney, what the President meant to say was, "I will suspend for one week without pay anyone who names a male CIA agent with the rank of G-9 or greater who has served 30 years or more and is currently involved in covert operations that directly affect our efforts in winning the War in Iraq and endangers the lives specifically of foreign agents with CD-2 or higher status who have been active for a minimum of five years in the European theater of operation.

Although what President Bush said last year and what he meant to say are virtually identical, it's apparent that by clarifying his statement, it shows that no one in the administration did anything wrong.

Reality TV at the White House

2005-07-14T15:40:00.000-04:00

Although I personally find it hard to believe, President Bush's popularity numbers seem to have been slipping a mite.

So a committee has been formed to strategize concepts to enhance the President's poll numbers. The Republicans Advancing Presidential Effectiveness committee is looking at ways to deliver to the American public a true picture of the greatest American President of the 21st century.

One idea I really like is turning the White House into a reality TV program — like the Osbornes but without the cussing (unless Vice-President Cheney shows up).

The problem with this concept, according to a consultant to the R.A.P.E. committee, is that most Americans will easily get bored of a family that goes to church and prays a lot and goes to bed at nine.

One suggestion was to turn Barbara Bush, the President's mom, into the crotchety old White House cook so she can stick her two cents in wherever things get real boring.

In the draft script that I saw, they had Mrs. Bush saying funny things like, "George, if your father wasn't stupid enough to go after Saddam, how'd you get so dumb?" and "George, I just hope when history looks back, it don't confuse you and your father. I don't think his heart could take it."

Also under consideration is "Who Wants to Marry The President's Daughter?" In the pilot, Jenna is arrested drunk at a Chippendale's show (whatever that is) and the President agrees to bail her out of jail only if she agrees to marry a good, Christian Republican. (Log Cabin Republicans..are you reading this?!!)

The show will feature twelve of the most eligible Republican bachelors in Washington who will accompany Jenna to church socials, AA meetings and anti-abortion rallies. Over twelve weeks, Jenna will whittle down the selection to the man she will marry in the season finale.

To get the new family off to a good start, the new groom will get an administration job. Secretary of Defense is the most likely position.

The final concept that I kind of like is "Survivor—Iraq". The entire Cabinet is dropped off in Fallujah and the winning Survivor gets to live. They haven't worked out all the kinks yet but President Bush has already said, "Bring 'em on."

I'm applying for a full time job at the White House

2005-07-13T15:53:00.000-04:00

It's the dream of every intern at the White House to get a real paying job working for President George Bush.

So you can imagine my excitement when I walked into the staff cafeteria today and saw a great job opening posted on the Help Wanted board. It read:

Needed Soon!

DEPUTY CHIEF OF STAFF

Qualifications:

-No criminal record
-Ability to carry out strategy without getting caught
-No known affiliation to Robert Novak

Heck, that's practically my entire my resume.

I suppose Mr. Rove is being promoted or something because he's practically President Bush's best friend. Interesting enough, I went over to Mr. Rove's office to ask his advice on applying for the job. I was about to knock on the door when I heard this really loud sobbing coming from inside.

Then I heard this shouting which can't be repeated in fine company. It went something like...

"F--k that prissy Bob Novak."

F--K Time Magazine. Can't those f--kers hold on to their f--king notes like other f--king journalists."

Then there was more loud sobbing.

I decided to apply without Mr. Rove's help.

President Bush prepares to write his autobiography

2005-07-07T18:36:00.000-04:00

Now that President Bush is in his second term — the home stretch as Karl Rove likes to say — the President is starting to think about writing his autobiography.

It's not the $10 million dollar advance he cares about. He simply wants the world to know how he evolved from the son of a dirt-poor sharecropper into one of the greatest presidents of the 21st century.

Since Bill Clinton, who had nothing important to say in his long-winded, boring autobiography, sold over 2 million copies in hard cover, it's likely that a popular president like George Bush with his untold military tales, successful business operations and astute statesmanship will be able to sell twice that number. Because his wife Laura is a professional librarian, writing a book should be a snap.

Currently, President Bush is looking for a unique angle.

According to talk in the interns' lounge, President Bush is considering a pop-up book to appeal to a younger readership than most ex-presidents get.

I love the idea.

Imagine a chapter on Pesident Bush's struggle against terrorism and Saddam Hussein. Open up the next page and up pops Weapons of Mass Destruction.

Imagine a chapter in which the President describes his fight against alcoholism and his born-again Christianity. Open the next page and up pops Christ on a Crucifix smiling down on George Bush.

President Bush is also leaning toward a section in which readers can color — for instance, red states and blue states — using Crayons or Magic Markers. He feels an interactive book will bring his readers closer to him. I agree.

President Bush also feels that his readers might enjoy puzzles as part of his autobiography. I suppose there could be skill-testing questions such as:

When exactly did George Bush serve in the military?

Why was it so important to invade Iraq immediately?

Another section under consideration is called "Where's Osama?" It's a really complicated drawing of sheets and towels on laundry lines as well as haystacks everywhere and somewhere in the picture is Osama, dressed in a sheet, a towel on his head, his face looking like a haystack. I think everyone will try to find him.

President Bush can be seen writing his first chapter with a little help from a few staff advisers.

Picnic with the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth

2005-06-30T15:47:00.000-04:00

This July 4th, all like-minded folks in the vicinity of Waco, Texas are invited to spend their Independence Day with those great American patriots — the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth.

Along with plenty of egg salad and Kool Aid, there's going to be lots of activites and interesting speeches.

Ken Lay will provide the opening address during which he'll discuss the general lack of trust among Americans. With Democrats constantly criticizing President Bush, could there be a more appropriate topic or a better person to deliver the speech?

Donald Rumsfeld will represent the administration and point out how he had always told the public that the American presence in Iraq was likely to be a dozen years. Americans have simply forgotten.

Also on hand will be Senator John McCain who will finally admit that he has an illegitimate black baby and he's happy that the George Bush campaign broke the news to all those folks in South Carolina during the 2000 primary campaign.

On Lake Waco, the Swifties are going to hold a light-hearted re-enactment of John Kerry earning his three Purple Hearts in Vietnam.

For his first PH, the actor playing Kerry will pretend to cut his finger while opening a Coke bottle.

The second PH comes when John Kerry gets a splinter as he's polishing the rail of his boat.

For his third Purple Heart, John Kerry pokes himself in the eye when he looks into the wrong end of a telescope.

The Swifties will then outline in a special pageant how a Bronze Star and a Silver Star, both intended for George W. Bush, were misdirected and sent to John Kerry by mistake. But since the military never admits mistakes, the medals could not be taken back and given to the rightful person.

I'm surprised that President Bush can show so much loyalty to a military that let him down so badly. But that's the kind of person President Bush is.

The kids will get to play Pinocchio — otherwise known as "Pin the nose on the Democrat". Always fun.

On a more serious note, the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth are going to deal with the news that a Mad Cow found in the United States came from Texas. Fortunately, the Swifties have documents that show the cow actually came from Iraq by way of Canada.

You can always count on the Swifties for the truth!.

President Bush: Man of Faith

2005-06-29T12:33:00.000-04:00

"Just as America is divided into two parties — Republicans and Democrats — so too, the Muslim world is divided into two parties — terrorists and non-terrorists."

The above is from a State Department report I found near the White House shredder. Just by reading that line, I find it so much easier to understand the world.

The mission of America is to work with non-terrorists, wherever they might be.

President Bush discovered that there were literally hundreds and perhaps thousands of non-terrorists living in Iraq under the iron fist of the ultra-terrorist, Saddam Hussein.

Freeing those many non-terrorists from the clutches of the myriad terrorists has been the primary goal of this administration.

Although many Democrats criticize President Bush for tying Saddam Hussein to 9/11, the fact is according to files in Vice-President Cheney's office that Saddam was also responsible for the attack on Pearl Harbor and was a close associate of Mark Felt. Documents do not lie.

In his speech at Fort Bragg, President Bush displayed amazing courage by stating that he will continue to sacrifice American troops as long as necessary because fighting the Iraqi insurgency is "worth it."

Because the President is a man of God, he has faith that America will ultimately triumph. And faith is all that any president needs.

I heard that President Bush has lately been comparing himself to Job. How appropriate!

Currently, God is testing our President by bringing on the biggest terrorist attack in American history, by allowing the President to humiliate himself with his "Mission Accomplished" address, by letting thousands of American troops die in Iraq, by letting his popularity numbers drop.

As long as President Bush stays the course and continues to have faith in God, God will reward him. I'm certain President Bush's popularity numbers will again rise. What could be more rewarding?

Americans can look forward to the Year 2017

2005-06-28T11:20:00.000-04:00

The White House has already begun preparations for the victory celebration when American troops start arriving home from Iraq in 2017.

Although President Bush will no longer be in office (I feel sad just writing this), we can assume there will still be a strong Republican-Christian leadership in the United States ready to welcome home our troops from their duties in the newly democratic Iraq.

Speaking for the administration, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld told the American public that we will not be fighting the Iraqi insurgency for more than another 12 years. Whew! Some people I know were wondering if there were an end in sight. Well, there is!

Anyway, Karl Rove has already hired a national party planner to handle the details of the returning troops celebration. The party planner, a friend of Mary Cheney and a Log Cabin Republican is very excited and is hoping Cher is still alive in 2017 for a spectcular celebration concert.

Naturally, there will be a victory parade. All those soldiers with legs will get to march. National Guard troops who served 10 years or longer in Iraq will have the honor of marching at the front of the parade and hold up the "Mission Accomplished" banner.

Here's something the kids will really like. The party planner is considering a float with a large cage in which there'll be maybe a dozen prisoners from Gitmo. With them wearing their orange suits, they should add a lot of color to the proceedings. (If Osama bin Laden is captured by then, he could have his own float, perhaps being force fed pages of the Koran.)

The party planner wants all towns and cities to have their own simultaneous fireworks displays to celebrate America's victory. However, Homeland Security has concerns that terrorists will use the opportunity to light biological cherry bombs and nuclear sparklers.

Naturally, America's troops will be entitled to a lot more than just a high five and a parade.

For instance, the administration is already ensuring that every member of the Armed Services will receive a Social Security Private Account with $100 deposited into it to get them started on their retirement financing.

As well, military personnel will received enhanced medical benefits. They will be given special permission to purchase their drugs directly from Canada.

And most importantly, the administration is already planning a memorial wall containing the 14,000 names of soldiers who are predicted to die fighting for Iraqi freedom.

I only pray that President Bush is still alive in 2017 so he can personally unveil the memorial and smash a bottle of champagne against it.

The truth about Hillary Clinton

2005-06-23T10:22:00.000-04:00

By now, you've probably read the new book by Edward Klein outlining how despicable Hillary Clinton really is.

In this well researched tome, Mr. Klein outlines how the junior senator from New York lies, cheats and has lesbian affairs between affairs with men other than her husband.

The thing is, Mr. Klein only scratched the surface.

Last week, I was cleaning up some files in Mr. Rove's office when I came across a file called "Hillary — 2008 Presidential Run". In it, Mr. Rove has evidence that Mrs. Clinton is basically Satan's surrogate on earth. Among the items contained in Mr. Rove's file:

There's a photograph of Hillary having sex with a goat.

There's a photograph of Hillary providing oral gratification to Osama bin Laden as the terrorist is pointing his rifle toward the World Trade Center.

There's a transcript of a conversation between Hillary and Kim Jong Il in which Hillary, speaking in fluent Korean, tells the North Korean leader how to build a nuclear bomb.

There's a medical report that Hillary has AIDS and gave it to their dog, Buddy. Buddy was then run over by Democratic operatives to protect the secret.

There's a photo of Hillary working as a stripper to pay her way through law school.

There's a record of her working with Sirhan Sirhan to assassinate Bobby Kennedy so she would have a better chance to eventually become president.

There's proof that she was both Ho Chi Minh's and Jane Fonda's girlfriend from 1968 to 1974.

There's proof that Hillary is not the mother of Chelsea.

There's proof that Hillary was raised as both a Muslim and a Jew.

There's proof that Hillary fixed the 1998 World Series and made over $20 million.

There's a picture of Hillary eating curried kittens.

There's a sworn deposition stating that Hillary has been doing stem cell research since 1978.

Abortion clinic records show that Hillary has had 23 abortions in the past four years.

There are official police records showing that Hillary ran a stop sign when she was 17 and killed a schoolmate.

There's proof that Hillary is responsible for the failure of the War in Iraq.

With explosive evidence like this, Mrs. Clinton better not be thinking about running for the presidency.

President Bush adopts Bill Frist's health care cost control measures

2005-06-20T10:28:00.000-04:00

The cost of medical treatment in the United States is spiralling out of control.

However, thanks to Senate majority leader Dr. Bill Frist, the President has a new weapon in his arsenal to keep health costs down.

President Bush was very impressed with Senator Dr. Frist's ability to diagnose a patient — in this case, Terry Schiavo — using a video cassette. Simply by screening the cassette, Dr. Frist could tell that Terry Schiavo was showing signs of life while doctors who were up close and personal thought she was in a persistent vegetative state.

The autopsy of Terry Schiavo provided ambiguous results — for instance, she still had a brain which God could have turned on any time He wanted to. However, Senator Dr. Frist's expertise in making a long-range diagnosis proved there's a lot of waste in our health system.

With modern technology, do doctors really have to see their patients in person?

Under President Bush's Better Than Ever Health Care Initiative:

Doctors will no longer maintain costly offices.

Instead of visiting doctors, sick people will go to a local medical video recording studio where they will record their symptoms on a digital camera. Rather than using expensive American-trained doctors, medical diagnoses will be out-sourced to cheap Indian doctors who will view the recordings and return a diagnosis, usually within 24 hours.

President Bush will introduce more faith-based medicine. Why should true believing Christians be using expensive drugs when a little prayer will be just as effective and a lot cheaper?

Because levels of faith among Americans vary, President Bush will ask America's most faithful Christians to voluntarily give up their federally subsidized drugs for cancer treatments, arthritis and diabetes. The administration expects 100% of these conservative, Christian Republicans will put their lives into the hands of God, allowing the administration to once again cut taxes.

When asked on Fox News about his video cassette diagnosis of Terry Schiavo, Senator Dr. Frist said, "Seeing and personally examining patients is highly over-rated."

He then said, "My Lexus mechanic better not be getting any ideas."

That Bill Frist is a funny guy.

Pentagon Report: Canada is ripe for U.S. invasion

2005-06-16T11:54:00.000-04:00

There's an awful lot not to like about Canada.

First off, it's got an entire province devoted to being French. That's a bit too much French too close to America for my liking.

While America remains in a constant state of terror, Canadians are walking around like the world is normal. They don't even have a color coding terror alert system.

Canadian tourists flock to Cuba whereas no American has stepped foot in Cuba since 1960.

The Canadians set up a Conservative Party based on the Republican Party, then put some retard in charge so the party keeps shooting itself in the foot. According to State Department reports, the Canadian Liberal Party has been caught dead to rights with its hand in the till. But Canadians still prefer a corrupt government to a Conservative Government led by a retard — unlike Americans.

Which leads me to a military report I just delivered to Vice-President Cheney.

It seems that ever since the War of 1812, the United States has maintained a game plan for re-invading Canada.

After all, Canada has more than its fair share of natural resources with only one-tenth the population of the United States. Fact is, we could really use all that Canadian oil, natural gas and of course, pure water. (There are golf courses in Arizona that are absolutely scorched while Canadians go swimming.)

For the last 190 years, opportunities to invade Canada have been few and far between. Things looked good in 1941 when Japan bombed Pearl Harbor. We were about to claim that Canada was in cahoots with the Japanese but the Canadians declared war on Japan before the United States did. So that opportunity vanished.

The fact that Canada did not join America in the Worldwide Coalition of the Willing to invade Iraq (although we grudgingly admit they are in Afghanistan) seemed to signal another opportunity to invade our northern neighbor. However, since most of our troops are in Iraq, attacking with military might below full strength could prove to be a mistake.

That is until now.

The Pentagon reports that on May 3, 2005, two Canadian soldiers, both male, married each other at Canadian Forces Base Greenwood in Nova Scotia. It was a "Christian" service that received the blessing of the base commander and base chaplain.

Canada's fighting men are now fighting about who does the dishes and who takes out the trash. Boot camp is now a honeymoon retreat. If homosexuals are guarding Canada, then the country is defenseless.

The Pentagon suggests that America claim that Canada has weapons of mass destruction. We know this for a fact since most of the weapons are ours.

The Pentagon recommends attacking Canada in the middle of the night when the soldiers are most likely to be wrapped up in each other's arms in some kind of disgusting military orgy.

America, get ready for 20 cents a gallon gasoline.